* * *
BUT I’M NOT A ZOMBIE!
In Johannesburg, South Africa, in 1993 Sipho William Mdletshe was severely injured in a traffic accident and was declared dead… but he wasn’t. Mdletshe, 24, spent two days interred in a metal box in a mortuary until his cries eventually convinced mortuary workers something was wrong. They opened the box and found him still alive, but it was too late—Mdletshe’s life was ruined. His fiancée believed him to be a zombie who came back from the dead to haunt her…and refused to see him ever again.
THE LAST PAGE
FELLOW BATHROOM READERS:
The fight for good bathroom reading should never be taken loosely—we must do our duty and sit firmly for what we believe in, even while the rest of the world is taking pot shots at us.
We’ll be brief: now that we’ve proven we’re not simply a flush-in-the-pan, we invite you to take the plunge: Sit Down and Be Counted! Become a member of the Bathroom Readers’ Institute. Send a self-addressed, stamped, business-sized envelope to: BRI, PO Box 1117, Ashland, Oregon 97520. You’ll receive your free membership card, receive discounts when ordering directly through the BRI, and earn a permanent spot on the BRI honor roll!
If you like reading our books…
VISIT THE BRI’S WEBSITE!
www.bathroomreader.com
• Visit “The Throne Room”—a great place to read!
• Receive our irregular newsletters via email
• Submit your own articles and ideas
• Order additional Bathroom Readers
• Become a BRI member Go with the Flow…
Well, we’re out of space, and when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. Tanks for all your support. Hope to hear from you soon. Meanwhile, remember:
Keep on flushin’!
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Our “Regular” Readers Rave!
Copyright
Thank You!
Contents
Introduction
BATHROOM NEWS
Short
Bathroom News
Happy Toilets
Medium
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Let’s Play Toilet Golf
File Under “Underwear”
Toilet Tech
The Doo-Doo Man
Uncle John’s Stall of Shame
Long
This Old (Out)house
The Outhouse Detectives
THE NAME GAME
Short
Fun With Names
Medium
Name That Sleuth
Name That Country
Founding Fathers
Founding (hic!) Fathers
A BLUNDERFUL LIFE
Short
What’s the Number for 911?
Medium
Oops!
Crème de la Crud
Fabulous Flops
Curtains!
Oops!
World-Class Losers
MYTHS & LEGENDS
Short
Not What They Seem to Be
Myth-Conceptions
Medium
Hoaxmeister
Cat Tales
Urban Legends
You’ve Got Mail!
The Ice Worm Cometh
Long
Classic Publicity Stunts
Urban Legends
Coyote Rings the Wrong Bell
AMERICANA
Short
Divorce, Prospector-Style
The Way of the Hobo
Medium
Filthy Water People
The Dustbin of History
Chair-leaders
Long
Land of the Giants
Free With Purchase
BUSINESS
Short
(B)Ad Promotions
Pleased to Meat You
Medium
Space, Inc
Uncle John’s Second Favorite Roll
Weird-Mart
Funny Business
The Bigger They Are
Long
At the Auction
* The Worst Business Decision in U.S. History
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Short
Things You Didn’t Know About WWII
Management Expects
Medium
The Mad Bomber, Part I
The Mad Bomber, Part II
Long
The Great Brinks Robbery
The Lady of the Lines
Intrepid: Master Spy
* The French Foreign Legion
ORIGINS
Short
Household Origins
Medium
True Glue
Everyday Objects
Jumping for Joy
Long
How Paper Became Money, Part I
How Paper Became Money, Part II
PHRASES & WORD ORIGINS
Short
Word Origins
Medium
Familiar Phrases
Tawk O’ Da Town
Familiar Phrases
Word Origins
ANIMALS
Short
Chicken Nuggets
The Bugs and the Bees
The Cat’s Meow
Medium
Die-Hard Chicken
Animal Name Origins
Heroic Birds
Long
Kibble Me This
CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS
Short
Wedding Trivia
Animal Superstitions
Cure For What Ails Ye
Food Superstitions
Medium
Maneki Neko
Card-Playing Superstitions
Now They Tell Us
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Short
Icky Licky Sticks
How to Cook a Porcupine
Medium
Today’s Menu
What’s A Jeraboam?
Long
Birth of the Bagel
LAW & ORDER
Short
Dumb Crooks of the Old West
Go Directly to Jail
Dumb Crooks
Medium
Celebrity Lawsuits
Strange Lawsuits
Dumb Crooks
Real Toys of the CIA
Celebrity Lawsuits
Strange Lawsuits
Long
* The Federal Witness Protection Program
Not-So-Wiseguys
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
Lonely Phone Booth
Phone Phunnies
Medium
You Call This Art?
It’s a Weird, Weird World
Lucky Finds
Weird Canada
I Got It Back!
The Santa Chronicles
It’s a Weird, Weird World
Ironic, Isn’t It?
This Is…UJNN
Long
Revenge!
IT’S A CONSPIRACY!
Short
Conspiracy Theory
Medium
The Paranoid’s Field Guide to Secret Societies
Long
Moon Scam?
* Who Killed Jimi Hendrix?
THAT’S DEATH
Short
Famous Last Words
The Last Laugh: Epitaphs
Reading Tombstones
Medium
A Passing Fancy
“Paging Mr. Post”
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Made a Fortune
Lost a Fortune
Medium
Sorry About That
Celebrity Rumors
Missing Parts
Sorry (Not Really)
Exile on Easy Street
Long
Before They Were Infamous
A Lot to Lose
The Adventures of Eggplant
POLITICS
Short
Politalks
Medium
The Rhinoceros Party
“Extremism in the Defense of Liberty”
King of Canada
Long
Famous Close Calls
The Birth of the Democratic Party
“Let Us Begin Anew”
The Rise and Fall of the Whigs
* Join the Party: The Republicans
POP SCIENCE
Short
That’s Rich!
Let’s Do a Study!
Cool Billions
Diseases That Just Won’t Die
Medium
Q & A: Ask the Experts
The Time It Takes
The Ig Nobel Prizes
Rise of the Machines
Q & A: Ask the Experts
Simple Solutions
According to the Latest Research
Q & A: Ask the Experts
Long
More Simple Solutions
POP-POURRI
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Little Things Mean a Lot
Dubious Achievers
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
I Love the ‘80s!
How’d You Meter?
If Murphy Were A
The Hollywood Quiz
Little Things Mean a Lot
I Love the ‘80s!
Medium
Local Heroes
Pop Culture Quiz
One-of-a-Kind Hotels
Bets You Can’t Lose
Eh Two, Canada?
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Comic Relief
Money Talks
What is Love?
Buddha’s Wisdom
Unscripted
Wise Women
Comic Relief, Too
Sweet Success!
Mead’s Creed
Back in the Saddle
Peter’s Principles
Chanisms
SPORTS & AMUSEMENTS
Short
First Editions
Dumb Jocks?
Dumb Jocks?
Medium
Diamond Gems
Fore!
More Diamond Gems
Long
Lacrosse
Ante Up!
MUSIC
Short
The Who?
On Tour With Elvis
Medium
Behind the Hits
The Glass Armonica
Long
Eatin’ the Tin Sandwich
* Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band
THE REEL STUFF
Short
Box Office Bloopers
Crème de la Crud
Medium
Life Imitates Art
Chan the Man
Long
The Wilhelm Scream
Return of the Sequel
WORDPLAY
Short
Come Hear Bertha Belch
Flubbed Headlines
Amazing Anagrams
The Man From C.R.A.P
I’ve Been Cornobbled!
Groaners
Driver Sleeping
Limericks
Return of the Man From C.R.A.P
Poker Lingo
Granny Dumping
A Pig in Pink Tights
Brainteasers
Medium
Le Hot Dog?
Sam’s Brainteasers
News Corrections
WINGS
Short
Just Plane Weird
Medium
The Fabulous Flying Flea
Aero-Nuts
Winging It
Long
Flying Flops
Birth of the Helicopter
TV OR NOT TV
Short
Primetime Proverbs
Star Trek Wisdom
Neighborhood Gossip
Medium
Made in Japan: Weird Game Shows
The Sopranos Quiz
Where There’s a Will… There’s Grace
Host With the Most
Long
America’s First Reality TV Show
So Long, Neighbor
WHAT A DISASTER
Short
Hurricanes 101
Medium
The Halifax Explosion
Hurricane Hazel
Eye of the Hurricane
Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader Page 57