by Mia Ashlinn
As though someone took over her like it had him, Sarah latched on to Adam’s hair with both hands and held him to her. He groaned into her mouth then ratcheted up the intensity of his kiss. He tangled his tongue around hers. He jerked her against him so tightly she couldn’t feel anything but him.
Sarah felt a lot of Adam. His lean body was all around her, embracing her from every direction. His long legs held hers between them, the power of his inner thighs astounding her, and his steely cock was huge as it pressed against her.
As Sarah stood there locked in Adam’s embrace, kissing him as if she would die tomorrow, she would have given anything to be naked. For the first time in her life, she wanted to be open and vulnerable—to these men and these men alone.
Out of nowhere a realization hit her. Deke. He wasn’t touching her. He wasn’t kissing her. Was he even with them? Or did he walk away like she feared he would? There was only one way to find out, but did she have the courage to look?
Yes, she did. But when she opened her eyes and saw the empty kitchen, she wished she didn’t.
Chapter 5
Panic gripped Sarah in its vicious claws and fear shredded her soul as she watched the kitchen door swing shut for the last time. No! Her body screamed. Not this time. Without thinking, she chased after Deke.
Rushing through the kitchen then the living room, Sarah didn’t give a second thought about anything in her path. She hastily weaved through the maze of boxes, jumping over some things and kicking aside others.
“Deke,” she yelled as soon as she stepped outside her apartment. Turning her head first left then right, she searched for him in the lengthy hallway. Like earlier, he was taking the stairs. But she wasn’t about to let that happen.
Predictably, the stubborn man ignored her. Other than a slight stiffening, he gave no indication that he’d even heard her. But she noticed the way his sleek, powerful body tautened for a split second. Aha!
“Stop, Deke,” she said again, her voice less loud but no less firm. Then she pulled out the big guns. “Please.”
She heard him curse a second before he came to a complete halt. He exhaled through his teeth, the hiss sounding noisy in the silence of the hallway, and spun back to face her. His expression caused her to pause. He was arctic, colder than anything she’d ever seen before. And his eyes, oh boy, his dark eyes were bleak, the brown depths raw with something she couldn’t explain. It was beyond pain. It superseded grief. He was like a man who’d lost the world. Then with a blink of his eyes, the despair was gone. In its place was disdain.
“What?” he demanded. “I have important things to be doing, Sarah.”
She wanted to ask, Am I not important? But that was childish, not to mention pointless. Deke might be distant, and he might be cold. Heck, he was an all-around pain in the bottom sometimes. But he cared. And that scared him, just like it scared her.
“Don’t leave,” she said, not worrying about the quaver in her voice. “I–I have some things I need to talk to you about.”
Deke didn’t even blink. “No you don’t. You have Adam. Talk to him.”
Sarah shook her head. “I need to talk to both of you.”
Silently, Deke stood there, frowning. But he didn’t leave. That’s what Sarah cared about.
One moment passed, then another, and Deke still did nothing. Neither did Sarah. She simply waited, her feet remaining rooted to the carpeted floor. She didn’t move. She struggled to even breathe.
While she stood frozen, Adam joined her and Deke in the desolate hallway. He cleared his throat. “Why don’t we head inside?” he half-suggested, half-demanded. “This is hardly the time or place.”
Still neither she nor Deke spoke.
Glowering, Adam planted his huge hand on her hip. The heat of his skin bled through her skirt and into her flesh, but she ignored it. Deke, however, did not. He glared venomously at Adam’s possessive touch. “I think that’s a damn good idea,” he snapped. “We need to get a few things straight.”
Surprisingly, Deke was on her and Adam before she could catch her breath. He advanced on them, backing both her and Adam into the apartment then slamming the door behind him. As soon as they were alone, Deke growled at Adam. And Adam growled back.
Sarah eyed one man, then the other. Suddenly, she felt like the weak prey thrown between an African lion and an Asian tiger. Oh, purple pickle eater. What do I do now?
But Sarah didn’t have to do anything. Deke did it for her. He charged straight for Adam and grabbed the collar of his lover’s cashmere sweater before hauling Adam up against him. Then he did the last thing Sarah expected. He slammed his lips onto Adam’s.
Their kiss was hot, fiery enough to start a blaze in a torrential downpour, and Sarah gasped as the flames coming off them touched her, licking at her flesh. Heat caressed every inch of her, and she felt a rope tugging her toward them as though she should be between them, as if she should go to them. But she didn’t.
Instead, she watched Deke and Adam in fascination as their passion exploded. They ravaged each other. Their tongues came out and clashed. She heard the sounds of their harsh, choppy breaths. And oh, goodness, the tension coiled between them—so much arousal, so much anger. It shouldn’t excite Sarah. Yet it did.
Then suddenly, Deke broke the kiss with a groan. “Stop pushing this,” he snapped. “Stop pushing me.”
Adam glared at Deke with eyes that spoke of love, lust, and absolute, undiluted fury. “No.” That was all he said—nothing more, nothing less.
Deke frowned. “Adam Blake Stanton, back the fuck off.”
“No,” Adam repeated.
“Yes,” Deke growled.
Sarah felt silly standing there in silence. There was so much to say, and she didn’t know where to start. Finally, she managed to croak, “Deke.”
Without releasing Adam, Deke turned and looked at her. “What?” he barked. Then something inside Deke changed. He went stone cold, his face closing up. But his eyes remained angry. For some reason, Sarah sensed that his anger had nothing to do with her or Adam. She just didn’t know why.
Only Deke didn’t give her a chance to ask. He dropped Adam then gave them both his back. A second later, he was gone from the room. Although, at least this time he didn’t leave the apartment. He merely stalked into the kitchen.
Sarah sighed. “I’ll be back,” she murmured before touching Adam’s arm then brushing a kiss on his cheek. “Deke needs me.”
She knew that her words were true. Deke needed her right now, even more than Adam did. And Adam clearly knew it, too, because he nodded and said, “Go.”
* * * *
Pacing in the kitchen, Deke felt like he was seconds away from losing it. All these emotions were ripping through him, and he felt powerless to stop them. That’s why he’d escaped to the nearest empty room. He couldn’t stand to be around Sarah, not when he was that out of control. He knew that he would never hurt her physically, but he could scare her. He’d feared he would, and that was unacceptable to him. No, Sarah being hurt or scared was abhorrent. She was meant to be safe and loved and cherished. Just not by me.
A pang of jealousy poleaxed Deke, his envy swelling inside him and rushing over him in a violent wave until he was paralyzed by the debilitating agony. He cursed himself. Then he cursed Adam. After that, he cursed himself again.
Jealousy was disgusting and vile. And he hated it. But here he was, cut to the core by the emotion he reviled most. Lately, he’d been suffering from the affliction more often than he would ever admit. Every time Sarah glued her tiny body to Adam’s side, so close she was practically wrapped around him, Deke wanted to tear something apart. When she peered up at Adam’s face with the gray eyes he couldn’t get enough of, Deke wanted to howl his misery. It was all too much. The overt adoration she showed toward his partner and the way she spoke softly to him. It was killing him, one tiny cut at a time.
Deke was giving up Sarah. He was making the sacrifice, but Adam wasn’t. He was going to get to ke
ep Sarah. Knowing his partner, he would always have a part of her, a part that Deke didn’t. He would have her friendship. And despite the love he felt for his partner, Deke resented Adam for that. He actually begrudged his own partner for having something he didn’t. God, I’m a bastard.
“Deke?” the sweetest voice whispered from behind him.
Deke paused mid-step, his breath stalling in his chest. Sarah? Had she actually followed him? He’d figured she would stay with Adam. She always had before.
Since Sarah had met Adam, she’d hurt Deke time and again without even realizing it. When she turned to his partner and not him, it was painful. They’d known each other for years, yet she seemed to prefer Adam’s help and comfort.
Of course, Deke understood why. But that didn’t change the fact that it bothered him. Adam was the easygoing one. He was the kind one. Even when he was in a bad temper, he was everything Sarah needed in a man. Deke was not. He was a grizzly bear on his best day, and he ate bunnies like her for breakfast on his worst.
“Yeah, Sarah,” he said, choosing to resume his pacing rather than face her. “Did you need something?”
“No,” she replied softly. “I didn’t.”
Again, he stopped mid-step. “Then why are you here?”
“You need me.”
He forced out a derisive snort. “I need no one.”
“Everyone needs someone,” she countered.
Breathing heavily, Deke ambled toward the sink. He braced his hands on the counter and bowed his head so that she wouldn’t be able to read his expression. “I don’t. I would be better off alone.”
Her hand suddenly appeared on his shoulder, and he jumped in surprise. “That’s not true,” she said compassionately. “Adam would be lost without you. So would I.”
Bullshit. Adam and Sarah would be fine. They’d have each other. Jealousy cut into Deke again, the slice of the blade so deep he flinched. “Whatever helps you sleep at night, Sassy.”
Sarah’s nickname rolled right off his tongue as though it was the most natural thing for him to say. In reality, it wasn’t. He rarely called her Sassy anymore. That pet name brought up too many memories of their intertwined childhoods. He remembered all the good times, playing with her and talking to her. He recalled how she was as a child—the sweet, little girl who rarely talked and often hid from sight yet had an irrepressibly spirited side when it came to the things she cared about.
No matter how big or small something was, if Sarah loved it, she would do anything for it and protect it with her life. Like her precious flowers. Deke could still remember when Sarah planted her first flower. She’d waited for that silly thing to bloom eagerly and when the flower had finally blossomed, she’d been ecstatic. But then it had died, and her foster mother had tried to throw it away. Only Sarah wouldn’t let her. She’d fought fiercely to keep it. And she’d won. They’d pressed the flower and kept it in her favorite book.
God, he had to stop. He didn’t need to let the memories in. It just endeared her to him further. How could he not adore a woman who loved as deeply as she did, who never gave up on the important things, and who was pure at heart? Even worse, how could he lock her out of his heart when he was the one she loved, when he was the one she wouldn’t give up on?
“Go away,” he growled. “I don’t need this right now.”
Rubbing his back in small, soothing circles, Sarah sighed wearily. “I think this is exactly what you need.”
It was what he needed, but he wasn’t about to admit that to himself or Sarah. “No. What I need is to get back to The Edge. I have work to do.”
That much was true. He was in the middle of helping his friend Sam Carrington get back on his feet. He needed to be making calls and sorting through things. But no, he was here, acting like some glutton for punishment.
Stepping back, Sarah murmured, “Then go.” As she dropped her hand away from him, a huge invisible wall came down between them. Immediately, he missed the warmth and softness. Her touch had eased his tight chest. Now that her hand was gone, he wanted it back. “I can’t make you stay, Deke. But I wish you would. I wish you would talk to me.”
Wish in one hand. Shit in the other.
Clearly Deke’s sarcasm didn’t connect with him because a second later he did the unthinkable. He said, “Sarah, I would give anything to be what you want me to be. I just can’t, and you deserve better than that. You deserve a hell of a lot better than me.”
With those parting words, he headed for the door. But she didn’t let him have the last word. As he brushed past her, she whispered, “You’re wrong, Deke. You are what I want. I know that. And deep down, you know it too, just like you know that love is like gravity. You can’t see it, but you can feel it.” She brushed her lustrous hair back with a visibly shaking hand. “In the end, you can’t fight the undeniable pull, no matter what you do. We’re bound by it, and one of these days, you won’t be able to walk away from me, Adam, or our love.”
He had a very sick feeling she was right. However, that day was not today. So he kept on walking.
* * * *
After Deke had gone, Sarah let Adam guide her through the living room in her tiny, new apartment. She didn’t say a word, not even when he lowered himself onto the ratty couch she loved so much and pulled her into his lap. She merely snuggled into his embrace in silence, relishing the comfort his warm body could give her.
A minute ticked by before Adam spoke. “You know it’s not you. Right?” His worried eyes captured hers. “He’s just…”
A pain in the ever-loving butt? “Yeah, I know.” And she did know. Yet that didn’t make his rejections any easier. In fact, sometimes it made it harder because she couldn’t fight the frightened man inside of him, not unless he wanted her help. Obviously, he didn’t. He’d not reached out to her, even when she’d practically begged him to.
Sarah’s heart clenched. Oh God. What if he never changes? Immediately, she stopped her thoughts. It wouldn’t do her any good to play the What If? game. She’d only drive herself crazy. No, she needed to focus on the here and now.
“He’s running scared.” Adam continued to defend his absent partner valiantly.
Sarah nodded. “I know. I get it.”
“Do you?” he pressed.
Sarah dragged her gaze away from Adam. She raked her eyes across the cluttered room, searching for something to look at. Just not Adam’s concerned face. “Other than you, no one knows better than I do about Deke and his skewed emotional responses,” she said, finding the box marked Books interesting and gluing her eyes there. “He lashes out when he’s angry. He runs when he’s scared. And he never allows himself to truly be happy. He has to sabotage every good thing that comes his way.”
Talk about the understatement of a lifetime. Deke wrecked every chance of happiness he’d ever had. She’d seen his constant self-destruction with her own eyes. Well, except his love for Adam. Really, it was surprising that Deke hadn’t undermined and demolished their relationship before now. That was just his way.
“You’re right,” Adam said unexpectedly.
“Huh?” Sarah asked, confused. Had she spoken her thoughts aloud? Obviously. Anxious, she returned her eyes to Adam’s gorgeous face, but he wasn’t looking at her. He was staring off in space with the saddest eyes she’d ever seen.
“It’s a miracle Deke hasn’t demolished our relationship,” he remarked morosely. “God knows he’s tried.”
Oh crap. She’d hurt Adam’s feelings. “I–I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I–I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Casting his blue eyes her way, Adam cupped her face with his hand. He stroked her bottom lip with the tip of his finger. “Sweet pea, it’s the truth. He loves me. But he doesn’t want to, and that hurts sometimes.”
Sarah couldn’t help but asking. “Then why do you stay?”
“Why do you?” he shot right back.
“Because I love him.”
Adam smiled. However, his expression was anything bu
t happy. “I do too. And Deke’s a hard man to love.”
Isn’t that the truth? “Do you ever regret loving him?”
Adam’s eyes grew round. “Of course not. Do you?”
Without hesitating, Sarah shook her head. “No. I just wish…”
“What?” he asked, frowning. “What do you wish?”
“I wish he loved me enough…to stop running, I mean.”
“Give him time.”
“I am. I have.” She sighed. “Adam, I’ve given him years. Years I can’t get back. And I’m terrified that I’ll keep giving him time, and he’ll never stop running.”
Adam’s frown deepened. “He will,” he said, but his words lacked conviction. And his eyes did, too.
“Maybe, maybe not,” she muttered. “I just know that I want to love and be loved. I want to get married and have tons of babies.” She paused and took a deep, soothing breath before saying the one other thing she wanted in her life. “I want to take a Dom.”
“I know you do,” he whispered as he caressed the side of her face. “I’ve been waiting for you to say those words.”
She’d suspected that he’d been waiting patiently for her to embrace her submissive side once again. But he’d never said a word. He’d never pressed her for more. And she’d been grateful for that.
“I want you to be my Dom,” she managed to mumble. “I want Deke to be my Dom, too. You’re the only two men I trust with my heart and soul.”
Adam bent over and brushed her forehead with a gentle kiss. “I’m honored. You know that.”
“If things change between the three of us, would you ever consider making me your sub? Do you think Deke would?” As soon as the words slipped from her lips, Sarah stole a breath and held it. When Adam said nothing, the air rushed from her lungs in short, shallow pants. Her blood started thundering through her, and she felt a blush creeping into her cheeks. “I–I’ll take that as a no,” she stammered.