Yet did she want the burden of his love?
Carrie lowered her hand back to the railing and squinted against the sunshine. The awful truth was that she couldn’t afford to let her heart rule her head. She had Jesse to consider. If she truly cared for Jay, she couldn’t lead him on because the hard truth was she couldn’t let herself fall in love with a penniless groom.
“She’s got this class won,” Mary said in a loud voice.
Carrie glanced at her. “You think so?”
“Yes. Here’s the line-up.”
Five riders stopped their horses in a line facing the audience. Parked out right in front of them, Doolittle snorted and bobbed his head. Jesse settled into the saddle, stretched down her heels and smiled at them. Carrie’s heart burst with a mother’s pride. The judge started down the line inspecting each horse and rider, much as Mary had inspected Jesse in her lesson.
“She looked great!” Jay came up beside Carrie.
“I know.” She stared up at him.
He grinned, and shyly she glanced away as his hand covered hers on the rail.
When the class had been judged, horses and riders retired to the end of the arena to wait. Carrie hated waiting. Nerves made her feel sick. Her mouth was as dry as the hard Kentucky clay.
“Hurry up,” she murmured as if the judge could hear her.
Jay squeezed her hand. She looked up at him once more, and her heart rolled over in her chest. He was so dear. So caring. She couldn’t let this charade continue. She had to tell him that money mattered. Not to her, but for her daughter.
“And the winner is number two hundred and twenty-six,” the loudspeaker said, “Dr. Doolittle owned by Carrie Mercer of Louisville and ridden by Jessica Mercer.”
“Oh!” Carrie’s hand flew to her mouth.
“Yippee!” Jay vaulted the fence as the announcer finished speaking.
Mary clambered over the rail right behind him. Together they greeted the winning horse and rider in the middle of the open-air arena. Carrie watched as Mary clipped the blue ribbon on Doolittle’s brow band, and Jay wiped lather from the pony’s neck. Then they both stepped back while the victory picture was snapped. Jesse just beamed. Carrie beamed for her.
She met Jesse at the gate after the victory pass. “Congratulations.” The happiness bubbling within her made it hard to stop smiling at her child.
“Thanks!” The little girl was breathing hard. “Isn’t it wonderful? That’s my very first blue ribbon.”
Mary and Jay joined them. “You deserved the win,” Mary said. “Look at your nice trophy.”
She held up a silver plate as the small procession headed down the hill toward the stabling area.
“You really rode well,” Jay added his compliment as he trailed behind them.
Carrie turned her head to see him catching Doolittle’s long tail and tying it up in a knot to keep it from picking up bits of dirt. He winked at her. Self-conscious, Carrie offered a small grin and lowered her gaze to the gravel road. Jay had a way of making her feel like such a novice. Over the last few weeks, she’d grown accustomed to the way her heart fluttered when he was around, the way her stomach knotted because of his mere glance. She sighed to herself, determined to put a stop to the roller coaster emotions within her and tell him the truth.
* * * *
Carrie dipped her head, suddenly so subdued it made him anxious. At the same time, he relished the way the sunlight cavorted across the contours of her face. Her eyelashes were scant smudges against her cheeks, her sun-streaked blond hair hanging in a long braid down her back. She filled his senses and his heart.
At the barn Jay held Doolittle’s head while Jesse slipped to the ground. “I’m hot,” she complained.
Carrie stripped the wool riding coat off her daughter’s back as Jay led the pony into the stall. By the time he had finished scraping sweat off the animal, sponging him off, and throwing a cooler over his back, the stabling area had cleared. Only Carrie was left sitting in a canvas director’s chair where she sorted through Jesse’s cosmetic case.
“Where did everyone go?”
She looked up. “To watch the rest of the show.”
“Alone at last,” he bantered coming toward her.
Carrie grimaced. He ignored her scowl. Leaning over, he kissed her full on the lips.
“I’ve wanted to do that all week.” He straightened and noticed the expression of alarm in her eyes. “What? You don’t enjoy my kisses?” Jay cocked his head.
Her gaze slipped away. “It’s not that. I enjoy them too well.”
“Good. You had me worried.” Jay’s shoulders relaxed.
Carrie looked back at him. He saw her swallow. “Sit down,” she said, shutting the cosmetic case.
Jay plopped down on a small tack trunk beside her. “I feel a lecture coming on.”
Carrie held the handle of the cosmetic case as if it were a link to safety. Carefully, he removed it from her hands and placed it on the ground.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” Jay directed, suddenly sobering.
Her gaze returned to his. He saw her draw herself up, gathering courage.
“I’m afraid I may be leading you on,” she spoke softly.
Jay placed his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, looking at the ground. “How’s that?”
“You told me you thought you were falling in love.”
“I did and I am. I thought we agreed you wanted to be open to the possibility of falling in love with me too.”
Carrie shifted in the chair. “I do, but I can’t.”
“That doesn’t make a lot of sense,” he said gently.
She took a breath. “I care for you. You do something to me. I feel like a kid when I’m near you. A kid on her first date.”
“That’s the way I feel.”
“But I can’t let it happen,” Carrie explained. “I have Jesse.”
Jay sat back and studied her. He waited, his mouth set in a thin line.
Carrie’s eyes flickered. She took another deep breath. “What I’m trying to say is I just don’t have myself to think about. As much as I would love to be swept away, to be in love, I must consider Jesse’s welfare over what I want.”
“And Jesse’s welfare does not include you having a relationship with me,” Jay finished for her.
“I’m afraid not.” She avoided his eyes.
Jay ran a hand through his hair. This was too ironic to be funny. He suspected the reason behind her hesitation, but he wanted to hear it from her lips. “You didn’t mean it when you said you wanted to be open to a relationship?”
“I did, don’t you see?” Carrie sat forward now. Her hands trembled. “My heart was getting in the way of my head.”
“Is that so bad?”
“It is when you have a child to raise.”
“What is your head telling you?”
“It says that as much as I care about you, Jay, it’s not fair for me to lead you on when nothing can come of it,” Carrie said in one breath, quickly, as if she had to get the words out fast.
“And why is that?”
“I can barely take care of myself and my daughter. I can’t afford to become involved with someone, well, someone who makes a groom’s salary.”
Jay wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Too much money had been the bane of his former life. Now the lack of it was messing up this one. He felt as if he’d eaten too much spicy pizza and had drunk too much stale beer.
“I see.” That’s all he could say.
“I don’t want to lie to you or hurt you, Jay.” She appeared flustered now. “I just thought I should get it out in the open before things go too far.”
“I understand.”
“Jay, don’t look like that. I’m sorry.” She captured his hands in hers as if trying to make amends. They were cold, like the words she had just spoken.
But he wasn’t ready to give up. “I won’t always be a groom,” he told her and leveled his unyielding gaze into her wary eyes. “
I have other resources that I didn’t want to use for many reasons, but believe me, you’re giving me every incentive to rethink my priorities.”
“I know. It’s just that. . .” She didn’t complete her sentence.
Once again, he finished for her. “You’re afraid to take a chance. You don’t want your heart to lead.”
Her eyes grew moist, and she swallowed hard as if to fight back her emotion. “It’s just that over ten years ago I let my heart influence me. It led to a big mistake. Jesse is the result.”
Jay started to understand and gave her a sympathetic smile. “I bet it was the best mistake you ever made.”
She nodded silently. “Jesse.”
“Trust me. You won’t make a mistake by loving me,” Jay said with quiet conviction.
She squeezed his hands and looked back at him with wide eyes. “I’m trying to keep from hurting you.”
It finally sank in. She was ending their brief flirtation. Withdrawing his hands, he stood up. “Well, it’s not working.”
God, why did he sound so petulant? Retreating to where Jesse’s saddle sat on its pommel in the dirt, he began wiping lather from underneath the flaps. What a kick in the pants. He was glad Carter couldn’t see him now. His father would roll on the floor with laughter because he had broken Carter’s number one rule—never let a woman get to you.
Carrie’s cell phone played a loud, jingling ringtone, breaking the strained silence. Jay didn’t turn around as she answered it. He lifted the saddle and placed it in a tack trunk.
“Oh my, I’m stunned.” Jay heard Carrie say. “Thank you. Yes, I’ll call you Monday.”
He heard the snap as she closed the phone. Turning around, he found her face had paled beneath her tan. Quickly, he went to her. “Carrie, what’s wrong?” He grasped her hands, connecting to her. “Is it bad news?”
“No, it’s good news actually.” Her gaze leveled on his.
“Can you tell me?”
“My lawyer says someone has bought Tate’s business.”
“Did he say who?”
“No, he doesn’t know. He dealt with another lawyer.”
Jay was silent. He gently rubbed her hands with his thumbs. Her skin felt like soft velvet. After a long moment, he drew a deep breath. “I suppose this eases your financial pressure a little.”
She searched his face. “I guess so. I’ll have to think this through. It’s so sudden.”
“You’ll be able to keep Dr. Doolittle now.”
Carrie nodded. “Yes, I suppose so.”
“Maybe now you’ll be able to give me that chance I asked for.” His whisper was a plea from his heart. “Remember, I won’t always be a caretaker of horses. I’m ambitious.”
She hesitated. As if in slow motion she stood. Taking her hands from his, she slipped her arms around his neck. She felt so good. She smelled of suntan lotion. Jay clutched her to his chest. The rise and fall of her breast was like a welcome homecoming.
“Jay, taking a chance is hard for me,” Carrie murmured into his ear, “but at this moment, I’ll be happy to let my heart have its lead.”
Chapter Six
Wildwood Stables
Days later
“Have you ever ridden a five-gaited horse?” Jay asked.
“No.” Carrie looked steadily into his hazel eyes. She sensed his nearness, the soft touch of his breath upon her face, the tangy scent of his aftershave. She felt a familiar tug at her heart and a longing so large that made her insides ache.
“It’s easy, Mom,” Jesse spoke up.
Carrie turned an amused glance at her daughter who had just saved her from falling into an intimate situation, one she’d prefer to avoid at the moment. “Easy for you to say. You’re younger than I am.”
“Aw, c’mon. Don’t be afraid.”
Carrie knew she wasn’t actually afraid, just a bit nervous. She’d always wanted to ride Dr. Doolittle and try out his wonderful slow, four-beat gait. With Mary out of town, Jay had volunteered to teach her weekly riding lesson, so Carrie found herself standing next to this virile man and fighting to avoid what could become a compromising situation.
“You need to be a bit of a cowboy to ride a five-gaited horse.” Jay slid the stirrup iron down the leather with a sharp pop.
“Cowboy? I’ll disregard that politically incorrect remark.”
Jay rolled his eyes. “Okay, cowgirl. I’m ready for you to mount.”
“Yes, sir.” Carrie didn’t mind his good-natured ribbing.
Jay held the horse’s head. “You don’t need a leg-up do you?”
“No way!”
Doolittle, at just an inch short of full horse status, was able to compete as a pony in children’s classes. In all honesty, she could have used a leg-up, but Carrie was not sure she could survive the intimacy of one from Jay—not with her daughter watching. The thought of him touching her leg and tossing her into the saddle did crazy things to her insides. Carrie put her left foot into the stirrup and pulled herself into the saddle.
“Graceful,” Jay remarked under his breath.
“Oh, go shovel horse manure,” Carrie shot back.
He grinned up at her. Because she had made a conscious decision to let Jay into her life, Carrie felt a measure of control over the situation. Yet when he looked at her like that, she felt her hard-won control slipping. Allowing herself to fall in love was like learning to ride a horse—scary but exciting. Carrie experienced that excitement in the pit of her stomach, and it translated to her legs and hands. As if sensing her tension, Doolittle snorted. Gathering her reins, she nodded, and Jay released the bridle.
Carrie rode Doolittle into the indoor arena at an animated walk. Even the walk was hard for her to handle. After all these years, she was rusty. Doolittle was ready to go and curious, turning his head into the center of the arena like a nosey old maid. Carrie managed to straighten his head as she rode along the rail. She hadn’t ridden such a game horse since she quit showing as a kid. It didn’t take her long to gain a new respect for her daughter’s riding ability.
“Collect him up and ask him to trot,” Jay instructed.
Carrie glanced to where Jay stood in the center. Jesse was perched upon Mary’s teaching stool next to him. Somehow seeing them together touched her. Almost like it was meant to be. Not a replacement for Tate, surely. More like a big brother to love and guide her special child. Carrie swallowed her sentiment and with her legs, urged Doolittle into a trot. The pony sprang forward and all thought vanished as Carrie concentrated on posting and guiding.
As Carrie posted up and down and circled the indoor arena, Jay watched his new pupil with a fascination born of love. She retained her girlish figure and radiant beauty. He could hardly believe the trim woman, who pressed her knees into the saddle and stretched her heels down expertly, belonged in some small measure to him because they had agreed to date. His heart thudded like the beat of the trotting horse as he hastily ran a hand through his hair. What would it feel like to have those lanky legs straddle his body?
Jay was barely able to voice his next instructions because of the lack of air he found in his lungs. Fighting to regain his breath and fighting to quell his overactive imagination, he finally forced air back into his lungs. “Okay. You can walk now.”
“Thank goodness. Doolittle’s much harder to ride than I imagined.”
Jesse preened herself on the stool, smiling a knowing smile and puffing out her chest. Jay knew what she must be thinking. Jesse had won a blue ribbon on a horse that her mother found challenging. Horseback riding was proving a common denominator between mother and daughter.
He wished Carter would share his love of horses with his own daughter. Once, a long time ago, he and Carter had shared a passion for showing horses. It had never been enough because Jay had always felt the pressure to win, to be the best, to be Carter Preston’s son. But it had been something. Their relationship had changed after Carter had divorced Gloria’s mother. Jay had never forgiven him for that. Sure, he cou
ld accept his situation in his father’s life, but it was hard to stomach Carter’s disregard for the little girl.
But he didn’t want to think of that now.
Jay called out to Carrie, “When you set him up to slow gait, hold your reins apart, sit deep in your saddle, urge him with your legs, and cluck. Doolittle should do the rest.”
Carrie eyed him. “Okay.”
She seemed to gather up her nerve again and followed his instructions, the pony going forward with his four-beat gait, hooves striking the ground one at a time. Jay watched as surprise and then pleasure flitted across Carrie’s face. Then the intense concentration returned to her eyes as she bit her lip tensely, trying to keep her seat in the saddle.
“Now speed him up. Ask him to rack.”
Carrie glanced his way and then applied pressure with her legs, clucking loudly. Doolittle’s gentle amble increased into a full-fledged rack. Jay whistled and clapped his hands to make the pony go on faster.
“Ride `em, cowboy!” Jesse shouted and waved her hand as if she were swinging a lasso.
“Cowgirl,” Jay corrected, not hiding his grin.
Jesse stuck her tongue out at him. She could be as spunky as her mom, and Jay felt a surge of love for both of them. Surely, the thousands of dollars Jay had spent for Tate Mercer’s business was worth it.
Carrie rode up and stopped in front of him after the lesson. “Good ride.” Jay’s words of praise settled between them.
“Thanks.”
Their looks connected. She was slightly winded, but flushed with the excitement and effort of the ride. Jay perceived her excitement as if it transmitted to him along some mysterious connector. He shook off the tight feeling in his belly, stepping forward to play horse show judge.
“When you’re in the line-up, you must remember to press your knees into the saddle.” He touched her right knee to show her what to do. “And lower your heels.”
Kentucky Groom Page 5