Loving A Cowboy

by Anne Carrole

  He’d glanced at her a few times, but it was hard to see more than puffy eyes in the shadowed light as she stared straight ahead. As if she had felt him looking at her, she turned toward him, her face wet with tears.

  “He felt a little odd and went to bed. Then Doug heard a thud like something fell, and it was Daddy.” Her voice broke.

  “I’m sorry, Lib.” He felt like all kinds of fool not knowing what else to say. If only words could make it all right, but Chance knew they couldn’t. She wouldn’t rest until she saw him. He prayed the old man hung on.

  “I didn’t even know he had a bad heart. Neither did Doug. But apparently when the paramedics got there, they checked his medicine chest and his nightstand and found heart medicine.” Sniffles crept into the conversation. “Why didn’t he tell us?”

  “Maybe he didn’t want to worry you. Maybe he thought he had it under control.”

  “I should have known. I should have seen the signs. I should have done something.”

  Guilt was powerful. Sometimes it could be used for good, but most times it just beat people up. He knew. For years he thought if he’d just been a better kid, hadn’t been so noisy, cleaned his room, his mother would have stayed. That’s probably why he had worked so hard when he was with his foster family—so they wouldn’t throw him back. Then hard work just became a habit. At least something good came out of it.

  “Libby, most people wouldn’t spot someone suffering from heart problems unless they were a doctor or a nurse. If your father wanted you to know, he’d have told you.” Chance shifted down to second as the slope got steeper, the curves sharper, and the pavement slicker.

  “He did tell me—in his way. He wanted me to work for him, to take some of the pressure off. He kept saying he wasn’t as young as he used to be. I just thought…I thought he was just trying to get me to do what he wanted. But he needed me, and I wasn’t there for him.”

  Chance felt himself sinking deeper into an emotional vortex he didn’t know anything about. Making people feel better wasn’t something he’d practiced all that often, mainly because he wasn’t close enough to most people for them to share what they were feeling. Hell.

  “I doubt your father believed his health issues were this serious. Otherwise he would have told you outright. You can’t be beating yourself up like this. No matter if you were working at the dealership or not, this scenario wouldn’t have likely changed. Heart attacks have to do with genetics and a lifetime of issues building up, not just one day or incident. Your father doesn’t want you beating yourself up. He’ll tell you so himself when you see him.” If he made it through the operation.

  “I just can’t help but think about him dealing with this alone. Not telling anyone. Doug didn’t know either.”

  “And Doug is right there every day helping him with the business.”

  “I know, but I should have been there.”

  Now there were full-on sobs coming out.

  “No one can know when life will take a strange turn. We can’t stand still waiting for bad things to happen.”

  “I should have been there for him. That’s all. That’s what he wanted. And I couldn’t give it to him. I can’t seem to give people what they want, need, when they need it.”

  “Libby…” Chance fumbled through his mind, trying to find something to say, but he was coming up empty.

  “It’s true. With you, with Ben, with Daddy. I know I screwed up with you, Chance. I thought it was because I was a coward, afraid to stand up to my father. So I started asserting myself with Daddy. And I was trying to do the right thing with Ben. And all I’ve done is cause misery for everyone and myself.”

  “I know at times like this it’s easy to turn on yourself, but Lib, I don’t think that’s what your father is looking for you to do.”

  Guilt sure was a heavy load. Even when Libby left, he’d blamed himself. He wasn’t smart enough for her, he wasn’t rich enough for her, he wasn’t tame enough for her. If only he’d loved her more…

  She was blowing her nose with a tissue and wiping her eyes with her hand. Chance was at a complete loss. He just wasn’t good around women and tears.

  “Mandy Prescott, who runs Prescott Rodeo,” Libby began. “She knows Daddy. She said he’s a fine man. She likes him.” Libby shook her head. “I was proud of what Daddy had built but not of what built it. I was going to tell him next time I saw him how proud I was of him and of what Mandy said.” Louder sniffling.

  “So you’ll tell him when we get to the hospital.” Chance just hoped Sam Brennan would be alive by the time they arrived. Doctors were operating, but no telling how it would go.

  “And if he pulls through, I’m going to work my butt off for Brennan Motors.” She whispered it like a prayer. Chance heard it like a prison sentence.

  Chapter 18

  Chance hated hospitals. The bleached, stale smell, the glaring white lights, the scuffed ivory linoleum floors, the dusty green walls. Clinical and depressing. When he’d hurt his foot, he couldn’t wait to get out. He felt the same way now.

  Besides, best to put distance and time between him and Libby as soon as possible. It wasn’t going to end well, but it was certainly going to end.

  For a brief moment it had seemed they’d reached a mutually satisfying understanding. She would stay on, live at his house, hopefully commuting to a new job in Denver. He’d hit the road and start on the circuit, trying to salvage his ranking. There would be several times he’d be able to make it home between events. For once in his life, he’d have had something to look forward to and someone to come home to.

  But it seemed he was going to be denied even that little bit of happiness. And by the same man who had irretrievably altered his life once before. Only this time, it wasn’t Sam Brennan’s fault. It was no one’s fault. He couldn’t even blame Libby since he’d been the one insisting on a casual relationship.

  So he didn’t get hurt.

  Yeah, how had that worked out for him?

  He watched as Libby wrangled with the officious nurse stationed at the entrance to the cardiac floor. She was in full-blown, freaked-out daughter mode. But at least he had gotten her here safely.

  * * *

  Panic rose up inside her like a tidal wave, ready to choke her.

  “I’ve come all this way to see him. Why can’t I just look at him for a moment?”

  The nurse, a stern-looking woman in her late fifties, had a weariness about her, like she’d been on the receiving end of emotional next of kin one too many times. She rose from her chair behind the half-moon desk cluttered with papers and computer monitors and forced a smile onto her lined face.

  “He’s just had a serious operation. He is to rest with no disturbances at least until visiting hours. Come back then, and I’m sure you will be able to see him.”

  “What if something happens to him before then?”

  “We will call you. Are you listed on the contact list?”

  “I don’t know.”

  The nurse was scrolling through a computer screen. “Is this your number?” She recited a seven-digit number.

  “That’s my home phone.” Of course, Doug would have given them that number.

  “Then I suggest you wait there. If we don’t call, all went well, and we shall see you during regular visiting hours, which start at 10:00 a.m.”

  Libby glanced at her watch. It was barely 4:30 in the morning.

  “Can I see the doctor?”

  The nurse frowned. “At this hour I am sure the doctor is catching up on some much-needed sleep.” She spoke slowly, articulating each word as if Libby might not understand her if she didn’t.

  Libby turned around to face a grim-looking Chance. She felt drained, weary, and emotional. All she wanted was to see her father and reassure herself he’d still be there in the morning.

  “They won’t let me see him.” Her voice sounded whiny in her ears.

  “No doubt he needs his rest, Libby. I’ll take you to your house. You can talk to Doug,
maybe even get some sleep before you come back here.”

  “I’m not tired. I’m frustrated.”

  “You’re worried. And stressed out. Come on.” Chance reached out his hand. She took it and held on like he was her anchor. She needed an anchor because she felt that one more minute, she’d be drifting away into some stormy, emotion-filled sea.

  Thank goodness Chance was there.

  * * *

  Doug hadn’t been happy to be woken up in the early hours of dawn. He’d had a rough night and grumbled as much as Libby peppered him with questions. From what Chance could make out, the bypass surgery had gone as expected, and if all went as planned, her father would be able to go home in several days. Sounded to Chance like everything was under control, but the pale color of Libby’s complexion and the nervous shaking of her foot as she sat across from Doug in their enormous kitchen made it clear Libby hadn’t gotten over the shock of her father having a heart attack.

  Chance waited on the couch in the great room that connected with the kitchen, Cowboy curled at his side as if the cat was offering what comfort he could, while brother caught sister up on the events preceding and following their father’s heart attack. Questions tumbled out of Libby’s mouth. Where was Doug when he heard the thump? How long did it take the ambulance to get to the house? Had he administered CPR? (The answer was yes.) Where was the blockage? What medicine had he been taking? How soon would he be up and running again? And, how were they to keep their father from doing too much?

  “I’m taking over Casper like he wanted,” Libby said, lifting her hand up as a sign to her brother not try to talk her out of it. “I don’t want to hear anything more about it, Doug. If I had done as I originally promised, this might not have happened.”

  Chance expected that, but hearing her say it was another thing.

  “That’s nuts, Libby. Dad was a heart attack waiting to happen. He’d been on medication, and he hadn’t done anything I could see to be healthier. He didn’t exercise, he drank coffee like it was water, he ate anything he damned well pleased, and he certainly wasn’t taking it easy.”

  “But don’t you see, that is exactly what he wanted me here for, so he could take it easy. He said as much, but I never thought he meant it.”

  “You know he would have never taken it easy. It is not his nature. Look, this has nothing to do with you. This has to do with a lifetime of issues that just caught up with him.”

  “That’s pretty much what Chance said.”

  At the sound of his name, Chance glanced in their direction. From his seat on the couch, he could see Libby smiling at him, but it was a sad smile, a resigned smile.

  She turned her attention back to her brother, and they began to discuss how to get Sam Brennan to change his ways. From Chance’s perspective, they had about as much chance of that as hell freezing over. Sam was stubborn and set in his ways, and Libby being here wasn’t going to change that. But it would relieve Libby of guilt, he supposed.

  After the last few weeks with Libby and particularly the last few days, Chance had started to hope. After all, she’d been willing to accept his terms, and she’d seemed amenable to staying on. Who knows where that could have led? In time, maybe, just maybe, he would have come to trust her enough…

  But this proved it would have only resulted in another, more painful, broken heart. Because if this had happened a year down the road, or if they had actually tied the knot, then what? They’d be living in two different states because Libby would have come back to her daddy no matter what. Just like before. Only this time she was older, independent, more mature, and she had, once again, chosen her daddy over him. When would he learn?

  The hurt was like an old wound that had opened up, only to bleed even more.

  He checked his cell phone. He’d texted Lonnie as they’d exited the hospital and his friend should arrive soon. Then he could move out and not look back. Never look back.

  He’d gone through this before. He was wiser now, and better at burying his emotions. After all, he’d had a lot of practice.

  “It’s good to see you, Chance.” Doug was making his way into the great room, the sibling conference over. Libby’s brother looked ragged around the edges, like he’d been roused after a night of hard partying. He extended his hand and Chance rose to shake it.

  “I’m beat, so I’m going to go back to bed and get some shut-eye before visiting hours start at 10:00 a.m. By the looks of you, guess you should too. I’ll catch up with you and Libby then.”

  Doug continued to the hallway that led to the bedrooms and didn’t look back.

  Chance raised his gaze to where Libby was still sitting on the stool by the kitchen island. She was staring at him as if expecting him to say something. But he knew she wouldn’t like what he had to say.

  Libby’s heart took a tumble as she watched Chance slowly walk the distance to the kitchen island. The room had never seemed so big as it did waiting for him to approach.

  This situation with her father changed everything, and yet, she hoped it changed nothing between them.

  “We should get some shut-eye, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep.” She felt beat up, exhausted, and bruised, and yet, until she saw her father with her own eyes, she wasn’t sure her mind would let her body rest. Maybe if Chance held her in his arms, she could sleep.

  He was staring straight at her as he approached, but it was as if he didn’t see her but was seeing through her. Something told her this wasn’t going to go well, and yet, she still hoped.

  “I’ll be heading out. Lonnie should be here shortly.”

  Libby tried to absorb that news, but she didn’t want to think what that might mean. “I need you, Chance.” It was the truth, and Libby was in no shape to equivocate.

  He shook his head, denying her words.

  “You’ve got your brother. Your father is going to be okay, Libby. You’re just tired.”

  She rose off the stool and moved to hug him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, his warm body felt solid and strong. She felt safe, anchored. He had to stay.

  “This changes nothing between us, Chance.” She wanted him to understand that.

  “You already said you’d be staying here.”

  She rested her cheek against his shoulder. “Yes, but you can just come here between rodeos instead of Colorado.”

  “My home is in Colorado, Libby.”

  He pulled back from her, and she could see from the emptiness in his eyes that he was moving on without her. Tears sprang to her eyes. So much had gone wrong in such a short time.

  “Home can be where you want it to be.”

  “You’ve made your decision to live your life here. Your father needs you.”

  “And I need you. I want more than a friends-with-benefits relationship. But I’ll take it if that’s all you’re offering, because I love you, Chance. But I have a father who needs me. Those two things needn’t be mutually exclusive. I don’t know why this has to be good-bye, because that’s what it feels like. Like you are saying good-bye.”

  Chance looked out over her shoulder as if there was something important written on the wall oven. “There’s no sense trying to make this into something it is never going to be, Libby. You’ve made your choice—”

  “This isn’t a choice. I’m not walking out on you. I just need to be here for my father.”

  “For how long? And if it’s just so we can have sex once in a while, is that really what you want? What you would settle for? You deserve better than what I’m going to give you.”

  “I don’t know why you can’t give me more, like another chance. I have tried so hard to be there for you. And I am still here for you. But he’s my father, Chance. And he needs me. And that should be okay.”

  If Chance loved her, wouldn’t it be okay? He should understand. But then, he never had a family who loved him and whom he loved.

  “This time it is clearly not about your father. It’s about us. And I just don’t see how it will work. My ranch
is not just a place to hang my hat. It’s everything I’ve worked for. It’s a place no one can take away from me. It’s someplace I can call home, and that’s a big deal for someone who has never had one. It means a lot to me.”

  “In time, if we can work things out and we decided to get married, I’d move. All I’m asking for is more time to work things out. To find our future.”

  “And then if your father has another attack? Being on the road all the time is crazy enough. Living in two separate states is not going to work. We have too many issues to overcome to even get to that point. You know that in your heart.”

  A blare from a horn sounded from the street.

  “I don’t know that, and I’m not going to make it easy for you to walk away. I do know you don’t understand, having had the parents you did, but family means something to me. I’ll find a way to work it out. I’m not giving up on us.” She couldn’t. She loved him.

  Another honk.

  “That’s Lonnie. I’ve got to go.”

  Libby tightened her arms around Chance and pressed her lips to his, hoping he would return the kiss. He not only kissed her back but took it deeper.

  She had to find a way to his heart. She had to keep trying. This couldn’t be good-bye.

  He broke the kiss, and she stepped back, tears trailing down her cheek.

  “It’s not over, Chance. I won’t let it be.”

  His eyes held sadness. “You have to learn to accept what you cannot change. I have.”

  He turned away, gathered his hat from near Cowboy, and gave the cat a farewell pat before heading out the door. When it slammed, Cowboy let out a plaintive meow. Libby knew just how he felt.