by Rachel Cross
He kissed her forehead and continued stroking her back.
“You need to tell Emma about the abuse. Of your mother, of you. She won’t be able to make a good decision regarding her relationship with her father until she knows at least some of the truth — about him and his violence. It’s only fair that she know what she’s dealing with. She may choose not to believe you, initially.”
A moan escaped her. She pulled away to sit cross-legged in front of him, holding his hands tightly.
“But I think given your relationship, she’ll come around. She probably doesn’t know who to believe. I’m sure she’s desperate for a relationship with her father, not surprising in light of what you’ve both been through. Have a little faith in her. He’ll show his true colors sooner or later. You said he borrowed money?”
“Yeah. Twenty thousand. Borrowed? We’ll never see it again.” Kate took a deep breath. “I was trying to protect her. I should have told her when Matt contacted me. She might have believed me then. But I was so afraid — ”
“Of?”
“I’m afraid she’ll find out about the rape. I couldn’t handle knowing that, there’s no way she could. It would destroy her.”
“She doesn’t need to know about the rape.” He tugged at her hair. “Something addicts learn in recovery is to make amends to people they have harmed. I’m kind of an expert in this area. When you make amends, you have to show common sense. If making amends creates further harm, skip it. The rape is a part of a bigger truth. He’s abusive, has a criminal record, he’s a thief and a con-man. That’s the part you share. Send her the documents. But, yeah, don’t let her know about the rape.”
Kate took a deep shuddering breath. “Okay. I’m going to burn the police report. If anything happens to me, she won’t ever have to know.”
“Good. Burn it.”
“What if she won’t listen? Alec, she’s so stubborn.”
“She’s going to be right here in Cielito. We’ll watch out for her. You’ll work on her Kate. She’ll listen, eventually.”
“God, Alec.” She looked up at the ceiling, jaw clenched. “I hate like hell to lay all this on you — ”
Something akin to despair flashed in his eyes. “Kate. You have to know that I want to help. You have to know how much I care about you.”
She looked down at her fingers, plucking at the bed sheet. He put a finger under her chin and gently lifted face to meet his.
“I am so sorry I hurt you. Left you there … at that party. I’m still such a fuckup. God, I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” He cleared his throat.
Kate’s lips twisted. “I just don’t get it. Why did you leave? How could you do that … after … after.”
“I was freaking out. I kept losing control. I don’t lose control. Not anymore. After what happened at that party, I … didn’t know what to say. I was afraid to face you.”
Kate frowned, searching his penitent blue gaze. “But Alec, I was … into that.”
He cocked his head. “You were?”
Heat crept up her neck and flooded her face. She watched her fingers play with the sheet. “For Pete’s sake, Alec. Couldn’t you tell?”
He groaned. “I thought you’d be mad. Or hate me. And as soon as I walked back to the party, there were people in the living room … using.”
“Oh, yeah, I saw them.”
“I was tempted, really tempted for the first time in a long while. I was afraid I’d freaked you out with my jealousy and then what happened in that room, and, well, I ran. I ran to a meeting. Then I ran to Dave, then finally, I got some clarity talking with my sponsor. I came to Cielito to try to make amends.”
“I still can’t believe you left. And then there was that letter.”
Alec looked at the ceiling. “I know. I’m so sorry, Kate. That whole weekend was freaking me out. I was jealous of Butler, of — .”
She frowned. “You were jealous of that old man?”
He laughed, ruefully. “That old man only sleeps with twenty-somethings, Kate. But yes, I was jealous of Butler. And of Asher. Especially Asher. Jealous and angry that he got to spend the day with you. He sent me a picture of you looking — ”
“He sent you a picture of me?”
“Yeah.”
Kate shook her head. “I don’t remember a picture.”
“Did he tell you I told him to leave you alone?”
She drew back. “What?”
“I told him not to take you to lunch. I insisted on it. Typical Asher. Does what he wants, when he wants. Not that he’s selfish. He’s just —
“Oh, I know what he’s like. I thought since you were friends, I mean, I would never — ”
“No, I know. I know you wouldn’t. My emotions have been … uh … extreme since I met you, Kate. The jealousy, the sex, people using drugs at that party, I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
Kate stiffened at his words.
“And apparently I’m not good at dealing with my feelings, particularly where you’re concerned, Kate. So I behaved badly.”
“And stupidly,” said Kate.
“Yes, stupidly.”
Kate smiled sadly at him. “I guess I can understand that.”
“Will you give me another chance?”
She gnawed her lower lip, meeting his sincere blue gaze, shyly. Her heart felt like it might come out of her chest it was thundering so wildly. “Do you think you can stop bailing on me?”
“Yes.” He took her hands in his and drew a deep breath. “I love you, Kate.”
Her breath caught. He loved her. Joy surged through her with an intensity that left her lightheaded.
Reaching for her hand, he continued, “I know my timing sucks but — ”
“I love you too, Alec. God knows I’ve tried not to, but — ”
He pulled her into his arms, silencing her with a tender kiss. He kissed her cheeks, her brow, her lips again.
“I have so much to sort out. Work, Emma, my dad … with everything that’s been happening.” She looked up at him. “It’s bad enough your family is awful, and that you have to deal with the messes your clients make.” She took a deep hiccoughing breath. “I don’t want you to deal with my messes too.”
He cupped her face with his strong hands. “I want to deal with your messes. It’s a privilege.”
She giggled. How had this gone from the worst day of her life to the best? A pang of guilt about Emma dampened her joy.
She kissed him then and he relaxed against her. When she leaned away, he spread his hands out in front of him and shifted restlessly against the headboard, clearly uncomfortable.
“Look, I’m not a good bet. I’m an old, washed-up, twice-divorced, ex-guitarist addict who flamed out years ago. I don’t know how to do normal. I really don’t. I went from alcoholic to workaholic.” He took a breath, watching her carefully. “I haven’t had a healthy relationship with a woman, in, well, a long time. Truth be told, I’m not sure I ever have. But I’m willing to do whatever it takes to figure it out and make it good with you, and I promise not to run off again.”
His jaw clenched. She could see how difficult this was for him. Her heart expanded.
“Look at you.” His gaze burned into hers. “Young, innocent. God. So innocent.”
“Not so much,” she mumbled.
His eyebrows arched but he didn’t rise to her bait.
“Young,” he insisted and gave a humorless laugh. “Something I have never, ever had an issue with before.”
He continued, doggedly, “You’re so beautiful, it makes my insides ache, and that’s not even why I’m so crazy about you — you risked your life for a complete stranger — ”
Kate snorted. “So did you.”
He gave her that sexy half-grin she loved so much. “Maybe I was
just angling to meet you.”
Sobering, he continued, “You took care of your dying mother, raised your sister, even your freaking profession is helping people.”
She shook her head and let out an incredulous laugh. “It’s funny how you see me, Alec. I’m nothing but a big chicken. Once we helped that surfer, I realized that at some point after I lost my mom — and finding out the truth about my dad — I stopped taking risks, emotional risks. I backed out of relationships that were getting serious.” She took a deep breath. “I’ve been operating from a place of fear for so long.” She gulped. “But … I’m not afraid to take a chance with you.” Her eyes filled again.
He leaned forward to embrace her. “Kate, I’m not going to hurt you. Together, we can figure all of this out.” He kissed her gently and it ended on her sob. Long shudders wracked his tall body. Lifting his head up with fingers threaded through his thick hair, she brought his mouth to hers, fiercely, deepening the kiss.
What started as loving comfort raged into an inferno as their mouths met, lips, teeth and tongues tangling. Closer, more, harder. His body, taut with tension, pressed against her. His large warm hands swept down, yanking her hips to his. He laid back, until they were reclined, side by side.
Her hands drifted down to the hard muscles in his shoulders, chest, the ridges of his abdomen, relishing the satiny feel of his hot, bare skin. Her trembling fingers unsnapped the button on his cargo shorts. The sound of the zipper the only sound in the room. He raised his hips and she shoved off shorts and black cotton boxer-briefs, pushing as far as she could, then bringing up a foot to shove them the rest of the way down. He flinched away from her knee, with a choked laugh.
Flipping her on her back, he made short work of the t-shirt. He leaned back, his eyes worshipping her body.
“Alec. Please.”
With a wicked grin, he moved forward, until his mouth was on her breast. His warm, slick tongue tortured first one nipple, then the other. Her hands, tangled through his hair, held him to her for a moment then, insistently, moved his head up to hers. He groaned into her mouth as their naked, hot, flesh met from chest to thigh. Finally. How she had missed the feel of his body.
“God, how I love you, Kate,” he muttered, staring down at her, blue eyes heavy-lidded with desire. His lips brushed her cheeks, her forehead. She groaned with impatience, bucking against him.
“I love you too, now show me.” Unbearably aroused, she ached for him. Wrapping her legs around his hips, she pulled him down, bringing his hot, thick arousal against her slick, wet entrance. He shuddered, slowly working his way into her. She gasped, tensing as the pressure built, as his hot thick, flesh pushed still further, almost uncomfortably full of him.
Opening her eyes, she met his intense blue gaze. He waited, fully seated, giving her time to accustom herself to his girth. Her hips moved restlessly as her tongue licked into his mouth.
“Don’t be gentle,” she murmured, huskily. “Be quick.”
He gave a short, pained laugh. Groaning her name, arms on either side of her he kept a slow, tortuous pace. Withdrawing, then fitting himself back inside her. She grabbed his iron hips, desperate, mindless, gasping.
“Please, Alec,” she cried.
He increased the tempo, his warm damp body now held up by shaking arms. With a strangled sound, he thrust into her one final time, sending both of them sailing over the edge to fulfillment, into oblivion. He rolled off, tucking her against his still trembling body, he reached an arm down to pull the covers up. She burrowed into his warmth, and slept dreamlessly.
• • •
He must’ve dozed too, holding her in his arms. Alec slowly rose to consciousness, a niggling thought at the back of his mind. What had she said earlier? That she was operating from a place of fear? Why did that sound so familiar? Maybe because she had described what he had been doing with his emotional and professional life for the past few years. He tilted his head, staring at her.
“What?” she asked, sleepily stirring.
“You awake?”
“Barely.” She yawned and stretched, drawing back so she could see his expression. “What’s that look for?”
“What you said about taking risks … my music … ”
“Yeah. So do you think playing professionally will lead you back into drugs and alcohol?”
He stared into her knowing green eyes. “I don’t know.”
“Well, Alec, you could just keep playing for yourself, the way you have been.”
“Wait. What?” he interrupted, frowning.
She pulled up his left hand in answer. He made a fist reflexively which she gently unfurled, kissing each fingertip.
He stared at her, motionless. “You know.”
“Since that day we kissed in the alley.”
He jerked back to look more closely at her. “And you never said anything?”
She shook her head. “I figured you didn’t want anyone to know. You sure denied it enough.”
“You noticed calluses?” He couldn’t believe it. Even the musicians he represented hadn’t noticed.
She shrugged. “Nurses are observant about stuff like that, plus your fingertips are rough on that hand when you,” she paused and her smile turned wicked, “touch me.”
“But you never said anything.”
“I didn’t want you to have to lie.”
“I wouldn’t … ”
“How long have you been at it?”
“I never stopped,” he admitted.
Her eyes widened. “You must have written quite a lot.”
He nodded.
“Years of material?”
“Almost ten years.”
“Alec,” she gasped.
“Songs no one has heard.” He laughed. “Probably crap.”
She sat up and bounced in the bed.
He laughed and sat up, guiding her into his arms. “And for the last few weeks every damn one of them a love song,” he whispered.
Her arms went around his neck and held tight. She kissed him, a long, deep kiss. His hands slid up her naked back and she shuddered. It was a long while before they made it out of the bed.
• • •
Kate stared sadly into her lover’s refrigerator. A wrinkled lemon, a jar of pickles and a bottle of ketchup were the only items. With a sigh, she closed the door and opened the pantry. A few canned goods. Nothing appetizing. Alec had next to nothing to eat in his house and she was ravenous. The doorbell rang. Kate frowned. Should she put on clothes? This t-shirt was hardly decent. Moments later, Alec returned to the kitchen with a bag of food.
“I ordered Thai while you were showering.”
She grinned. “Ah, excellent.”
He dropped off the bag in the kitchen where Kate was getting out plates.
“I’ll be right back,” he said, disappearing down the hallway.
He returned a few minutes later holding a long, slim, blue box in one hand. Tiffany blue.
She cocked her head and frowned. “Alec — ”
“I bought this in New York.”
Taking it from him, she gave it a cautious shake.
“I’ve been meaning to give it to you. I wanted to give it to you in Los Angeles, but it was shipped here.”
She took the lid off and peered inside. The tears came without warning. One moment she was smiling, the next sobbing. He picked her up from the chair and carried her and the box into the living room and sat with her on the sectional.
“I’m sorry, Kate. Is it bad timing? With everything that is going on with Emma — ”
“No.” She kissed him, her tears giving the kiss a salty flavor.
She pulled it out slowly by its chain, staring at the small gold, heart shaped locket in awe.
“I got the sturdiest chain,
with a reinforced clasp, but all the same, I don’t want you making water rescues in it. Agreed?”
Kate smiled and opened the locket. On one side there was a picture of her mother, laughing. It had been taken before her mother was diagnosed, laughing at Diana, no doubt. The other held a tiny black and white picture of Emma. Emma at five, a precocious five. Alec helped her put it on.
“Emma gave me the pictures. She mailed them a while ago. She didn’t want a baby picture in there so — ”
“What’s this engraved on the back?” She examined the tiny script. “Numquam perit amor.” She looked up at him. “Am I saying that right?”
He shifted beneath her, holding her gaze. “I don’t know. It’s Latin. It means ‘love never dies.’”
She buried her face in his neck. Trying so desperately to hold back tears, her body convulsed.
“It’s okay, Kate. Let it go.”
When she was finally able to speak, she whispered, “Thank you, love.”
• • •
A few hours later, Alec watched Kate eat re-heated Thai food at the kitchen table.
“So tell me more about your music plans,” she insisted, forking in a mouthful of shrimp Panang.
He smiled and shrugged. “Dunno. A lot has changed in ten years. I’ve got people I’d like to work with. I’ll see if they’re available. It’ll take some time.”
He had to force himself to say the words. He had seen too many relationships wrecked on the rocky shores of a demanding musical career. Far too many. “There are a lot of hardships in a relationship with a working musician, Kate.”
Her eyes sparkled with excitement. “The travel?”
He pressed his lips together. “Lots and lots of travel, once you’re promoting something.” She laughed. “Think of something else, Alec, because to someone who has never been anywhere, getting to travel is not a drawback.”
“The odd hours,” he said slowly. “Nights?”
This time they both laughed.
“Expensive hotels?” she asked.
“Take out or room service every day.”
“Watching my boyfriend play live?” She grinned and shoveled in a mouthful of shrimp, vegetables and rice.