by Megan Linski
I’ve failed this semester. I’ve missed so much school that there’s no point in me trying to go back and at this rate I don’t even feel like I have the energy to. I’ve almost lost my job, but I talked to my boss and he knows the situation. He said to come back whenever I feel ready. For now, I’ve been replaced.
My mother walks into the room. She, Peter and Noah are the only people I’ve seen since I came home. “How are you feeling today?” she asks.
I don’t answer. She sighs and comes to sit down by my side. “When you’re young and in love, it’s never meant to last,” she says, stroking my hair. “I just wish I had realized that before I married...”
“You were my age when you married him,” I say blankly, not looking at her.
“Too young,” she repeats. She shakes her head. “I should’ve concentrated more on school...on work...on having fun and being myself. Playing the field. I was too foolish and naive to know what true love is. I shouldn’t have said yes, and I could’ve saved you from all this mess.” Tears spark in her eyes.
“You loved him.”
“Did I? I don’t know.” She hesitates. “I just don’t want you to make the same mistake.”
“Noah loves me. He came after me. He’s been over here everyday taking care of me.” They were more statements to me than anything else.
“I don’t think he’s the one for you, sweetie. I adore Noah, I do, and you know that. I just want what’s best for you, and and I don’t want you thinking he’s your knight in shining armor just because-”
“He’s the one who found me in the streets! It wasn’t you!” I burst out, pushing her away. She stands up and looks at me, lip trembling, and says with a shaky breath, “Well...alright. Just don’t get hurt. If you have to, hurt him before he hurts you. You should be focusing on healing now, and maybe it’s best if you two take a break. Until you’re better.”
“Leave, Mother,” I tell her. She walks out the door to work and I sit there in silence, staring at the wall.
Noah walks in about two hours later, and I haven’t moved nor looked at anything else since my mother left. “You alright today?” His face is concerned, worried. He’s always worried these days.
“Sit down. I have to talk to you.” My heartbeat quickens, my breath becomes haggard. I can’t breathe.
“What’s wrong?” I can see the fear in his eyes. He knows what’s coming.
“We can’t do this anymore,” I tell him. “We...have have to break up. That’s it. I’m breaking up with you.”
“What?” his face instantly goes white. “Rosie-”
“Just stop,” I say, and I reach out to touch his face. “This isn’t your fault. But I don’t want to end up like my mom and dad, Noah. I don’t want to love you through all these years and then lose you because I’ve lost my mind in the end. I can’t do that to you.”
“You don’t love me,” he says, and his whole body is shaking. He’s crying, and he grabs my hands in his. “Please Rosemary, I’ll do anything. I’ll go to college, I’ll find out what I’m doing with my life, just please don’t do this.”
“It has nothing to do with love, Noah! I have no choice!” No more than a few weeks ago this would’ve been unthinkable, and I would’ve done the same thing Noah was doing right now. I would’ve been down on my knees, begging for him to stay. But I couldn’t put up with this anymore. “This isn’t going to work! Eventually we’re going to fall apart and I don’t want to do that to you. It’s better to make a clean break now and be done with it.”
“Rosie, I told you that I would never hurt you. You told me that too, was that all a lie?”
“I didn’t lie, but I didn’t see this coming either. Noah, if you love me, you’ll do this for me,” I say, and the tears finally just start pouring from my eyes. “Just...just go! If you love me, you’ll leave me alone. It’s over. We’re done.”
He stares at me for a few more seconds, barely comprehending my words. Then he slowly stands up, turns for the door, and grasps the doorknob. He looks back at me one last time and states, “You know Rosie, I’d do anything for you. I’d rather face the worst thing possible, see everything terrible, lose all that is meaningful and go through whatever is horrible with you than to have everything I could ever want without you. Whatever the case, I wanted to be by your side...it would have been better to be with you and to have lost everything than it would have been to have everything and lost you. And you know what? You may find somebody else, but you will never find anyone who loves you as much as I do. I can guarantee that.”
The lock clicks on his way out, like a bullet fired straight to blow away my heart.
*
Pointless. I pocketed the emerald engagement ring in my jacket, sick at the sight of it. I didn’t know what I was going to do with it now. Those dreams of asking Rosemary to be my wife were now dashed and gone forever. I’d never get that chance again. It was all over. I wanted to throw up at the thought of how I had let her chase me away, but in all reality there was nothing I could’ve done about it. I did everything I could, yet there was no saving us. I had failed.
My bike wasn’t riding right so I pulled it over on the old bridge that crossed over the river leading into Lousdale. I had fixed it with ease from the crash, but it would never be the same again. All that was wrong with it now was a slightly loose tire, but I didn’t want to fiddle with it right now. I wanted to think.
I lost her. She meant everything to me, and now she’s gone. I’m directionless in an open world. I’m rambling through life without a clue. Without her, what am I? I hadn’t cared about anything before I met her. I was reckless to the point of stupidity. Would I become that way again? Cold and empty? What would I be besides miserable, confused, uncaring? Rosemary wasn’t like any of the girlfriends I had ever had before. I felt differently about her, felt more. Protecting her was my duty, and I had failed miserably. Would she be alright without me there? I shook my head. There were no answers right now. The only thing left in me was survival. The only thing I had to worry about from now on was making it to the next morning. I haven’t slept, or eaten, since she declared us over. I looked like shit.
“Hey buddy, you need some help?”
I turned to see two burly bikers idling next to me on the side of the road, looking concerned. I must look like a mad man.
“No I’ve just stopped because my wheel was acting funny. I’ve got tools in my bag to fix it.”
“You sure? We can help.” The one man, large with a gray beard, looked at me kindly. He reminded me of my grandfather.
“Yeah, it’s fine.” I pause, listening to the one engine. “Has it always sounded like that?” I ask the one rider, a tall, lanky man and pointing to the bike.
“What? Oh no, just recently. I’ve taken it into the shop and they don’t know what’s wrong with it.” His mouth becomes thin.
“Mind if I take a look?” The two men glance at each other and I say, “I promise I won’t hurt it. I just want to explain what’s going on.”
“Alright kid,” the thin guy says. “We’ll give it a shot. It can’t hurt. I’m going to get rid of it anyway unless the damn racket stops.”
Within forty minutes I have the machine completely fixed. “Go ahead and start it up,” I say. The thin man climbs on it apprehensively, then starts it up. “It sounds brand new!” he shouts over the loud roar, speeding it up and down the bridge. It’s running perfectly.
“You have a gift. Where’d you learn to fix bikes like that?” Gray beard says, watching his buddy zoom by.
“My dad’s been teaching me mechanics ever since I could hold a wrench, and I work on a farm. It comes naturally to me. I have a motor for a brain and oil in my blood,” I laugh. Laughing feels abnormal, even wrong, to me, but it still comes out of my throat.
“You’ve got talent.” The skinny man gets off the bike and takes out his wallet, taking out a few crumpled bills. “Here. You deserve it.”
“No sir, I can’t take your money for doin
g something I love,” I refuse.
“Take it. You’ve earned it. Some of those guys who tried to fix it had years on them, and you just showed them all up. You should think about it for a career one day,” he says, pushing the bills into my hand. “You sure you don’t want help with that wheel?”
“I think he’s got it, Burt,” Gray beard says, laying a hand on the other man’s shoulder. “We have to go anyway. The girls are expecting us.”
“Alright.” The skinny man shakes my hand. “Thank you again. You should really think about what I said. Take it easy.”
“You too.” I watch them speed off, a feeling of contentment spreading through me. As I look down at the money he gave me it hits me. He’s right. I could do this for a living. I had saved up enough that I could go to tech school without loans. I could be out in two years, one if I studied through the summer. Maybe one day I could even open up my own bike shop. Excitement fills me, understanding. I finally know what I want to do, and it had been right in front of me all along.
Then I feel the bump in my pocket and all my joy fades. How ironic I discovered my passion right when I no longer needed (or wanted...I now realize how badly I wanted it) to tell Rosemary. Does it even matter anymore? I sigh. Whether it does or not, I have to try. That’s what she wanted for me. It’s what I want for myself.
I fix my wheel, fire it up and head home. Might as well look online to see who offers motorcycle tech degrees. If this was the first step I needed to take for my future, there was no point in waiting any longer to take it.
*
“Rosemary McGowan. What a pretty name,” the nurse says, looking up at me from a smile from her desk. I wish I could be as cheery as her.
“Thank you,” I say dully. I’m back at the hospital again, filling out papers for another ultrasound. The doctors wanted to keep checking that my internal organs were okay for a few more weeks. If something showed up they didn’t catch they wanted to be able to stop the bleeding. I didn’t see why it mattered. The most important organ in my chest had already died.
I hand the nurse my paperwork and sit down in the waiting room, looking at the elderly couple holding hands across from me. Tears well up in my eyes. The nurse calls out a name and the old man takes forever to get up, not letting go of her hand. “Come on baby. We’ll go together.”
“Okay.” The old woman croaks out a feeble response, smiling. Inwardly I fall apart as I watch them hobble away. That could’ve been Noah and I in fifty or so years. But we also could’ve fallen apart long beforehand, and that’s what I was preventing. It was less painful this way.
Doesn’t feel like it. You made a terrible mistake, my mind hisses. I shove the thought down. I did what I had to do. Noah and I were over, and it was time to move on. Day one.
When my name is called they give me a gown and a room to change. As I remove my clothes and look in the mirror, I wince. My side is bandaged up, bruises all over. I’ve lost so much weight. There’s nothing left but bones. Seeing my broken body reminds me of how I got the flu one time, and Noah came over when my hair was a mess and I smelled like puke. Probably looked like it too. He cleaned me up and said I looked beautiful. Noah always said I looked beautiful, no matter how shitty I looked. Unable to handle it, I shove my face in my hands and start to cry uncontrollably. I want him back, my heart moans.
“Miss McGowan? Are you alright in there?” the nurse’s voice asks.
Get yourself together. The real world is waiting for you out there. No time for sentimental bullcrap. I clear my throat and squeak out a casual, “I’m fine.” I walk out of the room and follow her to the table, laying down gently upon it. I feel so sick, and not in my body.
“This won’t take long,” the nurse promises as I lay down on the table. “Try to relax.”
I don’t know what the word means, but I might as well be a corpse for all I move.
“Looks good,” she says, moving the remote over me. “Nothing appears to be wrong...” She pauses, squinting at the screen.
“What?” I ask, heart clenching. The last thing I need is an emergency operation.
She moves the remote over my abdomen, looking closer. Then a broad smile spreads across her face. “Well congratulations Miss Rosemary. I didn’t know.”
“Didn’t know what?” I ask, completely confused.
“You see that small mass over there?” She asks, pointing. “That’s your...”
The rest of her words are lost as my ears fill with static. No. It’s impossible. I can’t be...yet there it was, curled up inside me like some alien creature.
Not listening, I get up immediately from the table and run to the dressing room, grabbing my clothes and throwing them on. My face is completely pale. I look at my stomach and realize that there’s someone else in there. Someone I want out. I just want to be me. I don’t want to be pregnant, and how can I be? The nurse must’ve made a mistake. We had used a condom. Had it somehow broke? We didn’t check...
Losing my mind, I dart out the hospital doors and out into the sunshine, sliding into my car and flooring it.
I swallow. It isn’t true. Noah and I had only had sex once. He never would’ve done it if I hadn’t of used the kidnapping against him, told him it might make me feel better...Noah...I felt dizzy at the thought of him, and a car honked at me on the highway as I swerved dangerously in front of it. We were done. There was no way in hell he could find out I was pregnant with his baby.
I just barely make visiting hours for the state penitentiary. “Jack McGowan,” I state immediately to the guard, looking directly at him from behind his desk.
“I can’t let you see him unless you’re a relative,” he says, looking up from his paperwork.
“I’m his daughter.”
I go to sit behind the one side of the glass, waiting. The room is white and cold. It holds no warmth for anyone in it. When Jack sees my face behind glass he lights up, but I do not smile. I carry no warmth for him, either.
They uncuff him and he sits down on the other side, picking up the phone. “Rosemary! I’m so glad to see you, I knew you’d-”
“Be quiet,” I tell him. Even though there’s guards all around and the glass is inches thick, I’m still shaking. But I have to be strong. I take a deep breath and ask, “I need to know what happened to you and Mom. The truth.”
His smile falls. “Rosemary, I don’t think you’re ready.”
“If I’m not ready now I never will be. You only have so much time,” I say.
He clears his throat, then says, “Well. Here’s what it is. When we were very young your mother and I became pregnant.”
“Yes, I know that.”
“You don’t know the whole story. When your mother got pregnant, she panicked. She didn’t want you.”
“That’s a lie,” I snarl. “Mom told me I was planned.”
“She didn’t want to hurt you when you asked. I promise, I’m not lying to you. I talked her into carrying you but once you were born she didn’t want anything to do with you. I found out she was cheating on me with Peter while she was pregnant. When the hospital told her she could go she ran off with him and left me with you.”
“It’s not true,” I whisper, tears in my eyes.
“I took care of you for three years until she came back and said she wanted to make it all work. But it didn’t last. She married Peter, for good this time, and when I got in trouble with the law she had to take you in. She didn’t have a choice.”
“My mother loves me!” I scream into the phone. “She wouldn’t do that to me!”
“She didn’t always, Rose, don’t you see? I was always the one who loved you first, right from the start. I know I haven’t been the best father, but I swear to you I’ve always loved you. You’re the light of my life. That’s why I tried to save you from your mother. Because I love you.” There’s tears in his eyes.
My hand shakes as I hold the phone. “I’m sorry Jack. I can’t believe you. I need more proof.” I hang up the phone and stand,
turning to leave.
“Rosemary!” he cries, and he starts pounding on the glass. The guards jump to restrain him and the pounding stops as I walk out the door and to my car.
My head spins as I sit inside the vehicle. Then my hand flies to my cell phone and I dial the number quickly, waiting.
She picks up without hesitation. “What do you need dear?” Mom asks, waiting.
“I need to ask you something and you need to be honest. Did you leave me with Jack for three years while you ran around with Peter, until my father got in trouble and you had to take me?” I’m breathless, tottering on the edge of a cliff.
There’s a silence that lasts an age. “Rosemary...”
“Answer me!”
“...Yes.”
I’m plummeting off the cliff, because my mother has let me fall. There’s a rustle at the end of the line and she says, “Rosemary, that doesn’t mean a thing now. I love you and-”
“Goodbye Mother.” I hang up the phone and throw it down, putting my head on the steering wheel and sobbing. My whole life had been one big lie. Everything I have ever believed about my family wasn’t true. The worst part was that I had allowed that lie to push away the one true thing that I had ever known.
I wipe my face. Is it too late? I have to try. Starting up the car, I turn it in the other direction and drive like hell.
Chapter Seven
I know the sound of that motor a mile away. I put down the wrench and step away from the front of my dad’s car in my garage, ignoring the belt I was supposed to be fixing. Why was she here, to give me back my things? To point out all I had done wrong, to cause me more pain? She was my ex now, nothing more...I wince at the word.
I’m shocked when I put a hand up to cover my eyes from the setting sun to see that, as she steps out of the car, she’s crying. Her voice stutters as she says, “Noah, I made the biggest mistake of my life.”
My body freezes. I can’t believe it. I won’t. It’s too good to be true. This is all just a dream.
“I love you,” she says. “You’re the most important thing to me. Being apart from you made me realize that. I can understand if you don’t want me back, but-”