‘And we’re not the only ones. Come and see this,’ says Aunty Jo, leading me outside. ‘Look at Freddie.’
I look at our goose in his little enclosure, proud as anything with his head held high, sitting next to Feathers. He looks like his old self again.
‘Where’s Flapper?’ I ask.
‘We had to get her a new home. It just wasn’t going to work having the three of them. She was so left out. Freddie took a shine to Feathers, the two of them paired off and poor Flapper was left on her own all the time. It was sad to see. As soon as she left these two were so happy. He’s the best he’s ever been, completely in love.’
We watch them for a few minutes. It’s very sweet.
‘Please can I go and see Flo now?’ I ask, not able to wait any longer. I haven’t told her I’m back and want to surprise her.
‘Here, I’ll take you,’ says Mr Fra— James.
‘You won’t try to make me read Chaucer on the way, will you?’ I joke.
‘Renée, it was hard enough to get you to read anything while you were at school!’ he says back, grabbing his keys.
Flo
I’m so nervous about the results. I know there is nothing I can do about it now, and what will be will be, but the fear that I won’t have passed and that I won’t get to go where I want to go is worrying me. Tomorrow is D-Day. I will know. I need an A and two Bs. What with everything that was going on while we were doing the exams, and having to look after Renée, I just don’t know how I’ve done.
There is a knock at the door.
‘Flo, can you get that? Arthur and I are putting shelves up in the bedroom.’ shouts Mum. They’ve been busy all day making changes to the bedroom because Arthur is moving in. I reluctantly get off my bed and go downstairs. I hope it’s not Sandra. She keeps coming round with snacks.
I open the door.
‘Hola,’ says Renée, looking beautiful with a huge smile and a suntan. I’m so happy to see her I squeak.
‘God, I’ve missed you so much!’ I say, latching onto her like a limpet. ‘You didn’t tell me you were coming back today!’
‘Ooo, my arm, my arm. It’s still not quite healed,’ says Renée. I let go of her and press my cheek against hers. I just want to be as close to her as possible. ‘Of course I am back, it’s results day tomorrow.’
‘I didn’t think you would care about the results. I thought maybe Aunty Jo would get them for you. I’m so glad you came. I’ve missed you so much. I can’t be in Guernsey without you.’
‘I’m here now, and I am with you until you go.’
‘If I go. I have to pass first.’
‘Flo, you pass everything. There is no way you won’t get the grades you want. Now, can I come in?’
We head to the kitchen and pile cheese and crackers and all sorts of other things on plates and take them up to my room. In bed, head to toe, we tell each other everything about our summers, and chat into the night until we fall asleep.
‘I can’t,’ I say.
‘Yes, you can, Flo. Come on,’ Renée insists.
‘I can’t.’
‘Flo, get in the car. We are going.’
‘But what if I’ve failed. I don’t want to know.’
‘You won’t have failed. You never fail anything at school. Get in and drive.’
I do as she says and start the engine. I drive us to school really slowly, hoping for a puncture the whole way so I can put it off.
‘Park as close to the entrance as you can, I don’t want to be near the lay-by,’ Renée says. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her coming back here.
Luckily the car park is almost empty as it’s the holidays. I get us as close as I can.
‘Right, let’s do this,’ she says. ‘Not that I care.’
We walk up the steps and into the main entrance of the school. People from our year are all around us and most of them look quite happy with themselves. It’s so weird to think my future depends on what is inside the envelope. We get to the canteen and see the table with the results on. Renée walks ahead and gets ours.
‘Here you go,’ she says, returning and passing me mine.
I start to gently peel open the envelope. You’d think there was a dead body in it the way I’m acting. I feel so terrified. This is it, school over forever. Done. The results in this envelope tell me if I made the most of it or not, or if the whole thing has been a waste of time.
‘Oh for God’s sake, Flo,’ says Renée, snatching it out of my hand. ‘Stop being such a wuss.’ She rips open my envelope and hands it back to me.
‘There, you moron, you did it. Look, you passed! An A and two Bs. You’re in!’
I look at the paper. She’s right. Oh my God, she’s right. I scream and jump up and down and hug her, but she tells me to get off because of her arm.
‘I did it!’ I keep saying. ‘I did it!’
‘My turn. Not that it matters. I don’t need good grades. It means nothing to me.’
She opens her envelope and a huge smile appears across her face.
‘What, you passed them all?’
‘No. I got an E for Classics, an N for Home Ec, but a B for English. That’s the best I’ve ever done in anything. B in English? Me?’
She looks so happy. It turns out it really did matter after all.
‘Flo,’ calls someone behind me. It’s Kerry. She looks happy. ‘How did you do?’
‘I passed, I got what I needed. I can’t believe it,’ I tell her.
‘Me too. Well done.’
‘Thanks.’
There are a few seconds of awkward silence. I think Kerry is hoping Renée will step away. But of course she doesn’t.
‘Look,’ Kerry says anyway. ‘I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you when I told you I thought you were gay. I just … ’
Renée makes a very strange croaking noise as she half laughs and half chokes.
I have gone a ripe beetroot colour.
‘Kerry, don’t worry about it. I just hope we can be friends and put it all behind us,’ I say, avoiding Renée’s eyes, which are like lasers in the side of my head. She will laugh her head off when I tell her about all of this.
‘What’s this then? A lesbian convention?’ It’s Bernadette. She obviously has no intention of stopping bullying Kerry, even though school is over. ‘Are your grades good enough to go to the school of massive lesbians together now?’ She laughs, and her two disciples laugh loyally.
‘What did you say?’ says Renée.
Uh-oh. An unsuspecting Bernadette hasn’t met Renée when she’s sticking up for me yet.
‘I said are these two lezzers going –’
‘Yeah, I heard what you said. Do you know what I think?’
‘What?’ says Bernadette, not enjoying being stopped in her tracks.
‘I think you should go and pick on someone your own size, like a man?’
We all watch as Bernadette’s ego pours into the ground.
‘So take your massive shoulders and your big face and fuck off, OK?’ finishes Renée, shooing Bernadette away like an annoying fly. ‘Go on, off you pop.’
Bernadette turns slowly and walks away. She doesn’t even try to come back to what Renée said – what could you possibly say to that? All we hear as she walks away is her telling her two stooges to shut up, because neither of them can stop laughing.
‘Thanks,’ says Kerry. ‘It looks like you have your best friend back, Flo. Maybe see you in church soon?’
‘Sure,’ I say, giving her a hug.
Kerry walks away, and it takes Renée all of four seconds to laugh so hard she is almost sick.
‘You? A lesbian? Jesus. You’re terrified of your own vagina, how would you cope with someone else’s?’
Yup, my best friend is back, all right.
Renée
I guess I didn’t realise how important it was for me to pass English. But then I never missed a lesson and I did all of my coursework. I’m so chuffed that I got a B. Apart from anything el
se, now that Mr Frankel is practically related to me it makes going home a lot less awkward.
As we leave the school I see Emma Morton going in, looking much healthier. She smiles at me as she walks past and I smile back. I’m happy to see she managed to sit the exams. I hope she gets what she wants.
And then I see Meg.
She’s leaving with her envelope and walking up the road and away from town, which means she isn’t going to Dean’s. Where is she going? Pissed off with her as I am, I’m still fascinated to know what she’s all about. I’m going to follow her.
‘Flo, do you mind if I walk home? I could do with some air.’
‘No, I was going to just drop you home anyway. There’s someone I have to go and see. See you tonight for some celebratory drinks?’
‘Definitely. And Flo? Well done, I’m so proud of you.’
‘I’m proud of you too,’ she beams. ‘See you later.’
I run out of the car park and follow the road that Meg is walking along, being careful not to get too close so that she senses me. I don’t know where she lives, but it can’t be far if she’s walking.
I was wrong. We walk for nearly half an hour. Eventually she turns into an estate not far from Cobo Bay and goes into a house. It’s one of those houses that looks like all the other ones on the street. Boring but nice. I don’t see anything about it that would be so hideous she wouldn’t want to stay there and instead sleep on a couch with a thin blanket. But I guess I know the real reasons she slept at Dean’s now. Although it still doesn’t make any sense.
I don’t know why I followed her. What am I hoping to see? As I think about leaving I wonder how much better I will feel if I confront her. If I just knock on the door and ask her why she treated me that way, and tell her how she made me feel. People like Meg should know the damage they do or they’ll just keep on doing it. She made me look like a fool and humiliated me night after night. She shouldn’t get away with it. So after half an hour of hiding in a bush outside her house, I go and knock on the door. After two long minutes, she opens it. She’s wearing a T-shirt and just her knickers. Like I’ve seen her so many times before.
‘Renée? What are you doing here?’
‘I followed you from school. I wasn’t going to knock, but I think you need to know how you made me feel. You really hurt me, sleeping with Dean. I thought he was my boyfriend.’
‘There are about five girls right now who think they’re Dean’s girlfriend. Dean doesn’t do girlfriends, Renée.’
He was seeing more people? How could I have been so stupid? It all seems so obvious now.
‘And so what are you? What makes you different?’
‘Renée, it’s complicated and I really want you to leave if that’s … ’
A male voice comes from upstairs.
‘Megan! Where’s my fucking whisky? Have you hidden my whisky?’
Meg looks nervous.
‘Please, Renée, you should leave.’
‘Who is that?’ I ask her. ‘Is that your dad?’
She doesn’t answer and I roll my eyes.
‘Meg, Dean is using you for sex. He used me and he obviously uses other people too … ’
‘Look, Renée, Dean lets me stay, OK? I give him what he wants and he gives me somewhere to stay when I need it. My part of the deal is as good as his, OK? Do you understand?’
The man’s voice comes again. This time it’s louder.
‘Meg! Get inside, you lazy little tart.’
My mouth drops open. Is Meg’s dad really talking to her like that?
‘Please, just go.’ Meg looks actually upset for the first time ever.
‘Are you OK?’ I ask her. No wonder she never wants to stay here, I think.
Meg shakes her head, like she’s warning me off.
‘Are you s—’ I try again.
‘Renée, just go home,’ she says. ‘Seriously.’
‘Fine, OK, I’ll go.’ I shrug and turn away from her.
But before she closes the door she calls after me, ‘Renée?’
I turn back to her.
‘Don’t think too badly of me, OK? Please?’
‘I won’t,’ I say, meaning it.
She shuts the door.
Flo
I feel like everything is coming together. Mum’s found Arthur, Renée knows she wants to go back to Spain, I got the grades I need to go to uni. Life is shifting into place. I’ve changed so much as a person this year. I’m more comfortable in myself than I’ve ever been, I know who I am better than ever before. Church has helped me with that. I’ll always be insecure, but that’s OK – I think everyone probably is.
I don’t think I am into religious rock groups, and even weekly Bible meetings might be a bit too much, but I’ve found something this summer, something that held me up when I was about to fall. I think my faith is here to stay. The church gives me a place to be neutral, to feel like the things that stress me out are manageable. It’s given me a way of coping, it’s guided me through another tough period in my life. I just wish I had found it sooner. It’s taught me how to trust in myself, and it’s taught me how to forgive. How to really forgive, and that’s why I’m about to do what I’m about to do. I am going to turn over the final stone that will truly release me into the next stage of my life. My final challenge.
I knock on the door. It opens.
‘Flo, what are you doing here?’
‘Hello, Sally.’
‘Excuse the mess,’ Sally says, bending down in front of me to pick up some kids’ toys. Her bottom eclipses the floor, she’s put on so much weight. She was always so skinny. Being bigger doesn’t suit her.
‘I’d make you some tea but I’ve been in the kitchen for the last hour washing bottles and I can’t be bothered to go back in.’
‘Don’t worry. I’m fine. So how have you been?’ I ask.
‘OK. Being a mum isn’t as easy as it looks, but it’s all right. It didn’t help that my dad cut me off.’ She looks at me suspiciously. ‘Not being funny, Flo, but what are you doing here?’
I see she hasn’t lost her ability to be rude to me, even after two years.
‘It was results day today. I passed everything and got what I need to go to uni.’
‘Results day? Wow, I feel so out of touch with anything like that. I tried to stay at school, but I had a hard pregnancy. I was really sick and had every complication you could ask for. School became more hassle than it was worth, so I left. You going to go away then?’
‘Yes, Nottingham,’ I say. ‘I’m excited. Look, I just wanted to come and see you because … our friendship really affected my life, Sally.’
‘Well, we were friends for a long time, until you dumped me.’
I bite my tongue.
‘You bullied me, Sally, for years. And I just wanted to say –’
There is a scream from upstairs. Her baby has woken up. As if I’m not even there she leaves the room and goes up to him. I follow the sound of his screams and find her in a tiny kids’ bedroom bobbing him up and down. I carry on.
‘You bullied me. I know you don’t think you did, but you did.’
The screams are getting louder. But I don’t stop.
‘Every day you’d tell me I was rubbish. You thought I was ugly, stupid, unfunny. And I believed you.’
The wailing is out of control. As if the baby is responding to what I am saying, but she isn’t.
‘I’ll always question myself because of the way you treated me. I don’t think it will ever really go away. The sound of your voice belittling me, your jibes, the way you bossed me about.’
‘Sorry, Flo. I think he has wind.’
The baby screams into her ear and I know what I am saying doesn’t reach her, but I have to say it.
‘But I forgive you, Sally. I forgive you for what you did to me for all of those years. And I’m going to get on with my life now, and do my best to move on from you.
‘Sorry, what? Flo, just wait, I’ll get him off again soon. Go
od boy, come on now, stop that noise.’
‘Bye, Sally.’
She doesn’t even notice me leaving.
11
Goodbye
Flo
‘Don’t turn my bedroom into a study when I’ve gone,’ I say to Mum as she sits on my bed watching me pack my last few bits and bobs.
‘Of course I won’t. It’s your room.’
‘And don’t redecorate. I like my wallpaper.’
‘As if I have the time to redecorate,’ she says huffily.
I sit on my case to shut it and look up at her as if to suggest that she help me, and then I see that she looks sad.
‘Mum? What’s the matter?’
‘I’ll miss you,’ she says. ‘I’ll miss having you around.’
I don’t know what to do with myself. In my entire life my mother has never said anything affectionate to me, or even suggested that she enjoyed my company. Even at our best, which has been over the last couple of years, there’s been no hint of love.
‘I know it’s never been easy between us, Flo, but you are my daughter and I love you. I’m sorry I’ve not been such a great mother to you. I’m trying to make sure I don’t mess Abi up in the same way.’
‘Mum, I … ’
‘It’s OK, you don’t need to say anything, I don’t blame you for hating me. Just come back and visit in the holidays, won’t you? You will come back?’
‘Of course I’ll come back. This is my home. And I don’t hate you, Mum.’
The strange thing is that I did hate her, for years. I hated her so much I wanted to hit her. But I don’t now. And I don’t want to leave with her thinking that I do.
‘Maybe without me living here, we will be better friends,’ I say.
‘I’d like that,’ she says. ‘For us to be better friends.’
‘I’d like that too.’
I zip up the last inch of my case.
‘Wow, I couldn’t have got another thing in. We should probably get going if we’re going to have time to pick Renée up on the way to the airport. Is that still OK?’
‘Of course. Flo … ’ Mum hesitates. I sense it would be inappropriate for me to move. ‘I’m proud of you, Flo, for doing so well and getting into university. And your father would be too.’
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