by Ashley Love
Gordon is the one holding me back against the locker, and he grins when I look at him. My eyes dart around, looking at all of the other Cancers. I'm not surprised that Zane isn't with them. He hasn't been hanging out with his friends for a while now, the reason for which is unknown to me. And the fact that Zane isn't with them, and it's just Gordon, Noah, Ryker, and Slate right now, is a little unnerving to me. It's stupid that I feel safer when Zane is around, but I do.
"It's been a while since we've crossed paths, Riley," Gordon grins, and when I don't say anything, he yanks me away from the locker and slams me back against it again. I wince, but don't otherwise make a sound. Gordon doesn't like being ignored; I learned that a while ago.
"Hey! Where'd you get that?" Ryker suddenly demands, and I glance at him just as he snatches my iPod out of my hand.
Right. Ryker stole my iPod in the woods when they attacked me. He must not have known that Zane returned it to me. I want to reach out and snatch my iPod back from him, because I really like Zane's music, and it means something to me, and I don't want it to be taken from me. But Gordon is pinning me to the locker, and I won't fight back.
"Say Ariel, do you know where we could find our boy Zane?" Slate asks, coming forward, and his voice is so awful, like nails on a chalkboard. "He hasn't been hanging around us these past few weeks, and a little birdie tells me it's got something to do with you."
My eyebrows press together. "Why would I know anything about him?" I ask, and my voice sounds a bit too defensive. Why am I even encouraging them right now? I should just stay quiet.
Slate shrugs with a little purse of his chapped lips. "Well, he does seem to have taken a liking to you," he says, and he sounds a little angry in a way, almost like he's jealous. But that makes no sense, because I know Zane doesn't like me. Not like that at least. Maybe he stares at me a lot, and it messes with my head, but Zane doesn't like me. That's the stupidest thing I'ves ever heard.
But I don't say anything, because it's best just to not encourage the Cancers. They're going to do what they're going to do, and nothing I can say is going to stop them.
Noah pulls the sleeve of his pea coat up just a bit and glances at his watch. "Can we hurry this along, gentlemen? I have a project due in my next class that can't be late."
Gordon glances back at Noah, rolling his eyes, and then he shrugs, and throws a punch.
I wasn't expecting it, and my head snaps to the side as Gordon's fist lands across my jaw. Usually there's some sort of indication that I'm going to be punched first, but this one sort of comes out of the blue. Slate jumps in and socks me once in the stomach, but I don't have any room to hunch over with the blow, and the next hit lands across my temple.
Damn it. I really didn't miss this whole beating thing. They haven't actually beaten me up since I was attacked in the forest, just thrown insults my way and occasionally shoved me in the halls. But I should have known that this was coming. I was bound to get beaten up again sooner or later.
The Cancers only get a few punches in though, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Ryker just fiddling with my iPod, not even caring about the fight in front of him.
And then, Gordon suddenly falls to the side with a shout, and his hands leave my shoulders. I fall to the ground without the support of Gordon holding me against the lockers, and I cradle my face for a second, shaking off the most recent punch. When I look up to see why Gordon suddenly stopping hitting me, my heart skips a beat.
Zane is there, out of nowhere, and he's shoving Gordon away. Slate gets a kick in to my ribs, not even stopping, and I gag once as the wind is knocked out of me before Zane turns around and shoves him away roughly. Slate stumbles back, almost tripping with how hard Zane shoves him, and then Zane stands over me, blocking me from the rest of the Cancers.
"Leave her the fuck alone. All of you," I hear Zane growl, glaring at his friends. I see Noah's eyebrows shoot towards the sky, and Gordon and Slate laugh. Slate leans to the side and locks eyes with me.
"Told you," he says to me, giving me a sharp grin, and I have to search my brain for a moment to figure out what he's talking about. But then I remember him saying that Zane has taken a liking to me. Is it true? I find that hard to believe, but...
What is Zane doing then? Why did he stop them?
"Are you serious?" Gordon asks Zane. "What the hell are you doing, Peterson?"
"Just fuck off," Zane snaps, waving his hand towards the end of the hallway. "Get the fuck out of here."
Ryker stares at Zane in disbelief. "Are you kidding me? First, you ditch us for three weeks straight, and now you're defending some bitch? What the hell is wrong with you?"
I sees Zane's hands clench into fists, but he doesn't hit Ryker. Instead, he reaches out and snatches my iPod out of his hand, and then gives him a shove. "Get the fuck out of here. All of you. Go," he snarls. "I won't say it again."
The Cancers exchange glances with each other, and at this point, they all look pretty damn pissed off. I'm still hunched on the ground, frozen. I don't know what to do. Should I run? What am I supposed to do? No one has ever defended me like this before, especially not one of my bullies. And Zane is practically on top of me, he's standing over me so much. I would have to wiggle my way out from between his legs and the lockers to stand up and run away.
So I stay frozen there on the floor as the four Cancers snort and shake their heads, turning and walking away.
"Fuck you," Gordon snaps, flipping Zane off as they walk down the hall.
"Yeah, yeah, just keep walking," Zane snarls.
Gordon, Ryker, and Noah saunter off down the hall, grumbling to themselves about what a fucking dick Zane has become, but Slate lingers behind for a moment.
Zane turns his eyes onto him, and I'm not sure if I imagine him shuffling back a half an inch away from the snake-like guy. Slate is giving Zane a sharp glare. He looks angry, but there's also a twinkle in his eye, like he's amused.
"Get the fuck out of here, Slate," Zane growls, his voice actually wavering a bit.
"We haven't talked in a while, Zane," Slate says casually. "How have you been?"
Zane doesn't say anything, but I can feel anger rolling off of him in waves. His hands are clenched into white-knuckled fists at his sides, my iPod clutched in one, and I think I can see fine tremors running through them like Zane is a coiled spring.
Slate chuckles a little when Zane doesn't respond, and then he takes a few steps forward, closing the distance between himself and Zane. This time, Zane does move back a step, and is nearly standing on top of me now. And it's almost like I'm invisible? It's like I'm suddenly not there, and Zane and Slate are the only ones in the hallway, just having a casual chat. But there's something weird about the way Slate is talking to him, like there's a whole back story here.
"Well anyway, it was good to see you," Slate says, his voice cloyingly sweet, like poisoned molasses, dripping and sickening. He reaches out a hand, and Zane actually full-body flinches when he does, but Slate doesn't stop. He pats Zane gently on the shoulder, his hand lingering there for a moment, and Zane's arm snaps up, hitting his hand away roughly. Slate stumbles a little with the hit and chuckles again, shaking his head. Then he turns, and without another word, saunters off down the hallway after the rest of the Cancers, whistling to himself.
Zane and I both watch after him, and Zane is shaking with what I can only assume is rage. We stay there for a while, until all the Cancers disappear around the corner, and then Zane takes a step forward, blowing all the breath out of his lungs as he turns around. He reaches down without a word, and takes my arm, helping me up from the floor. I eye him cautiously. Why is he helping me?
"Are you okay?" he asks, and I swallow hard. I can't really get myself to speak at the moment, so I just nod. Zane bites his lip, and looks down at the iPod in his hands for a moment before handing it back to me.
I hesitate before taking it, plucking it out of Zane's hand, and our fingers brush together
briefly. It's like electricity, and I snatch my hand away quickly before I do something stupid like surge forward and kiss him right here and now. My gaze flickers briefly to his lips, and then back up to his eyes before I look away completely and reach down to pick up my backpack from the floor. I throw my iPod inside and zip it up, all the while feeling Zane's eyes on me as I close my locker.
"Seriously, why don't you fight back? Why don't you say something?" Zane asks suddenly, and I look back at him.
"What?"
Zane huffs a little laugh, humorless and brief. "Why don't you defend yourself? You're not a weak girl. Just stick up for yourself for once."
I just blink at him for a moment. "Why do you care?"
Zane actually blushes then, and looks away, and God I have to do everything in my power not to close the space between us and kiss that blush right off his cheeks. I wonder if that's what Zane looks like when he's aroused, if that blush spreads down to his broad chest.
I shake myself, tearing my eyes away and slinging my backpack onto my shoulder. "I have to go," I say, making to turn and walk away, and then I stop, glancing back at him. Zane has lifted his head and is looking at me again with a strange expression. "Thank you..." I add, biting the inside of my cheek. "For stopping them."
Zane's neck ripples as he swallows. "Sure," he replies, clearing his throat. "Um...see you in math."
I eye him for another moment, and then turn and walks away quickly, before I can give in to my urge to kiss Zane, to hug him, to just touch him. This is unbearable. And that whole situation was sort of fucking awkward to be honest. That was probably the second longest conversation I've ever had with Zane.
I force myself not to look back as I round the corner and hurry to my next class before I'm super late. And for the rest of the period, I can't help but feel a little warm inside, my fingertips tingling, my heart throbbing. Because Zane just stood up for me. Why did he do that? Why did he stop the other Cancers from hurting me?
I pull my iPod out of my backpack in class and just run my fingers along the edges. It's like the iPod is a part of Zane now, and probably the only part of him I'm ever going to get.
I don't know what I'm feeling. I feel light, and giddy, and sick, and awful, and brilliant. This boy is making me lose my mind.
42
I shift my bag more securely onto my shoulders and then raise my hand, knocking on the door to the school counselor's office. I've never done this before. I've never talked to anyone about my problems. I just sort of assumed that no one cares. But I need to talk to someone about this whole thing with Zane, because I can't handle it on my own. I'm going crazy.
"Come in," I hear the counselor call, and I blow out a breath and open the door, wandering inside cautiously.
The counselor is sitting at her desk typing away on her computer. Her office is a comforting environment. She has a couple couches with beaded pillows on them, and pictures of family members hanging on the walls. There's a fish tank in the corner filled with little frogs, and I actually smile. Maybe I'll make origami frogs for my next mobile at Alfred's shop. I've always liked frogs.
"I'll be done in just a sec," the counselor says, clicking a few things on the computer, typing one more sentence, and then exiting out of what she's working on, spinning around in her chair. "Done! Ariel Riley, right?"
I nod, quirking a little smile. The school counselor is a pretty lady, with dark, wavy hair and kind brown eyes. She exudes warmth, and I feel myself relax marginally. Until, that is, I notice that she has a little radio on her desk turned on low, and I recognize the classic rock song coming from the speakers as one of Zane's songs on my iPod. Great.
The counselor holds out her hand with a warm smile that makes her eyes twinkle. "I'm Ms. Conrad, but you can call me Julie. I hate when people call me Miss. It just reminds me of my divorce." She laughs, and I allow myself a little chuckle as I shake her proffered hand. I'm such an awkward girl, I don't really understand sarcasm. But she's laughing, so I suppose she's probably joking.
"You signed up for an appointment today?" Julie asks, more rhetorically than anything, gesturing towards the green couch against the wall. "Grab a seat."
I clear my throat and pull my backpack off my shoulders, hugging it to my stomach as I sit down on the edge of the cushion. "I just...needed to work some things out in my head," I say hesitantly. I don't really know how this works, the whole therapy thing. I don't really understand why I'm so nervous, but I just am.
"What's going on?" Julie asks, standing to close the door after flipping a sign that says Appointment in Session on the outside. She sits back in her chair and crosses her legs, leaning back, getting comfortable. I wish I could do the same.
"Um..." I begin, not really sure where to start. "Well...I guess I have a crush on someone who I really shouldn't have a crush on. I need to know how to make it stop."
Julie tilts her head to the side with a smile. "And why shouldn't you have a crush on this person?"
I bite my lip. "It's Zane Peterson."
Understanding flickers across Julie's face, and she purses her lips. "Ah," she says. "Quite a reputation he has. But why can't you have a crush on him?"
I huff a little laugh. "Well you just said it yourself. Zane has a reputation for a reason," I reply. "He and his friends have been bullying me constantly since the beginning of the year."
Julie nods, but no sympathy crosses her face. I'm relieved by that. Pretty much every time I tell anyone I'm bullied, they immediately pity me as if being bullied is the most awful thing in the world. It sucks, but it's just kind of...whatever. I don't need people's sympathy.
"Why do you think you have a crush on him?" she asks, reaching for her travel coffee mug on her desk and taking a sip.
I finally lean back against the backrest of the couch, sighing. "I have no idea," I say, shaking my head and running a hand through my hair. "I mean...Zane is obviously attractive. But it's more than that. Like the first time I saw him, he wasn't with his friends. He was at Hartley's Bend with his little brother, and he gave me this smile that was just...it was one of the nicest smiles I've ever seen."
The corner of Julie's mouth quirks up as she takes another sip of her coffee. "I love a good smile," she chuckles. "Is there any other reason you can think of for why you like him?"
I swallow, and chew on my lip as I wrack my brain. "I don't really know," I say. "I mean, for the first couple months of school, Zane was nothing but mean to me. But he looked at me sometimes like...I don't know, like he was actually seeing me, you know?"
Julie nods. "Did that feel good?"
I smile a little. "It felt amazing. No one's ever looked at me like that before."
She purses her lips, her eyes twinkling. "Can you think of anything nice that Zane has ever done for you?" she asks.
My mind immediately floats back to when I was in Zane's bathtub. That wasn't exactly nice per se, but it was definitely unexpected. So I tell Julie about it. I tell her about what happened in the woods, leaving out the more graphic stuff, and I tell her about waking up in Zane's bathtub. Julie's face pops with surprise, and she smiles a little as I talk.
"And then, this morning," I continue, "Zane's friends started to mess with me at my locker...and Zane just stopped them out of nowhere. He stood up for me, and no one's ever done that before either. He's been acting so strange, and staring at me in class and stuff. I just don't know how to respond."
Julie takes another sip of her coffee before setting it back on her desk. "It sounds to me like maybe Zane is coming around," she points out.
I shrug a little. "He's definitely acting weird but...Zane isn't a good guy. He has some good in him, but he's not a good guy to have a crush on."
Julie cocks her head a little. "How do you know? Maybe there's another side to Zane that you're sensing, and that's the reason you have a crush on him."
I run my hand through my hair again, looking over at the little frogs in their tank. "I
don't know..." I say. "I just really need to stop. I need to get over this. Do you know how I can get over it?"
Julie sighs and shrugs. "The best I can think of is maybe trying to go on dates with other people," she suggests. "Force yourself to move on, and eventually, I think the crush will fade."
I purse my lips, my mind wandering back to Joey in theater. Maybe Joey would go on a date with me. I wonder if that'll even work. Julie leans forward a bit in her chair, studying me, and I look back at her as she chuckles a little.
"I don't think anything is wrong with you, Ariel," she says. "In my opinion, I think you have a gift."
My eyebrows press together in confusion. "What do you mean?"
She shrugs. "You see people. You see the good in them," she says, folding her hands together in front of her. "So tell me, what good do you see in Zane?"
I blink at her, swallowing, rubbing my arm where Zane touched me this morning to help me up from the ground. I can feel his strong hand still on me. It felt so amazing. I hate that one little touch from the guy can make me feel like I'm having a heart attack.
"I suppose...he's very good with his brother. At least from what I've seen the few times I've seen them together at Hartley's Bend," I respond, "And he did defend me this morning. I don't know."
"Well see?" Julie says. "There's some good in him right there. You've caught glimpses of his other side. Now is it so bad that you have a crush on that side of him?"
I huff a little breath, licking my lips and shrugging. "I suppose not," he says. "But it still doesn't change the fact that it's unhealthy for me to have a crush on my bully."
Julie makes a little thinking noise. "But is he really your bully anymore? You say he defended you this morning. Maybe he's changed his mind about picking on you."
I look at her, and I actually see her point, which sort of scares me. She sounds a bit like Bonnie, and what her thoughts were on Zane. And I knows there's good in Zane. I know there's a lot of good in him that he doesn't let people see. Somehow, I can see it though. I see it in the way his expressions shift sometimes, and in the way he acts with his brother. I see it in the regret he had in his eyes the day I woke up in his bathtub, and the way he looks at me sometimes like he sees something in me too.