The Broken Souls

by Rivka Spicer

  “Are you okay Jenny?” Tom’s sister Hailey asked curiously, seeing her expression. “You look a little wild.”

  “I’m fine.” Jen managed a quick grin. “Just trying to imagine you lot all being my in-laws.” Hailey burst out laughing.

  “Well it’s long past time is all I can say.” She replied as Tom’s mother stuck her head round the door to announce that dinner was ready. “If he hadn’t proposed when he did the rest of us might have taken things in hand.”

  “Hey, organise your own love life before you start on mine!” Jen teased and Hailey flushed scarlet, taken by surprise. “Have you met someone?” Jen gasped as they took seats at the huge dining table and Hailey looked round to check that no one was listening.

  “Maybe.” She admitted when she was sure they weren’t being overheard. “We’ve only been out a couple of times, but I really like him.”

  “I’m so pleased for you!” Jen smiled broadly at her and was about to say something else when Tom’s father interrupted them.

  “What are you two whispering about?” He asked and both girls jumped.

  “Not a lot. Just wedding stuff.” Jen covered for Hailey. “Where is Tom anyway?” His father shrugged.

  “No idea. Didn’t he say anything to you?” Jen shook her head.

  “Only that he was going to meet me here. He must be running late.”

  “Probably.” He went back to carving the meat and Jen winked at Hailey.

  “We’ll talk about it later.” She promised and Hailey grinned.

  “You’re the best big sister I’ve ever had.” She declared and Jen chuckled, even as her heart sank.

  Tom arrived halfway through dinner in a flurry of apologies about his flight being delayed and rushed around the table kissing cheeks before collapsing into a chair by Jen. He looked exhausted and rumpled and Jen smoothed his hair with a fond grin.

  “Hello stranger.” She welcomed. “How was Brussels?”

  “Cold and wet.” He grinned back. “It’s good to see you again. I missed you.”

  “I missed you too.” Guilt tore at her heart with claws of steel and Jen swallowed, feeling tears threatening. Forcing down the lump in her throat she returned to her food resolving to call the whole thing off with Mark. Tom was a good man and he loved her deeply – he didn’t deserve what she was doing to him.

  Later that night after they had returned home Tom asked what was wrong.

  “You’ve been so quiet all day.” He told her gently. “What’s the matter?” Jen shrugged.

  “Nothing really.” She lied. “I’ve just been thinking about this deal with the clothes. It’s a lot of work and even with Tessa on board I think we’re going to struggle. It’s a lot to take on.”

  “It’s worth it though.” Tom pulled her into an embrace. “Isn’t it what you’ve always dreamed of? If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth aiming for.”

  “You’re right, as always.” Jen smiled against his chest, breathing in his familiar scent and enjoying the feel of his arms around her. “I love you Tom.”

  “I know. I love you too.” He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tightly. “Just think, this time in four months, we’ll be married. Scary isn’t it?” Jen forced brightness into her voice.

  “You can say that again!!” She chuckled and Tom laughed with her.

  “It’s ok. As long as we love each other it’ll all be great…”

  Chapter eleven

  For the next two weeks Jen ignored all of Marks calls and emails, realising that if she spoke to him she’d cave in and she needed to be strong. His voicemails got deleted without being listened to and his letters went into the bin unopened. Nkara was so worried for Jen – she was clearly distressed and there was nothing she could say to her about it – Jen didn’t want to know. It was clear that she had decided to dismiss her memories as figments of her imagination despite all evidence to the contrary and as far as Nkara was concerned Jen was making the biggest mistake of her life. After the fourth time Mark had called the office in one day she snapped and went through to Jen’s room.

  “Jen, you have got to sort this out.” She announced. “As someone that loves you, I am telling you this for your own good. You have to speak to him.”

  “I can’t.” Jen was pale and tired-looking and despite her frustration Nkara’s heart went out to her.

  “Why not?” She took a seat in front of Jen’s desk and watched as Jen dropped her pencil and rubbed her eyes.

  “Because I want him Nkara and if I speak to him I’ll end up in an even bigger mess than I’m in now. Tom doesn’t deserve it.”

  “And you think Mark does?” The tone was gentle but the question pointed.

  “Of course he doesn’t!” Jen was horrified. “I just don’t know what else to do.” She looked close to tears and Nkara sighed.

  “Would you rather I spoke to him?” She offered and Jen shook her head.

  “And say what? That I was quite happy to have a fling with him but now that the cold light of day has shone on my actions he’s entirely disposable?” The tears did come then. “I should never have slept with him. It was all a big mistake.”

  “If it was a mistake then why do you still want him?” Nkara pointed out. “What about your memories? Are you going to split your soul again for Tom? Is he worth it? Will he make you happy for the rest of your life or will you spend all the years from now until you die wondering what might have happened?”

  “I don’t know!” Jen leaned back, scrubbing her eyes furiously. “I don’t know why I want him! I don’t know if they really are memories! And I don’t know if I’ll be happy with Tom but I won’t know until I try it and find out. Nkara, nowhere in my so-called memories does it say what happens if I choose the other man. What would have happened if the empress had gone with the gladiator and spent the rest of her life living in miserable exile? That doesn’t sound like happiness to me. What would have happened if Bint’Anath had gone with Ankhmet – they’d have spent their lives on the run from the Pharaoh’s wrath far away from everything and everyone they’ve known and loved. I don’t know if what I have with Mark is love and it’s a lot to risk for lust.” Nkara couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

  “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love him.” She demanded and Jen couldn’t. Instead she looked at her hands where the tears had dripped on them. “Jen, it may seem as though they’d have had miserable lives if they’d made a different choice, but they’d have had love. Isn’t that worth it? Even the poorest man can be happy if he has love.”

  “I don’t know that love is enough.” Jen said dully, tears finally passed. “Especially when I’m risking it on things that may or may not be memories.”

  “Would it make a difference if you could prove they were memories?” Nkara asked and Jen shrugged helplessly.

  “Who knows? Even if they are real it doesn’t make the decision any easier. I didn’t want to hurt anyone Nkara and now look what has happened. It doesn’t seem to matter who I choose it’s still going to cause hurt. I don’t even know Mark, but I do know Tom.” For a while Nkara was silent and then she sighed.

  “I don’t think you should make a decision until you are in control of all the facts.” She said. “I think you should stick to the original plan and go to Egypt. See if it stirs anything. It is a terrible thing to do to any man and I pity you having to make the choice, but we’ll always be here for you, you know that. Whoever you leave behind will get over it eventually, but if you make the wrong choice I don’t know that you will. You’d have to live with it forever and that’s a very long time. Go to Egypt. I’ll cover the office. I’ll even call Kim and arrange it for you. One way or another you have to know.” Jen nodded.

  “Okay. I’ll go to Egypt.” She took a deep breath and felt a strange calm now that the decision had been made. “I’ll tell Tom tonight that I’m going away.”

  “Good.” Nkara smiled reassuringly. “I’ll go ring Kim now and find out when you can go.”
>
  Kim was delighted to hear she’d have a visitor and within an hour Jen was booked into the Sonesta Hotel in Luxor where she’d have a room overlooking the Nile and across to the Valley of the Kings. Her flights were paid for from the company account and she had a week to pack. When she put the phone down from the travel company, Nkara sat and closed her eyes, struggling with her conscience about what to do next. As Jen’s friend she felt it was her duty to do all within her power to protect her from hurt, but what was she supposed to do when doing the right thing would cause hurt as well? Fate, it seemed, settled the decision for her. The phone rang. She knew who it was before she picked it up and knew what her decision was going to be before he even said hello.

  “Hi Nkara, it’s Mark.” He sounded exhausted and heartbroken.

  “Hi Mark.” Nkara cleared her throat. “Look, she won’t let me put you through but I think she’s making a mistake.”

  “You do?” He sounded astonished.

  “Yes I do. So that’s why I’m going to tell you this but if you hurt her I will hunt you down. Do I make myself clear?”

  “Absolutely. Tell me what?” The hope in his voice made her smile.

  “She’s going to Egypt in a week’s time.” There. It was said. She might as well go the whole hog and hope for the best. “Her flight is on Friday afternoon and she’s booked into the Sonesta. The rest is up to you.” Hanging up before he could say anything, she murmured a brief prayer to her spirit guides that she’d done the right thing and then went back to work. Only time would tell.

  Later that afternoon she went back to Jen’s office to run some fabric swatches by her and found her in tears staring moodily out of the window.

  “Oh Jen!” She dropped everything on the desk and went to hug her. “What’s wrong? Is it the clothes? Is this too much to take on?”

  “No.” Jen swiped at her eyes even as she hugged Nkara back. “I just...” she sighed. “This is going to sound childish but I keep thinking ‘why me?’ you know? Why did this happen to me? It’s not fair. Of all the millions of people in this world why did it have to be me that got these memories that have screwed up everything?”

  “Because you’re a very special person. The universe does not give us tests that we are not able to handle.” Nkara said gently. “Even in the times when we think it’s too much and we are going to break we still manage to come out the other side intact. Sit down, there’s something I should tell you.” Jen took a seat by her desk and Nkara pulled the chair around from the other side to sit close to her. “About six years ago I met a man that utterly confounded me.” She began. “I just couldn’t read him and we were just starting out with the House of Anderson then so everything was crazy with the studio. I couldn’t ask you for your opinion because you were so consumed with your designs.” She smiled gently to show she felt no sadness or annoyance at this fact. “We ended up in a relationship. It didn’t last long because shortly after we got together he started hitting me. I made excuses and justifications for the first few times and then eventually I realised that if I didn’t have more respect for myself he would end up killing me and I left him. He didn’t take it well and for weeks I was terrified for my life, every time I saw him following me around. One day he suddenly stopped and I later heard through the grapevine that he had been arrested for assaulting another woman severely in a brutal attack. He went to jail for a long time. I fell apart. I had been so confident in my own powers that my total inability to see him coming or see the fact that he was a danger to other women after I left him made me doubt everything I knew about myself. I went to Mara and spent a couple of nights at her home trying to pull myself back together. She told me some very wise words and I think of them often. She said that love was not something you could judge with hindsight. She asked me, if I had the chance to step back in time and tell my younger self to beware of this man would I do it? Of course I said yes. No one wants to get beaten up on a regular basis. But then she made me examine that decision.” Nkara sighed and leaned back in her chair. “Jen, that whole experience taught me some incredible life lessons. I learned my own strength in finding the courage to walk away from him and I also learned my own limitations. I know myself better now. I learned to appreciate the true value of love. I learned the true value of friendship and the sacrifices that are made towards it. I realised that I loved you too much to hamper your success with my own sadness and that was actually a beautiful thing because up until then I had always taken you for granted as a fixture in my life. It wasn’t until then that I knew exactly how much I loved you and wanted you to succeed. I realised that I had been given tools to help with my gift – you can never understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship until you have actually been there and in having survived one it made me better able to help heal other people who have been there in my role as a healer at the Manse. Mara made me realise that my experiences with this man might have been bitter and painful but I am a stronger, better and more well-rounded person with a greater capacity to love than ever before because of them. I cannot judge that relationship with hindsight. I have to judge it by who I am now and I think that is what you need to do.” She took Jen’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

  “Jen, your memories are bitter and they are painful, so very painful, but look at the person they have made you and will make you in the future. Right now you are feeling pretty low and confused about where the hell all of this is going but you are also learning both the value and the cost of true love and, whoever you choose, that will change you for the rest of your life. In all of this turbulence and this painful journey that you must make you will have me and Kim and others all walking by your side and you will learn how much you truly value your friendships. Whether the strength you gain goes towards finding the courage to leave Tom or the conviction to stand by your duty firmly, you are still a stronger person in this life because of your past lives and as a direct result of the knowledge you now have. Don’t look on this as something bad that has happened to you and ask the world ‘why me?’ look on it instead as something positive that will make you a better and stronger woman. I know that’s incredibly difficult right now but if you make the most of what you have as you go along then in years to come you will look back on this and be grateful for it.” Seeing that Jen was lost in thought, mulling her words over, Nkara chose to leave it there after saying one more thing. “Jen, they say that you can never truly appreciate the light until you have walked in darkness. Take it from someone that has walked in the darkness – it’s true.” Squeezing her hand one last time Nkara left the office and gave Jen some time alone with her thoughts.

  The week shot past in a blur of meetings, sketches, fabric and sewing. Once Jen had roused herself out of her moody state and decided to follow Nkara’s advice about treating it as a positive experience and making the most of what she had, she threw herself into her work and by the time the weekend came round they had pretty much got a collection together. Tessa had been working like a demon, totally enthused by her new role and had been producing work like she had never created before and Jen felt able to leave them all for a few days for her trip to Egypt without stressing about work all the time she’d be away. Friday morning found Jen rushing around her apartment doing some last minute packing while Nkara made tea.

  “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Jen asked, finally heaving a suitcase to the door and collapsing on the sofa.

  “I think you have to know.” Nkara replied neutrally and Jen sighed.

  “Tom thought it was a wonderful idea, going to visit Kim. If only he knew…” She trailed off and sighed again. “I hate to admit it but I’m scared.” She said eventually and Nkara sat down beside her, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly.

  “I don’t blame you. It’s a pretty life-changing concept. You’ve got nothing to lose though.” Jen smiled.

  “How can you say that? I’ve got everything to lose! At least I’ll come back with a tan.” Nkara grinned back at her and squeezed her shoulder a
gain.

  “Come on. Finish your tea and then we’d better go or we’ll be late.” Jen agreed and sipped her tea. It had been so easy to dismiss it all as a figment of her imagination, but now that it came right down to it the doubts were suddenly creeping in. Whatever happened she knew Nkara was right. She had nothing to lose and she couldn’t easily make the decision without knowing all the facts. Perversely it was eating at her inside that Mark hadn’t called for a week. Clearly he’d given up and she hoped with all her being that she hadn’t done the wrong thing by pushing him away. She didn’t know what she was going to do if she got to Egypt and realised the memories were real, although she still had the choice. Just because they were memories didn’t mean her soul really had split or that she should go with Mark – she only had Mara and Nkara’s word for it, even if Nkara was one of her best friends and she’d trust her with her life. At the end of the day she could chase thoughts round and round in her head until she went crazy and she’d still not get anywhere. It was time to see what Egypt had in store for her and then deal with whatever came up.

  Chapter twelve

  It was a six-hour flight to Luxor airport and Jen passed the time in first class watching films. Her stomach had been fluttering nervously with anticipation since the plane had taken off and even the three glasses of iced water she’d had on the crossing hadn’t settled it. She’d used the passenger phone to confirm her landing time with Kim and was glad that someone would be at the airport to meet her. As the plane landed and came to a halt Jen took a deep breath and prepared herself for what she was sure would be a shock to the system. Her nerves were stretched so taught that she almost leapt out of her seat when the cabin crew told her she could leave the plane.

  Stepping out onto the stairs she breathed in the hot dusty air laced with the smell of jasmine and stopped dead as it hit her like a physical blow to the stomach, practically doubling over as a slew of memories and confusion rushed in on her consciousness in a blur of noise and sound. The heat...the air...they overwhelmed her, flooding her mind with memories.