'You can still leave this place,' the knight said.
'I can't. Liam will die if we leave.'
'Not him. You.'
She glared at the knight. 'How can you say that? He's my son.'
'Think, Caitlin. You've stopped him from moving on. Do you think this place is good for him? Do you believe it's right to deny him what lies beyond… whether eternal rest, or eternal life? Moments frozen in time have no meaning. Only constant change gives us perspective… and life. Liam not growing, not having a life, is not Liam. It's just a snapshot. Nothing more.'
'Don't you dare lecture me!' she raged. 'What right do you have?'
'More right than you might think.' He appeared to steady himself, though the armour hid any sense of what was going on inside him. 'You asked why I kept coming to you, Caitlin. Here's why.' He took off his helmet. 'Because I love you… and I'll always love you.'
The shock was so great that Caitlin staggered, and for a moment she thought she might faint. It was Grant, filled with the flush of life, looking as though he had never succumbed to the ravages of the plague, and for a moment she wondered if her devastating images of burying him in the back garden were just a nightmare.
There was a weight in her chest forcing its way up into her throat, blocking all the words that wanted to come out. Liam cried, 'Daddy!' and ran to throw his arms around his father's waist, and then Caitlin thought the rock would burst her chest open. She buried her face in Grant's neck, immersing herself in the fragrance of his skin, something that had been taken for granted for so long and now was as valuable to her as all the riches of the world. She didn't want to lose that simple aroma ever again. It brought with it a rush of such overpowering memories that she was carried away: the two of them sitting in Roundhay Park when Grant gave up his career and his ambitions for her; their marriage, seeing Grant waiting at the end of the aisle, looking so handsome, so special; Liam's birth, the baby on her chest, Grant holding her hand, tears in his eyes, too choked to speak; and more, every precious moment that had made up their lives together, now more precious than ever.
And by the end of it, all the suffering and the harrowing experiences on the road from their village to the House of Pain had been forgotten, and once again she was the woman she had been, Caitlin Shepherd, GP. Not a Sister of Dragons, not a saviour of the world. Just a person; and that was enough.
'I don't understand… how you can be here…' she said.
'Come on,' he replied. 'We've got a lot to talk about.'
He led her to the entrance, where they sat just inside so they could look at the slowly setting sun playing across the plain, and the night drawing in, with a full moon and a spread of glittering stars providing a wonder to the darkness. They talked about everything, exhausting all the questions Caitlin had and the issues that needed resolving that she had thought would hang over her for the rest of her days; and they played with Liam, and kissed him and hugged each other. And when the sun came up, they were a family again.
But then Grant's face grew serious and he took Caitlin's hand. 'You know we can't stay like this.'
'Why not?' she replied, knowing the answer to her question, not wanting to hear it.
'This is all fake, Caitlin, sitting here in the shadow of this nightmare place, and we can't pretend it's anything else. There won't be any happiness here — no shared moments, no joyful experiences, no growth. What we have had is a second chance to put things right. We wiped away all the things that can hang around after a death and spoil a life. That's a tremendous gift, more than other people get.'
'It's not enough!'
'It is, Caitlin. Really. It's hard for you, being alone in the world, but the fact that I'm here now should tell you something. To stay here is to offer victory to the House of Pain and what lies behind it, because it's a mockery of all the things that make life so wonderful. It's not life, it's anti-life — it's what the Void stands for.'
'Don't go,' she pleaded. 'Don't leave me alone.'
'You won't be alone. You'll find more love in the world…' She went to protest, but he silenced her with a finger to her lips. 'You might not want to consider that now, when you're here with us, but it's important that you know I'm happy with it. Having someone who loves you, and loving somebody, is the most valuable thing there is — that's what Existence is all about, when you come down to it. It might sound stupid, and soppy, and you know I've never been a great romantic, but it's the truth. The only truth.'
His tone calmed her enough to take his hand. 'I know you're right… I don't want you to be, but I know. I'll do my best to cope. Really… for you, and Liam. I'll miss you… both of you.'
'You've had a glimpse of the rules that underpin everything, Caitlin. You know there is no beginning and no end, that everything is connected, that emotions are more powerful than concrete things, that reality is just what we make it. You know all that, and that will give you the strength to keep going… until we see each other again.' He held her for a long moment and she didn't want to let go, but she did. 'There's one thing… You said I could leave here, but I can't. The House of Pain has changed me to make me survive here. There's a cold that keeps crawling up my body — I can feel it coming back now — and it's stopping me from walking away. I can't leave of my own accord. It's making sure I'm going to be the queen here for ever.' Grant smiled and ran his fingers through her hair. 'Wait and see. You may not have to leave on your own.' 'What do you mean?' 'Wait and see.' 'I don't want to see you both leave.' 'Then close your eyes. Remember us both sitting here now and that thought will stay with you for ever.' He touched her forehead. 'Just here.' She closed her eyes. And when she opened them again, they were both gone.
Chapter Nineteen
Of Love and Other Things
'Just as the health of a forest or a fragrant meadow can be measured by the number of different insects and plants and creatures that successfully make it their home, so only by an extraordinary abundance of disparate spiritual and philosophic paths will human beings navigate a pathway through the dark and swirling storms that mark our current era.'
Margot Adler
With the dull heat of a new day starting to build, Caitlin finally left her position at the entrance to the House of Pain and wandered back towards the source of despair, her new home. The cold was already working its way up her legs. But she hadn't gone far when she heard the sound of two sets of feet approaching from the darkness.
'She's here! Look, she's here!'
Caitlin was so surprised to see another person in that place that it took her a second to realise who was running towards her.
'Bloody hell! I thought we were going to be searching this bastard place until I'd worn my legs to stumps,' Harvey said in his thick Birmingham accent. He threw his arms round her with unrestrained joy and then backed off suddenly. 'You're not going to go all psycho on me, are you?'
The second person emerged more slowly, but he was grinning broadly. It was Thackeray. 'See, I told you we'd find her.' Harvey jerked a thumb in Thackeray's direction and said to Caitlin conspiratorially, 'Blind optimism… that's true love for you.'
Thackeray walked up to Caitlin and stood with his arms folded, his grin now lazy. 'How are you?'
'What are you doing here?' she asked in amazement.
'It was something to do,' Thackeray said. 'And we thought it would be better than Birmingham.'
Harvey rolled his eyes. 'I have never been so shit-scared in my life. This bastard owes me big time for keeping him company.'
'But how did you manage to survive?' Caitlin said. 'I mean… the things out there
'Don't,' Harvey said, uneasily. 'I don't want to think about it.'
'On the way across the plain up here, we met this scary woman, all black hair and wild eyes, and she said, The gods look after fools and lovers, so I suppose that covers all the bases.'
'We followed you out of New Street Station,' Harvey said, 'once I'd convinced Thackeray what an idiot he was being to let you go-'
'I didn't need
much convincing,' Thackeray said shyly.
'-but you were walking like a mad thing and we couldn't catch up,' Harvey continued. 'Nearly, but… then we saw you go through that big, blue, flashing doorway thing and… well, I was ready to turn back then, but he hurled me through.' He glared at Thackeray. 'Bastard.'
'The things we've seen.' Thackeray stared into the middle distance as the memories surfaced. 'A few times I thought we weren't going to get through
Harvey blanched, looked at the floor. 'There was one time, just before we got here, on this plain with cairns everywhere. Shit, I thought our number was up there. And then these freaky sand things dressed like samurai turned up and said we'd got safe passage… and…'
'And here we are,' Harvey said.
Caitlin smiled. She was pleased to see them. 'So are you going to get me out of here?'
'You bet,' Harvey said. 'I just hope the journey home isn't as bad. I don't think my nerves can take it.'
As they walked towards the door, they talked, and Thackeray told Caitlin how they'd met Mahalia, Jack and Crowther when they entered the House of Pain. 'They said they were going to lose themselves out there somewhere,' Thackeray said. 'Lie low for a while… find a little magic, they said. The old bloke looked really happy.'
'They all did,' Harvey said.
Caitlin told them the whole story of the plague and the quest, and at the end of it the full gravity of what had happened descended on her. 'I don't know what's going to happen,' she said, worried. 'The Brothers and Sisters of Dragons are the last line of defence against the Void. But I've failed… I'm not one any more. If there isn't the right number, the whole system won't work!'
'Ah, something will turn up,' Thackeray said.
'How can you be so blase about it?'
'Well, you know… things do turn up. That's life. That evil bastard… the Void. It could be here tomorrow, but it might be a million years away. Why worry about it? If I sat around worrying about dying I'd never enjoy life. Don't think of it as a big threat. Think of it as a… as a metaphor.'
'Thackeray,' Harvey said wearily, 'I keep telling you, nobody likes a smart arse.'
They reached the doorway and Caitlin hesitated, the cold in her limbs freezing her to the spot. Thackeray took her hand and led her across the threshold. Once she was outside, a faint flush of warmth eased into her heart. Slowly it began to drive the cold out.
Before them, the Land of Always Summer stretched out, filled with wonder and magic, and somewhere, a place that would allow them to get back home. 'Come on,' Thackeray said. 'Let's get out of Birmingham.'
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The Queen of sinister da-2 Page 40