meant everything is rarely easy.
It should make her nervous. Sad.
But why is she scared—really
scared? That makes me scared, too.
I AM OVER THE PACIFIC
Halfway to Hawaii, eyes closed
and headphones fighting the noise
of crying babies with country music
when I remember something Dar
said the last time we played What If?
What if Cole got drunk and hit you?
I let it go. Why didn’t I pursue
it? Was she talking about Spencer?
Is that what she’s so afraid of?
That he’ll plunge right off the deep
end? But she’d tell me that, right?
Yeah, sure. Of course I would.
Especially with Spence coming
home. She wouldn’t face him
alone if that was really a concern.
Would she? God, I want to talk
to Cole about this. Ask his opinion.
I want you to promise me
you won’t say anything to Cole.
I promised I wouldn’t mention
it to Cole. But I never said I’d keep
quiet about it period. When I get back,
I’ll call someone on base. A counselor.
Or chaplain. Someone who can help.
Rewind
SPRING BREAK 2008
Cole had been back from Iraq
for several weeks. He had fifteen
days of leave, and his request
to take it when we could spend
uninterrupted time together
had been granted. He went
home to Wyoming his first week,
saved the second for me. The day
I picked him up at the airport
was crazy. First, I couldn’t decide
what to wear. I swear, I tried on
eight different outfits, hated
everything the mirror showed
me—too slutty, too old lady,
too college student in need
of new clothes. I finally settled
on a turquoise sundress that
showed off my legs and just
enough cleavage to be tempting
without shouting, “Hey, check
out these babies!” Then I had
to shave my legs. It had been
weeks. Not like I cared most
of the time, and mostly I wore
jeans. Then I needed makeup—
not too little, not too much, and
how did that smoky-eyes thing
go again? Everything took way
too long, and when I finally felt
ready and glanced at the clock,
I was already running late. Traffic
was heavy, and when it opened
up, I drove like a maniac. It didn’t
go unnoticed by a particular California
Highway Patrolman. Shit. Shit. Shit.
By the time he reached my window,
I was crying mascara and plum
eye shadow down my pretty blushed
cheeks. Apparently, he’d never
brought a driver to tears before.
Excuse me, miss. But may I see
your license and registration? Please?
And could you please stop sniffling?
Uh, is something wrong? Besides me?
Why not use it? It was the truth,
after all. “My boyfriend is just
back from Iraq and I’m supposed
to pick him up at the airport, and
I’m late and traffic, and now this . . .”
He let me off with a stern warning,
and I might have felt really good
about that, except now what the mirror
revealed was a total hag. I cried
most of the way to baggage claim.
AT LEAST
By the time I spotted Cole, I had
cried off most of the makeup. That
turned out to be a good thing, because
seeing him only made me cry more.
I ran into his arms, which were even
stronger than I remembered. He lifted
me off the ground, spun me around.
Brought my face right up into his
and I swear, despite my streaked
puffy eyes, the first thing he said
was, Goddamn, you’re beautiful. And
then we were kissing, and we kissed
without stopping until we really
couldn’t find air, and I was glad
he was wearing his uniform because
at least then everyone waiting for
suitcases didn’t think we were just
plain horny or something. In fact,
they clapped and one old guy
whistled. “Careful,” I whispered.
“I think he just saw my panties.”
Cole tugged down my skirt in back
and we laughed and kissed until
his duffle came rolling around.
We walked to the car, velcroed
together. He reached for the keys.
Let me drive? I slid into the passenger
seat, studied him as he exited
the parking lot, made his way
to the freeway, merged into traffic.
His hair was freshly cut, grunt-style.
The ruddy tan of his steel-jawed face
made the gold of his eyes even more
striking. He punched the gas pedal,
and we were flying. “Careful. There’s
a CHP out here somewhere who’s
already a ticket short today.” I told
him about my earlier encounter
without mentioning the makeup
problem. Cole just smiled.
Don’t worry. He can’t see us.
Nobody can. We’re invisible.
Maybe we were, because despite
hitting close to a hundred miles
per hour, no one stopped us.
No one even seemed to notice
us. We made it to the apartment
in world-record time, at least for
a beater car like mine. Tomorrow
we’ll go by Uncle Jack’s and get
the truck. It could use a little blowing
out, I bet, Cole said, pulling into
my parking place. Less than five
minutes after turning off the ignition,
we were in the bedroom, getting
ready to make new memories.
AFTER ALL THAT HURRYING
Cole actually slowed us down.
He stopped me just inside the door.
Stay right there, where I can look
at you. He sat on the bed, unlaced
his boots, unbuttoned his shirt.
His eyes never strayed from me
once. Take off your dress. Slowly.
It’s been a long time. I want to savor
every second. He watched as I slid
the sundress up over my head.
Very slowly. Working the tease
as if I had a real clue what to do.
I stood there, in nothing but
my prettiest pair of thong panties.
Turn around. Easy. Not too fast.
Now, come here. I floated toward him,
and when I got close to the bed,
paused. He reached out. Touched
my breasts with hands much too
gentle for their size. Then they slid
around my back, coaxed me forward,
and his lips circled my right areola,
sucked it like a baby might. Hungry.
He sat me on his lap, his incredible
erection straining against his pants,
pushing his zipper into the thin strip
of cloth covering my crotch. “Cole,”
I exhaled. “God, baby, I need you.”
<
br /> The statement was truth, and felt
that way. He sighed, laid back against
the quilt, loosened the closures on
his camos. I kissed his eyes, his mouth,
his neck, down his chest to granite
hard penis, urged it into my mouth.
I am no expert, but did all I could
to bring him all the way off. He came
very close, but stopped short. No.
I jerked off this morning, twice in fact,
thinking about you and what we’d do.
Does that make you pissed? It shouldn’t.
I did it for you, because I want you to
come before I do. Twice, in fact. He smiled.
Took total control. And he made me
come before he did. More than twice.
FOR THE NEXT WEEK
We had sex three or four times
a day. Halfway through, my body
ached, but I couldn’t say no.
Cole bordered on desperate.
When I go back, I’ll just have
morning wood and my fist. I want
to fuck you till I’m black and blue.
I need to remember you. This.
Pretty sure it was me who wore
bruises. His muscles were concrete,
and he gripped my arms as if he
let go, I might try to escape. Not mean.
Just determined. His eyes never
left my face as he chanted, That’s
my girl. My beautiful, beautiful Ash.
It was cadence. Beautiful. Beautiful.
Ash. I loved listening to his voice.
After a while, orgasm was the last
thing on my mind, but the rhythm
of his voice kept me going. That, and
knowing our time together grew ever
shorter. When we weren’t in bed,
we walked the beach. Watched
movies. Ate. Drank. Laughed. Held
hands as we talked, trying to learn
all we could about each other before
he was called back to work. To duty.
WE DID PICK UP
Cole’s truck from his uncle Jack,
who had stored it under a metal
roof in his backyard. It was dusty,
and the tires were low, but it started
right up once Cole reconnected
the battery cables. I didn’t realize
how much Cole loved that truck—
a 2006 Chevy Avalanche with a big
V-8. This puppy screams, he said,
proving it as we headed east toward
Palm Springs one morning. At least,
that’s where I thought we were going.
Instead, where the highway split,
he drove north toward Twenty-Nine
Palms. We’re going to train here.
I want to see it, and I want you to see
it, too. The Marine Corps Air Ground
Combat Center is a huge stretch
of yucca-and-cactus–studded sand,
where they train soldiers in the ways
of desert warfare. It is stark. Cursed.
Dry-Sahara in summer, dry-tundra in
winter. But, for a small, magical
window in spring, wildflowers paint
the landscape purple and poppy
and raspberry pink, clear to the far
horizons. It steals your breath away.
And that day, Cole and I drew
the lucky card that brought us
there at that perfect time of the year.
RATHER THAN INVESTIGATE
The base proper, Cole turned
off on a dirt track that plunged
us into all that frail beauty.
He barely slowed, fishtailing
the truck, scaring up bunnies
and flushing quail. “Hey, take
it easy. I’d like to make it out
of here all in one piece.”
He backed off the gas, just a little.
What? You don’t trust my driving?
I rested my hand on his thigh.
“I trust everything about you. But
it’s so pretty out here, I’d like to enjoy
the view. Hard to do when you’re
raising such a big cloud of dust!”
It was behind us, and that made him
laugh. You’re looking the wrong way!
But he did slow down and, in fact,
drifted to a stop, letting the Avalanche
idle and said dust catch up to us.
Once it settled, he opened his window.
It is pretty out here, isn’t it? Empty
of people, just the way I like it.
A muted ka-boom of artillery
reverberated off faraway hills,
echoed back across the valley.
“Guess we’re not so alone out
here after all.” An afternoon
training session must have
begun, because more reports
followed. Definitely not alone.
We listened to the rise and fall
of munitions fire for a few minutes.
“Is that what war sounds like?”
Not the war I was in. Regret
inflected his voice. Damn. Look
at the size of that critter! Wish
I had my rifle. It was a huge
jackrabbit, with ears half as long
as my arms and almost as wide.
It sniffed its way out of the brush,
stopped in front of the truck
and froze right there, staring
through the window with piebald
eyes. Unafraid. Curious, even, like
it wanted to know more about us.
“You wouldn’t really shoot it?”
Hell yeah, I would. Desert’s overrun
with the damn vermin. They ain’t
worth a shit, except in the stew pot.
A weird smile crept across his face.
Let’s have a little fun. What do you say?
HE DIDN’T WAIT
For me to answer. Before I could
even consider what might come
next, he put the truck in gear.
Punched it. By the time the rabbit
realized squashation was imminent
and reacted, it ran straight on up
the road. Big mistake. Jackrabbits
are quick. V-8s are powerful.
Faster than small mammals.
The rabbit feinted right. Cole
followed. Left-right. Veer-veer.
That would have been one dead
animal except it got lucky.
Goddamn little bastard! Cole
yelled at the rearview mirror.
The Avalanche had good clearance
and went right over the top of
the petrified bunny. Had the tires
hit it, Taps. By the time Cole got
the truck turned around, Mr. Rabbit
had taken refuge in a hole somewhere.
Cole was pissed. Hope I scared
it to death, anyway. I didn’t say
a word all the way to Palm Springs.
BY THE TIME
We got there, I had mostly convinced
myself that Cole had just been messing
around. Having, as he said, a little fun.
He didn’t really want to run over a poor,
defenseless rabbit. He didn’t mention
it and I never brought it up to him again.
We checked in to a nice hotel with
a jetted tub in the bathroom and two
pools outside—one hot water, one cool.
I thought it must be very expensive
but Cole said not to worry about it.
What else was he saving up his money
for? We had a fabulous dinner
at a pricey French bistro. Neither of us
ordered the lapin. Just seeing rabbit
on the menu made me cringe. Cole had
the venison medallions. I chose a nice
vegetable ragout. Chocolate soufflé
for dessert. And cognac. Lots of cognac.
By the time we stumbled back into our room,
took a hot (hot!) bath together, and fell
into bed, I did not dream at all. Especially not
about wildflowers, jackrabbits, or artillery fire.
SAYING GOOD-BYE
That time wasn’t too difficult.
I knew I’d see him again when
his battalion came to California
for pre-deployment training
at Twenty-Nine Palms. Plus,
he’d get leave again before
they sent him back overseas.
Best of all, we planned a summer
trip to Hawaii for me. It would be
my first time visiting the islands
and Cole would have his off-duty
hours to spend with me. With only
a couple of months until school
was out, I didn’t think I’d miss
Cole nearly as much as proved
to be the case. Because that man
had insinuated himself totally
into my life, under my skin. Our
last night together before he had
to return to base was amazing.
He knew exactly what to do, how
fast—or slow—to do it for maximum
effect. He made it all about me.
Called me beautiful, and made
me believe it. Whispered, I love
you. I need you. Always will. I want
to eat you. Drink you. Breathe you
in. And he did. Again and again.
OH, TO BREATHE YOU
In the middle of the frozen
night, to inhale the warmth
of you, exhale the fear of you,
no longer in my life.
A drift
of perfume lifting
off the silk of your skin,
a waking mist
of heaven.
Drink it in. Drink it in.
I never understood
the desire for eternity before.
But then you appeared,
midst
the chaos of my youth,
taught me how to love
when I swore I never would
again, extinguished
the coals
of desperation singeing
me inside, branding me
untouchable. Unsalvageable.
I am exiled to the wilderness
of hell
no longer, because of you.
You give forever meaning.
Cole Gleason
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