by Jaz Primo
Chance’s getaway suggestion quickly returned to the forefront of my mind.
“What’s with bein’ all broody, kiddo?” Paige asked. “Don’t tell me Miss Fashion Statement actually said something that caused you to light a brain cell.”
“What is it with you and Chance?” I asked. “She’s never done or said anything wrong to you that I can recall.”
“Call it intuition. Never liked her; never will,” she said.
“Yeah, well, she’s still my friend, so at least try to be civil.”
“Fine, no more taunting the rich girl from Easy Street,” she said.
It struck me as both weird and slightly sad over how we all walk through life with so many misperceptions about the people around us.
As we continued our walk home, I contemplated that and a host of other things. Although one topic in particular, the prospect of a reflective weekend getaway, loomed heavily in my thoughts.
* * *
One week passed as my research into the history of those who studied blood diseases in early twentieth century Europe continued. I secured three promising obscure texts through interlibrary loan.
All that I needed was the spare time to read through them.
Roman persisted with our daily regimens of combat training, as well as the additional things that Alton wanted me to practice. Fortunately, my classes entered a lull of sorts, or as much of a lull as graduate courses could offer.
The fall season was in full swing, and I reveled in the cooler temperatures and colorful foliage. That more than anything made me pine away for a camping retreat.
But perhaps more than that, I craved time alone. I wanted to contemplate my future with Kat and all the prospects that went with it.
The urge to board the nearest bus bound for anywhere gnawed at me like a powerful obsession.
I steeled my resolve and resisted the temptation, though only barely assuaged by the looming Thanksgiving break that I highly anticipated.
“My Thanksgiving break is coming up in a couple of weeks. Are we going to be able to have everyone over at our home in Georgia?” I asked Kat during one of our rare phone visits.
It felt as if I hadn’t been at our home in Pine Valley, just outside Atlanta, in years as opposed to merely months.
“I’m not sure that’s going to be possible, Caleb,” she replied.
“Well, where then? Here?”
Her lengthy pause wasn’t encouraging.
“It may need to be here in London,” she said. “I’m not sure that we can venture far from things at this time.”
“They don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK,” I said. “Can’t we at least have it here in New Haven.”
“I wouldn’t oppose you spending Thanksgiving in New Haven,” she said. “Although Alton and I may not be able to attend.”
I felt stunned. She knew how important the holidays were for me. It was our special time together.
“I don’t understand this,” I said. “Why must our entire lives revolve around vampire politics?”
“Caleb, there’s much more at stake than politics.”
“You two aren’t the only ones in London, you know,” I said. “You’re supposed to be surrounded by competent people. Or at least that’s what you’ve tried to convince me of in the past. Were you just saying that so I wouldn’t worry?”
“My love, you don’t understand—”
“How am I supposed to understand when you won’t actually tell me anything about what’s really going on there? I mean, seriously, how am I—”
“Caleb.”
I curtailed a further tirade upon hearing the steely tone in her voice.
“What?”
“We can have Thanksgiving here,” she said. “The entire menu can be traditional American cuisine, and I’ll ask Ethan to fly over with you and Paige. You can even invite Roman if you like.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. At least we weren’t cancelling the holiday altogether.
“Sure, I suppose that works,” I said.
In truth, it wasn’t what I would have preferred, but my life had devolved into an endless series of distasteful compromises over recent months.
“There, it’s settled,” she said, her tone lighter. “We’ll chat more soon about the details, though we only have a few days remaining before we need to solidify plans. That will give you time to organize the guest list. Now I have to join Alton for a meeting with some prospective business associates.”
We said our goodbyes pleasantly enough, but I still felt both unsettled and annoyed by the time I hung up the phone.
For a supposed compromise, my prospective Thanksgiving plans still felt like a crappy deal.
It was in that moment that I determined it was time for me to make some decisions about the rest of my life, including the future of my relationship with Kat.
A queasy feeling formed in the pit of my stomach over where those deliberations might lead, and I nearly changed my mind. But my future was worthy of more than just taking the easy route; the path of least resistance was no longer good enough for me.
It occurred to me that there had been a time in the not terribly distant past when that wasn’t necessarily true. Whether due to low self-esteem or the strong desire to be with Kat, it wasn’t that long ago that I would have caved in to nearly any demand.
But circumstances had evolved.
Or, just perhaps, I had evolved.
No matter the reason, the undeniable fact remained that life was too short for me as a human to settle for less.
Chapter 10
Caleb
The next morning, I abruptly awoke in a cold sweat in the middle of a particularly bad dream, convincing me more than ever that my life was too overwhelming for my own good.
There was no way that I could endure yet another day working on my doctoral thesis, or facing endless reading and assessment assignments, much less what felt like a perpetual regimen of extreme sports training combined with mixed martial arts.
Today was a day for self-preservation.
Normally, this would be the point where Kat would divine that something was wrong and she’d take me aside so that we could quietly discuss the matter.
But she wasn’t there.
Worse, I was rarely able to speak to her.
Hell, I was lucky to work in occasional text messages, or the even rarer phone call. Even when we did chat, we felt so removed from each other; she remained steadfastly tight-lipped about what she had been doing.
Her daily life was practically a mystery to me.
It scared me to admit that sometimes it felt as if she and I were growing more distant with each passing week.
I wasn’t so dim to realize that she was probably avoiding such topics because everything she was up to was dangerous. I felt certain she didn’t want me to worry about her, or permit myself to become distracted from my own endeavors.
However, the truth was that, if this was what our lives were relegated to, it seemed like no quality of life at all for either of us.
Hell, all I really wanted was to be with her. But each day that possibility seemed more and more remote, becoming like some sort of daydream.
Sometimes it felt like our relationship was evaporating before us.
A rapid series of heavy knocks on my bedroom door made me jolt upright in bed.
“C’mon lazybones,” Roman demanded. “Outta that rack and down in fifteen minutes or you’ll do laps this evening.”
“Right,” I groaned.
“Hurry it up!”
“Oh, stick it,” I muttered under my breath, throwing the sheet off of me.
The cool air assaulting my sweaty skin sent a shiver through my body.
Although I had formed a strong respect for Roman, in recent months he’d practically morphed from an instructive bodyguard into an insufferable drill sergeant.
I squinted my eyelids shut and grit my teeth.
“This shit really sucks.”
&nbs
p; As I leaned over the bathroom sink and splashed warm water on my face, I momentarily struggled to remember what day of the week it was. Lately, they all felt the same.
Downstairs, Paige was finishing putting on a set of black motorcycle leathers and gloves.
“Where are you headed to?” I asked as she picked up her helmet and a small book bag.
“Some stupid English test,” she said. “My instructor won’t let us take exams online. Something about student identity verification issues or some such crap.”
“Yeah, some instructors don’t like giving online exams,” I said. “There’s a big uproar in the teaching community about the inability to verify a student’s identity online. They want to make sure that the actual student is taking an exam and not somebody standing in for them.”
“Whatever, McLawyer,” she said. “Most of my other teachers don’t seem in an uproar over it.”
“It’s typically at the instructor’s discretion,” I said.
She stared at me with a flat look. “Again, whatever.”
“Caleb, we’d better get started,” Roman prompted.
Paige gave me a knowing look. “Looks like somebody’s late for their workout time.”
I gave her a dirty look as she slipped her helmet on.
Following training and exercises was an all-too-quick breakfast. Then I walked alongside Roman on our trek to the campus.
Our walk was relatively brief, but it was more than enough time to contemplate my circumstances.
As the office building relegated to the history department loomed before us, a crossroads loomed in my mind.
Did I really want to live this daily drudgery for the next few years? Could Kat and I survive our growing distance from each other?
The thought of living like I was for two or three more years turned my stomach. I felt as if I wanted to throw up into the nearest bushes.
“Hey, you okay?” Roman asked.
“What? Yeah, it’s nothing,” I said. “Just tired.”
“Up too late playing video games last night?” he teased.
“If, by video games, you mean writing an essay on the economic conditions in nineteenth century Europe and their influence on scientific advancements, then yeah, maybe I was up too late,” I snapped.
“Research and writing is why you’re here, right?”
It annoyed me that my response didn’t even faze him. That lack of recognition only further aggravated me and heightened the sense of unfairness about my situation.
We entered the building and I headed straight for the elevator.
“Hey, let’s take the stairs. We’ll get some extra leg work that way.”
“Always looking out for me, aren’t you?”
“That’s what I’m here for.”
He followed me upstairs to just outside Professor Gowan’s office to discreetly ensure that everything appeared safe and then he reversed course to head back downstairs.
“Meet me in the lobby when you’re done,” he said.
Before I entered the professor’s office, I hesitated.
My life felt like some macabre connect-the-dots game, and the doorknob before me was the next dot in my day, followed by a host of other linear dots afterward, all leading to…
Monotony.
I felt an immediate urge to turn and run.
To escape.
But then, escape to where?
With a heavy sigh of resignation, I turned the knob and entered.
* * *
Upon the conclusion of my meeting with Dr. Gowan, I was left with a list of further research reading and a lengthy essay assignment.
While I had mostly enjoyed the graduate work for my master’s program, the process of pursuing my PhD seemed like a master’s program on steroids. I contemplated my busy schedule designated for the remainder of the week as I descended the stairs toward where Roman waited for me.
I wanted to chuck it all by the time I reached the first floor landing.
As I reached for the door handle that would take me into the lobby, I once again hesitated, wishing I could do anything but continue my grueling timetable.
Instead, I longingly eyed the door to my right that led directly outside the building.
Fed up with everything, including my seemingly endless routine and obligations, I exited to outside.
As the sunshine hit my face, I felt as if I’d just walked into another world. A veritable wave of infinite possibilities washed over me.
I quickly proceeded toward the parking lot, away from the front of the building and the windows that might give my position away to Roman.
I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but my desire to avoid my grueling fate won out over my sense of obligation or duty.
What duty? I was an overwrought graduate student who also trained as if he was heading either to the Olympics or into the army.
I just needed a break, that’s all. Maybe all I would need was just an hour or so off to myself.
As I walked toward the student union building, a forbidden notion taunted my imagination.
I didn’t just need an hour away; I needed a few days off.
Of course, I knew that probably wouldn’t fly with either Roman or Paige.
I took out my smartphone and texted Kat.
How about an impromptu visit? Maybe a couple of days together?
As I sipped at a hot cup of coffee from one of the café vendors, it took nearly half an hour before Kat replied.
So sorry, Caleb. Important activities to address. Maybe in a few weeks?
I closed my eyes and cursed under my breath.
Sure, I texted.
Sorry to disappoint you. Love you.
I texted, Love you, too.
It appeared that there would be no respite for me—for us—after all.
To be honest, it made me angry.
Once again, I wondered if I wanted to keep this up for weeks or months on end.
Despite the obvious luxuries of my accommodations—including no worries for expenses such as room and board or tuition, coupled with the opportunity that going to Yale afforded me—it certainly didn’t feel like I was living a lifestyle of enviable quality.
Or at least the expected sacrifices felt like too much of a price to pay.
Somehow, being poorer but happier sounded better to me. I’d lived a modest lifestyle for most of my life, and yet it had been some of the most satisfying occasions in my life. Before Kat, I had lived a relatively fulfilling life devoid of vampire politics, hectic schedules, or people trying to kill me.
Granted, it had also been a life without Kat in it.
Although she didn’t exactly feel like part of my life, either recently or at that moment.
What if this was as good as things would be between us for a while? Was it enough for me?
I took a sip of what had turned into very tepid coffee.
Despite my circumstances, the fact remained that I needed a break.
I need to contemplate things…my life…my future.
That’s when a decision settled in my mind, and I rose from my seat with a renewed sense of purpose.
I practically jogged back to the house, entering through the front door and hearing complete silence.
It was a soothing sound.
As I closed the front door behind me and looked toward the nearby staircase, much to my surprise, my sense of determination hadn’t waned.
I took the stairs two at a time, almost giddy with a mix of apprehension and excitement. As I entered my bedroom, I dropped my backpack onto the bed and unloaded most everything from it.
I had a plan.
However, how I proceeded during the ensuing minutes would determine my hasty plan’s success or failure.
I realized that I couldn’t use my credit cards or other electronic payment methods; they’d track me down in no time. Instead, I retrieved a stash of cash that I had stored in my chest of drawers and hastily crammed three pairs of jeans, some trendy t-shirts, a spare pair
of sneakers, and a few days’ worth of underclothes into my backpack.
Scanning my belongings, I realized I’d have to leave my electronic devices behind or they’d track their usage. It was already bad enough I had a locator chip implanted in my shoulder. I felt a little bit like a tagged animal.
But I only had to exceed range of the detection equipment to drop off that particular radar.
The problem was staying ahead of it.
Granted, they’d probably still locate me in a matter of days, but that’s all I needed; just a few precious days to clear my head and gather my thoughts.
I glanced forlornly at my iPad on the table.
I’d miss it.
Nevertheless, I grabbed my Kindle and two iPods that were loaded with movies and music. As long as I kept their wireless functionality turned off, they couldn’t be tracked. Like my smartphone, my iPad had built-in cellular functionality, presenting the risk of being tracked.
There was little doubt that I was addicted to consumer electronics and their contributions to daily escapism in my life.
Hell, the entire human race was addicted.
It dawned on me that technology served as both the ultimate babysitter and an emotional pacifier.
I hurried into the bathroom to toss additional necessities into my backpack. I glanced up into the mirror at my reflection, noting the haunted look in my eyes.
The renewed urge to leave welled up inside me; though a wave of guilt washed over me over how upset the people who loved and cared about me were going to feel.
Then I almost lost my nerve.
But I knew deep down inside that getting away was exactly what I needed at that moment.
Just a few days of contemplation and solitude.
God, Kat’s going kill me for this.
Hopefully not literally.
I swallowed hard and steeled my resolve.
It’s not like it was forever.
Was it?
While I felt unnerved, I also felt liberated.
I’ve gotta clear my head. I’m no good to anyone like this.
Zipping my backpack shut, I hurried downstairs.