by Liz K. Lorde
For the first time in a long time, I saw something in her change. Something good. Her eyes rounded and she perked up, “So that’s what has gotten into you,” she noted like it was a fact written on my forehead she’d so kindly neglected to mention.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I’ve seen the way you act, the way that you’re smiling and you’re distant and the anger that came off of you that night.”
I twisted my nose to the side, my face scrunching up tightly, “I would’ve told you about him sooner, but it’s just so complicated. He had me get up on stage and sing during Karaoke night at this place, and god Mom it was just so freezing. So amazing. He is so amazing.”
A tight smile graced the lines of her face, “I can tell that he must be, with the way you blush like you do.”
I hadn’t even felt the red kiss my cheeks, “So not blushing,” I insisted, pushing out a sigh, “He’s everything I never knew I needed, mom.”
“That’s how it works, kiddo,” she wagged a finger.
The cloak of sadness wrapped itself tightly around me, and I felt like I had dragged a dozen moody clouds with me into her room. “It can’t be though,” it sounded like I was pouting. I just wanted the comfort of my mother’s words.
“Why not?”
“Because, my boss wants me to rip him and his club apart. He’ll hate me, mom. And it just fucking kills me, because he’s so sweet and stupid and, smart and…everything.” I was resigning myself to defeat now, the small lights of hope being snuffed by the encroaching darkness. I whispered, “and it just can’t be.”
“The only boss that you have to listen to is yourself, Jessica,” she reminded, her hand reaching over to me and grabbing at my wrist.
I brought my head up that I’d not even registered had sunk, looking into her eyes. If it was my choice, if I didn’t have so much on the line – if it was anyone else but her. I’d tell Gates to screw himself, in so many ways. “I can’t,” I whispered, the tears stinging at my eyes. “If I decide not to throw him and his club under the bus—“
“His name, dear,” Mom reminded, “tell me his name?”
I smiled, “Hunter.”
“A good name.”
“A better man,” I tried to blink away the pain.
“If you love him,” she said, “then you’ll know what to do. If he loves you, then the both of you will find a way.” It didn’t feel that simple. It made me feel weak to think that I was so madly in love with the man, and to say it aloud felt like it would make me only weaker.
But I felt it all the same. “I do,” I said so softly I wasn’t sure that she heard me, “love him, that is. Can you love someone so quick?”
“Love is much like life, Blue Jay. It’s all made up as we go along, we can only go with what we feel. If you hold love in your heart for him, then yes. If you do not, then no. Either way,” she coughed and then cleared her throat, going for her water and sipping from it. “Either way, don’t you dare beat yourself up for feeling something.”
The dagger found my breast and I shook my head, “It’s not how I feel for him that scares me. I mean it does. But…it’s how I feel for him and the people that I care about, that I love – namely you.”
“Jessica,” she started, her hand finding mine again, “I won’t always be around.”
“But I need you to be,” I sucked in a sharp breath, and it came out all funny and ragged – and a pressure built up in my nose. “I’d do anything for you.”
“Do anything for you,” she insisted, “let me worry about me.”
Everything hurt, and I only found myself stuck further between that terrible rock and a hard place.
24
Hunter – One Night Later.
I pulled Jessica’s naked body closer to me, so that she could lay her gorgeous head on my chest. “You gonna tell me what’s on your mind there?” I punctuated my next words with a series of kisses, “my very, very sweet firecracker.” I’d been trying to get her to spill her guts ever since we hooked up tonight, but that girl was like the night river – carrying her burdens down the cool of her stream, beneath the cover of night. For as much as I tried, she would put up those walls and try and change the subject.
“I’m alright,” she insisted, circling my chest with her index finger and placing a few kisses there too. Each motion of her finger, every ounce of her love that she poured into those kisses; it made me feel alive, made me feel strong and good and just damn happy to be around.
“So, you never knew your parents?” She inquired.
My shoulders shifted, “Be lying if I said that I was okay with not knowing them,” it hurt to think about, hell, it hurt even more to talk about it. But with Jessica, I wanted to be clear about everything – I wanted to spill all the secrets that I was. That I’d bottled up over the years, the days that I’d been spending without her. Pain raked across my chest and fire twisted through my veins. I’d never spoken the words out loud, but the thorn of feeling pricking at my heart was starting to make me go insane. You were never supposed to fall for this chick; supposed to be keeping your head up, worrying about the club and getting your patch.
Scolding myself could have been my born profession, had I not met Brad back when I was nineteen.
“You have no idea where they are?” Jessica asked.
“Not a clue,” that was truth, through and through. I’d written a letter for my father a couple of years back, hoping to one day give it to him. Course, that day never came – and most of the time I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to or not anyway. “Most of the time, I’m not sure how badly I want to see them. Other days? It’s all I can think about – or well, it was all that I could think about.”
Jessica’s cute little smirk widened at what I was implying. “I want to tell you something,” she started.
“You can tell me anything, Jess,” I placed the back of my hand along her cheek, stroking with affection. “Seriously, I’m not just saying that.”
“I appreciate that,” she whispered and then cleared her throat, her eyes sliding over and away from me before returning. There was an almost imperceptible field of hesitation that cloaked her. “I don’t talk about it, like, ever. But…my mother’s dying, Hunter.”
My gut twisted and this terrible heat shot up to my throat; felt like the room grew smaller and that my little girl weighed twice as much as she did. The bones in my body wanted to crawl away from me.
“Her insurance representative keeps telling us there’s nothing that can be done, not without ponying up our percent of the bill. Never done a damn thing wrong in her day, and they won’t move a fat finger to help her.”
I lifted myself onto my elbows and looked down at Jessica, my eyes studying her face, “How much do you guys need?”
She just shook her head, “Too much. They keep telling us that continuing the chemo now would just make things worse, they want to do some kind of break-through nano therapy. Send in little robots to kill the cancerous cells, I don’t know.”
“Tell me how much you need, Jess.”
She swallowed, giving me a look of that haunting neck, “Eighty grand, rounded up.”
“Christ,” the club was well off, but a figure like that wouldn’t be easy to come up with on the spot – not with our current assets. Things would have to be liquidated, payments weren’t always done on a bi-weekly basis; just the nature of the business. I wanted to promise her that I’d change into my street clothes right now, drop down to the bank and put that money in her hand.
I wanted to. God I did.
But I knew that she could see it in my eyes, that there was no way something like that could happen overnight. Could feel the fucking crushing sadness just radiating off of her, and so I held her tight, letting Jessica bury herself in my chest. “I’m sorry baby,” I offered low and true, “I’m so sorry that you and your mom both have to go through that. It’s not fair. It’s not right.”
“This isn’t how it was supposed to be,” Jessica ligh
tly sobbed, her fingers digging into my lower back, her head pushing hard against me. She sucked in a ragged breath.
“It’s gonna be okay,” I told her, “I got you. Whatever you can come up with, me and the club? We’ll do right by you, we’ll get you where you need to go. Do you hear me?” I stroked my fingers against the scalp of her resplendent head. “Nod if you hear me, baby.”
She nodded, quietly and sullenly as a mouse – I could tell that she wasn’t one to ask for help, wasn’t one to usually need it. I kissed the crown of her head and then rubbed my hand along her exposed back, feeling the smoothness of her silken skin, “We all need help every once in a while,” I told her, “the only time you can be brave, is when you’re ready to admit it.”
“I’m tired of being brave,” she squeezed me tighter than I ever thought possible and broke down right in my arms. Her retriever Barristan hopped up onto the bed and made sure to show his signs of support.
I held and consoled her throughout the next hour until she finally managed to work up the strength to lift herself out of bed. “Thank you,” she said, her hair spilling across her perfect breasts and semi-hard nipples. “I think I’m going to take a shower, been dreading it for the past fifteen. Did you want to join me?”
“Yeah,” I yawned and stretched my arms out across the bed, her dog sidling over to me and pooling into a ball of fur. “I’ll join you in a minute. Feelin’ lazy.”
She smiled, “Okay, don’t fall asleep on me,” her eyes slid between the dog and me.
I brushed my hand against the pup’s head, “This big fur baby here might get the best of me, Jess. I don’t know,” a chuckle rumbled from my throat.
She just rolled her eyes and turned, heading off to bathroom – which was conveniently located in the master bedroom. Jessica didn’t seem quite as apprehensive about it, and she entered through the bathroom door, partially closing it; I could make out the sound of the shower. Didn’t sound like she had moved into it just yet.
The dog rolled on his back to the left, then right; then left again, and right another. Yeah alright, I get the picture, bud. I moved my hand over to his belly and gave him a long series of pets and scratches before lifting myself out of the warm and comfy bed. The bed that smelled so deliciously of that girl.
I couldn’t help but smile. Spying one of Barristan’s toys on the floor, it was some tug-of-war bone made of thick rope. I grabbed it and waved it at the dog, who immediately perked up in attention. Tossing it across the bed, the toy thumped loudly against Jessica’s heavy, wooden, dresser desk.
Barristan woofed excitedly and loped over towards it.
Jessica called out, “What was that?”
“Nothing,” I announced innocently, striding over towards the dog who promptly picked up the toy and sat on his hind end, looking up at me expectantly. “Good boy,” I praised with some thick exaggeration, thinking it kind of funny how we treated animals like everything that they did was as important and groundbreaking as pooping outside instead of in.
On top of Jessica’s desk was an assortment of objects. She had a vanity mirror and some lights attached to it that were off, a couple of neatly stacked papers and some various makeups. Eyeliner, blush, a bottle of women’s vitamins. There was something on the desk that pulled my eyes though; there was this black and white composition journal with a blank face.
I leaned against the desk with one hand and pulled on Barristan’s toy with the other, listening to his play growls as he tugged against what little force I exerted. Curiosity pricked at the back of my brain, and I looked over to the bathroom door where I could hear the intense pattering of water.
Yanking at Barristan’s toy, I smirked and looked over to him. “You’re pretty strong, boy,” and as the words left my lips, he somehow managed to rip the toy’s end free of my hand – promptly hiding himself beneath Jessica’s bed. “Hey, that’s rude buddy,” a small laugh escaped me and I felt something press at my heart; felt this whimsical heat that trailed itself along my spine.
I wasn’t the typical person to snoop, but I knew so little when I wanted to know so much. I convinced myself that if it was too personal, I’d just close the book. And that I would only look for just a moment, that it was just to sate my lizard-brain nature.
Releasing a deep hum for half a second to myself, I looked one last time to Jessica’s bathroom and then turned the cover of the book open. It quickly became apparent to me that this was a work book for her, and not a diary – was it the ash of disappointment that I tasted? There was a twinge of guilt that ran through me.
Still, I persisted in casually sifting through her book – flipping a page at a time. Most of it was full of notes that she had left herself, complaining about how her coworkers couldn’t spell for shit or that the Joe Everyman of the world was being an asshole towards her when she was out and about researching. Little pricks of happiness assailed me at reading her cute little notes peppered around about investigating a real-estate scandal in Dunmorrow.
Beating feet and researching. Journalist, copy-editor, works at a newspaper. The thoughts somehow dark skittered along the edge of my mind.
My eyes scanned another page, and this strange feeling of lead running through my veins consumed me. I heard Jessica call my name, but I barely registered the sound – hardly noticed my reply to her too.
I turned the page.
Everything tightened. Something struck my gut and it felt like I needed to suck in some air, but my lungs were full and I’d forgotten how. Electric rage danced through me, and the ends of my fingers burned with this pure, and primal anger. Eyes crawling over a list of familiar names and descriptions, my eyebrows knitted tightly together and I felt like I was going to be sick.
There were theories; accurate if not missing some details on a few things, descriptions of peoples roles in the club and club dealings. Tommy, Reyes, Jameson, Brad, Holly, Lex, they were all here – and they were all made.
Stepping backwards, the world around me felt lighter. I fell back against the bed and landed clumsily on my ass, just processing what I’d seen.
Reyes and Holly had warned me about her. Hell, I knew that she had more about her than she was letting on – how could she do this? She even told me what she did for a living, and I was what, too stupid? Too—fuck.
Fuck. That was when it all came rushing out, the anger bonding itself hot to my bones. I felt the wrath of god kissing on the back of my neck, my hairs stiffly bristling – every neuron was firing and leaving me on edge. The pain of what she’d done to me, to us, to my club. It stabbed at my heart. She’d lacerated me without speaking a word, cut down every good feeling that I was delusional enough to trust in.
I grabbed my pants and hastily dressed myself, stomping back over to that horrible item and snatching it from the desk. There was a seduction in the air, to rip the book into a thousand pieces and proceed to break every-fucking-thing I could get my hands on. The bones of my body ached with a need to destroy.
And I hated every inch of me for that.
I stormed my way over to that traitorous bitch’s bathroom door like Lucifer freed from his infernal cage. The door made an all-too-satisfying crack as my boot crashed against it.
Jessica loudly yelped and the dark blue of her shower curtains jumped. “Hunter?! What the fuck?”
The dog bolted out from the bed and into the living room, no doubt frightened. “Get. OUT,” I boomed and threw the curtain aside.
She was backed up in the corner of the shower and horrified, her eyes finding the notebook in my hand. “Wai—“
I lurched forward, stepping into the stream of water and grabbed her tight by the wrist. She yelled out as I forcefully pulled on her soaked body, removing her from the shower. She stumbled and nearly fell to the floor as I practically dragged her through the doorway. Fire pricked at my veins and I exhaled a hard breath.
“Hunter, hunter,” she pleaded, her voice thick with fear and laced with desperation. Or was it cowardice? I was too angry t
o mull on it. “Please,” she said, “please I can explai—“
She crashed hard against the bed, her wild hair splaying.
I clenched the book so tight in my hands that my knuckles turned ghost white, “There’s nothing to explain,” the venom dripped and my eyes locked on her as she tried to physically compose herself. In that terrible moment, that hateful, hurting and black hour – nothing made sense. I was operating purely on instinct.
Tonight there was no me. Only the animal I’d always known since I was a boy. Angry. Violent. Broken.
Jessica bundled herself up in her blankets and backed as far away from me as the bed and the wall would permit her. “Please, Hunter,” she said, “I need you to just calm down.” I could see the glint of tears staining her eyes, the burden of misery on the lines of her face.
“I need to calm down? Jessica, what the fuck,” I exploded, striking the wooden post of her bed with her journal. “You’ve been writing everything down in this book?” I could see that she wanted to speak, but I wasn’t ready to listen. “This why you were at the club?” I raised the book into the air, “hm? To get to me? I trusted you.”
She brought her hand up to cover her trembling lip, and when she spoke, the whip was in her voice, “Stop yelling at me,” she demanded. How dare she. “Yes,” anger and pain dripped from her tone, “I was writing about you, about you and the Hell Reapers.” Anger colored her face.
The muscles in my jaw jumped, “You even realize what that would do?” I snarled, “you want to put my family away for good? You disgust me, Jessica. You fucking lied about everything.”
“I had to! I dropped it, okay? I told my boss I couldn’t do it and it fucked me,” she’s lying and you know it. Jessica wound back her arm and shot a pillow at me. As it flew over to me, I swatted it with the back of my hand. “You asshole,” she yanked at the blankets on the bed and repositioned herself, her nose flaring. “The money for doing it would have been for her. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you. I, I didn’t even fucking know how.”