by Rachel Cross
He stood, holding up the sheaf of papers, in a hand that trembled.
“Is this how he did it?”
Maddy was close enough to see her mother’s bank logo on the front of the top piece of paper. He watched her closely. Despite the mounting evidence, he’d held on to a frisson of hope. But there it was, a damning flash of guilt across her face before she looked away.
Something tore inside, a physical pain accompanied the evisceration of his heart. He’d actually fallen in love with her, he realized with dawning horror. He’d always been so careful not to get too deeply involved. Not to lose himself in a woman, not to trust like that. And now that he had, she would cost him everything. Disbelief and pain were morphing back into fury. God knew what showed on his face, but inside searing rage raced through him.
She held up a hand, beseechingly.
“How could you do this to me? To Ella?” he gritted.
“Asher, your dad contacted me but — ”
“Oh I know,” he replied, in a voice so bitter he barely recognized it as his own, “an emergency custody hearing has been scheduled. My attorney tells me you’ve been busy keeping my father up to date with all my failings. Sterling knows all of it, and he’ll leverage it to take custody from me. You … you … deceitful bitch,” he heard her gasp, but continued, raggedly, “you know how hard I tried — ” his voice broke and he turned away.
He was really losing it, on the cusp of throwing shit around again.
He heard her behind him, too close.
“Asher, that’s not what — I didn’t. That is, he asked, but … if you would just listen — ”
He whirled, “We’ll all get to listen to you, in court. Get out of my house.”
She shrank from the expression on his face. With a small sound, she turned on her heel and fled the room. He heard the front door shut moments later.
God help him. She knew everything. He had told her things he had never shared with another soul, his feelings of betrayal and anger mixed with regret about his relationship with Dee. She knew him. She knew his history. Why did she do it? Money? She wouldn’t put Ella’s welfare aside because of blackmail. Not her.
He tamped down the voice that told him he should have helped her mother. His investigation had turned up her mother’s straitened circumstances. But he hadn’t wanted the awkwardness that accompanied such a gift to cause a rift or some perceived imbalance in their status. He’d gifted people with money over the years, and it always put a strain on the relationship. The last thing he wanted from Maddy was gratitude; she had enough concerns about the disparity of their incomes and her employment.
Maddy had joined forces with Sterling against him. All but handed Ella to his father. And there could only be one reason she would do that. She thought Sterling would make a better guardian. That twisted him up in agonizing knots of self-doubt and pain. She’d had valid concerns about his parenting and interest in Ella the first few weeks — he’d fucked up royally before coming out of his funk — but Ella had come to mean the world to him. How could Maddy not know that? And why would she do it this way?
He stalked over to the bar and poured himself a giant tumbler of Scotch and drank most of it, in one long swallow — desperate to numb the pain. Putting the glass down, he pitched himself onto the sofa and covered his face with shaking hands. What was he thinking? Ella would be home in a few hours and he couldn’t show up drunk at the bus stop.
He gritted his teeth and pulled out his cell phone. Eyes stinging, he concentrated on slowing his breathing.
His father answered with “Is Ella all right?”
“I wanted you to know I fired your little spy.”
There was a sharply sound from the other end.
“You bastard,” Asher said.
“Asher, listen to me — ”
“No. You listen. How dare you? You and your games. You used her mom’s house to blackmail her? Her mother’s livelihood? And you think you’ll make a better role model than me, you sick fuck?” he spat out.
It was as though someone hit him in the stomach with a two by four. He could have sworn his feelings for Maddy were the real thing. He would have bet she reciprocated them. He’d let her in, and she knew how hard he was trying. And it still wasn’t good enough. He couldn’t even begin to think about losing Ella.
“I’m not sorry,” Sterling said. “I’ll go to any lengths to make sure Ella is okay. And son, you have to know she’d be better off with me. If there’s anything you’ve learned the last few months, it’s that you can’t care for a child. I know, Asher. All of it. Losing her at the store? Keeping her up late?”
She told his father everything.
“It’s too much for you. Give her to me.”
Asher’s body went still. The hair rose on the back of his neck.
“You’re still the same. I made choices you didn’t agree with so I’m useless? I didn’t follow in your footsteps, so I must be a fuck up? You’re the only person on the planet who sees me as a fuck up. Ella’s far better off with me, and Dee knew it. That’s why she didn’t change her will. I’ll never let you get custody. You’re a bully and a lousy dad, and given half a chance you’ll wreck this little girl the way you tried to wreck me and Dee. You have no idea how to be a father. None. Take it from me.”
“That’s the thing, son. I don’t want what happened to you to happen to Ella. I don’t want her to be … damaged.”
Asher gave a short, humorless laugh. “I’m damaged?”
“You are a lousy guardian for Ella for the same reasons I was a lousy parent. You can’t put her ahead of yourself. You neglect her for business, a phone call.”
“Oh, the irony.”
“Yes. The irony. I will take her from you at the hearing. I’ve rearranged my life to care for that little girl.”
Asher scowled. “As have I.”
His father continued as if he hadn’t heard. “I’ll give her my all, Asher. I should have done it with you and Dee. I didn’t know. I can’t let you make the same mistakes I made.”
“I’ll see you in court.” Asher disconnected the phone.
He picked up the nearest object, ready to hurl it into the wall, but stopped. He looked at the thing in his hand. A travel mug Maddy made for him with photos of Delilah and Ella. He put it down and collapsed onto the couch, staring at it.
The anger faded, leaving heartache in its wake.
Chapter 18
When Maddy’s cell phone rang at eight A.M. her heart leaped. Asher? Maybe he would let her explain. She should have told him about Sterling’s initial call, but since she’d decided early on not to help him, she hadn’t seen the need to. Besides, she’d discussed the matter of the phone call with Ella’s therapist. The woman had been adamant that Maddy stay out of it — completely out of it. She had instructed Maddy to keep silent about Sterling’s phone call and offer. The therapist didn’t want to add fuel to Asher’s anger toward his father. The woman held out hope for reconciliation between Sterling and Asher, if only for Ella’s sake.
But how could Sterling possibly have the information he did? Had someone been following them?
She focused on the number and her shoulders slumped. Not Asher.
“Hello?”
“Madeline Anderson?”
“Yes?”
“This is Patricia Leeds from the Los Angeles County Family Services court. We need you to testify today at an emergency hearing to discuss the welfare of Ella Lowe.”
“That’s today?”
“Are you the child’s nanny?”
“Yes. I mean, I was.”
“What dates were you employed?”
Maddy gave the woman the information.
“So you quit yesterday?”
“Quit? Not exactly,” Maddy hedged.
There was a weary sigh from the other end of the phone. “Do you know where the courthouse is?”
“Yes.”
“Then we’ll see you at eleven A.M. this morning. Third floor, conference room eleven.”
“Okay.” Maddy put the phone down on the coffee table and sat staring into space.
She hadn’t the energy yesterday to put her things away, and today she was so exhausted and heartsick she was almost catatonic. Getting up, she checked the kitchen cabinets for coffee. Ah, good, there was half a bag of beans.
She hadn’t done her usual stretches this morning so she had zero flexibility and a lot of pain. She ground the beans and put them in the bottom of the French press then put the kettle on and waited until the whistle sounded.
Her chest ached, her swollen eyes burned as tears of grief and shame welled in them. The kettle whistled at full throttle. Maddy absently turned the burner knob to off and poured the boiling water. Too fast. It sloshed over the back of her hand holding the handle of the press.
“Ouch. Damn it.” She pulled her hand away and set down the kettle. She stared at the burned flesh. If it was red and painful, it would blister. That’s all she needed. Scars on her ugly hands. Good. Maybe the soreness from the burn and the pain in her body could distract her from the ache in her heart.
• • •
Maddy pushed the button in the courthouse elevator at ten forty-five. The doors opened, depositing her on the third floor. She walked stiffly down the linoleum hallway, checking doors for numbers. Wrong corridor. She turned back with a sigh, clutching her purse with sweaty hands. A white bandage on her left hand covered the angry half-dollar sized blister. Conference room eleven. She walked in warily.
There was Sterling Lowe, impeccably attired in a gray suit, sitting next a man that must be his lawyer. Asher was at the opposite end of the table, his back to her. She could see his spine stiffen as she walked in, but he didn’t turn. Her heart clenched. The only other occupants were the therapist and the social worker, talking quietly together on the far side of the room. They each turned a sympathetic smile in her direction.
Maddy made her way to a chair in the middle of the oval conference table, pulled it out and sat down. Purse in her lap, she stared at her hands, unwilling to meet Asher’s eyes. Dread formed a cold, hard knot where her stomach used to be.
The black-robed female judge came in the room, followed by harried looking fiftyish woman juggling files and a computer. Belatedly Maddy rose to her feet after the others while the judge and her assistant settled themselves. She could feel Asher’s eyes on her and peeked through the curtain of her hair. His eyes were coldly furious, promising retribution.
Maddy swallowed hard and studied the table. The social worker she had only met once and the therapist settled into chairs next to each other on Maddy’s right side.
The judge’s lips twisted. “I see here we’re due in court in less than a month. Anyone care to tell me why we’re here early?” She gave a hard look to the social worker, and then turned her gaze on the therapist.
Sterling Lowe’s attorney cleared his throat. “Judge, if I may?”
She glared him down. “No, you may not. I’d like to hear from the women in the room, since they, at least, are supposed to be impartial and only concerned about the welfare of the child.”
Asher made a sound that could’ve been a snort. The judge whipped her head around. The transcriptionist continued to type, head down.
Mimi piped up. “Mr. Lowe … er … Mr. Sterling Lowe, brought some incidents to our attention.”
“Let’s hear it,” the judge barked. “I don’t have all day.”
“According to Mr. Lowe Senior, Mr. Asher Lowe lost the child in a mall.”
The judge looked over her glasses at Asher. “True?”
Asher gave a curt nod, glowering.
“For how long?” the judge asked.
“Fifteen minutes.”
The judge shook her head. “It happens. Probably the longest fifteen minutes of your life, am I right?”
Asher sat back, clearly off guard. “As a matter of fact, yeah. Your honor.”
Sterling Lowe leaned forward, flushed with rage. “Not to my grandchild it doesn’t!” he thundered. The attorney tugged on his arm.
Sterling shook him off.
The judge narrowed her eyes at Asher’s father. “You’re doing yourself no favors.” She pointed at the attorney next to Sterling. “Tell him.”
Sterling’s high priced attorney dragged a finger under his collar and whispered to his client.
The judge surveyed Asher, then Sterling. “It happens to the best of us.” Directing her gaze at Asher she said, “I assume you did all the right things to find her?”
He nodded.
“Including panicking, screaming her name and running around like a chicken with your head cut off?”
Asher’s eyes widened. “Yep.” His attorney nudged him. “Your honor.”
The judge turned a dour expression on Sterling. “Save putting children on leashes — something I’m not opposed to in some instances — that’s gonna happen. What else?”
Mimi responded haltingly, “Well, apparently the child urinated in public.”
Wait. What? Maddy sat forward in her chair. How could he possibly have known that about Ella peeing on the street? Had they been followed? This wasn’t making any sense. Nausea twisted through Maddy.
Sterling Lowe sat back, a smug expression on his face.
“That was my fault,” Maddy blurted.
“And you are?” She turned her narrow gaze to Maddy.
“I’m the … I was … Ella’s nanny.”
“Hmmmph. So what happened?”
“We had a play date and the woman wouldn’t let us in. Ella had to go … ” Maddy shrugged. “But it wasn’t a busy street, just a residential one and there was no other option.”
The judge looked over her glasses at Sterling and shook her head. “Whole lotta nothin’ here.”
“There are a number of other incidents,” Sterling’s lawyer interjected, flipping through the sheaf of papers in front of him.
“I thought I told you to stay out of it.” She glared at the attorney. “I have the motion in front of me.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She next directed her steely gaze at Maddy. “Do I need to place the child elsewhere?”
“Oh no!” Maddy gasped. “Please don’t. Ella,” she glanced at Asher, “Ella loves her uncle. She may love her grandfather, too, but she’s doing so well with us. Uh … with him.”
Sterling Lowe interrupted. “Of course she’d say that. She’s sleeping with him.”
Funny how you could still hear people’s reactions when they didn’t make a sound.
Asher’s jaw was clenched, face expressionless.
The judge made a derisive sound.
Maddy felt the anger steadily creeping up, threatening to overwhelm her. “Yes. I’m … I was sleeping with him. I care for Asher, but that’s not the point of this hearing, is it? We’re supposed to be doing what’s best for Ella. And you,” she pointed a shaking finger at Sterling Lowe, “I don’t know how you got your information. The only people who knew about those incidents were me and Asher and — ” her mouth dropped open, “ — my mom. I sent her emails about what’s going on,” she said. “Good God. You’ve hacked my email!”
Sterling Lowe didn’t have the grace to look ashamed. His attorney cleared his throat but remained silent.
Maddy looked daggers at them and then turned to the judge. “I shared some of our struggles with my mom. We’re close and she runs a daycare. I ask her advice from time to time,” she explained. “Maybe I shouldn’t have, but my mom is great with kids. She even has some experience with children and grief. I never meant … how could he?
” She looked back to the judge. “He has my emails. Is that legal?”
In her peripheral vision she saw Asher sitting forward in his chair, she could feel the eyes of everyone in the room on her.
The judge was contemplating Asher’s father. His attorney was looking around the room. With a sigh, the judge turned back to Maddy.
“Of course it’s not legal. Not that I can waste county money going after him for it.” She jerked her head in Sterling’s direction. “It would be difficult to prove and only result in a fine anyway. But it shows very poor judgment.”
She turned her attention to the therapist. “How is the child adjusting?”
The woman shot a nervous look at Sterling.
Was he blackmailing her, too?
The woman held up both her hands. “Ella’s doing beautifully, all things considered. She loves school, she loves Maddy, and she’s coming to love her uncle. She misses her grandfather and she still struggles with the loss of her mom. In a perfect world, I’d like to see both these men who love Ella care for her. But I can see why that’s impossible. I don’t know who would be the best guardian for Ella, but I strongly advise against another upheaval or major change at this time. It’s my recommendation that guardianship remain with Asher Lowe.”
The social worker nodded her assent. “As long as we’re recommending what’s best for the child, I don’t think it’s another nanny. Regardless of their … er … personal issues, Ella has bonded with Maddy and it’s a very strong bond. One I don’t advise breaking, given everything the child has been through.”
Maddy stared at the table fighting tears, thankful her hair was a curtain around her face.
The judge pursed her lips and slapped her hands flat on the table.
“I’ve heard enough. The child stays with Asher Lowe. Mr. Lowe, I don’t care what your personal situation is with Ms. Anderson. It’s lamentable that you couldn’t keep your hands off your employee, but maybe now we can carry on a professional relationship?”
Maddy instinctively nodded.
Asher did not respond.
“But we’re going to do what’s best for the child here, and that is Ms. Anderson. Is that clear?”