The Lies That Define Us

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “When you shut down, those feelings of anger and betrayal only grow, eating you alive, but when you allow yourself to be happy, to move on, it heals that part of you that was broken. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a scar there, but it’s no longer a gaping wound.” I tugged my hair over the side of one shoulder, trying to keep it from blowing in every direction.

  He looked back up at the night sky, his breath wheezing through his lips.

  “You speak from experience,” he murmured at the sky. He said the words firmly, with no doubt or question in his tone.

  “Everybody’s been through something,” I responded, picking up a handful of sand and watching it sift through my fingers. A clump of damp sand stuck to my palm and I wiped it on the leg of my sweatpants.

  “Ari?” he broached hesitantly, sitting up and tipping his head in my direction. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for whatever happened to you, and I’m sorry for being such an asshole. Can we start over?” His Adam’s apple bobbed, and he looked at me with uncertainty in his eyes.

  I stared at him, processing what he’d said. Finally, I nodded, just a slow dip of my chin, but you would’ve thought I’d handed him an Oscar the way his face lit up.

  He held his hand out to me. “Liam Wade. It’s nice to meet you.”

  I laughed at his silliness, my cheeks stupidly flushing with warmth. “Ariella Geller.” I put my hand in his. His grip was strong, and when he shook my hand the movement only served to highlight the sinewy muscles lining his arm.

  He sat back then and his eyes returned to the moon and the stars and worlds beyond.

  “You didn’t hit me.” The words were spoken so softly I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly.

  “Huh?” I looked at him with confusion written plainly on my face.

  He still didn’t look away from the sky. “When I kissed you tonight, you didn’t hit me like the first time, and something tells me you didn’t mean to hit me the first time.”

  I turned away, glancing to my left. My hair swept over my shoulder, hiding the profile of my face from his view. I swallowed thickly, unsure how to respond. He was right. I hadn’t meant to hit him the first time. I’d actually been enjoying the kiss, but then, suddenly, it was like I wasn’t there anymore and it wasn’t Liam who was on top of me.

  I couldn’t explain that to him, though. He’d ask me more questions, and I’d either have to lie or say nothing, and I was so sick of doing both. Things would be so much easier if Liam was a dumb surfer who only cared about waves and sex. But Liam was observant. He saw everything even when you thought he saw nothing.

  That made him a threat to me.

  I’d almost made up my mind to ignore his statement and get up and walk back to the house when he spoke again.

  “What would you do if I kissed you again right now?”

  My breath stole from my lungs, and my body slowly moved back toward him.

  Try as I might, I couldn’t stay away from him. I didn’t know what it was about him that was so impossible for me to ignore.

  His lips lifted in a half-smile. “You’re not running, so I take that as a good sign.”

  He scooted closer to me, and his tongue flicked out to wet his lips. I swallowed thickly and my heart pounded like a drum in my ears. Surely he could see it in my throat.

  “Why you?” he whispered, lightly caressing his finger over my cheek and down my throat. “Why are you the one to make me feel again?” His eyes were hooded, and I wasn’t sure if that was from the amount of alcohol in his system or lust.

  I really hoped he wasn’t that drunk. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning and have him act as if he hadn’t confessed all of this to me. Not only for my sake, but for his as well.

  I knew firsthand how much it sucked trying to be something you’re not.

  His jean-covered leg brushed mine, and he slid his hand around my throat to cup the back of my neck. His eyes flickered to my lips and then back up to my eyes. He didn’t move any further, and the look in his eyes told me the ball was in my court.

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat and tried to ignore the beat of my heart.

  Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum. It thudded in my ears, drowning out the sound of the waves crashing against the shore.

  Liam’s shoulders sagged dejectedly, and he started to pull away.

  Panic seized me.

  “No,” I pleaded, placing my hand over his arm, urging him not to let go.

  He froze, the question in his eyes growing.

  I took a deep breath and reached out, sliding my hands over his solid chest covered in a thin cotton shirt. I felt his heart beating madly behind his ribs. Almost as fast as mine.

  My fingers shook as I grasped the collar of his shirt and leaned in closer.

  I’d never kissed a guy before.

  I mean, I’d been kissed, but I’d never been the kisser.

  This was an entirely new experience for me, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

  I knew one thing, though—I liked that he was giving me the choice.

  Not that I hadn’t enjoyed the other two kisses—you know, before I smacked him the first time—but this one, it was going to mean the world to me in a way I could never explain to him. I studied every feature of his face from his dark heavy brows, to his carved cheekbones, and full lips. I even studied the area around us—the sand, the moon, the stars. And I listened closely to the sounds of the night—the chirps of insects, the roar of the ocean, and off in the distance the twinkling of a piano. I wanted to remember everything about the moment because it was a first for me.

  Each second felt like a minute as I leaned in closer.

  Closer.

  Closer.

  Closer.

  I pressed my lips against his. Neither of us moved at first, like we were both memorizing the feel of the other, and then…

  And then it was like a bomb went off.

  The air cracked around us with electricity as the kiss grew in fervor. My fingers locked around the back of his neck, my body pressed fully into his. His hands slid down to my waist where he grasped my hips and pulled me onto his lap. My knees dug into the wet sand, and I felt the fabric of my sweatpants grow damp. The new position gave me more leverage, and I grasped his stubbled cheeks in my hands. I leaned down, deepening the kiss, and unconsciously rolled my hips against his.

  I let out a soft moan that was quickly swallowed by his groan. His fingers tangled in my hair as he held me to him. His tongue swiped against mine, and my nails dug into his arms as I tried desperately to keep myself upright.

  Note to self: Liam Wade’s kisses make you lightheaded.

  I broke the kiss, and his breath fell across my lips. His hands tightened in my hair, holding me in place so he could rest his forehead against mine.

  I closed my eyes and heard him let out a soft chuckle. When I opened them he was full on grinning.

  “Hi,” I said stupidly.

  His smile never wavered. “Hi.” He kissed the end of my nose in a tender gesture I wasn’t prepared for. I’m pretty sure my heart skipped a beat or two.

  He wrapped his arms around me then and held me.

  Just held me.

  And I didn’t realize until that moment how much I needed that. To have someone hold me and feel comfort.

  For the moment, at least, it felt like everything would be okay.

  But I knew I couldn’t let the magic of the night fool me. Daylight would come, and with it the harsh reality that I couldn’t have this.

  I couldn’t get attached.

  I couldn’t.

  I couldn’t.

  I couldn’t.

  I already was.

  Liam

  I told my parents the truth, and my dad promptly smacked me in the back of the head. I deserved it, of course, so I didn’t say anything. He’d then pulled me into a hug, told me he was sorry, and that he understood just how much losing someone you loved could change you.

  After that, the weight on my shoulders ha
d lifted completely. I hadn’t felt that good in a long time, because since I’d spoken the truth out loud, I realized that even before I caught Spencer and Kennedy together I hadn’t been myself. I’d been with someone who was slowly sucking the life out of me. We hadn’t been good together. I knew that, I had accepted that, but once the truth was out I was able to accept the fact that not everyone was like her. I could fall in love again and not have to worry about being cheated on. One situation doesn’t condemn another.

  It’d been a week since that night on the beach, and my parents decided it was time to head back home. I dropped Ari off at work—I hated that damn bike she rode most days—and then headed to the airport with my parents to drop them off. Ollie and I would be taking my dad’s car back to their home in L.A. later.

  I pulled up to the drop-off and felt a touch of sadness coat my insides.

  Seeing them had been good, especially once the air had been cleared. I think both of them had been worried I was mad at them over something, but that was never the case. Yes, I did hate the stigma of my dad’s last name, but I didn’t hate him for it.

  I parked my Jeep and hopped out, grabbing their bags from the back and wheeling them around to the side.

  They took their bags from me and looked at me forlornly.

  I pressed my lips together and shoved my hands awkwardly into the pockets of my jeans. I didn’t know what to say. I’d never been good with goodbyes. I hated the finality of it.

  “Promise you’ll come home and visit before the end of the summer? Everyone misses you.” My mom reached for me, pulling me into her arms. She squeezed me tight, and I felt a tear dampen my shirt. “And we’ll come back for your birthday, okay?” She patted my cheek, looking up at me like she couldn’t believe the fact that I wasn’t a baby anymore. “You’re going to be twenty, Liam. Twenty. When did that happen?” She sniffled.

  I put my hand over hers. “Don’t get sappy on me, Mom.” I grinned down at her.

  She let go and dabbed her eyes. “Let me have my moment, dammit.” She laughed and stepped back so my dad could take her place.

  He pressed his lips together, much the way I had only moments before. “No more radio silence.” He glowered at me, and I had to suppress a laugh. I felt like I was fourteen again being scolded for something stupid.

  “No more,” I vowed with a nod. Glancing at my mom, I added, “I’ll come visit before summer’s over. I promise. Besides,” I shrugged, “I think I owe Willow and Dean an in-person apology. I wasn’t exactly nice to them when they showed up.”

  My dad clapped me on my shoulder. “I’m sure you do.” He chuckled. “I can only imagine how that went down.”

  I winced and shook my head. I’d rather not think about it. I was doing my best to put the past where it belonged—behind me. I was only looking forward and working on rediscovering myself.

  My dad took a deep breath, and his lips twisted. “We’ve gotta go.”

  “I know.”

  I hugged each of them again, holding onto my mom extra tight. I kissed her cheek and waved as they headed inside the airport. I stood by the car, watching them through the glass doors until I could see them no more.

  I hopped in my Jeep and pulled away. I pushed some buttons on the touch screen to call Jeremiah. He answered on the third ring.

  “Sup?” he asked, and I could tell he was yawning.

  “Grab your board and meet me at the beach.”

  “Which one?”

  “You know which one,” I snapped.

  He chuckled. “’Course. Want me to call Brady?”

  “Nah.” I shook my head even though he couldn’t see. I was still pissed at Brady for flirting with Ari at my party. Childish? Hell yeah, but I didn’t give a fuck.

  “He pissed you off good, didn’t he?” Jeremiah laughed.

  I ignored him. “I’ll see you in thirty.”

  “Mhm. See ya.”

  I pushed the button on the touch screen and ended the call.

  I’d had a few competitions earlier in the summer, did pretty well, but I wasn’t where I wanted to be as a professional surfer. I’d qualified back in June for a huge tournament in Hawaii in August. I wanted to win more than anything, but I’d been so distracted that I hadn’t been training like I should’ve been.

  That was changing.

  The past week had given me much-needed clarity. I was focused and ready to conquer the world…or the waves. I’d been doing good, enough to be a professional, but I wanted to be on top. I wanted to be a force to be reckoned with. I wanted the other surfers to take me seriously. At the moment, my ‘colleagues’ still thought of me as a bit of joke, like surfing was just a whim for me and not like salt water ran in my veins like it did theirs. I wanted their respect more than anything, to be honest. While I’d been excited about my sponsorship, other surfers hadn’t been happy for me. I’d seen the comments on social media saying that I’d only gotten it because of who my dad was, which was fucking ridiculous considering my dad’s a rock star not a surfer, but people love to talk smack. I knew I shouldn’t let it bother me, and I wished it didn’t, but I was only human.

  I was going to prove all of them wrong, though. I knew I could do it and I would.

  I followed the gravel drive back to the make-shift parking area. Jeremiah wasn’t there yet, but I didn’t expect him to be.

  I grabbed my bag from the backseat, rifling through it for my wetsuit. I stripped down naked right there, but I wasn’t worried about getting caught. Hardly anyone knew that spot, and those that did were only serious surfers and we were all used to a little nudity now and then.

  Jeremiah’s truck came speeding up the drive just as I fixed the sleeves of my suit into place. Dust from the gravel kicked up, and I waved my hand through the air, trying to disperse it.

  He hopped out of his truck, already in his wetsuit, and grabbed his green surfboard. It was adorned with a skull that had dreads. Very fitting. All it was missing was some glasses.

  “You ready?” He grinned as I fixed the leash around my ankle and then tucked the board under my arm. Mine was plain next to Jeremiah’s. It was white, with a dark blue line going around it, and the company logo in the center.

  “Fuck yes.” My whole body itched with the need to hit the water.

  He grinned and led the way to the water.

  The swells were fucking perfect, and I vibrated with energy.

  When the water lapped at my feet, I couldn’t stop my grin. Every single time, I felt like it was welcoming me home.

  I walked out as far as I could before laying my board in the water and paddling out. I sat up when I reached the perfect spot and Jeremiah stopped beside me.

  “You okay, man?” he asked, his eyes burning a hole in the side of my face.

  “Never been better.”

  “You’re smiling, and it’s weird.”

  I reared my head back and laughed. “I guess you would find that weird.” I glanced over at him. “But get used to it.” I kicked my legs back and forth. “I need to be in my best shape for the tournament next month. You gonna help me?” I raised an eyebrow and tilted my head in question.

  “Hell yes.” He held out his fist to pound it out. “You have this, Wade.”

  I laughed. “I don’t have it yet, but I will.” I narrowed my eyes out at the water. “Wyatt Perry better watch out.”

  Wyatt was probably my biggest rival out on the water. The other guys were good, but the true competition was between us. He was top dog, and I was the newbie trying to prove my worth. He hadn’t liked me from the moment he met me last year. I think he knew then that I was coming for him. The year before I’d still been learning and getting used to the attention and trying so fucking hard to gain some recognition. This year was different. I’d already proven my worth, and all I had to do was show I was there to stay.

  Jeremiah grinned. “Wyatt’s got nothing on you. He’s good, don’t get me wrong, but you can tell he doesn’t love it like you do, and at the end of the day
that’s what matters.”

  I smiled at my friend. “Don’t get sappy on me now.”

  “Nah, of course not.” He chuckled. “Wyatt’s an asshole, though. I’d love to see you knock him down a few pegs.”

  “I need to be out in the water every day training and at the gym too.”

  “You know the guys and I will help you with that.”

  I shook my head. “You guys have your own lives. You don’t need to help me.”

  “Shut up.” Jeremiah shook his head. “You need us and you know it.”

  I did. I knew my friends wouldn’t go easy on me. They’d always pushed me to better myself and all of us were constantly pushing the limits of what we could do. With their help, I knew I could bring something to the tournament that the judges wouldn’t be expecting.

  “Yeah,” I nodded, “you’re right. I do need you guys.” I raised a hand to shield my eyes from the sun.

  “Huh,” Jeremiah mused, “you didn’t argue with me. That’s a first.”

  I shook my head and ignored his comment as I paddled out to catch a wave.

  The first of many.

  ***

  Ari giggled and licked at her top lip, swiping away a drop of vanilla ice cream.

  I shoved a spoonful of my own chocolate ice cream into my mouth, just watching her.

  I didn’t know what we were to each other, but I knew it was more than roommates. The last week she’d opened up a lot. There were no moments where she cowered into herself, and I had a feeling that was because my behavior had been much more mellow. I felt bad for that—that I’d been the cause of distress to her. She also hadn’t had any of her sassy moments, and I kind of missed my Tiger, but the peace between us was worth it. I’d never intended to tell her the truth, but in the spur of the moment it had felt right that she was the first one that I told. Gut instinct told me she knew a thing or two about being hurt by the ones you love.

  “You owe me a truth today.” I leaned across the counter while she sat on one of the stools. She swiveled it back and forth, nibbling on her bottom lip.

  “You go first,” she begged.

  “No,” I shook my head, “you. I always go first.”