“Sir!”
“Oh, but of course. Sir.”
“Mr. Ross, take yourself to”—I’d been about to say “Mr. Kahn,” but—“the wardroom. Pack your gear; I’ll send you civvies and find you someplace to bunk.”
“Am I beached?”
“You’re...” I hesitated, firmed my resolve. He was beyond bearing. “You’re dismissed from the Service, as of this moment.”
“God, no!” He blanched.
“Oh, yes. Off my bridge!” I turned his shoulders, propelled him to the hatch.
“Sir, wait, I—”
“Out!” He was agile and sturdy, but my rage was beyond challenge. I flung him to the far bulkhead, slapped the hatch shut.
Ms. Arkin stared at the console lights.
“Well?” I dared her to object.
“He was offensive.”
I snorted. “You might call it that.”
Her manner was carefully placating. “If you’d repeated what he said, Jeff Kahn would have cured him.”
“He’s eighteen and been barreled twice this month. It didn’t help.”
“Yes, sir.” She couldn’t say much more without skirting insubordination.
Lieutenant Kahn came to my cabin while Annie was out walking. “Sir, I beg you to reconsider.”
“About Ross? Forget it.”
“Aye aye, sir. I know he’s impetuous, but—”
“Hah. Have you any idea what he said to me?”
“He told me some, Sandra the rest. Still, if we—”
I shouted, “I will not be spoken to with contempt!” I fingered my jacket. “This is the United Nations, the Government ordained of Lord God! It deserves respect, even if I myself—” I broke off. “After we dock, after my trial, he can spit on me; I might even applaud. But for now...”
“Yes, sir. I agree wholeheartedly. Sorry, not the spitting, please don’t take offense. But what you have to understand about Thomas is that—”
A knock. Furious, I threw upon the hatch. “Now what—”
Edgar Tolliver. He saluted. “Might I have a word, sir?” His face was grim.
“Not now.”
“Sir, I just heard—”
“About Ross?” I grimaced, stood aside. “Very well, join the party.”
“Oh. I didn’t realize, Mr. Kahn.” Tolliver saluted his superior.
“Skip the formalities, both of you, and sit. I don’t intend to be argued out of my decision.”
Tolliver glanced at Kahn, back to me. “With respect, sir”—I snorted at that—“how did you decide? In the heat of the moment?”
“That’s not for you to question.”
Tolliver tried again. “You said the wardroom was mine to handle.”
“You said you couldn’t.”
“You told me to try. Let me.”
“With the other middies. Ross is out.”
Kahn cleared his throat. “Captain, I’ll have a talk with Ross. Hear him out, after—”
“Begging your pardon, sir.” To Kahn, Tolliver was polite but firm. “It’s my responsibility, as first middy. I’ll see to it—”
I snapped, “Are you both deaf? He’s cashiered.” I glowered at Tolliver’s mute reproach. He held his gaze.
A weariness settled over me. Was I overreacting? No. The boy was—
“Sir, he’s in his bunk, crying. He begged me for help.” Tolliver’s face was intense. “Do you understand? Since I unpacked in the wardroom, he’s offered me nothing but sullenness or gibes. Today, he wanted me.”
“Contemptible. He has no right to ask, after—”
Tolliver shot to his feet. “Do you want justice or a crew?”
Even Kahn was aghast, but Tolliver paid no heed. “Break me, break Steiner. Break Tommy Ross. Why stop there? You almost lost Ricky! What about Mr. Kahn?”
“Leave me out of—”
“Sir, it’s my fault Ross erupted. You know that as well as I!”
“Good heavens.” I sank to a chair. Tolliver was certain of his cause, or he wouldn’t dare to upbraid me. Even then, it was unimaginable. Still, I had no conscience of my own, and it seemed he was appointed to fill the role.
I waved, a gesture of defeat. “Very well. Talk to him, both of you. I’ll—I might reconsider.”
Jerence howled and kicked at me until I left. He refused to show me the vial; I knew that meant it was emptied.
Belowdecks, two crewmen beat a third senseless. I had them brigged until the next Captain’s Mast.
A few months. Then the rope, and surcease.
From Ricky Fuentes, a written apology. Kahn had gone hard on him, and he’d been absent from the dining hall for days, until he could sit without misery. Ricky offered to replace the damaged hinge from his own pay. He would never do something so dishonorable again, never let me down...I put down the note. Better he merely exercised more sense; I wanted none of his hero-worship.
I couldn’t put off dealing with Jerence; he had to be returned to the brig. I went to his cabin.
The lights were dialed low. Jerence sat up, squinted through eyes set deep in a haggard face. “Is it over?”
“Yes. To the brig.” My tone was curt.
Carefully he eased himself from the bed. “You promised!”
“Only if you held out.”
He hugged himself, rocking. Slowly his hand crept inside his shirt. He extended his arm, opened his fingers. The vial.
“I warned you—” But it was unopened. “Oh, Jerence!” I swallowed. “After yesterday, I thought...”
“I didn’t think it could get any harder, but it did.” His voice was hoarse. “Mr. Seafort, it hurts.”
“Yes.” I sniffed. “Are you forgetting to wash?”
“Who cares?” Again he hugged himself. “How long has it been?”
“Ten days. Eleven to go.”
He pursed his lips, shook his head.
Tolliver sat across from me in the officers’ mess. “May I bring Mr. Ross to see you?”
I frowned. I regretted letting myself be bludgeoned into an interview. “Not the bridge, and definitely not my cabin. Where are his quarters?”
“Cabin twenty-nine, Level 2. He shares.”
“With whom?”
A flicker of a smile. “Suliman Rajnee. Mr. Kahn and I thought it fitting.”
Tolliver’s idea, I was sure. “Very well. After lunch.”
The meal was tasteless and heavy on my stomach. After, I paced the bridge for a full hour, girding myself.
Rajnee, by prearrangement, would be elsewhere. I rapped on the hatch.
Thomas Ross opened, began a salute, realized it was a breach of protocol. Lowering his hand, he stood aside. He looked odd and uncomfortable in a casual jumpsuit.
I found a chair, sat with crossed legs. “Well?”
He walked with peculiar gait to his bunk, eased himself onto it.
“Have they caned you?” My tone was sharp. “I gave orders you weren’t to be—”
“No, sir. I’ve been sick to my stomach ever since you...It hurts.”
We waited.
“I’ve nothing to say, Ross. I’m here at your request.”
“Yessir. What I wanted to—look. My hand’s shaking.” He held it out for inspection.
“Get on with it.” In the Navy, one made one’s bed and had to lie in it. I had no sympathy for his distress.
“I’ve got to be reinstated.” He frowned, as if it hadn’t sounded the way he hoped. “The Navy is all I ever wanted.”
That much, I understood. It had been so with me.
“Without it I’m...nothing.” His eyes darted to mine, back to the deck. “What must I do to convince you?”
“Should I care?”
“Captain, I apologize for my rudeness. I’ll do anything. I’ll get down on my knees and—”
“You won’t do that.” I would leave, on the instant. The memories were too strong.
“Whatever you say, then. Have me caned. But please, please put me back to middy. I won’t ever disrespect—”
I was tired of it. “What I want isn’t groveling, but truth. I came here expecting to deny your request, and that’s still my intent. Level with me absolutely, or there’s not the slightest chance I’ll—”
“Anything!” He jumped from the bed, crossed to the wardrobe built into the bulkhead, turned back. His voice was unsteady. “Anything.”
“Why are you so desperate? There are other paths, other lives to lead.”
“I thought when I showed how angry I was, I was acting from principle. But on the bridge, when you dismissed me...something in my gut wrenched; I thought I’d pass out. I never knew how important the Navy was to me.” He turned. “In Ottawa I dreamed of it, lying in my bed. I had all the holos about Academy, and Mom was furious when I played them instead of doing my homework.”
Despite myself, I smiled. I knew. “Why do you loathe me so?”
“I don’t, I’ve changed my mind, I realize I’ve been—”
I strode to the hatch.
“All right! You killed Mr. Holser!”
“Others have made their peace with it.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to accuse—”
“Damn it, boy, truth!”
He stumbled to the bed, sank on it, immediately jumped to his feet. “You’re a traitor! You set off a nuke! He was your friend, and a word from you would have stopped him. You didn’t say it!”
“If he came to save the Station, would he have listened?”
“He was our Captain!” A cry of such despair that I was silenced.
“Oh, God, I’m going to be sick again.” He tried not to retch. “I love the Navy more than anything, but I can’t abide that it has you in it!”
My voice was so quiet that only I heard. “Neither can I.”
A long time passed, the silence broken only by his sobs.
I cleared my throat. “What’s come of your talks with Tolliver and Mr. Kahn?”
“Lieutenant Kahn’s furious, sir. He’s warned me if I’m reinstated I’ll have more to worry about from him than you.”
“Odd, given his own feelings.”
“Not really, sir. Mr. Tolliver’s disgusted with me, but he took the time to make it clear. If we respect the Service, we owe courtesy to all its officers. You’re not just in charge of Victoria, sir. You represent Admiralty, the regs, every ship of the line. So I’ll have to show you good manners, no matter what I—no matter what.”
“That came as a revelation?” My tone was dry.
“No, sir.” A mumble. “I guess I already knew. It’s just...” His head came up. “You said the truth. May I speak my mind?”
I nodded.
“I owe it to Mr. Holser not to let his murder go unnoticed. I despise your treason. Thank God that hangings are public. I’ll be there for yours even if I have to jump ship. And I’ll celebrate, when they’re done.” At my unflinching gaze, he reddened. “Well, that’s how I feel.”
“It’s not always necessary to say what you feel.”
“Yessir.”
This had gone far enough; I already knew my decision. “I’ll let you know in a week or so.” I stood.
“That long!”
“Or more.” The prize would be more valued, for the yearning.
“What shall I do with myself? I spend every day alone; Rajnee doesn’t care to talk to me any more than I—and no officer will even speak to me.”
I shrugged. “That’s your affair.” An idle thought. “If you’re lonely, visit cabin nineteen.”
“The Branstead joey?”
“An hour a day, no more. He’d like someone to talk with, I imagine.”
Tolliver dogged Alexi Tamarov’s footsteps, relentless in his determination that Alexi become the perfect lieutenant. I surmised that Tolliver modeled his behavior after our drill sergeants at Academy, who spoke to us with token respect, yet sternly monitored and corrected our every move.
At first, Alexi was resentful and sullen. Nonetheless, he studied his texts and performed his nav drills like any nervous young middy, Tolliver by his side. After a time Alexi hesitantly began issuing orders to the work details he was allowed to supervise.
After a week I allowed Thomas Ross to don his uniform. He reported for watch, polished and crisp. As he entered the bridge, evident relief battled with something else. Perhaps self-betrayal.
I said nothing of what had passed between us. When he was settled I left for my cabin.
In the evenings I sat with Jerence.
After one tempestuous visit, he’d finally quieted and gone to sleep. In the morning he’d pounded on the hatch until a sailor heard him and called the purser. Before I rounded the corridor bend I could hear Jerence begging to be freed.
“Steady, Jerence.” I opened the hatch. He tried to dive past me; I hauled him up by the collar. The vial of goofjuice lay on his bed.
“Oh, God, Mr. Seafort, I want it so! Isn’t there a way? Couldn’t I have just a little? Would you let me?”
“Yes. As much as you want.”
“Oh, thank you! I—” He stopped short. “And could I enlist, then?”
“Of course not.”
“Look what’s happening to me!” He showed me his hand. It trembled.
“Physical withdrawal, I’d guess. A jolt of juice will cure it.” I put my hand on the hatch lever.
“Don’t leave me alone! Please!” His tear-streaked face peered up at me. “I’ve tried so hard, but I can’t!”
Again I thought of Nate, knowing the comparison was foolish. This boy was not my son, never would be. But impulsively I pulled his head to my chest, released him. “Wait another day, Jerence. I’ll be back.”
“To tell me more stories? Tommy won’t, he says he doesn’t know how.”
“I don’t know any more—”
“Pa used to, when I was little. If I concentrate on your voice I don’t think so hard about the juice, for a little.”
“All right, but not every day.” What could I tell him of myself that wasn’t a lie?
Time passed. I adjusted Alexi’s watch rotation so that he always shared with Tolliver. Tolliver bore up under the strain of his duties, made easier perhaps by the lessening of tensions in the wardroom. Even Bezrel showed signs of improvement; he was rebuked less often and learned to stand up under criticism without wilting. Well, most of the time. On one occasion I’d carefully not noticed a stray tear making its way down his cheek.
Still, Alexi had been but a pale imitation of a lieutenant: hesitant, unsure, often confused. I knew that after we docked, when I’d be unable to shield him, he’d be useless to the Service. I didn’t tell him so. He already knew.
“Mr. Seafort, it isn’t working.” We were on the bridge, toward the end of the cruise, during one of Tolliver’s rare absences. “If Edgar wasn’t with me, I’d never manage.”
“Just do your best, Alexi.”
“I try, but I can’t even fill out the Log without Tolliver guiding me. And I do it every watch!”
“Your intelligence is what it always was. We had it tested.” “Yes, I know.”
“And Dr. Zares says your ability to retain what you learn is unimpaired. So all you need is time.”
“Yes, sir.” He brooded at his console. “I know you don’t like me to complain.”
“Do the best you can.”
He flared, “Do my best, do my best. How many times have I heard that? You sound just like Amanda. Alexi, all you can expect is your bes—”
The hairs on my neck rose.
White-faced, he whispered, “Amanda!”
“You remember?”
“In my cabin, when I hated Philip so! On Hibernia!” He bounded from his seat. “Sir, I remember! Wasn’t it on Portia, when she died? Tell me!”
“Yes.” I grinned. Thank You, Lord.
“Her funeral, I was there!” He danced with excitement.
“Steady, Lieutenant.” I clasped his arm; unexpectedly he grabbed me and hugged me. “Oh, sir, I remember parts of it!”
�
��Easy, Alexi.” But I didn’t push him away; my hand pounded his back in answering enthusiasm.
It wasn’t that simple, of course. Huge gaps in his memory remained. Yet, almost daily, bits of his past returned. With each revelation, his stature heightened, his shoulders straightened, his confidence grew.
I was content.
But then I thought of home.
31
“PREPARED TO DEFUSE, SIR,” said Chief Engineer Sandra Arkin.
“Very well.” I turned to Kahn, absently fingering my scar. “Call Mr. Tolliver.”
Moments later Edgar Tolliver saluted, waited for me to release him.
“As you were. I thought you might want to see this, Edgar. The end of our cruise.” The finis to my career, and soon of my life.
“Yes, sir.” He stood behind my chair, peering over my shoulder at the console.
I reached to the top of the screen. I hesitated. Each day of the interminable voyage had brought me inexorably closer to this moment. I had no doubt they’d hang me. My only regret was that Annie was still fragile, and sometimes worse. She would likely require a course of hormone rebalancing. Perhaps I could arrange that much, before they tried me. Perhaps, in return for my guilty plea...
“Ready, sir?” Kahn.
“Sound Battle Stations. We’ll take no chances.”
“Aye aye, sir.” Kahn pressed the alarms. Throughout the ship men and women dashed to their stations, reported their readiness to the bridge. When all compartments had responded I reluctantly put my finger on the screen.
“We’re ready, sir.”
I shot Kahn an annoyed glance. “Yes, of course.” I ran my finger down the line on the screen. “Defused.”
The simulscreens flashed to stunning life. “Checking for encroachments,” Kahn said immediately.
“Captain, no encroachments.” The puter.
“Thank you, Billy. Mr. Kahn?” Never did one rely solely on a machine.
His reply took a moment longer. “Free of encroachments, Captain.”
“Where are we?”
Billy said, “Outside orbit of Venus. Coordinates follow.”
“Very well. Remain at Battle Stations until we contact Admiralty.” I stood to pace. “Mr. Tolliver.”
“Yes, sir?”
“Sit at the console.” Immediately Lieutenant Kahn rose to give his seat. It would have been unthinkable for Tolliver, or any officer, to sit in my place. “Take the following message to the comm room and have it broadcast continuously until reply is received:
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