I’m about to come, and I scream it to the heavens to let them know, too. Ben doesn’t let me. He wipes his mouth on my inner thigh and then drags his lips and mouth up the side of my body. He kisses the side of my breast, moves his tongue over my nipple, and trails the kiss up the front of my neck.
“This neck,” he moans out, moving his kiss back down again.
I arch my chin to the ceiling and relish the sensations.
I can feel his dick head brushing softly against my core and I move my hips to let him know I’m ready and want him to take me. Ben is kissing and licking every inch of surface on my neck. He’s taking it slower than I thought he would. His eyes are closed as if he’s relishing every second. It hurts my heart to see him like this. I want to give him what he needs. My body at his disposal—for him to lose himself in something familiar, something steadfast, a body filled with life.
Leaning up, he lays a palm, fingers spread wide across my chest, and says, “Your heart is beating so fast.” He swallows hard, feeling my heartbeat.
I laugh a little. “You make me excitable,” I reply. “You should finish what you started.”
Ben replaces his hand with his ear, leaning his head down to listen instead, a complete change of pace. “I’m talking to you, heart,” he says, smiling. “I’m gonna give you something to really beat about.”
“Do it,” I say, smirking when he meets my eyes.
He’s back for a second. My Ben. Then he enters me in one, hard thrust and he’s lost in an entirely different way. He kisses me every so often, but it’s rough juts and feral shouts, anger fluidly swallowed by terror and rage.
I can’t even hang on to his shoulders, it’s so rough. It’s not pleasurable for me and I think he’s forgotten I’m even in the room with him. Leaning back on his knees, he pulls my hips to him instead of thrusting. He fills me over and over and I think he’s trying to fill me with everything he’s trying to get rid of. He looks up at the ceiling as he pulls me onto his cock at a furious pace. I clutch at the sheets and try to keep myself in place. I keep my eyes closed. There’s no need to see Ben right now, because this isn’t my Ben anymore. He pulls me all the way onto him and comes. Ben screams out. It’s a cry of anguish.
My whole body is tense when he pulls out. I don’t dare open my eyes. I listen to his harried breaths mixing with my soft whimpers. More tears come as I try to squelch the tightness in my chest, the hurt he’s caused.
“Harper,” he says.
I hear the apology in my name.
He’s looking away from me when I open my eyes and sit up. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I wipe another tear away lest he see what he’s caused. He sobs and retreats to my bathroom.
I scoot off the bed, sore and terrified of what just happened, and walk in behind him. Ben is bent over the counter, forearms pressing on the granite, the ultimate picture of male prowess. Naked, stunning, muscles coiled, and chest heaving. He’s also a man completely destroyed. A stray delicate petal on a steel flower.
“Fuck,” Ben hisses. “I’m fucked up, Harper. So fucked up.”
I stay silent, but stand next to him, the mirror reflecting our images in an unfamiliar way. Ben meets my eyes in the mirror. “How many times have I transfixed your face on Norah? At least a million. Only the times when it matters? When I was fucking her? Definitely when I was marrying her. When it counts? This is my punishment from Norah after death. Seeing her sad, second-best face anytime you’re in front of me.” The man I love transforms into a ghost.
“Oh my God,” I sob. “I can’t do this. You shouldn’t have come here, Ben. I love you. I do,” I whisper, grabbing his arm. His gaze darts to where our skin meets in the reflection. “I’m not sure we can get over this. Or you need more time. This is breaking my heart. Fucking me isn’t going to bring back your dead wife. I won’t do that for you and I’ll do a lot.”
One side of his mouth quirks up. “The heartbreak club. At least we’ll be in it together. Fucking you helps me. It does. It’s the only thing I can think of.”
My stomach roils as my heart splinters.
I point to my bed. “I’ll never do that with you again. That’s a promise. I’m not some toy.” Swallowing hard, I cross my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling too exposed.
“I need to go,” Ben says, brushing past me to get his clothes. “I’m sorry. I am. This was a mistake. I’m a weak bastard.” Shaking his head, he does look remorseful. He doesn’t apologize for using my body as a Norah vessel and the thought makes me shiver. “I’m out of my mind.” He mutters under his breath, something about how he can’t believe what he’s done and how he needs to shackle himself to his house.
I grab my T-shirt from the floor and notice the bloody, mangled sheets.
“Can we forget tonight even happened?” he asks, finally speaking loud enough for me to hear each word. I can tell he’s not going to try to convince me of his point of view, like my Ben would. He’s going to ask this of me.
“You’d ask that of me?” I ask, biting my lip to stifle tears.
He sighs. “My best friend would forget.”
When he gets to the front of my house, I open the door for him. “Maybe I can’t be your best friend and your fuck buddy at the same time. You said you didn’t need a friend. You didn’t need that version of me.” I stifle a hiccupped sob and pinch my lips together. “I’ll forget more than tonight. That’s a promise,” I reply, shutting the door in his sad, haggard face.
I drown out the night with a stiff drink and pass out in the sheets that prove I won’t forget that quickly.
Or ever.
Chapter Nineteen
Ben
Everyone has those few mistakes they’ll never live down. Mine are the unforgivable sort that stick around even when I’m not thinking about them directly. They influence everyday decisions and the way I approach the world. Two months have passed since I crashed Harper’s house…and heart. She texted me once to make sure I wasn’t going to be around for one our parents’ dinners. I tried to get her to talk to me then, but she refused, telling me some bullshit excuse about being busy. There’s no way I can ask for forgiveness for that night. I was out of my mind.
I could only think of her and how much I missed her. Blind love. Furious lust. Pent-up feelings for denying my mind and cock what it desperately desired. I missed her friendship, sure, but most of all I missed her understanding. I knew damn well if I went there she’d understand and give in to anything I wanted. The lonely greed won out.
I’m driving to my parents’ house, trying not to think of this shit, but when my mind isn’t occupied at work, these thoughts are on repeat. You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. That saying is the motherfucking soundtrack to my life. I took everything for granted in every area of my life except for my career. That will always be there, unfortunate as it may be. Everything else is a loss.
No wife or family. No best friend to call. I have my brothers. A promise to make the world a safer place. My only life goal at the moment. After I pull into their drive I vow not to let my morose demeanor show. I put the front on like a mask—an actor perfecting the skill of convincing the people he loves that he’s fine. I walk slowly up to the door, not looking left for fear of seeing Harper’s parents, and knock once before opening the front door.
My mother rushes me. “Benjamin. Oh, it’s so good to see you, honey. Why haven’t you come? I know you weren’t working last weekend. We aren’t getting any younger, honey.” Her arms are around me in a vice grip. “You’ve gotten bigger!” she exclaims.
“I’ve had more free time at the gym,” I tell her, grinning over her shoulder at my dad. He’s watching the exchange with an amused smile. There’s no telling Mom anything. “I’ve missed you, too. What do you have cooking today?”
“Oh, I have so much cooking. You’re never going to want to leave. Mr. and Mrs. Rosehall should be here any second.” That’s when I start to sweat. Like a sixteen-year-old boy caught having sex on a living room
sofa. “Go help your dad out back. I need you two to wipe down all the furniture on the patio.”
Swallowing, I glance out the side window. “Oh, just the Rosehalls tonight?” I ask, keeping my tone level. “Harper isn’t home this weekend, is she?” It will be a fucking disaster if she is. I wanted to talk to her on our turf. If anything unfolds here it’s going to get messy. I panic, an unfamiliar feeling of dread and excitement.
The doorbell rings and next Harper walks through, a bottle of wine tucked under one arm and a pie in the other. Her parents trail behind, their faces void of smiles. “Ben,” Harper says, raising one brow. “I saw your truck out front.” Not even giving me a passing glance, she greets my mother with a kiss on the cheek and approaches my dad with a joke and a hug.
The Rosehalls greet me cheerily and ask how I’ve been. Everyone’s expressions always change when that question comes up. It used to be a standard answer, now I’m the widower with a dangerous job. I’m like the liability no one wants to talk about. My mother frowns as she overhears me talking about the most recent mission we did. I’m comfortable talking about it as it was all over the news. Several top leaders were nabbed and brought in for questioning. It will lead to a slew of more arrests.
From my view, I can see Harper helping my dad clean the furniture outside and I’m envious. What are they talking about? Is she telling him about something I don’t know about? “Harper told me you’ve been busy with work. I guess we didn’t realize just how busy,” Mr. Rosehall says.
“Ah, you know. It makes everything at home…easier.”
Mrs. Rosehall lays a hand on my shoulder. “Is it getting easier then?”
My mom walks away, my father following her. I nod as a response. Norah is a subject that will make her cry no matter what. My cell phone chimes and I read the text nonchalantly. It’s Tahoe checking in to see what I’m up to. I tap back quickly, Welfare check confirmed. Mrs. Brahams has your back tonight.
He sends back a smiley face and I think how out of place that is. “I, ah, hurt Harper,” I say, wincing a little. “I didn’t mean to. I just want you to know.”
“Which time, Ben? You must be talking about now, because I haven’t seen her this upset since you told her you weren’t going to college with her.” Such a trivial thing now.
I grin a bit. “True. I’m not sure I can make it right this time,” I tell her.
Her face wilts. “You’re the only person who can make it right. It’s high time you guys realize what you have.”
“What’s that?”
“A love a lifetime in the making.”
It takes a moment or two for her words to settle where they need to. She continues, “I’ve watched you two grow up. I’ve watched your love grow and change over the years. It’s time. It’s time.” She repeats herself one more time, sadly, though.
“I’ve ruined everything.” I sigh.
“Talk to her. Don’t think you know what she’s going to say, because she might surprise you. For as how well as you two know each other, I think you’re completely blind to what’s right in front of your faces.”
I stumble back a bit. Harper comes back into view through the glass door. She’s beautiful, like she always is, but her mom is right. She’s not the same person she’s been in the past. This is the Harper of my future. If I can right the varying degrees of wrong I’ve committed. I shrug, shaking my head. “I can try.”
Mrs. Rosehall pats my shoulder and walks away smiling. I catch Harper’s hand when she tries to head for the hallway behind me. I can’t ask her to talk. “Want to go shoot some hoops?”
Harper rolls her eyes. “I have to use the restroom.”
“I’ll be outside dribbling the ball,” I say, making the motion with my hand and juking back and forth with my body.
“You’re such a geek, Ben,” Harper says, pulling her arm out of my grasp and closing the bathroom door behind her.
The trap has been set. I walk out through the garage and grab the basketball from the basket in the corner. Palming it, I find it has enough air. It’s faded from the sun and missing most of the black ribs. It’s just an orange ball all these years later.
Arms crossed and eyes narrowed, Harper opens the garage door and crosses to me. “Don’t think this means anything. My mom made me come out here.” We both chuckle after she realizes how childish it sounds.
I pass her the ball. Awkwardly, she catches it and then brings it up to her nose to give it a sniff. “If I’m a geek, what does sniffing a ball make you?” I ask. “Freak,” I mutter.
Harper shoots a basket and makes it. “It reminds me of something,” she says.
Walking over to her, I take the ball back.
“Something good. I like to remember the good things. Before all of the bad swallowed most everything else up. Shoot it.”
I do and miss by a foot. “After dinner want to head up to the water tower? Someone said you can graffiti on it without repercussions.”
She wrinkles her brow. “Where did you hear that? The bar?”
I shrug and shoot the ball. Nothing but net. “I have my ways.”
“You want me to be your friend now then, huh? I’m getting whiplash.”
“I’m sorry. For so many things. If we talk through it maybe we can get back on track.”
Harper sighs and closes her eyes. “Which track?”
“Whatever one you let me on.”
Harper makes another shot and wipes her brow with the back of her hand. “I need to go wash my hands and see if they need any help in the kitchen. If we can pick up snacks, I’ll go to the tower with you.”
I go down on my knees and press my hands together. Harper turns around and smiles when she sees me.
“Friendship track, Benny.”
The smile leaves her face, slowly. “Dinner truce?” she says.
“Thank you,” I reply.
Then she leaves.
++++
I have all of Harper’s secrets. Even the ugly ones she doesn’t want another soul to hear. She has more of mine. Although our parents don’t know the extent of which our lives are entangled, we both know they sense the shift in the atmosphere. They didn’t bring up anything untoward. That’s the first time they’ve been polite.
We filled up an entire shopping basket at the 7-Eleven and she’s made me hold the enormous bag as we climb the ladder up the old water tower. It’s walking distance from our house and we spent countless hours here as children. It was safe here. We could talk about anything we wanted, away from prying ears and parental eyes. A no judgement zone. We haven’t been back since I brought her here to tell her I wanted to enlist in the Navy instead of go to Harvard.
Harper climbs slower than she did back then, her feet more tentative on the rungs than they were all those years ago. I try to keep my eyes away from her short shorts, but when she brings her foot up to the next step, I slip and see a glimpse of her hot pink panties.
“Pink,” I shout.
“Oh my gosh. Stop looking! I should have known better! I have Jenny Megly to thank for your obsession with female underwear.”
“I’m only obsessed with yours,” I toss back, laughing to punctuate my old-school game. “I love when you wear short shorts.”
Harper speeds up after groaning a frustrated sigh. We go all the way to the top and sit down on the metal ledge, our legs dangling out of the lowest barrier. The pink and orange horizon in front of us is beautiful. “I forgot how pretty the sunset was from here,” Harper says, catching her breath. Leaning forward, she folds her arms on the metal bar and puts her chin on her wrists. “We probably had no clue how pretty it was back then,” she amends.
“It’s always been this beautiful,” I say, speaking to the side of her face.
Looking at her, looking at the sunset, brings back all of the memories. Mrs. Rosehall is right. I’ve never truly looked at Harper in this honest light.
“Tell me something, Benny. Anything worth saying.”
Her gaze doesn’t waiv
er. It’s unflinching in the direction of the sunset. “Okay,” I say, trying and failing to form the words I want. “I’ll tell you what I think you need to hear.”
She nods. “Probably a good place to start.”
“This is my punishment for my evil, lying crimes of the heart. You know how I hid from the truth, you did it too. I have to live with this for the rest of my life, and Norah and Robin paid the price for my bad decisions.” She looks at me, but then thinks better of it and looks away again. I go on, “They were innocent in all of this.”
“I’ve thought about this a lot because of Marcus and Darren and everything,” Harper says, voice a whisper. “You can’t blame yourself. It was an accident.”
I shake my head, a lump forming in the back of my throat.
Harper’s gaze locks onto mine. “You can’t control everything. It was an accident. It didn’t happen for any reason other than she was in the wrong place at the wrong time,” she remarks.
I’ve thought about this, too. “No. It’s never just an accident. Things happen for a reason. Everything does. Nothing is happenstance. The world is too cruel for that. The things I’ve seen? I know for a fact there are no true accidents.” I look up at the sky, a broken man bargaining with someone who took away the only things more important than my own life.
“What if everything is one big accident? If you’re saying nothing is an accident, I’m telling you maybe everything is. Me sitting next to you, holding your hand, is because of an accident. Maybe your mom forgot her birth control pill. Poof!” Harper says, twinkling her fingers like magic. “You’re here. An accident. My dad accidentally got a job and we accidentally moved next door to you. We became friends by accident, and you fell in love with Norah on accident. We never told each other just how we felt about each other because, you guessed it, accident. We both know Robin was an accident, so there’s no arguing there. Darren accidentally drank too many drinks that night, Ben. Everything is an accident. If there’s one thing you can trust it’s that I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you. Not by accident, either. Because I want to be here for you. Because I love you.”
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