Tomorrow is Saturday. Son of a bitch.
“We also need to do one last round of brainstorming just to make sure all of our ideas are fresh. So tomorrow, pitch any ideas you have—” Lisa crosses her arms and glares at me, “— directly to me. Thanks.”
Everyone must know I’m somehow responsible for this since those ideas have been sitting on my board next to my desk for days. I pick up my notebook and try to get lost in the crowd of disgruntled coworkers exiting the room.
“Abby, I need you for a second.” Lisa catches me as I’m almost out the door. Christine shoots me a sympathetic look and darts out of the room.
“I just want to make sure you understand the chain of command here.”
Crap. “I totally do. Will was just walking by and saw my board, total coincidence. I didn’t mean…”
“Well however it happened, you need to work on your pitching skills. The way you described those dates to me was terrible. I had no idea what you were going for.”
Bitch. She knew exactly what I was going for. Lisa high heels it out of the room, leaving behind a cloud of Chanel No. 5. I’m sure Will has no idea what he’s done.
I’m pulling up to a Malibu beach parking lot, ready for my first full day of shooting. This is where the production crew is supposed to park while filming at the house, and I’ve got to say, whoever planned this parking situation is a sadist. I mean, here I am, clambering out of my car, balancing a laptop, purse, clipboard and a large latte, while everyone else here seems to be gliding back to their cars carrying only towels, surfboards and a smile on their smug happy faces. Why aren’t you people working? It’s Monday, damn it!
“Hey there, the van should be here any minute,” Christine calls as I approach her and about ten other crewmembers.
“Is anybody up there yet?”
“I think Will, Lisa and Grant are there. And probably all of the camera and lighting guys.” Christine turns her face toward the sun and closes her eyes.
“Got it.” I take a seat next to her on the curb where we attempt to enjoy our last moments of freedom before being shuttled over to the house.
The sun feels amazing on my skin, but before I can even enjoy the sound of the waves, a high-pitched honk jolts me out of my nanosecond of peace. Breathing a deep sigh of regret, I gather up my things and trudge toward the van.
“Are you excited about tonight?” asks Christine as the van makes a sharp left onto PCH, nearly hitting a guy on a bike.
I flinch and turn my face away from the window to face her. “I haven’t been excited about work since my first job as a junior camp counselor. And when you hit your thirties, you’ll probably feel the same way I do.”
Christine gives me a slight snarl. “Wow. Bitter much? I just meant that the whole opening sequence is your idea. The masquerade?”
“Sorry.” I sigh, attempting a half smile. “It’s just that I know we’re going to be here until at least 2:00 a.m. tonight. I kind of hate that part. But yeah, it’s very cool that they’re using my idea.”
“Lisa even said to me on Friday that she thought it was really cool.”
“She did?”
“Well, not exactly. But she said that she thought it was going to be a great first day of filming.”
“Hmm. Well, don’t get too close to that one,” I say. “She’ll steal your soul.”
“Ha! That’s a good one.”
You think I’m kidding?
Even though it’s only 4:00, I can already tell how amazing the house is going to look once it gets dark. The art department has decorated every single tree in the front with hundreds of fairy lights and there are little tea candles lining the entire walkway. Once everything is lit, it’s going to look gorgeous.
I haven’t even met half of the people walking around, but they all seem to have a very particular job or function that I know nothing about. I knew this was a big-budget network reality show, but I’ve never actually worked on one before, so I had no idea what to expect.
And that brings me to my next subject. I’m trying to look confident and like I know what’s going on, but I’m actually on the verge of a panic attack right now. Christine keeps asking me what we should be doing, and I have absolutely no idea. The cast members don’t arrive until 7:00 p.m. so I have to figure out ways for us to look busy for the next three hours.
The other three producer teams are walking through each room, writing stuff down in their notebooks and so far, all Christine and I have done is hit the craft service table. Which I have to say, is every girl’s worst nightmare. The table itself is laden with every type of thigh-thickening food imaginable. And adding insult to injury, next to the table is a catering van, which I’m told will cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for the entire crew every day. And if we just want a burrito or muffin for a midday snack, they’ll provide that for us, as well.
“Check out your friend, Grant,” Christine says as she sucks on a Hershey’s Kiss. “He looks pretty confident out there directing all of those camera guys. It’s pretty sexy.”
“You think Grant’s sexy?” I ask, even though everyone thinks Grant’s sexy.
“Totals. He has really pretty eyes, and he’s tall. I love tall.”
A minute later, Lisa power walks by, giving Christine and me the once-over. “Ladies, don’t you have work to do?” she snaps. But before I can answer, she’s heading off toward the pool, shouting into her headset. “I don’t give a shit that there was an accident on the 101. Tell the florist to send another van, then. We need those fucking flowers here in one hour.”
I turn back to Christine and roll my eyes. “We should probably go over our interview questions together and see if we’ve missed anything.”
“Okay.”
Before we have the chance to tear ourselves away from the evil snack table, Grant walks over and grabs a bottle of water.
“I see you’re working hard,” he mumbles sarcastically out of the side of his mouth.
“Shut it, bitch,” I say, punching him in the arm.
“I’m just sayin’…”
“We’re going to get to work in a minute. But there’s not exactly a ton to do right now.”
“I’m just giving you shit.”
“Mmm, well just be sure not to give me shit in front of anyone important.”
“Will do.” He smiles and throws his arm around my shoulder. “You know I always have your back.” He tilts his head and places a big kiss on top of my head. “Love ya, gotta go. Some of us actually have work to do.”
After Grant is out of earshot, Christine turns to me. “You should go for him.”
“What? No way. We’re just friends.”
“Doesn’t look like that to me.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but there is no story behind that one.”
“Okay,” she enunciates each letter for effect.
I shrug my shoulders and turn to leave when suddenly I see Will standing next to the catering van. He’s staring right at me. He looks strange. I smile tentatively at him, but he turns away without catching my eye. Yikes, did he just hear our entire conversation? Including the fact that I haven’t done any work today? I hope he didn’t overhear that whole Christine exchange. I don’t want him to think I’m flirting with everyone instead of working. But he didn’t look angry. I’m not really sure how he looked. He looked different. Why am I even thinking about this? He’s not pissed at me. There’s nothing to be pissed about. I need to drop it. I wonder if Christine noticed anything.
For the love of God, stop it! I’ve wasted too much time as it is analyzing this man’s behavior.
“Come on, let’s head inside and go over our notes,” I say to Christine.
“Blech.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. But we can come back out in twenty for snacks.”
“Mmm, that’s why I love working with you.” Christine smiles as we both head toward the house.
Chapter Fifteen
At 7:00 a.m. on the dot, the guys arrive at the house f
or the first time. There’s definitely a buzz in the air as everyone takes their places and prepares for tonight’s shoot.
Christine and I stand off to one side as a white stretch Hummer slowly makes its way up the drive. I’m trying to stay as far away from the cameras as possible. God forbid, I should walk into one of Grant’s carefully planned shots. I’d never hear the end of it.
All of the camera guys loosely circle the limo while the jib operator maneuvers the long arm of his crane to get the perfect overhead shot. It takes forever, but eventually the show’s suitors clamber out of the car one by one.
Now, when I pitched the idea of a masquerade, I was thinking of the type of mask you’d see at a swanky ball, something that just covers the top half of your face. I pictured something a little ornate, but, for the most part, simple and tasteful. Unfortunately, that’s not what I’m currently staring at. These thick rubber masks cover the entire face, with holes only for the eyes, mouth and nostrils. Also, every guy is a different color, so you’ve got the Blue Man, the Red Man, the Green Man and so on. They all look like Jason from Friday the 13th and it’s scaring the hell out of me.
“Wow, cool,” Christine whispers in my ear.
I snap my head around to look at her. “Come on. I feel like I’m staring at a rainbow of mass murderers. Look at Blue Man over there. He definitely has someone’s head in his freezer.”
“Oh man, thanks. Now I’m going to have nightmares.”
I smile, trying not to laugh.
“They’re Lisa’s designs.”
“Are you kidding?” I ask incredulously. “She actually designed these masks specifically for the show?”
“Yeah, she gave the art department her sketches like a week ago and they did the mold and the masks in a couple of days,” Christine says.
I shake my head. “I’m sorry, but they’re awful. They’re going to creep out the viewers. Thank God they’re not wearing these things for every episode. Can you imagine?”
Christine doesn’t respond. Instead, she’s looking around in a panic. “Shit shit shit.” She runs her hands through her short, spiky hair.
“What?” I ask.
“I think I left my purse upstairs.”
“Upstairs, where?”
“In the main bedroom,” she says guiltily.
“You mean in Katie’s room?”
Christine groans. “Um. Yeah.”
“Why did you leave your purse up there? There wasn’t even anyone upstairs earlier. We were all down here getting ready.”
She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know. I got bored. I thought I’d just wander around.”
“Well you can’t go up there now. Lisa and Will are probably still doing Katie’s first interview before she comes down to meet the guys.”
“Oh man. But my cell phone is in there, and I didn’t turn it off.”
“Christine! If that thing goes off, they’re going to kill you.”
“I know,” she groans. “What do I do?”
Technically, I’m Christine’s boss, so I’ll take the bullet for her this time. “Nothing. I’ll go and get it.”
“You will? Oh my God, thank you so much.”
“Don’t worry about it. Just be careful next time, okay?”
“I will,” she says. “I promise.”
I walk into the foyer and quickly run up one of the marble staircases. I know it’s safe because the crew is following the guys outside while they check out the pool, gardens and outdoor game room.
A PA is guarding the double doors outside Katie’s bedroom. He’s slouched in a chair and looks as though he’s sleeping.
“Hey, Sam,” I whisper. He opens his bloodshot eyes and looks annoyed. “One of the segment producers left her phone inside and it’s not turned off.”
He yawns. “Hmm. They’re doing the interview with her now,” he says, sounding bored or stoned or both.
“Yes, I realize that.”
“Well then, I can’t let you in.”
“Actually you can. If that phone goes off as much as it normally does, Will and Lisa will be beyond pissed.” I begin to tap my foot.
Without saying anything else, he gets up out of his chair and quietly turns the knob on one of the large, mahogany doors.
“Thanks,” I whisper.
Immediately upon entering the bedroom, I sense trouble. No one is filming anything. Instead, they’re all paired off, speaking in hushed tones, and Katie is nowhere to be found. I quickly look around until I see the strap of Christine’s bag peeking out underneath the grand, four-poster bed. I’ll just grab it and sneak out.
“Abby, can I talk to you for a minute?”
I whip around to find Will standing behind me. His brow is definitely furrowed. How does he always manage to sneak up on me like that?
“Sure, what’s up?”
He walks me over to a pair of French doors that lead to a balcony overlooking the ocean.
“I think Katie might have a touch of stage fright. We got the interview with her, and when we told her it was time to go downstairs to start filming, she freaked out and excused herself to the bathroom. She’s been in there for thirty minutes.”
I cock my head to the side and try to look concerned. “Yikes, what are you going to do?”
“I was actually just about to come and find you. Grant says you’re really good at talking people off ledges. He said you did it all of the time on Matchmaker.”
I pause for a second. I know where this is leading. Will wants me to go in there for a therapy session with a girl I’ve never met.
I place the purse strap over my shoulder and smile. “You want me to go in there and talk to her?”
“Yes, if you wouldn’t mind. Lisa tried, but it didn’t seem to work.”
Hmm, I wonder why? “Okay, should I just go and knock on the door?”
“Yeah, follow me. I’ll introduce you.”
As we walk toward the bathroom, Lisa appears out of nowhere and ambushes us. “What’s up?” she asks.
“I’m going to send Abby in there. She has experience doing this.”
Lisa looks me up and down. “Well, Katie shut me out when I was just in there. I don’t know what Abby can do that I haven’t done.”
Will knocks on the bathroom door and turns to Lisa. “I heard she has a soft approach,” he whispers.
Lisa’s eyes widen as she takes a step back from the door. I’m trying hard not to smile, but I can’t help it. I have to. I know I probably look smug right now, but I really don’t care. Take that, mean girl!
A tiny voice from the bathroom calls out, “Come in.”
Will opens the door and turns to Lisa. “We’ll be back in a minute.”
I follow Will inside the bathroom and find Katie sitting on a pink velvet vanity stool staring out the leaded-glass window. She’s wearing a tight, black, strapless ball gown, and her titian hair is swept up in a very loose updo. Her skin is like ivory with the exception of a few freckles that sprinkle the bridge of her nose and the tips of her shoulders.
“Katie, I’d like you to meet one of our producers. Her name is Abby. She just wanted to come in and say hi.”
Katie turns her head away from the window to look at me. “Hey.”
“Hi,” I say, smiling warmly.
“Listen, I need to take care of something downstairs,” Will says. “Katie, I hope to see you down there soon.”
Katie nods her head.
After Will closes the door behind him, I hop up onto the white tiled counter next to Katie. “Well, this is awkward,” I say as I open Christine’s purse to look for her phone. “I just came upstairs to grab a segment producer’s purse because she left her cell phone on.” Katie smiles as she watches me dig through the bottomless pit of Christine’s large leather tote.
“So they roped you into coming in to talk to me?” Katie asks.
“Well, Will said you were feeling nervous.” I continue to dig through the purse. “Jesus, this bag is ridiculous.” I feel Christine�
�s phone, pull it out, and with it comes an accordion-style package of condoms, eleven to be exact.
“Whoops, looks like someone’s getting busy.” Katie laughs.
“Good God.” I feel my face flush for Christine. Let’s hope Will doesn’t pop back in now.
“What’s up with that?” she asks. “Who carries that many condoms around?” She shakes her head and seems to relax a bit.
“They must have been having a sale at Costco. And look, they’re ribbed ooh, and studded, for extra sensation for her,” I say, reading the label.
“Studded? I’ve never heard of that one before,” she says, laughing even harder.
I fold up the packet and drop it back into Christine’s purse. “Are you kidding? Ribbed is a new one for me. It’s been that long.”
Katie turns back toward the window. “You and me both.”
Okay, it’s time to get bold. “Is that why you came on the show? Do you really want to meet a guy?”
Katie turns back to me. “Totally. I don’t care at all about being on TV. That’s so not me. I submitted my tape as a joke. I didn’t really think they’d be interested. I’m not one of those people who wants to be discovered or anything like that. I have a career already. I’m a real-estate agent, I make good money, have a nice condo in Palm Beach, I’m pretty much set. But I don’t have a boyfriend. And believe me, I’ve dated some serious jerks in the past.”
I hope she’s ready for her walk down Bad Boyfriend Lane.
“If it’s any consolation, I think there are a couple of good ones down there. I’m sure there will be some you don’t like too, but they’re all here to meet you.” I pause to gather ammunition.
“You know, a couple of these shows have ended in marriage, and children too.”
She thinks this over for a minute. “I just don’t want to look bad. I heard crazy things about these shows, like they can make you say whatever they want you to say during the editing process.”
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