Carter’s gaze shifted over Jay’s face as if assessing where he stood. “I can understand why you’d say that.” He glanced away. “However, I have been trying to do a better job of parenting.”
A chill of disbelief ran down Jay’s spine. “Why the change of heart?”
Carter looked at him again. “When I almost lost you, I realized a lot of things.”
Jay stood his ground. “Like what?”
“I realized I had been a bad father to you and that maybe you’d never forgive me.”
“Go on.”
“I realized I had a little girl I hardly knew, and with another child on the way . . . .”
Jay wasn’t surprised. “Congratulations,” he said but didn’t mean it.
Carter winced at Jay’s bitter tone, but continued, “I decided I wasn’t too old to turn over a new leaf.”
“Congratulations.” What did Carter want? Did he want him to strike up a band to play a victory march? He stood his ground, hostile and skeptical.
Carter nodded as if he expected this reaction. “If you can, son, drop by and see Gloria. She’ll be pleased. She has missed you.”
“I’ll try.”
Carter turned to leave. “Good bye, son.”
“Did you bring your wife?”
“No. This was just a trip for Gloria and me,” Carter told him.
Jay watched him disappear into the crowd. His mind was a jumble of emotions. Wiping a sweaty palm on his jeans, he turned to find Carrie staring at him as if he were some sort of two-headed monster.
Chapter Fifteen
“The man was trying to apologize.” Carrie wore a look of scowling disapproval on her face. “Why did you make it so hard for him?”
On guard immediately, Jay refused to justify his actions. Hell, he hardly understood them himself. “You don’t know that.”
There was a quick narrowing of her eyes before she turned away.
“Wait a minute.” Jay caught her by the arm. “Don’t leave me like that.”
Whipping around, Carrie met his eyes directly. “You are so blind. Carter may not have intended to apologize, but he is making an effort with Gloria. Do you think that woman we met in Lexington would stay home unless Carter had put his foot down? He wanted time alone with his daughter.”
Jay’s brow furrowed. “Buying her an expensive horse and bringing her to Louisville? That’s not making a change. Carter was always buying me expensive horses.”
Her hands clenched into fists, Carrie lifted her chin. “Maybe that’s the only way he knows how to say he loves her.”
“Damn fine way to express it. Love is not money. I’ve heard you say that.”
“It certainly helps, though, doesn’t it?”
She was talking about them, about their marriage. The sound of sarcasm in her words made his heart wrench. He turned his troubled gaze from her. Sickened with mind-boggling regret, he had to acknowledge the truth. He’d bungled everything. He had tried to buy Carrie’s love. That made him no better than his father.
“You certainly have no qualms about taking what I offer.”
Carrie took a step backwards as if he’d just slapped her. She squared her shoulders and looked him straight in the eye.
“You’re a pigheaded fool, Jay Preston. You can’t see the forest for the trees where your father is concerned. Carter is not perfect. At least he’s making an effort. Sometimes I think Jesse is older than you are.”
Jay froze. What was wrong with him? She was right. Trying to hurt his wife wasn’t very mature.
As she glared at him, Jay drank in the sensual beauty of her blue eyes, her dark lashes and brows tantalizing against her clear complexion. He wanted to cup her face in his hands and smooth the fine texture of the skin along her cheeks. He wanted to feel the long line of her body against his. He wanted her to be open and caring all the time, not just at night when they turned out the lights and made love.
What he wanted he couldn’t have. Instead, Jay was smack dab in a nightmare of his own making, viewing with dismay a wife who would always be a wife in name only.
“I’ve left Jesse long enough.” Carrie turned on her heel. “I’ve got to get back.”
Jay stood shaking, confused. He took a deep breath, his hands curling and relaxing by his side. Instead of following her, Jay spun around and headed the other way. He would find Barn T and Gloria. At the moment, it was the only thing that made sense to him.
* * * *
Hot sunshine hit his face as Jay left the air-conditioned building. For some reason, he relished the intense heat that sucked out all the tension from his body. His brain did double time as he walked toward the permanent horse barn complex.
Jay clung to his righteous indignation as if it were some precious jewel. He had the right to hold a grudge against his father. The man had deserted him and his mother, making her life miserable.
Yet he recognized something pathetically sad in his father, and it bothered him. Just as Carrie’s anger bothered him. What had she said? Carter wasn’t perfect. No parent is perfect. They all struggle to do their best. Part of Jay didn’t believe her—didn’t want to believe her. It would change his view of Carter to consider him as a flawed adult, trying to do the best for his child. No, the Carter he remembered was selfish and never around long enough for him to believe in that scenario.
Perspiration lined his lip. He squinted against the sun. Granted, Carter’s money had always been there. Not his emotional support, but his financial. And that had made his and Martha’s lives easier. He had to give his father that much credit, even though it pained him to do so. Money couldn’t buy love.
At a concession stand, a little boy was buying a pink fluff of cotton candy. Jay noticed the child and his mother pull a piece of fluff from the stick. As he crossed the road and headed into the horse barn complex, Jay thought about Carter’s love for him. It was short-lived like the little boy’s cotton candy, enticing but quick to dissolve in the mouth.
But another thought brought him to a standstill right in the middle of the road between two barns. The muscles of his jaws moved. His breath was labored. Thing was—he had survived. He had gotten past it, made a success of his life, created an important computer application, and even saved a child’s life. He was no longer like the little boy eager for his cotton candy.
Slowly Jay drew himself up and walked on, his heart racing with a new awareness. Carter wasn’t the best father. Jay could get over that. Let it go. It didn’t matter anymore in the grand scheme of his life. Carrie was right. He hated to admit it.
He was an adult, and he could choose his reactions. He could choose to let go of his anger and give Carter the benefit of the doubt. Carter wasn’t the one who mattered any more. Carrie mattered. And Jesse. And his life with them.
Jay found Barn T and the California stable where Gloria’s horse was trained. When he reached the reception area, what he saw made him pause. Gloria stood in front of Carter while his father brushed out the tangles in her red hair.
A poignant ache touched Jay’s heart. Carter Preston, multimillionaire computer mogul, was brushing a little girl’s hair. It was as amazing as it was incongruous. Jay couldn’t suppress his grin.
Gloria hopped from foot-to-foot. “Stand still,” Carter ordered causing Gloria to pull a frown.
“You don’t do it good.”
“Give me a chance,” Carter said. “I’m trying.”
“Here, let me help.” Jay stepped forward. “I’ve had a lot of experience with a little girl’s hair lately.”
“Jay!” Gloria beamed.
It was hard to ignore the obvious pleasure on Carter’s face. Jay fought down a flush of shyness and matter-of-factly, took the brush from his father.
“You see, Carter, you’ve got to be a bit more gentle. Like this.”
Carter grunted. “You were always showing up your old man.”
Jay slanted him a glance. There was a gleam in Carter’s eyes. Something had changed. He felt a subtle diffe
rence. But as he looked at Carter, at the hard lines near his eyes, at the sag of his chin, he realized his father would never say he was sorry. Yet he was trying. Carrie was right. The man was trying to change.
“I’ve come to see if Gloria wants to go to ride the rides with us. I’ve promised to take Jesse, my stepdaughter.”
Gloria turned bright eyes on her father. “Can I go, Carter?”
“I don’t see why not,” Carter replied.
Jay took a breath and looked at his father. “And I wondered if you two would like to join us for dinner. I hear they make pretty mean burgers at one of the food pavilions.”
Carter’s expression softened. “We would be honored to accept your invitation, Son.”
Chapter Sixteen
Wildwood Stables
That night
Gathering clouds blotted out the moon. Carrie sighed. Sitting on the top of a picnic table outside Mary’s prefabricated house, she rested her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. She was tired with a tiredness that, like the August heat, sucked the energy from her soul. She drew a deep breath and lifted her head to stare into the darkness surrounding her. The constant noise of cicadas and other night creatures, and the silence of grazing horses were her only companions.
Jay had surprised her by turning up at their seats with his sister Gloria in tow. After that, she had scant time to reflect on its meaning. Jay treated everyone to a corn dog and lemonade for lunch, and after that they rode rides. Carrie’s mind still whirled like the tilt-a-whirl the girls had ridden over and over again. It was a wonder they had kept the corn dogs down. And then they had played the Midway games for an hour, after which Jay had given up and just bought each of the girls a stuffed animal. They had seen the world’s tiniest horse and the bearded lady. And then they had met Carter for dinner.
Both men had been polite and cordial. She didn’t understand the truce they’d called, but she had been gratified. Finally, Carter had invited them to his box for the night’s horse show. So she had a right to be exhausted. Exhausted and perplexed.
What did this mean? Reconciliation between father and son? It was a cautious one at best. Carrie wondered about it, just as she wondered how this tentative relationship between the two men would change her marriage.
“Jesse wants you to tuck her in,” Jay said, coming up behind her.
“Oh!” Carrie jumped. “You startled me.”
He came around the table and stood in front of her. “I’m sorry.”
Carrie could not quite see his eyes in the darkness. But she sensed the very maleness of him as he stood there, immobile, his gaze fastened on her face. He looked grim, but she couldn’t make out the familiar planes of his forehead or the curve of his jaw. Her breath caught as she stared at him.
“I guess I ought to check on Jesse.” Carrie started to get up.
“Wait.” Jay touched her arm, his hand warm upon her flesh. “I’ve let her read a book, so she’s okay for a few moments. I need to talk to you.”
“Okay.” Carrie settled back, giving him a thoughtful look.
Carrie’s knees touched his legs. That’s how near he was to her. A familiar twang of desire assaulted her senses. She couldn’t help it. He did that to her. She tensed at the thought, preferring the safety of her own anger than the uncontrollable passion Jay caused within her body and heart.
There was a slight hesitation before Jay said with firmness, “I want to apologize to you.”
“Oh?” Carrie reacted with surprise.
His voice was tight. “I was wrong not to tell you everything about my past. I thought I had very good reasons, but they were selfish ones. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
Carrie was unmoved. “Why apologize now?”
Jay remained silent a moment and then caught her hands, his fingers transmitting all the pain he must be feeling.
“I saw my father’s lack of attention as lack of love,” he explained. “I didn’t understand what you told me about Carter being imperfect. I grew up angry. Carter created a hole in my heart. Maybe it was as much because of my anger as his selfish neglect. I don’t know.”
Jay squeezed her hands. His voice grew low and thick with passion. “But I’ve filled that hole with my love for you, Carrie. You and Jesse are all that are important in my life now.”
A tremor of skepticism ran through Carrie’s mind. Why couldn’t she move? Why couldn’t she react? At a time when most women would collapse into the arms of the man professing undying love, she sat stone-like, her own heart hard. She told herself she was reluctant to trust again. Where had it gotten her the last time? With Tate, she had been a wife in name only. Once upon a time Tate had told her he loved her.
“Did you say these things to Carter too?” she asked.
Jay tensed. She could feel it in his fingers and hear it in his words. “What do you mean?”
“Did you tell your father you were sorry for all those years of anger?”
“Not exactly.”
“Not exactly?”
Jay’s voice betrayed a rising anger. “No, not in so many words.”
“You’ve come to terms with Carter in the short span of one day, and now you expect me to fall headlong into your arms?”
“It would be a nice ending to an incredible day.”
“Well, it won’t happen.” Carrie pulled her hands away from his. “Your apology comes too little and too late. You hurt me. Just when I was beginning to trust again, you violated my trust by your betrayal.”
Jay reacted swiftly. He caught her chin in his hand, forcing her eyes to meet his. Even in the darkness, Carrie saw the angry glint in them. She felt the rude pinch of his fingers and heard his ragged breath.
“It’s too hot, and I’m too tired to play games,” he told her. “This has been a hard day. I may have not said the words to my father that you expect me to say, but he understands. And I understand that he and I are both trying. What about you, Carrie? Where’s the same spirit of fairness in you?”
Carrie jerked her head free and pushed up from where she sat on the table, jumping down to the ground. She rounded on him. “Don’t touch me like that again.”
“You’ve treated me like a plague for weeks. All I want is to make you a good husband and Jesse a good father. I want to love you. But you’ve thrown up barriers. I don’t know why, and I’m beginning not to care.”
“Just like you didn’t care who you hurt with your lies?”
“You keep throwing that up to me. I’ve said I was sorry. I’ve done the best I could. I’m not perfect, but I guess you are.”
“That was a cheap shot.”
“No cheaper than your arrogance,” Jay pointed out with horrible cruelty. “You told me I had to forgive my father. Then you would think about forgiving me. Well, now it’s time to think about it Carrie, because I don’t want this sham of a marriage to continue. Either you love me like I know you can or I’ll go back to California tomorrow.”
Carrie shook with fury—with the knowledge that his words held truth, a painful truth.
“I must check on Jesse.”
She took the safe way out, shouldering past him and running toward the doublewide.
* * * *
Carrie shut the door, resting her back against it as if that would bar Jay from her. How could it when he was in her heart and in her soul?
With brutal clarity, she recognized her own stubborn frailty. An unexpected fear knotted her stomach. Divorce. It was an ugly word. Jay was serious, and she was heartsick with dread.
Quietly, she crossed to the door of Jesse’s room and pushed it open. The little girl’s light still shone above her pillow, but her daughter was asleep. Carrie tiptoed into the room, removed the book from her slackened grasp and flipped out the light.
“Mom,” Jesse said when Carrie turned to leave.
With great love in her heart, Carrie came back to her daughter. “I thought you were asleep.”
“You didn’t give me a kiss.”
�
�I’m sorry.” She had to smile as she bent down and touched her lips to Jesse’s forehead.
“That’s where Jay kissed me.” Jesse’s words were dreamy, her eyelids drifting shut. “If you want to sell Dr. Doolittle, you can.”
Surprised, Carrie asked, “What would make you say that.”
“I know you and Jay don’t have much money. It doesn’t matter to me about Doolittle.”
“It doesn’t?”
“No, not as long as I have you and Jay.”
“You go to sleep, and we’ll talk about it in the morning.”
Moved, Carrie kissed Jesse again and left the room. She closed the door to Jesse’s room and stood in the middle of the living room floor. The knowledge of Jesse’s selflessness washed over her like a wave. She had never told Jesse about Jay’s wealth, preferring for her to get to know him without that prejudice.
Jesse thought they were still in financial trouble. In her own way, she was trying to help by sacrificing her horse. So much for Carrie’s attempt to keep things the same in her daughter’s life. Jesse was willing to sacrifice. Was she?
Cold shivers swept Carrie’s body. She had been wrong, horribly wrong. With a gut-wrenching acceptance, she acknowledged her own stupid mistakes. She admitted her stubbornness. Now she was about to lose the person she held most dear next to her daughter.
“Jay,” she said softly.
Carrie ran from the house through the darkened night. Jay had taken her place on the picnic tabletop. She crawled up on it and sat down beside him. They remained silent a while.
Finally, Carrie gathered her courage. “Jay, I was wrong too.” He sat there, unmoving. Not quite meeting his eyes, Carrie plowed ahead. “I wanted you to suffer as I had suffered. Tate had hurt me by his indifference. Then you hurt me by your lies. I wanted to hurt you.”
“You’ve come to that conclusion in the time it took you to put Jesse to bed?” Jay’s indictment echoed hers.
Carrie lifted her chin. “Yes.”
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