Shattered Hearts ePub

by Pen Name

“You don’t get to just...just kiss me!” I sputtered angrily, my voice shrill and indignant. I could still feel his fingers brushing against my chin – and the sensation made me think of spiders crawling over my flesh. Actually, it made me think of something far worse than creepy insects. They made me think of my ex-boyfriend.

  What had been so incredibly pleasant only seconds earlier now made me feel deeply uncomfortable – and horribly violated. “You didn’t even ask if I wanted to be kissed! Who the hell do you think you are?”

  The expression on Nate’s face was one of utter bewilderment. Clearly my reaction wasn’t at all what he’d been expecting. But his confusion quickly gave way to annoyance. “You kissed me back,” he pointed out. And he was right. I had.

  “Well you caught me off guard!” I retorted, holding my ground.

  “Are you kidding me? You wanted me to bring you to the river and then you asked me to dance with you. I saw the way you were looking at me. I’m sorry if I misunderstood but honestly, what else was I supposed to think?” he demanded, throwing his hands up in frustration.

  I had wanted him to kiss me, but that wasn’t the point. I...well I wasn’t quite sure what the point was. All I knew was I felt rattled and off balance. My stomach was sick and I was trembling all over like a frightened animal.

  Nate took a step toward me. “Amanda, look, if I –”

  “Get away from me!” I shouted, jumping backwards so he couldn’t reach me. Then I turned on my heel and ran back to the barn as though my very life was in danger. But I didn’t go inside. I couldn’t. Instead I slipped into the shadows out back. I sat there in the dirt all alone with my knees drawn to my chest, trying desperately to get my hands to stop shaking.

  Nate didn’t come after me. In fact, I didn’t see him again until it was time to leave...and it made for one excruciatingly awkward drive home.

  Chapter 11

  I tossed and turned all night. But this time it wasn’t nightmares that were keeping me awake. It was worse. Every time I shut my eyes, all I could see was Nate standing in front of me down at the river. All I could focus on was the confusion in his eyes. It was awful.

  My behavior had been completely irrational. He hadn’t done anything wrong, and yet I’d punished him like he was a monster. I’d punished him like he was my ex, saying the things I wished I’d been brave enough to say back then. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. I’d known that even as the words had been tumbling out of my mouth, and yet I hadn’t been able to stop myself from blurting them out.

  It had to stop.

  In the morning, I forced myself to face Nate at breakfast...except he wasn’t there. Poor Maggie knew something was up and looked at me curiously as though she wanted to ask but knew better. I didn’t offer any explanations. Instead, I went outside in search of Nate.

  The night of the Spring Fling could have been perfect, except I’d ruined it with my paralyzing flashbacks and bursts of irrational anger. I knew I owed Nate an apology.

  I found him on the front porch with a newspaper. An empty cereal bowl sat beside him. It was obvious he was eating breakfast out there so as to avoid me. I couldn’t say I blamed him. He glanced up at me warily and I took a deep breath. This was it.

  “Can I sit down?” I asked tentatively.

  He shrugged and looked back down at the newspaper, his jaw clenched. He wasn’t reading it. I could tell because his eyes weren’t moving over the words on the page. He was simply staring at it so he didn’t have to look at me.

  With a sigh, I realized this wasn’t going to be easy. I sat down in the chair next to his and waited for him to set the newspaper aside, but he didn’t. Okay, so that was how it was going to be. Fine, I’d brought it on myself, after all. I could deal with his icy demeanor – I’d done it once before, right?

  “About last night...I owe you an apology,” I began nervously. I studied his ruggedly good looking features intently, hoping to catch some fleeting sign of affection – but he was a blank slate. I wrung my hands anxiously and then confessed, “You were right, Nate. I did want you to kiss me.”

  “Then why did you flip out?”

  I hesitated. I was already feeling vulnerable and the last thing I wanted was to dredge up the past. It would only make me feel worse. And besides, I felt like choosing that moment to tell him about the abuse I’d endured would be manipulative and self-serving. I didn’t want that. “I guess I was just scared,” I said softly.

  He looked up at me then. “Okay.”

  “Okay?” I scrunched up my nose in confusion. I hadn’t been expecting it to be this easy. It seemed too good to be true, so I proceeded with caution. “Really, okay?” I pressed, wondering if my bad behavior actually could roll off Nate’s back so easily. “So...we’re good?”

  He shrugged again and then stood up, neatly folding his newspaper before setting it aside. “I accept your apology,” he said, sounding rather stiff and formal.

  I breathed a sigh of relief and climbed to my feet, moving to kiss him.

  Nate took a step back and held up a hand as though to hold me off. “I accept your apology,” he repeated, “but Amanda, I can’t do this.”

  “You can’t do what?”

  He bit his lip and looked away. “I told you I’m a simple guy,” he said. “I’m not interested in girls who play mind games. You run hot and cold. One minute you seem like you want me and the next it’s like you can’t stand me. I don’t know what that’s about but I can’t do it. I won’t do it. So from now on we work together and that’s it, okay?”

  “You...you think I’m playing mind games with you?” I asked in disbelief, my heart sinking. The accusation felt like a slap in the face and I didn’t quite know how to take it. I certainly wasn’t trying to lead him on or be dramatic; it was something I simply couldn’t help. Sometimes the darkness took right over and there was nothing I could do but wait for it to pass.

  But Nate didn’t know that.

  “I don’t know and it really doesn’t matter,” he told me firmly. “Look, I have a lot of work to do today. I should get at it before I lose any more daylight.” With that, he left me standing there on the porch alone. I watched as he walked away from me, my heart aching.

  The feelings I’d developed for Nate had started as a small spark, but bit by bit, they’d grown into a raging fire. I couldn’t help but feel like my ex was still controlling my life even though I’d cut him out of it. Thanks to him, I couldn’t even have a normal, healthy relationship with a good man. After what that bastard had done to me, destroying my trust and shattering my sense of idealism, I was damaged goods. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to Nate.

  More than anything, I wanted to make things right...but I didn’t know how to pick up the pieces.

  Chapter 12

  “You’re so beautiful.”

  The words were whispered in the stillness of the night, dancing lightly through the cool evening air. I put my hand out and it was immediately nuzzled, the target of unabashed, no-strings-attached affection.

  “But you’re not just beautiful. You’re also strong. You have no idea how special you are.”

  Such tender words were ones I could only dream about hearing myself. As I gazed into Penny’s eyes, I saw myself in her. The white mare really wasn’t very wild at all anymore. The fact that she didn’t shy away from eye contact may have not seemed significant to the common observer, but in my opinion it was nothing short of extraordinary. Penny had come a long way. Bit by bit she’d been tamed, responding to kindness, patience and love. Maybe it was stupid but I found myself strangely envious of the progress she’d made. I wished I’d accomplished what she had.

  “I have scars too,” I told Penny as I fed her the apple I’d brought her. I liked to treat her whenever I could, spoiling her with small gestures. My finger traced lightly over the scar above her eye as I spoke and sadness washed over me. “Most of my scars are hidden,” I confided. “Some are under my clothes and others...well, others you can’t see a
t all. But I know they’re there. You probably understand that, don’t you sweetheart?”

  Penny wasn’t interested in what I had to say. She only wanted to eat the apple. But lately I’d found myself confiding in her more and more, visiting her at night and seeking solace in her quiet acceptance of me. Maggie had become a good friend but it wasn’t as though I could talk to her about my feelings for her brother. And now that Nate would hardly even speak to or look at me, I felt very much alone.

  At least I had Penny.

  “I don’t know why some people are so cruel,” I sighed. “I remember back when I thought my ex-boyfriend was a good guy. My family certainly thought so. They pushed me to be with him and for a while, everything seemed great.”

  Penny cocked her head to the side almost as though she was listening. So I continued talking.

  “But then little by little, his true colors came out. I think that’s how I got drawn in...at first he was charismatic and charming, saying and doing all the right things. It was only later that the name calling started, and then the hitting... And it was gradual. It wasn’t as though he bent my finger back so far it broke on Day One. No, he waited to do that...”

  Suddenly I heard a noise behind me. I spun around and saw Nate there, a carrot in his hand and an expression of absolute horror and dismay on his face.

  “How long have you been standing there?” I gasped.

  “Sorry, I just...” Nate trailed off. Then he cleared his throat and looked down at the carrot he held. “I – I was just bringing Penny a treat but I see you’ve already done that.”

  “I...yeah,” I agreed, feeling flustered. I reached out and took the carrot from Nate, broke the tip off and offered it to a very interested Penny, who immediately began to happily munch away. “She’s getting awfully spoiled,” I commented, trying desperately to talk about something safe. Maybe Nate hadn’t heard much of what I’d said. I could hope, anyway.

  But the expression on his face said otherwise.

  He took a tentative step closer and leaned against the wooden fence. He watched Penny thoughtfully but it was evident his mind was elsewhere. Finally, still staring straight ahead, he sadly asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Tell you what?”

  “I heard what you said,” he told me. “I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but I heard. I didn’t know you were in an abusive relationship. That’s...that’s awful. I don’t even know what to say. I’m really sorry that happened to you, Amanda.”

  I shrugged, trying to put on a brave front. “What are you apologizing for? It isn’t you fault.”

  “You told me you were scared,” Nate recalled. “You said that was why you got angry when I kissed you...I scared you. I had no idea...” His tone was deeply apologetic. “I thought you were playing mind games, but I get it now. You reacted the way you did because of your past, didn’t you?”

  Silently, I nodded. It wasn’t something I was proud of, but it was the truth. “I thought once I left him, that chapter of my life would be over for good. But I have flashbacks...nightmares... I guess I’m not strong enough to get past it.”

  “Not strong enough?” Nate repeated incredulously. “Amanda, the first time I laid eyes on you, I thought there was no way you’d ever cut it as a farm hand. You’re so tiny I figured you didn’t have the strength to handle the animals or the stamina to work in the field. But you’ve proven me wrong time and time again. You rise up to any challenge and you’re fearless. I think you’re a hell of a lot stronger than you realize.”

  “I’m not.”

  His voice was quiet now, and raw with unbridled emotion. There was anger in his stance and admiration in his eyes. “You left that coward who was hurting you, didn’t you?”

  “Yes, but I had to sacrifice everything and cut ties with my family to get away from him.”

  “If that’s not strong, I don’t know what is.”

  Maybe Nate had a point.

  “I’m sorry things couldn’t be different,” I told him earnestly. “I really liked you and I’m sorry if I made you think otherwise. You’re a good man, Nate. The woman who ends up with you will be very lucky.” I fed Penny the last of her carrot and wiped my hands on my thighs. “It’s late. I should get inside.”

  “Wait.” Nate’s fingertips grazed the inside of my wrist like he was going to grab hold of me, but then he appeared to think better of it. He kept his hands to himself and looked down at me. The only light was from a lantern I’d carried out to the barn with me, and it illuminated his face in a way that made him look even sexier than usual.

  “Yes?”

  “Do you still like me?”

  “What?”

  “You said you really liked me, past tense. Do you still like me? I can’t stop thinking about you, Amanda. There’s something about you I can’t quite explain.”

  Penny chose that moment to let out a snort. Talk about bad timing! We both stopped and looked at her in disbelief as she happily gnawed away at her carrot, oblivious to the seriousness of the conversation going on around her. I saw a small grin tugging at the corners of Nate’s oh-so-kissable mouth and he patted her affectionately before turning his attention back to me.

  “You’re so good with Penny and so kind to my sister. The way you’ve been teaching her to cook is really sweet...I know it means a lot to her. Honestly, you’ve made the house feel like a home again for the first time since our parents died.”

  “I have?”

  “Yes. After the accident everything was just so...fractured. We’re a family again thanks to you. You’ve brought us together and, well, you’ve brought something out in me. I love and hate that I can’t figure you out, but I’ll never stop trying. You’re strong and delicate all at once, brave and vulnerable...”

  “And hot and cold,” I added.

  “I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “But it’s true,” I acknowledged. “You were right. One minute things are good between us and the next I snap and turn on you for no reason. One minute you were kissing me and I loved it. The next, the way you touched my face triggered something and I flipped out. It wasn’t you I was mad at...it was my ex. But he wasn’t there and you were, so you became my target. It’s like I’m punishing you for someone else’s misdeeds. I don’t mean to, but it’s what I’ve been doing. It isn’t fair to you.”

  “It’s not fair you’ve gone through the things you have, either.”

  He was right, of course. And yet I constantly struggled with guilt, like being in an abusive relationship was somehow my own fault. It wasn’t logical, but logic doesn’t always prevail in life. If only it did. “Yeah, well life isn’t fair.”

  Nate took a step closer. “We’ve been friends for a while now but I want more. I want to be with you, Amanda. You’re the sort of woman I’ve always wanted to meet, but I didn’t even know someone like you existed. You’re not like the other girls around here. You’re something special and you don’t even seem to know it.”

  “But you told me you’re a simple guy,” I reminded him cautiously. “You don’t like drama. And it’s not that I do like drama because I really, truly don’t...but I can’t promise I won’t go off on you again.”

  “I don’t care.”

  It was hard to hide my surprise. “You don’t?”

  “No. I’m tough. I can take whatever you dish out.”

  “But you said...”

  “I know what I said. I don’t like women who try to be manipulative,” he clarified. “I dated a girl like that for a while and when it ended I swore I’d never get caught up in that nonsense again. I suppose that’s why I got so annoyed when I thought you were playing head games with me. But I understand now that you weren’t. I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions.”

  “Nate...”

  “I think about you all the time. I want you. We can take it as slow as you need to, I promise.”

  “I’m pretty messed up,” I cautioned. Then, amazed, I asked, “You really want to be with me?”

&n
bsp; “More than anything,” Nate assured me.

  The flame inside me had reignited and I felt hopeful for the first time in days. I hoisted myself up onto the wooden gate and then motioned for Nate to come closer. Once he was standing between my thighs, I wrapped my arms around his neck and drew him in for a kiss.

  This time he made no sudden movements. I could tell he was being careful so he wouldn’t startle me, kind of like how we’d been mindful not to sneak up on Penny. Like her, I was skittish. But Nate was good with her and now that he finally knew the secret I’d been hiding, he was trying his best to be good with me too.

  My body was screaming for relief. It was begging for Nate’s caress. Desire boiled up within me. I looked over at the pile of hay in the corner of the barn and immediately fantasized about Nate picking me up and throwing me into it. My mind was racing, alive with arousal. I felt like I was getting drunk on Nate’s kiss.

  Yes, he’d throw me into that haystack. Then the next thing I knew, he’d be on top of me, tearing off my clothes and sucking on my neck as I writhed in longing. I’d pull off his shirt and run my hands all over that rock hard, chiseled chest, marveling at how big and strong he was. His hands would close around my breasts and he’d flick my tender pink nipples with his fingertips, teasing the sensitive nubs into hardness. Then I’d spread my legs and he’d be inside me at long last, our bodies moving together in unity as our hearts beat to the same drum.

  But of course, it was just a fantasy.

  Getting it on in a hay pile probably wasn’t all that sexy anyway – it was one of those things best left to the imagination. In reality, it would probably be rather itchy, and maybe a little scratchy. And even though my body was craving Nate in ways that could make a sailor blush, my mind and heart just weren’t ready.

  So instead I settled for the kiss, slow and lingering. I could tell Nate was holding back in an attempt to be respectful. I reached down and grabbed hold of his wrists, one in each hand. Then I wrapped his arms around my waist as our tongues met for the very first time, silently letting him know it was okay to touch me.