What happens when it eats chocolate? If a cow eats onions, its milk will taste like onions.
BEER STINKS
Researchers: Chemist Malcolm Forbes, University of North Carolina
Subject: Beer
What He Learned: Have you ever opened a bottle beer and noticed that it smells “skunky?” Dr. Forbes studied hops, the ingredient that gives beer much of its taste, and found that after exposure to light, a chemical reaction in the hops molecules results in the production of a compound called a thiol. Another place thiols can be found: in a skunk’s spray gland. “Of course,” says Forbes, a beer connoisseur who was happy to do the study, “the best solution we offer is to drink your beer as fast as possible.”
REDHEADED WOMEN ARE MORE SENSITIVE
Researcher: Dr. Edwin Liem, University of Louisville
Subjects: Redheads and brunettes
What He Learned: Anesthesiologists have said it for decades: they have to use more anesthetic to put a redhead “under.” Now they have proof. Dr. Liem gave a group of women common anesthetic drugs and monitored their reflex movements in response to being pricked with needles. He found that red-haired women needed 20% more of the drug to numb their pain reflexes completely. Doctors think it may be caused by a genetic glitch in redheads related to melanin, a pigment that affects skin and hair color.
LONDON CABBIES HAVE BIGGER BRAINS
Researchers: Scientists at University College London
Subjects: Taxi drivers
What They Learned: To get a license to drive the traditional black cab in London, drivers have to pass a very rigorous test called “The Knowledge.” Those that do are known to be excellent navigators. This study showed something else: after giving 49 drivers MRI brain scans, researchers noticed that the drivers had an enlarged hippocampus—the part of the brain associated with navigation in birds and other animals. And even more amazingly, like a muscle, the more it’s used, the larger it grows. Longtime cabbie David Cohen was surprised by the results: “I never noticed part of my brain growing. It makes you wonder what happened to the rest of it.”
The beer-drinkingest state: Nevada, at 35 gallons per capita. Least beer-imbibing state: Utah, right next door, at 13 gallons per person each year.
STRANGE LAWSUITS
Here are more real-life examples of unusual legal battles.
THE PLAINTIFF: Paula Blum, 54-year-old mother
THE DEFENDANT: Ephraim Blum, her son
THE LAWSUIT: After years of trying (and failing) to get alimony payments from her ex-husband, Blum switched tactics—she sued her son. Not for alimony, though: Blum used the Family Law Reform Act, which states that upon reaching adulthood, a child has an obligation to give his parents financial assistance.
THE VERDICT: Incredibly, the court found in her favor, ordering Ephraim to pay his mother $270 a month for life.
THE PLAINTIFF: Gerald Mayo
THE DEFENDANT: Satan and His Staff
THE LAWSUIT: Alleging that Satan had deliberately made his life miserable, placed obstacles in his path, and plotted his doom, Mayo sued the Prince of Darkness in federal court. On what charges? Civil rights violations. Mayo claimed that Satan had “deprived him of his constitutional rights.”
THE VERDICT: Case dismissed. The judge expressed doubt over whether the defendant was actually a resident of the judicial district and noted that Mayo hadn’t included instructions on how to serve Satan with the necessary papers.
THE PLAINTIFF: Ralph Forbes, of Russellville, Arkansas
THE DEFENDANTS: The National Department of Education, the Russellville School District, the High Priests of Secular Humanism, the Communist Party of the USA, the Church of Satan, the Anti-Christ, and Satan, God of This World System
THE LAWSUIT: In 1986, outraged that schools around Little Rock were sponsoring Halloween celebrations, Forbes—a local pastor and candidate for U.S. senator—decided to sue on behalf of Jesus Christ and children everywhere. Calling Halloween activities “rites of Satan,” he was determined to stop them.
The Devil’s advocate, attorney John Wesley Hall, Jr., argued that the suit should be dismissed because Forbes had failed to prove that Satan owned property or wrote contracts in Arkansas.
THE VERDICT: Case dismissed.
THE PLAINTIFF: An anonymous 19-year-old man
THE DEFENDANT: The New York City Transit Authority
THE LAWSUIT: The man tried to commit suicide by jumping off a subway platform into the path of an oncoming train. He lost one arm, a leg, and part of his other arm—but not his life. Frustrated with the futile attempt, the man filed suit against the Transit Authority. His claim: “The motorman was negligent in not stopping the train quickly enough.”
THE VERDICT: Settled out of court for $650,000. While they were negotiating the settlement, the man tried suicide again, using the same method as before—and once again was unsuccessful. (No word on whether he filed a second lawsuit.)
THE PLAINTIFF: “Josef M.”, a 62-year-old German man
THE DEFENDANT: Josef M.’s butcher
THE LAWSUIT: Josef M. sued his butcher for $790…for selling him a loaded bratwurst. He claimed the sausage exploded as he bit into it, and hot fat squirted into his mouth, burning it and the inside of his throat. His major complaint: “I couldn’t kiss for four weeks,” he said.
THE VERDICT: The court rejected the claim as frivolous.
THE PLAINTIFF: Robert Paul Rice, an inmate
THE DEFENDANT: Utah State Prison
THE LAWSUIT: Rice sued the prison for violating his religious freedom, claiming that he listed “the Vampire Order” as his religion and should have his religious needs provided for. According to the suit, prison officials failed to provide a “vampire diet” (only grains and vegetables—no meat) or a “vampress” with whom he could partake in “the vampiric sacrament.” Lawyers for the prison argued that it provides five diets to choose from and “vampire” isn’t one of them. And a “vampress?” Sorry, prisons in Utah do not allow conjugal visits.
THE VERDICT: Rice lost. The court ruled that the case “raised questions that are so insubstantial as not to merit consideration.”
Foggiest place on the U.S. West Coast: Cape Disappointment, WA (107 days per year).
YOU’VE GOT MAIL!
Like anyone with an e-mail address, the BRI gets a lot of unsolicited mail that seems unbelievable. We looked into claims made by some of them, and here’s what we found.
YOU’VE GOT MAIL:
To: Everyone
From: [email protected]
Subject: The potential killers among us
This is a genuine test used by a famous psychologist to test whether you have the mind of a killer: While at the funeral of her mother, a girl met a guy and instantly fell in love with him. A few days later, the girl killed her own sister. Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Answer: She hoped he would show up at the next funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
ORIGIN: This e-mail began circulating in May 2002.
THE TRUTH: It’s fake. Even psychologists can’t predict whether a person is a psychopath. So how could this one-question quiz?
YOU’VE GOT MAIL:
To: Concerned parents
From: [email protected]
Subject: BAN BREAST-FEEDING NOW
Over 200,000 Americans have signed a petition urging Congress to declare breast-feeding unlawful. This primitive ritual violates babies’ civil rights and fosters an incestuous relationship between mother and child. Breast-feeding teaches children illicit sex, resulting in an addiction to promiscuity. The Republican Convention must ban it now. Republicans: Choose a candidate who supports our cause!
Tess Hennessy, Founder-Director
Citizens Against Breast-Feeding
ORIGIN: This e-mail first appeared in the weeks leading up to the Republican National Convention in August 2000.
The Thousand Islands of New York and Ontari
o actually number about 1,500.
THE TRUTH: It’s fake. The e-mail included a phone number that turned out to be the number of Spencer Publications, the publisher of several books on hoaxes…just like this one.
YOU’VE GOT MAIL:
To: Beer lovers everywhere
From: [email protected]
Subject: Free beer for the New Year
We at Miller Brewing would like to make a special New Year’s offer to our valued customers: If this e-mail makes it to 2,000,000 people by 12:00 P.M. on New Year’s Eve of 1999, we will send each e-mailer a coupon for one free six-pack of any Miller beverage.
Enjoy, and Cheers,
Gary D. Anderson, Chief Marketing Director
Miller Brewing Company, Inc.
ORIGIN: It first appeared just before New Year’s Eve 1999.
THE TRUTH: It was a fake, and a pretty obvious one at that—how could Miller ever “card” all 2,000,000 e-mailers to make sure they were old enough to drink their free beer? “We are the victims of this online prank,” says a company spokesperson.
YOU’VE GOT MAIL:
To: CD owners everywhere
From: [email protected]
Subject: CD price-fixing settlement—Register now!
Compact disc distributors and retailers settled a lawsuit filed by 41 states, and have agreed to pay out $44 million in refunds to customers who purchased any CDs between 1995 and 2000. If you bought a CD or cassette during this time, all you have to do to claim your share is go to the CD settlement website and register online.
ORIGIN: This e-mail began circulating in September 2002.
THE TRUTH: It’s actually true—there really was a lawsuit and a $44 million cash settlement. The bad news: The deadline to register was March 5, 2003, so if you didn’t sign up, you missed the boat. What’d you miss? Only about $12.60, so don’t feel too bad.
Average age of a new grandparent in the U.S.: 47.
DUMB JOCKS?
More verbally challenged sports stars.
“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
—Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins
“Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.”
—Charles Shackleford, NCSU basketball player
“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse’. I’m not a recluse.”
—Boxer Mike Tyson, on writer Wallace Matthews
“In terms of European athletes she is currently second. A Cuban leads the rankings.”
—Paul Dickenson, BBC commentator
“We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. I just can’t figure out where else to play.”
—Pat Williams, Orlando Magic GM, on his team’s poor record
“It’s almost like we have ESPN.”
—Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy play together
“Me and George and Billy are two of a kind.”
—N.Y. Yankee Mickey Rivers, on his relationship with George Steinbrenner and Billy Martin
“I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big-name pitcher. He said, ‘Dave Wehrmeister’s got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you?’”
—Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner
“Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.”
—Bill Peterson, football coach
“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
—George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back
“Raise the urinals.”
—Darrel Chaney, Atlanta shortstop, on how management could keep the Braves on their toes
In an average day, Canada imports 822 hockey sticks from Russia.
OOPS!
More blunders and screwups to make you feel all smug and superior.
HAPPY MEAL
Washington, D.C., June 2002—“Benjamin Crevier recently got a personal invitation from U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney to a $2,500-a-plate dinner with President George W. Bush. Ben, who is five years old, wrote back to decline, saying he had only $11.97 in his piggy bank.”
—The North County (Maryland) Times
HOMEWRECKERS
“A wrecking crew that was supposed to demolish an abandoned house accidentally plowed a bulldozer into the headquarters of a group that had tried for months to preserve it. The Dade Heritage Trust had failed to save the 102-year-old home of pioneer doctor James M. Jackson, located next door to the trust’s headquarters. But the bulldozer operator made a wrong turn, taking out a porch column, a window and roof tiles of the trust’s headquarters. ‘What can I say?’ said Jesus Ramos, bulldozer operator and owner of Shark Wrecking. ‘It was an accident.’”
—Associated Press
NOT THAT KIND OF GRASS
“In December 2002, Chicago police got an anonymous tip that a major consignment of illegal drugs was being moved in a truck. When officers stopped the vehicle, they found two small plastic bags with crushed green plants thought to be marijuana. Lab tests found no drugs were present. The ‘marijuana’ turned out to be hay from a church Nativity scene.”
—The National Post, Canada
ARMED AND DANGEROUS
“A suspect picked the wrong vehicle to carjack in Hollywood Sunday. Los Angeles police say the suspect took one car, then pulled into a gas station, ditched the vehicle and tried to take a minivan. Big mistake. The minivan was full of judo wrestlers from Florida International University, who were in town to teach a self-defense class. The wrestlers punched the man in the face and hit him from behind, then held him until police arrived. The suspect was jailed on felony charges.”
—Los Angeles Times
Experts say the average person spends 30 years mad at a family member.
OFF WITH THEIR HEAD
“Officials at England’s York Dungeon Museum of Horrors are looking for the visitor who purchased an authentic human skull in the museum’s gift shop. The skull was accidentally placed on a bookshelf while an exhibit was being renovated. Someone apparently mistook the real skull for one of the replica skulls sold in the gift shop…and sold it as a souvenir.”
—Reuters
EGG ON HIS FACE
“A 30-year-old plumber from Perugia in central Italy came up with a novel way of proposing to his girlfriend: He ordered a chocolate Easter egg with an expensive engagement ring, featuring a huge diamond and three rubies set in gold, placed inside. The young man then presented his beloved with the egg, a traditional Easter gift in that part of Italy. He didn’t say anything to the girl, wanting her to open it on her own and experience the surprise of her life. Several days went by with no response from the girl, so he finally asked her if she had enjoyed his present. What he heard left him speechless. The girl explained she did not like dark chocolate, of which the egg was made, so she went to a nearby café and exchanged it for an identical egg made of milk chocolate.
“The two rushed to the café, but learned the egg had already been sold to another customer. No trace of the egg or the ring was ever found.”
—Financial Times
“OH LORD, WON’T YOU BUY ME A…”
“When a gold Mercedes-Benz sports sedan was delivered by mistake to Ruth Shepard’s driveway in Uniondale, New York, in May 2002, she thought it was a surprise Mother’s Day present. A short time later, she was arrested for resisting police officers’ attempts to get the car back to its rightful owner.”
—Universal Press Syndicate
Some snakes can go an entire year without eating.
GRANNY DUMPING
How do doctors, nurses, and other hospital workers deal with the stress of being exposed to illness and death on a daily basis? They come up with irreverent, occasionally morbid—and very funny—terms for what goes on in the hospital every day.
Blood Suckers: People who take blood samples, e.g., nurses or laboratory technicians
Gassers: Anesthetists
R
ear Admiral: Proctologist
AGA: Acute Gravity Attack—the patient fell over
AGMI: Ain’t Gonna Make It
Coffin Dodger: A patient the hospital staff thought was going to die, but didn’t
Gone Camping: A patient in an oxygen tent
Shotgunning: Ordering lots of tests, in the hope that one of them will identify what is wrong with a patient
GPO: Good For Parts Only
D&D: Divorced and Desperate; someone who isn’t sick but comes to the hospital because they need attention
CTD: Circling the drain, or close to death
Rule of Five: If more than five of the patient’s orifices have tubes running out of them, they’re CTD.
UBI: Unexplained Beer Injury
Pop Drop/Granny Dumping: Checking an elderly relative into an emergency room, just so you can go on vacation without them
ECU: “Eternal Care Unit” (deceased), as in: “He’s gone to the ECU.”
DBI: Dirt Bag Index—a mathematical formula: the number of a patient’s tattoos times the number of missing teeth equals the number of days since they last bathed.
VIP: Very Intoxicated Person
Hand Them a Bible So They Can Study for the Final: They’re going to die.
UNIVAC: Unusually Nasty Infection; Vultures Are Circling
Eating In: Feeding by way of an intravenous tube
GTTL: Gone To The Light (deceased)
Silver Bracelet Award: A patient brought in wearing handcuffs
Bathroom fact: The average water temperature for showers in the U.S. is 105°F.
WORD ORIGINS
Ever wonder where words come from?
Here are some more interesting stories.
PANDEMONIUM
Meaning: Wild and noisy disorder or confusion
Origin: “John Milton’s word for the capital of Hell in Paradise Lost (1667). He wrote it as ‘Pandaemonium’—meaning “all demons” in Greek—having no idea that in the 19th century the word would mean ‘uproar.’ So when, as he also wrote, ‘All Hell broke loose,’ all the demons in Hell were scattered, marking the disintegration of the infernal city.” (From The Secret Lives of Words, by Paul West)
Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader Page 41