Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader

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Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader Page 57

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

* * *

  BUT I’M NOT A ZOMBIE!

  In Johannesburg, South Africa, in 1993 Sipho William Mdletshe was severely injured in a traffic accident and was declared dead… but he wasn’t. Mdletshe, 24, spent two days interred in a metal box in a mortuary until his cries eventually convinced mortuary workers something was wrong. They opened the box and found him still alive, but it was too late—Mdletshe’s life was ruined. His fiancée believed him to be a zombie who came back from the dead to haunt her…and refused to see him ever again.

  THE LAST PAGE

  FELLOW BATHROOM READERS:

  The fight for good bathroom reading should never be taken loosely—we must do our duty and sit firmly for what we believe in, even while the rest of the world is taking pot shots at us.

  We’ll be brief: now that we’ve proven we’re not simply a flush-in-the-pan, we invite you to take the plunge: Sit Down and Be Counted! Become a member of the Bathroom Readers’ Institute. Send a self-addressed, stamped, business-sized envelope to: BRI, PO Box 1117, Ashland, Oregon 97520. You’ll receive your free membership card, receive discounts when ordering directly through the BRI, and earn a permanent spot on the BRI honor roll!

  If you like reading our books…

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  • Visit “The Throne Room”—a great place to read!

  • Receive our irregular newsletters via email

  • Submit your own articles and ideas

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  • Become a BRI member Go with the Flow…

  Well, we’re out of space, and when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. Tanks for all your support. Hope to hear from you soon. Meanwhile, remember:

  Keep on flushin’!

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Our “Regular” Readers Rave!

  Copyright

  Thank You!

  Contents

  Introduction

  BATHROOM NEWS

  Short

  Bathroom News

  Happy Toilets

  Medium

  Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

  Let’s Play Toilet Golf

  File Under “Underwear”

  Toilet Tech

  The Doo-Doo Man

  Uncle John’s Stall of Shame

  Long

  This Old (Out)house

  The Outhouse Detectives

  THE NAME GAME

  Short

  Fun With Names

  Medium

  Name That Sleuth

  Name That Country

  Founding Fathers

  Founding (hic!) Fathers

  A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

  Short

  What’s the Number for 911?

  Medium

  Oops!

  Crème de la Crud

  Fabulous Flops

  Curtains!

  Oops!

  World-Class Losers

  MYTHS & LEGENDS

  Short

  Not What They Seem to Be

  Myth-Conceptions

  Medium

  Hoaxmeister

  Cat Tales

  Urban Legends

  You’ve Got Mail!

  The Ice Worm Cometh

  Long

  Classic Publicity Stunts

  Urban Legends

  Coyote Rings the Wrong Bell

  AMERICANA

  Short

  Divorce, Prospector-Style

  The Way of the Hobo

  Medium

  Filthy Water People

  The Dustbin of History

  Chair-leaders

  Long

  Land of the Giants

  Free With Purchase

  BUSINESS

  Short

  (B)Ad Promotions

  Pleased to Meat You

  Medium

  Space, Inc

  Uncle John’s Second Favorite Roll

  Weird-Mart

  Funny Business

  The Bigger They Are

  Long

  At the Auction

  * The Worst Business Decision in U.S. History

  FORGOTTEN HISTORY

  Short

  Things You Didn’t Know About WWII

  Management Expects

  Medium

  The Mad Bomber, Part I

  The Mad Bomber, Part II

  Long

  The Great Brinks Robbery

  The Lady of the Lines

  Intrepid: Master Spy

  * The French Foreign Legion

  ORIGINS

  Short

  Household Origins

  Medium

  True Glue

  Everyday Objects

  Jumping for Joy

  Long

  How Paper Became Money, Part I

  How Paper Became Money, Part II

  PHRASES & WORD ORIGINS

  Short

  Word Origins

  Medium

  Familiar Phrases

  Tawk O’ Da Town

  Familiar Phrases

  Word Origins

  ANIMALS

  Short

  Chicken Nuggets

  The Bugs and the Bees

  The Cat’s Meow

  Medium

  Die-Hard Chicken

  Animal Name Origins

  Heroic Birds

  Long

  Kibble Me This

  CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS

  Short

  Wedding Trivia

  Animal Superstitions

  Cure For What Ails Ye

  Food Superstitions

  Medium

  Maneki Neko

  Card-Playing Superstitions

  Now They Tell Us

  FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  Short

  Icky Licky Sticks

  How to Cook a Porcupine

  Medium

  Today’s Menu

  What’s A Jeraboam?

  Long

  Birth of the Bagel

  LAW & ORDER

  Short

  Dumb Crooks of the Old West

  Go Directly to Jail

  Dumb Crooks

  Medium

  Celebrity Lawsuits

  Strange Lawsuits

  Dumb Crooks

  Real Toys of the CIA

  Celebrity Lawsuits

  Strange Lawsuits

  Long

  * The Federal Witness Protection Program

  Not-So-Wiseguys

  LIFE IS STRANGE

  Short

  Lonely Phone Booth

  Phone Phunnies

  Medium

  You Call This Art?

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  Lucky Finds

  Weird Canada

  I Got It Back!

  The Santa Chronicles

  It’s a Weird, Weird World

  Ironic, Isn’t It?

  This Is…UJNN

  Long

  Revenge!

  IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

  Short

  Conspiracy Theory

  Medium

  The Paranoid’s Field Guide to Secret Societies

  Long

  Moon Scam?

  * Who Killed Jimi Hendrix?

  THAT’S DEATH

  Short

  Famous Last Words

  The Last Laugh: Epitaphs

  Reading Tombstones

  Medium

  A Passing Fancy

  “Paging Mr. Post”

  PUBLIC LIVES

  Short

  Made a Fortune

  Lost a Fortune

  Medium

  Sorry About That

  Celebrity Rumors

  Missing Parts

  Sorry (Not Really)

  Exile on Easy Street

  Long

  Before They Were Infamous

  A Lot to Lose

  The Adventures of Eggplant

  POLITICS

  Short

  Politalks


  Medium

  The Rhinoceros Party

  “Extremism in the Defense of Liberty”

  King of Canada

  Long

  Famous Close Calls

  The Birth of the Democratic Party

  “Let Us Begin Anew”

  The Rise and Fall of the Whigs

  * Join the Party: The Republicans

  POP SCIENCE

  Short

  That’s Rich!

  Let’s Do a Study!

  Cool Billions

  Diseases That Just Won’t Die

  Medium

  Q & A: Ask the Experts

  The Time It Takes

  The Ig Nobel Prizes

  Rise of the Machines

  Q & A: Ask the Experts

  Simple Solutions

  According to the Latest Research

  Q & A: Ask the Experts

  Long

  More Simple Solutions

  POP-POURRI

  Short

  You’re My Inspiration

  Little Things Mean a Lot

  Dubious Achievers

  Uncle John’s Page of Lists

  I Love the ‘80s!

  How’d You Meter?

  If Murphy Were A

  The Hollywood Quiz

  Little Things Mean a Lot

  I Love the ‘80s!

  Medium

  Local Heroes

  Pop Culture Quiz

  One-of-a-Kind Hotels

  Bets You Can’t Lose

  Eh Two, Canada?

  MOUTHING OFF

  Short

  Comic Relief

  Money Talks

  What is Love?

  Buddha’s Wisdom

  Unscripted

  Wise Women

  Comic Relief, Too

  Sweet Success!

  Mead’s Creed

  Back in the Saddle

  Peter’s Principles

  Chanisms

  SPORTS & AMUSEMENTS

  Short

  First Editions

  Dumb Jocks?

  Dumb Jocks?

  Medium

  Diamond Gems

  Fore!

  More Diamond Gems

  Long

  Lacrosse

  Ante Up!

  MUSIC

  Short

  The Who?

  On Tour With Elvis

  Medium

  Behind the Hits

  The Glass Armonica

  Long

  Eatin’ the Tin Sandwich

  * Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band

  THE REEL STUFF

  Short

  Box Office Bloopers

  Crème de la Crud

  Medium

  Life Imitates Art

  Chan the Man

  Long

  The Wilhelm Scream

  Return of the Sequel

  WORDPLAY

  Short

  Come Hear Bertha Belch

  Flubbed Headlines

  Amazing Anagrams

  The Man From C.R.A.P

  I’ve Been Cornobbled!

  Groaners

  Driver Sleeping

  Limericks

  Return of the Man From C.R.A.P

  Poker Lingo

  Granny Dumping

  A Pig in Pink Tights

  Brainteasers

  Medium

  Le Hot Dog?

  Sam’s Brainteasers

  News Corrections

  WINGS

  Short

  Just Plane Weird

  Medium

  The Fabulous Flying Flea

  Aero-Nuts

  Winging It

  Long

  Flying Flops

  Birth of the Helicopter

  TV OR NOT TV

  Short

  Primetime Proverbs

  Star Trek Wisdom

  Neighborhood Gossip

  Medium

  Made in Japan: Weird Game Shows

  The Sopranos Quiz

  Where There’s a Will… There’s Grace

  Host With the Most

  Long

  America’s First Reality TV Show

  So Long, Neighbor

  WHAT A DISASTER

  Short

  Hurricanes 101

  Medium

  The Halifax Explosion

  Hurricane Hazel

  Eye of the Hurricane

 

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