by Candi Wall
Fuck it all, she missed him.
Grabbing her cell phone, she called Chloe. The moment her soon-to-be-ex-boss answered, she said, “Tell me I’m crazy.”
“Okay,” Chloe agreed easily. “You’re certifiable. Now why am I telling you this?”
“Because I love the cover.”
“That’s not crazy.” Chloe chuckled. “That’s good taste.”
“And because all I want to do is hop the next flight to Texas.”
There was a long pause and Shawna wondered if Chloe would reply.
“Do it.”
“What?” She’d expected Chloe to talk her down from the ledge.
“You heard me,” Chloe asserted. “Do it. Go. StyleU can run for a few days without you. And if it can’t, fuck it. Cash is crazy about you, and I think you might be crazy about him. Either way, he could use a friend right now.”
Shawna’s mind wrapped around her statement. Was she crazy about him? Yeah. Yeah, she was. Damn it. “Wait, what do you mean he needs a friend?”
“Nick told me this morning that Cash’s grandmother is dying.”
“He said she was ill.”
“No, honey.” Chloe’s rare use of an endearment made Shawna’s heart race. If Chloe was going soft, it must be bad. “Like, imminently dying. Heart failure. That’s why he left right after the shoot.”
As if she didn’t feel bad enough for how she’d handled the situation, now this? “I am the biggest steaming pile of alley-cat crap.”
“No.” Chloe’s voice softened. “You’re human. Go make it right. There’s a Grumps Jeans Company fundraiser in Dallas a week from tomorrow. If he’s an ass and doesn’t want to see you, you can always use that as your reason for being in Texas. I gave Grumps his contact information, just so you know. StyleU couldn’t offer him much after the cover. Reuse is abuse, you know. Rumor has it, Grumps offered him a contract and he’s going to sign.”
Chapter Thirteen
Cash scrubbed a hand over his face and dumped his half-eaten dinner in the waste bin. Several nurses and CNAs smiled or said hello as he made his way out of the cafeteria, but he just nodded. He’d been at Gram’s side for three days, and he needed some air. Two grown cousins, one brother and an aunt and her brood had stopped in over the last few days, but he expected more as the news of Gram’s decline spread.
Shaking away the strain in his shoulders, he followed the long hall leading toward the entrance. He waited at the locked double doors until a young nurse buzzed him out. Damn, he hated this place. Not that the staff weren’t amazing. They’d taken great care of Gram. She’d said so. It was the expectation of death hanging in the air. The silent, unseeing elderly in their wheelchairs, staring off into space… The babbling, mindless wanders, trying to piece together memories… The petite ninety-eight-year-old woman who sat at the entrance desk, and called him Peter with heartbroken longing, always crushed him.
He was glad that wasn’t Gram. Her mind was intact. Too much so at times. She’d been sleeping peacefully when he’d left her room, and he knew it would be a little while before the struggle to breathe would wake her again.
Stepping out into the evening air, he inhaled deeply, trying to wash the image of her frail body covered in warm blankets from his mind. Losing Gram was going to be the hardest thing he’d ever been through. He followed the pathway through a garden and lost himself in the silence of the night. Nick had called to say he was on his way back from New York, but Gram wasn’t his real reason for coming. His brother was coming back to support him.
No matter how much he’d asked Nick to stay in New York and work on his relationship with Chloe, his brother had refused. Shawn and Miya Dalton had stopped in twice in the last few days and he’d welcomed his friends’ company. The only problem was, watching their newly married euphoria reminded him of what he didn’t have. What he wanted. Family. Not strictly the kind you were born into either. He wanted the kind of family that was considered such because he knew they had his back, and they knew he had theirs.
Miya and Shawn had gone through a hell of a time, but they’d found each other again, fallen in love all over and married. Now, they were expecting their first child.
Nick was coming home with Chloe.
Things were on the right track for his brother and his friends. When would it be his turn? He looked through his messages and found Shawna’s name. He read the text. She’d sent it yesterday, and he’d looked at it nearly a hundred times. Probably would a hundred more.
So things kind of got crazy. Chloe told me about Gram. I’m so sorry. Stay strong and know I’m thinking of you.
He hit the home button and shoved the phone in his pocket. Fuck her and her thoughts. She hadn’t believed in him. Hadn’t trusted that he’d never do anything to hurt her.
He rounded the corner and realized he was outside of Gram’s room. He should go back. She needed him, and he owed her more than he could ever repay. She’d been the only constant in his life, but watching her heart rate slow, her body fail, her nails turn a bluish tinge day after day was taking its toll. He needed a second or two more to regroup.
He didn’t know what he was going to do without her.
Shadowy figures crossed the drawn curtains in her room. Two or three people. That meant something was wrong.
He rushed back around the building, his heart racing. If she woke up and he wasn’t there, or worse, if she passed and he wasn’t at her side, he’d never forgive himself.
Shawna thanked the young nurse and took a seat next to Clara Dillon’s bed.
She was a wispy thin woman with a silvery white braid hanging over her shoulder. The hospital bed swallowed her dainty frame, but even her dull green eyes couldn’t hide her saucy spirit as she considered Shawna. “Do I know ya?”
“No,” Shawna admitted, not sure why she was sitting at Cash’s grandmother’s bedside. Desperation? She didn’t even know what she’d say to Cash when she saw him. She just knew she had to. His neighbor had told her he never left his grandmother’s side, so here she was. “Cash is a—friend—of mine. He always speaks very fondly of you.”
“Cash.” The woman closed her eyes. “He’s my best boy.”
“He’s a good man,” Shawna agreed, not sure what else to say. Coming right out and asking where Cash was would be rude. Even if she was desperate to know.
“He’s the only one of my boy’s kids that gives a damn ’bout family.” Her eyes took on a dreamy look. “Always been there for everyone, even when he shouldn’t have.”
Her heart monitor beeped at a higher rhythm as she spoke, and Shawna reached out to touch her hand. “I’ll go. You need to rest. I just wanted to check in since I was in town.”
“I’ll rest when I’m dead.” Clara chuckled, stalling her retreat. “Why waste a minute o’ what I got left?”
Shawna couldn’t keep a smile in check. Cash’s Gram was a hoot.
“What are you doing here?”
Shawna swiveled around at Cash’s question. She wasn’t sure how he could look amazing when he was going through such a tough time, but he did. Beyond looking tired, no one would know he was watching the most important person in his life waste away. Her heart broke for him. “I was in town for the Grumps Jeans fundraiser. Chloe told me you were probably going to sign with the company, and since I was in town, I thought I’d stop by to see how you and your gram were doing.”
Cash nodded and took the seat opposite Gram’s bed. “How ya feelin’, Gram?”
“Tired.” She let out an impressively exaggerated yawn. “But I’d be forever beholdin’ to ya if you could find me one o’ them super-sized Twix bars.”
Cash scowled. “I don’t think that’s on the doctor’s orders.”
“So?” Gram shot back. “What’s it goin’ to do? Kill me?”
Shawna bit back a surge of emotion. It was easy to see the love between
the two. When Cash stood, she stood as well. “Let me go get it. That way you can stay here.”
Cash ran a hand through his hair. “Won’t take ya long to know Gram.” He leaned over and kissed the old woman’s cheek. “That was her way of getting me out of the room.”
He left then and Shawna stared after him.
“He’s a smart boy.”
Shawna settled back in her seat and studied the older woman. “His world revolves around you.”
“As it should.” Gram cackled. “No. I’m joshin’ ya. He seriously needs to get a life.”
Shawna laughed. She’d once shared that kind of bond with her parents, and she missed it terribly. “So is that why you got rid of him just now?”
“Yes,” she snapped. “Between him fussin’ over me and all the medical people buzzin’ around like mosquitoes, an old girl can’t even close her eyes an’ pass without interruption.”
Her honest response was surprisingly strong. Shawna leaned forward. “You’re not scared?”
“Oh, honey.” Clara reached over to pat her hand. “You get to be my age and you’ll understand. I raised a passel of rowdy kids, and a shit-ton o’ grandkids. Some of ’em weren’t even my own. I had great times, good times and bad times, but not a one I’d trade for all the time in the world. I had me a life I can hang a hat on. Having these sweet nurses changing my diapers ain’t how I pictured the end o’ my life.”
Shawna found Clara as fascinating as any novel, movie or documentary she’d ever seen. “How did you imagine it?”
The old woman’s eyes lit up, and Shawna glanced at Cash as he slipped into the room, hanging back to hide behind Gram’s privacy curtain. “No one can truly imagine their death, girl. No one knows. But there’s any number of ways I’d like to go out o’ this world besides here. Goin’ to sleep and not wakin’ up would be nice. Or one o’ them instant heart attacks. If I wanted a blessed end, I’d have to go with death by sex, chocolate, or food as the top o’ my list.”
Shawna covered her mouth to stop an all-out guffaw. Mostly because of her grandson’s pallor at having heard her admission. Hoping to alleviate some of his shock, Shawna tried for meaningful acceptance. “I think your ways sound magnificent.”
“No. My way is an old woman’s bucket list.” Clara stared at her hard, her chest heaving. “You have more in store for ya. You’re young. You still have a lot o’ livin’ to do. You have to lose someone close to you and find a friend who’s there all your life. You have to bury a pet, and watch a baby come into the world. You have to love someone so hard it’s ruthless just to hear their name. It’s a beautiful kind of pain that tells you you’re alive.”
She had no idea how on target she was, but with Cash in the room, Shawna couldn’t admit how hard it was not having him around. She’d become used to his presence. “I can relate, on some level.”
Clara met her gaze with knowing eyes. “You like my Cash. More than you want to admit. You’s one o’ them independent gals, ain’t ya? Strong and able to do everythin’ a guy can do?”
“Kind of.” Shawna hadn’t ever really seen herself that way until now, and she could see how someone else might. Even more, she was impressed by the woman’s ability to read her so easily. No one else had. Except her grandson.
“That’s all well and good.” Clara nodded, pressing a fist to her chest. “But a gal’s got to know when a good man crosses her path. Trust me, I let one go. Nothin’s worse than the regret of not takin’ a chance.”
Clara’s comments touched a long-dormant place in her heart. Cash was a good man. He didn’t see her size, weight, or legitimize her insecurity. He liked and wanted her for who she was.
Clara’s stats were dropping, her heart rate erratic. “I need to call the nurses.”
“No.” Clara grabbed her hand with more strength than she expected. “Every time they come in, they prolong the inevitable.”
“Clara,” Shawna pleaded. She looked at Cash but he just stood there, staring at them both. Frustrated, Shawna clasped her cold hand. “Please?”
“What will your regrets be?” Clara asked.
After years of hiding, years of shutting everyone out, and five minutes of an old woman’s psychology, she had more regrets than she thought possible. Giving Clara what she needed, and maybe purging her own demons, Shawna glanced at Cash and said, “I regret not accepting, and realizing it was enough, when someone special walked into my life.”
The heart monitor slowed dangerously, and Clara closed her eyes for a long moment. “You talkin’ ’bout my Cash, ain’t ya?”
Cash ran to the hall to yell to the nurses, and Shawna leaned in close to her ear. “Damn right.”
Clara smiled softly, her grip so strong Shawna experienced a moment of hope that she’d last a bit longer. “You tell ’im. There’s nothin’ worse than hidin’ love, baby. An’ my boy deserves to be loved.”
Then Cash was there, holding her hand, talking to her so softly Shawna couldn’t hear what he said. He spoke with such emotion tears burned her eyes. Cash and his gram exchanged soft words, their eyes locked. It was a humbling moment. One she wasn’t worthy of witnessing. One she’d shared with her father and then her mother what seemed like a lifetime ago. She’d always relived the last moments with her parents as a curse. A cross she carried. Watching Cash and his grandmother, she saw it for the first time as what it was. A gift. A chance to say I love you, and thank you, and goodbye…
The line on Clara’s heart monitor stalled and went flat.
Shawna walked around to Cash’s side of the bed. His pain was tangible, and she squeezed his shoulders, letting him know she was there. His hand came up to cover one of hers and tears spilled over her cheeks.
They stayed that way for seconds, hours, minutes… She couldn’t be sure. When a young nurse entered the room to shut off the monitor and check Clara’s vitals, Shawna stepped back. She was the odd man out. She needed to go. He needed his moment with the woman closest to him. He needed his beautiful kind of pain.
She made her way down the long halls, and out to the parking lot, wondering if any of the people she passed were his family—wondering if she should go back. The sad reality was, no one else was there. She remembered being alone. Nobody should have to endure that pain on their own.
She turned back. She couldn’t leave him like that. Her phone buzzed and she pulled it from her pocket. It was Chloe.
You with Cash?
Shawna hurried back, texting as she walked. I am. Gram passed just now.
By the time she reached Gram’s hallway, Chloe replied. Nick and I r ten mins out.
The room was filled, and she stopped at the door. Cash held a little girl on his lap, cradling her sobbing frame against his chest. Shawna stepped back. He wasn’t alone anymore. He didn’t need her.
Shawna turned away before anyone noticed her and managed to make it to her car, swiping tears from her cheeks.
Shooting Chloe a final text, she pulled out of the parking lot. I’m leaving. Family showed up. Take care of him.
Chapter Fourteen
Cash looked at the clothes set out on his bed and took a deep breath.
He could do this.
He wasn’t sure where the offer had come from for an exclusive contract with Grumps Jeans Co., but he was eternally thankful they’d come along when they did. Gram had the kind of memorial stone he’d only dreamed of because of the advance he’d received from signing with the global company. Her funeral had been beautiful and he’d been able to set up a foundation for rescue animals in her name. He couldn’t ask for much more.
So when the Grumps representative had asked him to make an appearance at their fundraiser, he felt he couldn’t say no.
It had only been a few days since Gram passed.
Life was funny, and cruelly ironic.
He hadn’t seen Shawna since the night Gram died, and h
e was pretty sure she’d be there tonight. She’d walked in and out of his life at pivotal moments, and he wasn’t sure where she’d gone from there. All he knew was that he wanted to thank her. For showing up. For giving Gram a focal point. For just being who she was when she wasn’t being city cold.
Shooting her a quick text, he hardened his heart. Maybe someday she’d come around. Truth was, he wanted to spend more time with her. He wanted to show her that they had something hot and instant, and that it would have gone beyond sex if she’d given it a chance. For now, all he could do was move forward.
His phone rang and he hit answer as he dressed. The woman on the other end told him his limo would arrive in five minutes.
Cash hung up and grabbed the clothes. The jeans were pretty sharp. He pulled them on, surprised by the comfortable fit. Gram’s voice lived on in his head though, because she was caterwauling about the holes at his pockets and knees.
Dang, she would have had a kitten.
Pulling the shirt and boots on, he headed out to the limo.
He waved the driver off, imagining Shawna’s reaction. She’d laugh and shake her head. Hell, he was who he was, and he’d never get used to some guy holding any door open for him.
He pulled the door closed behind him and hit the button to roll down the privacy window. “I know you have to get me to this fancy shindig, but I won’t mind if you feel the need to stop at the next neon light so we can grab a beer and a whiskey chaser before we have to deal with the Richie Rich set. Name’s Cash, by the way.”