Bully (Angel & Demons Trilogy Book 1)

by Ashley Love

  I swallow and go to say something else, but then the warning bell rings signaling the end of the period. I'm here over my lunch, and my stomach is growling a bit, but I felt like this was more important.

  Julie quirks a little grin at me. "I guess our time is up," she says, leaning forward a bit. "You up for some homework?"

  I snort. "I have enough homework as it is."

  She chuckles. "Not that kind of homework. It's not too hard. I just want you to try something."

  I shrug. "Alright, I suppose."

  "If you're up for it, I want you to try to smile at Zane the next time you see him," she says. "Just give him a little smile. Try to be friendly, you know? You don't have to say anything to him. Just smile. Acknowledge his presence."

  I feel a little nervous flutter in my stomach at the thought of smiling at Zane. It would be nice, and it would feel good, but isn't that the same as flirting?

  "Why?"

  Julie shrugs again. "Just an experiment. I'm thinking that maybe if you smile and start to acknowledge Zane, he'll warm up a bit. And then you won't feel so bad about this crush of yours. Maybe you can even be friends."

  I actually laugh a little nervous laugh at the thought of me and Zane becoming friends. That actually sounds ridiculous. But I don't argue. I just nod. "I'll try," I promise her, and she nods and smiles.

  "Great," she says. "Come back and see me sometime soon, tell me how it goes." She scoots back in her chair and waves me off. "Now get out of here before you're late," she adds, smiling widely at me.

  I think I like her a lot. She's not like what I expected a counselor to act like. She's warm and goofy, and surprisingly intuitive. And I do feel better after talking out my thoughts with her. She's made me feel better about this whole situation.

  I give her one last smile, and eye her tank of frogs once more, before I exit the office. My stomach flutters nervously as I make my way to class, because my next class is math. I know Zane will be there, and I haven't quite mentally prepared myself yet for this smile I have to do. I wonder if maybe I can put it off for a little bit, and smile at him some other time. Maybe put it off until tomorrow.

  But I shouldn't. I should just get it over with. Just smile once at him and call it a day. If I don't, I'll just be worrying about it all night.

  When I walk into class, Zane isn't at his desk yet. So I take a seat in the front of the room where I usually sit. Mr. Wyatt doesn't have assigned seating in his classroom, but students have pretty much just picked the seats they want and have stuck to them all semester. I think maybe I might switch it up next semester and sit somewhere else as I rifle through my backpack and pull out all the supplies I need for math.

  When I have my notebook out and open, and the date written at the top of my paper, like the good little straight-A student that I am, I raise my eyes. In my peripheral vision, I see Zane walk into the classroom, and his eyes instantly fall on me, like they've been prone to do the past few weeks. Only this time, I raise my head and return his gaze. And I freeze up. I don't know why I'm so nervous, but I freeze up, and end up just staring back at him with a blank face.

  Zane looks a little surprised that I'm looking at him, because I usually avoid looking at him in the cafeteria and in math class. He flushes, a little pink tinge to his cheeks that I find so endearing, and he glances away, walking to his desk quickly and out of my line of vision.

  Damn it. Now the only way I can smile at him is if I actually turn and look back at him, and that doesn't seem casual enough. But I have to do it now. I have to get this over with, or I won't be able to focus for the entire class. The bell rings just as the last students are taking their seats, and Mr. Wyatt is scribbling a few things on the chalkboard in the front of the room. Everyone is still chattering away with each other since class hasn't exactly started yet.

  I have to do it now, while I have the chance.

  So I swallow back all my nerves, gulps past the lump in my throat, and just do it. All I have to do is turn my head a little to see Zane's desk. He's is staring ahead at what Mr. Wyatt is writing on the board, but he glances at me when he sees me looking in his peripheral vision. We just stare at each other across the room for a couple seconds, and then I muster up the courage to do it.

  I smile.

  It's a tiny smile, just the corners of my mouth lifting, barely there. I've been told by a lot of people that my eyes are very expressive, and when I smile, even if the smile is small, my eyes twinkle with it. So I rely on that, because my lips are frozen. The smile doesn't last very long, and I see Zane's throat ripple as he swallows, his face surprised.

  Zane's so surprised, that he doesn't have a chance to smile back before Mr. Wyatt starts talking, and I turn back around. My heart is throbbing and my stomach is full of butterflies, but they're not nerves anymore. It's just that happy, fluttery feeling of being in the same room as your crush. And for once, it doesn't feel bad.

  Julie was right. That felt amazing. Even if Zane was too surprised to smile back. It felt good.

  And I have to force myself not to sit there grinning like an idiot at my desk for the rest of math.

  43

  A couple days later on Friday, the last day of school before winter break starts, Zane sees banners and posters hanging all over the school advertising the winter play. Tickets are free for students and five dollars for any outsiders that come in. There are three showings at 7 PM on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and Zane has never been to a school play before, but he thinks he might go. Mostly because he can't stop thinking about the way Ariel smiled at him, and how it lit up her whole face, and how those blue eyes sparkled like sapphires.

  And God, Zane hates the fact that he's got poetic thoughts swimming around in his head because of Ariel. Sapphires, really? He scoffs and closes his locker, pushing his way past crowds of students excited about the fact that the school day just ended and it's officially winter break.

  Zane's never been too thrilled about breaks from school, because that means he has to spend more time at home where his father is. It's cool that he gets to hang out with Liam more, but Mike is a pain in the ass when he's grumpy in the middle of the day, and Zane can avoid that when he's at school.

  He's considering maybe texting Noah to hang out. When it's just Noah, it's nice. He doesn't have to deal with Gordon's cockiness, or Ryker being a spoiled brat, or Slate being...Slate.

  But he misses Noah. The pompous Brit is his best friend.

  Zane pushes his way out the door of The Dungeon and hugs himself as the chill of winter hits him hard. It's actually snowing a little, but it's so light that the snow looks like ashes floating through the air. Zane stuffs his hands into his pockets, quickly lighting up a cigarette and holding it between his lips so he can warm his hands up.

  Just like every day, he has to pass The Docks on his way to the woods to go home. He tries to rush out of school quickly and get to the woods before his friends are at The Docks, but today he was a little late. He can't help but look over there as he passes by, despite the fact that he doesn't really want to.

  And of fucking course he would immediately lock eyes with Slate. It's mostly because of the fact that Slate is already looking at him as he walks, and Zane is getting real fucking tired of the way he stares at him. It makes his skin crawl. And doesn't Slate have any fucking shame at all? He shouldn't be looking at Zane the way he's looking at him after what he did to him at Ghost Town. What gives him the goddamn right? Is he really that fucked up in the head?

  When he looks at Slate, Slate grins at him, just like he always does when Zane happens to see him. Zane can't help it. He can taste blood in his mouth, can feel the memory of his teeth sinking into Slate's tongue. He shivers and almost drops his cigarette from where it's clasped between his lips. Slate raises his hand and waves at him, just a little wiggle of his fingers, and Zane glares and looks away, fighting back a wave of nausea as he disappears into the woods.

  This is so stupid. It was
disgusting what happened at Ghost Town, but shouldn't Zane be getting over it by now? It's been since November, and it's already almost Christmas now. It's been almost a month since Slate attacked him. So why does Zane still get chills down his spine every time he sees him? Why does he still have trouble sleeping sometimes? Why can't he even jerk off without throwing up and having a panic attack? He's blue-balling himself because he can't just get the fuck over it already and masturbate like a normal teenage boy.

  Zane works himself up into a pretty foul mood by the time he gets home, but he tries to swallow it down. He doesn't want to be in a bad mood in front of Liam anymore. His poor brother is getting emotional whiplash from Zane. Zane needs to pull himself together. He's supposed to be the strong one in the family. He's supposed to be the one who worries about Liam— not the other way around.

  He takes a minute to finish his cigarette and calm down outside his house. He fights the urge to pull up his sleeve and press the glowing tip to his arm again. He doesn't have any privacy right now, and as much as he wants to do it, he doesn't want anyone to see him burning himself like a regular emo.

  Zane knows it's sick, that he's taken a liking to burning his arm. He knows deep down that it's classic self-mutilation, but he refuses to acknowledge that fact. He doesn't want to think of it like that. This is only temporary, right? Just until he gets over what Slate did. Just until he can deal with it on his own without hurting himself. And it's not like he's going to start cutting himself. So technically it doesn't count, right? Isn't that how it works?

  He swallows and shakes off the urge to put out his cigarette on his skin, and stubs it out on the side of his house instead, flicking the butt into the window well and heading inside.

  "Liam, you home?" he calls as he carries his backpack down the hall.

  "My room!" Liam replies, and Zane puts on his best happy face before he wanders in there, flopping down on Liam's bed just like he always does.

  "Whatcha doing?" he asks, and Liam gives him a weird look.

  "You're unusually chipper," he comments. "What's got you in a good mood?"

  Zane snorts. "It's winter break," he says. "No school for three weeks. It's awesome."

  Liam rolls his eyes. "I guess," he says, and Zane laughs.

  "You're such a nerd. You like school too much."

  Liam chews on his lip. "It just sucks not being able to see Kylie."

  Zane actually laughs, and it's a genuine laugh. "Aww, poor baby," he teases. "Haven't you asked her out already?"

  Liam flushes red. "Actually...I have a date with her next week."

  Zane's eyes widen and he actually sits up. "Are you serious?" he asks, a smile spreading across his face, and Liam nods sheepishly. Zane whoops triumphantly. "Way to go little brother!" He holds his hand up for a high-five, and Liam just raises one eyebrow and looks at it.

  Zane rolls his eyes and takes Liam's wrist, slapping his hand against his own, forcing him to give him a high-five. Liam pulls his hand back. "Don't make a big deal out of it. I don't know if she even likes me."

  "Well she said yes, right?" Zane points out, and Liam nods. "So she likes you!"

  Liam pauses, thinking that over, and then he smiles a little, not saying anything, looking back down at his homework. And Zane has no idea why Liam is even doing his homework right now when he has the next three weeks to do it over winter break.

  Zane flops back on the bed and tucks his arms behind his head, trying to banish any thoughts of Slate from his mind. For now, he feels safe thinking about Ariel, and he focuses on that endearing smile she gave him in math class a couple days ago, because it makes him feel better.

  He's not really sure why he immediately jumped in to defend Ariel when his friends were beating her up in the hallway. He'd just acted on impulse, and honestly he was a little embarrassed afterwards. But it felt sort of good. He feels like every little tiny thing he does to help her is one step closer to him making up for what he did to her in the woods. He hopes at least he's redeeming himself a little bit. He never expects to be forgiven for what he did, but at least he can do whatever he can to make it right.

  He remembers the winter play tonight and turns his head towards Liam. "Hey, just so you know, we're going to the play tonight at my school."

  Liam raises both eyebrows this time and looks at Zane skeptically. "Are you serious?"

  Zane crinkles his forehead. "Yeah, why?"

  Liam snorts. "Dude, you've never been to a play in your life. Why now?"

  Zane purses his lips and shrugs, the shrug made awkward by the fact that he's laying down. "I don't know, I just feel like it. And you're coming. If I have to sit through it, then so do you."

  Liam rolls his eyes. "I like plays, so it's not like it's that hard for me to go. But you're probably gonna be bored out of your mind."

  Zane chews on his lip. "Whatever," he says, looking back at the ceiling. Truth is, he doesn't like plays. But he knows he's not going to be bored, because Ariel will be there. And anywhere where Ariel is, is never boring. She's so nice to look at. And Zane has been there for some of the play's rehearsals, and found them entertaining as hell, mostly because the theater kids just laughed the whole time.

  Zane sighs and pushes himself up from Liam's bed. "I'm gonna go shower before we go. The play's at seven but we should probably get there early if we wanna get good seats."

  Liam makes a humming noise in acknowledgement, and Zane ruffles his hair on the way out of his bedroom, just because he knows Liam hates it. Liam absentmindedly smoothes his shaggy hair back down and continues on his homework. Jesus, he has a lot of homework for a seventh grader, but Liam is in mostly advanced classes. One of his classes is even a high school class. It makes Zane so proud, but he feels bad for Liam's brain sometimes.

  He wanders down the hall to the bathroom, glancing at Mike's door on the way. His door is open, and Mike isn't in there. Good. Zane doesn't feel like dealing with his father right now.

  He closes the door to the bathroom and locks it just in case, and then strips down. He hesitates before getting into the shower, holding out his arm and peeling the Band-Aids off his burns that he's been keeping on there. Swallowing hard, he turns the shower on and slips inside.

  He smells like smoke and school and sweat and it's gross, so he scrubs himself down with Liam's frou-frou lemon lime body wash until his skin sparkles. He carefully avoids his forearm with the burns on it. He's added a few more the past couple of weeks since he first burned himself, and he can't help but look down at them and study them in the shower.

  The first two he gave himself are healing surprisingly slowly. The blisters had eventually popped and peeled off, leaving a nauseating hole in his arm that oozes constantly and is vulnerably open. It's kind of counterproductive to put a Band-Aid over them, because they ooze too much and they don't scab over. They just turn into a mushy mess that's, frankly, disgusting. Zane tries to leave them open to the fresh air as much as possible, leaving the Band-Aids off when he sleeps. But at school, he has to put bandages on over them so his long sleeves don't rub on them.

  He's given himself three more burns since the first two, and they're just beginning to lose the blisters too. He wonders how long it's going to take the burns to heal. They're actually kind of a bitch. They're taking so long to scab over, and he constantly has to hide them, because it's kind of obvious what they are.

  And the more he burns himself, the stronger the urge becomes to keep burning himself. The more burns he gives himself, the more he wants to do it. The urge has just been getting stronger and stronger over the past couple weeks.

  That should be a little concerning to Zane, but he doesn't worry about it too much. It makes him feel better, and he's grown to absolutely love that addictive rush of endorphins that floods his body after every time he burns himself. It makes him forget about everything, even Ariel. When he hurts himself, it's like nothing else matters. It's almost like a reminder that things can't get much worse t
han they already are, so why worry?

  He's sick. He needs mental help. But he's not going to acknowledge that right yet. He's just going to enjoy it.

  And wear long sleeves.

  He sighs and finishes up in the shower, climbing out and drying himself off. He sticks more bandages over the burns, little Band-Aids with various space-themed prints on them that Liam insisted they buy. They make him smile, but he feels a little sick for smiling, and a little heavy in his gut, because he's using Liam's Band-Aids to cover the evidence of his mental problems. And that's kind of fucked up, right?

  He wraps a towel around his waist and gathers his dirty clothes, slipping down the hall to his room and pulling on a fresh pair of jeans and a long-sleeved green shirt. Ruffling up his wet hair a bit so that it dries the way he likes it, he wanders down the hall to the kitchen and throws together a couple grilled chicken breasts for his and Liam's dinner. He sprinkles a little season salt on them and carries them back to Liam's room, plunking one down in front of Liam on his desk.

  Liam has a fork, but he decides to just pick up the chicken breast and eat it with his fingers like a chicken tender. Zane rolls his eyes and spears the whole breast with his fork, eating it like a corn dog instead. Liam grins at him around a bite and chews with his mouth open, smacking his lips as obscenely as possible.

  They end up sitting there having a contest to see who can chew their food the loudest and as obnoxiously as possible, laughing a little and spitting at each other.

  When 6:00 rolls around, they throw on their jackets and head out to walk through the woods to the high school. Zane feels a little antsy as they walk, because he half expects to see Slate sitting at The Docks still. But he's not there when Zane and Liam pass by, to Zane's relief.