by Amber Moon
They were beginning to crowd her mind and she would have to unravel each one in turn.
This happened to her once before years ago and she nearly broke down as the feelings of despair and disappointment came with the pictures that floated through her conscience.
Olivia had to make some acknowledgements that were not complimentary nor pleasant. She had to walk in her shadow. She was in her shadow now.
Carl Jung talked about the shadow, a lot.
Olivia remembered that somewhere she read that the shadow is the other side of us, the dark side.
It can hold all the things we deem to be wrong that we have done in our lives, that we try not to remember and are not proud of.
It can contain our blackest thoughts, the things we have done that we wish we had done differently and most times we try to ignore it.
Well Olivia could not ignore the fact that she was on a plane going to America with two men who she placed in her shadow and who she never expected to see again.
The day Olivia was going to tell Doug that she would leave her children for him, he dumped her.
Olivia thought her world had ended.
She drank a bottle of whisky that night and when she couldn't get out of bed the next day she said she was coming down with the flu.
The bedroom stank of alcohol fumes and she wasn't fooling anybody.
She spent the next two days in bed haunted by Doug's words.
She never wanted to get up again. She just wanted to die. She wanted the pain to stop.
This man had pulled the rug from under her and she landed with a big bang back into the real world.
Doug's speech came without warning, there were no signs and she realised what a bastard he really was.
In the following weeks Olivia slowly rejoined the world.
Olivia began to rebuild a life without Doug in her mind. She felt so used and abused.
Her friend Brenda listened, nodded and smiled at the appropriate places and made many cups of tea.
Olivia talked of Doug constantly as she tried to come to terms with the fact that it was now over.
Brenda was a true friend who knew Doug and his family. She trusted Brenda. Brenda thought, “Who wouldn't love Doug?”
This man was good looking ,successful and could charm the hind legs off a donkey. He could make a girl feel special just by a look.
Brenda had her thoughts and feelings about Doug
Brenda never shared those thoughts, or those feelings with Olivia.
Olivia accompanied Brenda to the Gala committee meeting as she needed votes to get her into the group.
It was the least Olivia could do after all the support her friend gave her. She saw Doug at the table on the stage and placed herself behind a rather large man so as not to be seen.
Just before the end of the meeting when people were getting coffee Olivia made her excuses and left.
She began to run over the events of the evening and suddenly felt a perceptive twinge.
She saw how Doug looked at Brenda.
Olivia knew that look very well, she had seen it many times in the early days when Doug looked at her.
Brenda did talk about Doug rather a lot.
Olivia now began to wonder why.
She made a mental note to mention this to Brenda next time they met.
Olivia did not always listen to her instincts, probably because they told her things that she didn't want to hear.
Her gut was whispering to her now.
By the time she arrived home all thoughts of Doug and Brenda were forgotten and dismissed as foolish thinking.
It wasn't long after that Olivia came out of work to find Doug standing by her car, waiting.
Panic set in as she walked towards him. He looked handsome as ever in his navy blazer and hair blowing slightly in the breeze.
She noticed he looked nervous and she resolved not to be taken in by any of his words, not again.
She could not bear to be hurt again, her heart would not stand it. As she reached the car Doug looked at her giving a rather self conscious, half smile.
“Can we talk, please?” he asked.
“I don't think we have got anything to talk about” was the curt reply.
“Olivia, please,” he pleaded.
Olivia thought her heart was about to burst, it was racing and she really didn't want to hear what he had to say, not after she had witnessed how Doug looked at Brenda the night of the meeting.
“Fine, get in,” she said as she opened the car door and sat in the driver's seat.
An awkward moment passed and Doug began, “ I am so sorry, I can't find the words. I made a silly mistake and did a stupid thing the day I said it was over. It can never be over for me. You mean too much to me. I love you Olivia. I was just under so much pressure”
Olivia did not look at him, she watched a pigeon fly past as he carried on speaking.
Doug finished by saying, “It might be over for you but it will never be over for me.”
She smiled as Doug probably didn't realise that he had just recited the words from a Timi Yuro song.
Keeping her face straight and in a low tone she said, “That day, that awful afternoon I was about to tell you, that yes I would leave everything behind for you.”
Doug looked shocked, “I didn't know that.”
“Well why would you? You said your piece and got out of the car. You practically ran back to your office,” she said. “So what are you saying now, you're sorry? Well fine, I accept your apology and I need to go.”
Doug put his hand out to her, “Olivia please don't go, I need to talk to you. Properly now.”
Olivia and Doug began to see each other again, the passion between them better than before.
She never admitted to Doug just how bad things were after that awful afternoon.
She had never stopped thinking about him and spent many hours looking out of her office window hoping to see him.
She never told him anything and very soon, she was tripping the light fantastic, head over heels in love with him, again.
A few weeks later Olivia caught Brenda off her guard whilst they were drinking coffee in Morrison's café.
Brenda was again going on and on about the committee, the meetings and Doug.
Olivia watched her as she said, “You fancy him don't you!” It was more a statement than a question.
Olivia watched as Brenda's face turned a hot shade of crimson before she replied, “ No I don't, that is an awful thing to say. I know how much he means to you, he is yours”.
Olivia laughed, “I thought he was but lately I think not”.
Brenda sipped her coffee hoping that Olivia would shut up.
Olivia continued, “I think we might be having a weekend away in the autumn. Just imagine waking up next to him? Spending a whole two nights with him. I am really excited. I love making love in the morning, don't you? Just when you are still in that half sleep and relaxed state. You know what I mean don't you?”
Olivia was grinning at the thought and Brenda looked away.
Brenda did not reply.
She could not get Doug out of her mind these days.
Flirting every time they met was a pattern of behaviour they had fallen into.
The last time she left Doug at the village hall, his lips touched hers in a 'bye' kiss and she felt the surge of blood rush round her body as the tip of his tongue touched her bottom lip.
Olivia was right, Brenda more than liked him.
Brenda wanted him.
Brenda looked up and met Olivia's eyes staring at her intently. She felt uncomfortable under the stare that looked into her soul.
Surely Olivia could not see what she was thinking?
The summer passed quickly and soon Olivia began to think about her weekend away with Doug.
It was difficult to meet during the summer months as the children were home from school.
They called each other a few times and even managed a few visits to the boa
t. She remembered that they didn't stay long. They used the time to catch up on some overdue passion.
One sunny evening, on the way home from the boat, Olivia surprised Doug with a question. “Do you see much of Brenda these days?”
Doug responded and sounded on the defensive, “Why should I? Why ask me that? No!”
Olivia continued, “Well, she talks about you all the time. I think she fancies you”.
Perhaps Olivia should have asked him this at the boat because now she could not look at his face as she was driving.
The silence in the car was broken by Doug saying, “Funny though that you should say that, as she has rung me a few times. She flirts with me but I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole. You know I only have eyes for you. She is not a patch on you. Nowhere near.”
Olivia accepted the answer and wondered if she was being a little touchy as it was nearly menstrual time.
She knew that she had to trust him. She had to believe what was said or what would be the point of being with him.
They didn't speak much for the rest of the journey and Olivia began to wish that she had kept her mouth shut.
The morning arrived when Olivia drove her husband to the airport.
She returned to the house, to her month of freedom.
It was the weekend and she couldn't ring Doug, she would have to wait till the weekend was over.
Olivia spent her time cleaning the house, singing all the while and dreaming of her weekend away with the man of her dreams.
Olivia was in town shopping when she stepped into the red phone box and dialled Doug's works number.
A woman answered and told Olivia that Doug was out; she would have to call back later.
It wasn't a problem as Olivia needed to shop, she had plenty to do.
After an hour in the travel agents pricing up romantic weekend breaks, Olivia walked into Clayden's, an expensive lingerie shop under the wool exchange.
No way was she taking old underwear with her on her two days with Doug. She had waited too long for this and everything had to be perfect.
Olivia was a hopeless romantic.
She came out onto the pavement an hour later, laden with bags and boxes, wondering how she would explain her overspend.
She laughed and realised she could tell her husband the expensive bra and pants sets were to welcome him home.
It was the first thing he did when he returned from his trips. He bedded her with such lust and urgency that it took her breath away.
She always wondered why they couldn't just sit, chat and have a cup of tea first.
Little did she know that it was 'guilt love' as he also bedded a few willing wenches every time he went away.
Back in the phone booth Olivia rang Doug again. The woman answered again.
“Who is she?” Olivia thought, as Doug always answered his own phone. It seemed a bit strange.
The woman asked her to wait, she was gone awhile before returning to say, “I am sorry but Doug is in a meeting now. Can I take a message?”
Olivia was baffled by the disappearance of Doug as he always came and spoke to her.
“No, no, it's all right, I will catch up with him later,” she said.
Olivia felt unsettled, she always had a plan and found it hard to be patient when it came to organising things. She was a doer.
She sat alone that night on her large leather sofa, making excuses for Doug not ringing her back.
Olivia always made excuses for people and deduced that Doug was too busy working hard so he could take the days needed for their romantic trip.
That was it! He was clearing space in his diary.
Two more days passed before Doug picked the phone up.
Olivia said, “Well he has gone and won't be back until October, we can go away now as planned.”
She continued chatting and not stopping for breath, until she realised that it was too quiet at the other end of the phone.
“Doug are you still there?” she asked.
She heard him say, “I'm here”. There was something in his tone that unsettled her. She didn't know what to say.
An awkward silence passed between them and Olivia became aware of a small seed of panic beginning to flower in her stomach.
“Doug, is everything all right?” she asked in a scared little girl voice.
His voice sounding cold and clipped he answered, “No, I won't be able to spend the weekend with you and not sure when I will be free. I have to go now. I am too busy to be bothered at work.”
Before Olivia could say anything Doug put the phone down without even a goodbye. Olivia looked at the receiver before replacing it.
She was in shock and could not comprehend what had just happened.
The man she had just spoken to did not sound like her Doug, the man she loved for over a year.
Stunned she walked to her car. Had she just been given the brush off?
“The bastard, he has played with me all along. How could he speak to me like that?”
Her good angel voice answered the comment, “No he is just too busy with work stuff. It will be fine, he will call tonight”. Doug never called again.
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
Olivia looked up to see Shaun looking down at her. “Is everything all right?” Olivia nodded, holding the tears back.
The flash back was more than she could bear and she could not speak.
“Are you sure? Did that man I saw you talking with upset you? Would you like another drink?” Shaun asked.
Olivia nodded. She looked ahead and saw Doug and George a few seats in front with their heads bent deep in conversation.
Olivia had not seen Doug for over twenty years and now he was on the same plane as her.
He would not know that she knew why he dumped her.
It was four years after Doug put the phone down that she found out what really happened.
Out of the blue Olivia received a phone call from an old family friend who lived near Doug. “Hello Molly, what's up?” Olivia asked.
Molly replied, “Nothing really, have you heard from Doug recently?”
“Why would I? That bastard disappeared years ago.
Molly continued, “I need to tell you something and you need to listen. Perhaps it's not good to come over here for a while. I know you like to shop at Enterprise 6.”
Intrigued Olivia asked, “Why what has happened?”
Molly went on to say that Doug and his wife Mary had split up. She didn't know the full story but Mary's best friend told Molly that Mary knew about her and Doug's affair.
Molly couldn't tell her any more but warned Olivia to be careful for a while and lay low.
They both chatted for a while, caught up with each other's lives and promised to meet soon for a drink, knowing that they probably wouldn't.
Olivia sat for a while absolutely stunned by the news.
Four years, it was four years ago, why surface now?
She laughed, “So he did it, I wonder who the lucky woman was?”
The next day Olivia drove over to Brenda's, she would know. Curiosity got the better of Olivia, she needed the full story.
Olivia had not seen Brenda in four years either.
Brenda was pleased to see Olivia and they chatted for a while about life and what they had been doing since they last met.
Brenda finished her coffee and returned to her task of trimming the Christmas tree when Olivia said, “I hear that Doug and Mary have split up. A little bird tells me that Mary knows about me”.
It didn't take much for Brenda to gossip, Olivia knew this and sat back to listen.
Brenda told Olivia that Mary told Doug that she was leaving him. She was having an affair with a man from the village and was moving in with him.
Doug went nuts, he was so angry and he told her about every woman he had been with, including Olivia and Mary's youngest sister.
He really did the full 'monty' and wanted to hurt her.
Mary left him that night, she
was in bits.
Olivia was finding it all hard to take in.
Why could he not have left her off his list of women?
So, he was a betrayer as well as everything else she had called him four years ago.
“So where is he then, now? Has he moved in with Gerry?”
Brenda looked across at Olivia asking, “Whose Gerry?”
Olivia shook her head, “Never mind,” she said, “it isn't important”.
Brenda carried on with what she was doing and Olivia sat in silence coming to terms with the news of Doug's messy split.
Brenda broke the silence by saying, “ For a moment there I thought you heard about me and that is why you came”.
Olivia came out of her thought cave and said, “What do you mean?”
The veil slowly lifted as Olivia said, “Oh no, Brenda, you aren't having an affair are you? You aren't cheating on Steve? He is so lovely. No way!”.
Brenda stopped what she was doing and looked down at the bauble in her hand . She did not move. She was frozen in embarrassment.
The veil lifted some more as something dawned and Olivia hoped that she was wrong.
In sheer horror Olivia slowly said, “Oh no, not you? You went with Doug didn't you? How could you? You were there right through my affair with him. How could you do that to a friend?”
Olivia didn't know whether to cry or get up and hit Brenda. She felt sick to her stomach.
“I was right, all those years ago when I asked you if you fancied him and you lied to me. Wasn't I right? I knew. I knew it”.
Brenda did not move, she was like a frozen statue across the room.
Olivia had not finished, “So when was this? I know, oh my God I know now why he was so cold to me, why we didn't go on that weekend. He was already seeing you wasn't he?”
The thought of Doug kissing Brenda, touching Brenda was just too much to bear.
“Did you sleep with him? Did you?” Olivia shouted.
Olivia stood up as Brenda looked at her, “That I am not telling you. All I will say though is that you came between us.”
“Wow that is some consolation then?” Olivia threw back over her shoulder as she made for the door.
She could not breath, she had to get out, away from this woman who had betrayed her, or she would not be responsible for her actions.