by Pen Name
Maggie had insisted I come in from the field early that day so we could have a girls’ afternoon, as she called it. It had involved putting goopy green mud masks on our faces, curlers in our hair and glittery nail polish on our toes. I wasn’t used to that sort of thing, although I supposed it wasn’t much different from what my mother did on her spa retreats – just less expensive. And I had to admit, it had been kind of fun.
My ex-boyfriend would have killed me had I worn glittery toenail polish back when we were together. He would have demanded to know who I was trying to impress and called me a disgusting, filthy slut, even though it was nothing more than a few innocent sparkles. But he was finally out of my life for good and now I could wear whatever I wanted.
So I did.
The dress Maggie had loaned me was flirty and feminine, coming in at the waist only to gracefully skim away from my hips before ending just above my knees. The bodice was form fitting, with delicate lace and a scooped neck that was subtly sexy without being trashy. It wasn’t a designer gown – it was something that had come off the sales rack at a box store. But it didn’t matter. I felt like a princess.
The way Nate was looking at me instantly gave me butterflies.
“Well?” Maggie demanded impatiently, waving her hand in front of Nate’s face. “Hello, earth to Nate! This is the part where you’re supposed to tell us we’re gorgeous, in case you didn’t know. Honestly, sometimes you’re so hopeless!”
“You look beautiful,” Nate replied, his eyes never straying from my face.
“We know!” Maggie giggled, linking her arm through mine. “Come on Amanda, let’s go!”
Part of me was disappointed as Maggie led me to the barn. For some reason I’d assumed the three of us would hang out together, but I should have known better than that. I looked back over my shoulder to see Nate standing there unmoving, still looking after me. I offered a small wave and an apologetic smile.
He held his hand up in a little wave of his own, two fingers extended. Then I watched as he stuck his hands in his pockets and walked off in the opposite direction. I hated to see him go. In fact, I had to fight a sudden urge to run to him and bring him inside with us.
When Maggie and I got inside, I saw that the barn wasn’t a barn in the traditional sense. There was no hay on the floor and, thankfully, there were no animal droppings either. It was easy to forget that I was even in a barn; it felt more like a homey country and western bar.
There was a great atmosphere in there. It was a laid back place, simultaneously relaxed and special. Many of the men wore cowboy hats and jeans, while the women were dressed up in their fanciest attire. It wasn’t what I’d been expecting, but it felt right somehow. In front of us, an adorable little girl of about five was dancing circles around a sweet little boy wearing a cowboy hat that was practically bigger than he was. A crowd of adults were grinning and clapping as they looked on. I smiled to myself at the cute spectacle.
Colorful paper lanterns hung from the rafters and a live band was playing an upbeat country music song. Some people were two-stepping while others sat nearby watching with plates of pie in their hands, visiting with one another. There was what could only be described as a wholesome, pure excitement in the air, and it was contagious. I was sure it was going to be a good night.
Maggie led me around, chatting happily and introducing me to people. It wasn’t what I was used to. I’d grown up accustomed to a lifestyle that was drastically different than the unhurried, easygoing pace of rural Minnesota. But everyone at the Spring Fling was friendly and welcoming, and I instantly felt like I belonged.
It was a strange feeling...I couldn’t remember ever feeling like I fit in anywhere in my life. The close knit community – and especially the relationship I’d developed with Maggie and Nate Avery – was truly something special. In a way, coming to Minnesota had felt like coming home for the very first time.
A gale of loud, tittering laughter made me turn my head. I saw a young auburn haired woman in a low cut red dress and brown cowgirl boots over at the bar area. She was suggestively draped across some guy. I watched her curiously as she threw her head back, thrusting her ample cleavage out in the process. A minute later she climbed right onto the guy’s lap.
Part of me wished I had the confidence to be carefree and flirty like that. Maybe I wouldn’t go about it in such an overt way, but still... The truth was I didn’t know how to flirt at all. The only guy I’d ever been with was my ex and that had been an unconventional pairing right from the beginning. He’d damaged me in so many ways that not having any experience with flirting should have been the least of my worries.
But part of me couldn’t help but think of Nate.
The way he looked at me made me wonder if he saw something in me that I couldn’t. Sometimes I’d catch him just watching me, almost like he was quietly admiring me as I went about my work or taught Maggie cooking basics or what have you. It always made me feel hot and tingly, and it made me wonder what might happen if only I could let him know how I felt.
Expressing my feelings didn’t come easily to me. Maybe at one point it had, back when I was a little girl. But for far too long, I’d been in the clutches of a controlling, masochistic monster. I’d learned early on how to shut my emotions off, hiding how I really felt so as to make myself less vulnerable. The only problem was I’d learned it too well – now it seemed I didn’t know how to do anything else.
But I could change. Penny had learned to trust humans again, so I could learn to open up again. I was cautiously optimistic about that. So as Maggie visited with someone she knew I snuck away, edging closer to the couple at the bar. Maybe I could get a lesson in Flirtation 101. I could certainly use it.
The woman in the red dress had her back to me, and I could only see the man’s ripped blue jeans and well-worn cowboy boots. I moved closer to the bar so I could get a better look. I wasn’t trying to be voyeuristic, but I figured a little innocent people watching wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. So I sat down on a stool at the far end of the bar and observed them.
Then the woman flipped her long hair and tilted her head to the side. The slight movement allowed me a glimpse of the man’s face. When I saw those familiar, handsome features I spent so much time secretly fantasizing about, my heart instantly sunk.
The flirty young woman was sitting on Nate’s lap! It felt like a punch in the stomach, only worse. I couldn’t breathe. Even though it was totally irrational and Nate didn’t owe me a thing, I felt betrayed. I even was angry at the woman for invading my territory despite that being a ridiculous way to feel.
At that moment Nate glanced over the woman’s shoulder and our eyes met.
I froze.
Nate’s eyes bore into me as though he was trying to communicate with me telepathically. I looked away, not wanting him to know how hurt I was and not wanting him to think I was paying any attention to him at all. But when I glanced back up a moment later, his eyes were still on me.
He mouthed something at me then, even as the squirmy, curvy woman giggled again and whispered something in his ear. I stared back at him coolly and raised an eyebrow, not understanding. So he mouthed it again.
“Help” – that was what Nate was mouthing.
I felt a glimmer of hope deep inside.
I stood up. It was as though there was a disconnect between my body and my mind, because even though I had no idea what I was doing or what I was going to say, I found myself marching pointedly toward Nate and the woman on his lap.
“You’re so tense! Come on baby, just have one drink...let’s loosen you up,” the woman was purring as she massaged Nate’s broad shoulders – and managed to press her heaving chest against him in the process. I was sure it wasn’t an accident. I felt a flash of irritation, as though she was manhandling something precious to me. Part of me wanted to tell her to take a hike.
“Amanda!” Nate breathed, clearly relieved to see me. He stood up so quickly that the woman practically tumbled off his la
p and onto the floor. “Uh, I have to go, sorry,” he mumbled to her, clearly unable to get out of there fast enough. “I promised to show Amanda that, uh, thing. You know, the...thing that’s...outside?”
“Oh right,” I played along with a nod. “The...thing...yeah, I can’t wait.”
“Good,” Nate said, reaching down to take my hand. When our fingers touched I felt a jolt of electricity so intense that I nearly jumped. “Let’s go,” he murmured, practically pulling me along with him. I had to break into a near-sprint just to match his long, deliberate strides. It was vaguely reminiscent of that first morning on the farm with him when he’d made me practically run after him as he went about his chores, only this time I knew he wasn’t trying to be rude.
“What was that all about?” I demanded as soon as we were outside, the cool night air kissing our warm skin. Nate kept right on walking, but thankfully slowed down a little once we’d made our escape. “Who is she?”
He rolled his eyes. “That was Traci. She’s a girl I went to high school with,” he explained. “She’s kind of been throwing herself at me ever since senior year. She spotted me tonight and I couldn’t get away from her, so thanks for saving me.”
“She’s pretty,” I observed quietly, hating that it was true. She was one of those voluptuous, confident, overtly sexy women I wished I could be. How was I supposed to compete with that?
“She’s not my type,” Nate muttered dismissively.
“Why?”
He shrugged. “Traci’s a drama queen. Like I said before, I’m a simple guy. She’s pretty high maintenance and between you and me? She comes on a little strong. She’s just not my type, that’s all.”
“Oh.” Keeping my tone neutral was a challenge, but I didn’t want let Nate know how relieved I was. It would have made me feel silly. I paused then and cocked my head to the side. “What’s that I hear?” I asked, straining to separate the music from the other sound that had captured my attention.
“It’s the river,” Nate replied. “It’s just beyond those trees over there,” he added, pointing to a patch of foliage at the edge of the property. “My dad and I spent a lot of time fishing there. It’s a nice spot.”
“Can we...will you show it to me?” I liked being out there with Nate. Even though there were a few other people milling around outside the barn where the vehicles were parked, it felt like we were the only two people in the world. I wasn’t ready for that feeling to end just yet.
“Don’t you want to get back to the dance?” he asked with surprise. “You looked like you were having a good time in there. Maggie must have introduced you to half the town,” he observed with a chuckle.
“You were watching me?”
He shrugged and studied his cowboy boots intently, not answering the question. “I’ll show you the river if you want,” he offered. “But it’s dark. I’m not sure how much you’ll be able to see.”
“That’s okay. Show me.” I just wanted to be alone with him a little longer.
“Alright, this way then,” he said. I felt his hand lightly touching the small of my back, gently guiding me through the semi-darkness. A shiver ran through my spine. I tried to concentrate on walking but all I could focus on was the way that feather light touch felt. My body responded immediately, my nipples hardening as I thought about how close Nate and I were to each other.
“Wow,” I breathed as we approached the rapidly flowing river. “It’s beautiful here.”
Up close, the moonlight illuminated the river bank in the most exquisite way. I could faintly make out wildflowers near the water’s edge, adding to the natural beauty of the area. The dull roar of the water forcefully moving was like white noise, relaxing and therapeutic. I could understand now why Nate liked the place so much.
Unfortunately, I was so busy looking around – and inwardly squealing about how close Nate was standing to me – that I lost my footing. My foot caught on what felt like a stone and I stumbled in the tall grass. Nate’s strong arms immediately caught me, steadying me before I fell.
Still holding onto me, he studied my face in the moonlight. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.” My mouth felt dry and my heart was beating a mile a minute. The night was so perfect I could hardly stand it. Then I said something even I wasn’t expecting. “Will you dance with me?”
“Here?” he asked, looking confused.
Inwardly cringing, I nodded and bit my lip. I wished that hadn’t slipped out. Trying to undo it, I started speaking quickly. “But I just remembered you said you hate dancing, and I’m a lousy dancer anyway, so it’s okay if you don’t –”
“I’ll dance with you.”
“You will?”
Instead of answering, Nate took a step closer to me and put his hands on my waist. Miniature explosions went off inside me. Instinctively, I reached up and placed my hands on his broad, manly shoulders. He was so tall...and I loved the way his body towered over mine. It made me feel safe. He made me feel safe.
Pressing my head against Nate’s chest, I settled into him and we began to move in unison as the notes of a slow, sweet country song drifted out of the barn. We didn’t talk. We just stood there in each other’s arms, barely moving, swaying in time to the music.
Our bodies were so close together that we were almost pressed up against each other. We stood there amidst the trees chest to chest, knee to knee... A shiver of excitement ran through me as my mind raced. In fact, I even felt myself break out in goosebumps.
I couldn’t help but wonder if this was the sort of thing people were referring to when they talked about making love. We were both fully clothed and there was no sex involved, but that wasn’t important. I felt something I’d never experienced when my ex was grunting on top of me, forcefully and sometimes painfully taking his pleasure. I felt close to Nate...connected.
I hugged him tighter and listened to his heartbeat, not wanting to let go.
“You’re shivering,” he noted with concern, coming to a standstill and taking a step back so he could get a good look at me. “Do you want to go back inside?”
“No.” I didn’t want the moment to end. “Can we just stay out here a bit longer? Please?”
“Well I’m in no hurry to get back inside,” he shrugged. Then, apologetically, he said, “I’m sorry I don’t have a jacket to offer you.”
“It’s okay.”
My ex never would have thought to give me his jacket if I was cold. He hadn’t been the type of guy who gave a damn...the only time he’d been sweet to me was when he feared he’d gone too far. Then he’d turn on the sickening charm, showering me with expensive gifts that meant nothing at all and cuddling me when his very touch made my skin crawl. It had made my stomach churn.
Nate wasn’t like that. He had no agenda, no ulterior motives...he just wanted to take care of me. Sometimes I had trouble believing he was real. Until Nate, I’d been afraid to even let myself believe that chivalrous, honest, kind men like him really did exist.
“Come here,” he said, sitting down on a fallen tree trunk and holding out his arm. When I sat next to him, he pulled me close and began to vigorously rub my arms, transferring his body heat to me. It was a million times better than any warm blanket or hot bubble bath could ever be. Nate’s hands felt good on my skin...very good. I sighed contentedly and leaned against him.
“Is that better?” he murmured, his voice hoarse and gravelly. “Are you warming up?”
My eyes shut and a faint smile on my lips, I nodded.
“You were wrong, you know,” he commented as we stared out at the water, his arm still around my shoulders. “You’re a good dancer. In fact, you’re the only woman I’ve ever actually wanted to dance with.”
“I used to dance with my little brothers when they were about four,” I confided dreamily, my eyes still closed. I could feel every muscle in my body relaxing as a euphoric high overtook me; that was the effect Nate had on me. “They’d stand on my feet, I’d hold their hands and we’d dance in
the living room. They loved it...they’d fight about who got to dance with me first.”
“I don’t blame them for that. I’d fight to dance with you, too. I bet they miss you.” I felt Nate lean in closer – so close that his collar-length hair brushed against the side of my face. “I’d miss you if you left.”
There was a pause then as Nate waited for me to acknowledge what he’d just said. The gravity of it hadn’t been lost on me. He was letting me know he no longer viewed me as the enemy, a humiliating reminder that he wasn’t able to run the farm himself after all. Instead, he wanted me there. I knew it was my cue to say something, but words failed me.
After a long moment of expectant silence, Nate spoke again. “Don’t ever leave, okay?”
My heart was pounding. I opened my eyes and looked up. There were so many stars out – they lit up the entire sky like some sort of spectacular cosmic light show. I tried to count them, hoping the momentary distraction would help ground me, help stave off the panic that had suddenly begun to flow through my veins, turning my blood to ice...
And then Nate lowered his lips to mine and kissed me.
The kiss was chaste and passionate all at once. It wasn’t as though Nate plunged his tongue down my throat or anything, but I think the slow build up and secret lust I’d been harboring made the kiss seem that much more electric. It’s like how that very first bite of chocolate is always more satisfying if you’ve been craving it for a while. Fireworks went off inside me as our lips became acquainted for the very first time.
In reality the kiss probably only lasted a few seconds, but for me, everything slowed down. Nate’s fingers brushed against my chin tenderly, tilting my head slightly to the side. His kiss was forceful and sweet all at once. It was exactly what I’d fantasized about...well, maybe my fantasies hadn’t stopped at just a kiss, but still, it was pretty great.
And yet the moment we broke apart, I jumped to my feet.
Looking puzzled, Nate stood up too.