“Save her, Jai! Save Mommy!” Darin sobbed, his body heaving against hers until he was barely able to say a word. His body was weakening faster than Jai’s. His life was seeping away. Urgently, he cried, his words plaintive howls ringing in her ears.
Jai raged against the sludge, but her body was frozen. More than anything, she wanted to run, to save Darin, to save her mother. But, the sludge fixed her where she stood. Life was draining out of her. She fought the weakness welling inside, unwilling to avert her gaze. “No!” she screamed. The sludge had reached her mother’s feet. Though wrinkled and weary, Mom was every bit as beautiful as she had always been. Mom smiled, bursting Jai’s heart like the sun. And, with one touch, the sludge eviscerated her. Body to ash, her ghostly outline blew away in the wind. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Mom!” Jai retched. “I’m sorry, Darin!” The sludge was burying the last of Darin’s body. It was choking Jai. It’d snuffed her family out.
Jai screamed. Loud. Her body shuddered, jolted awake. Alone in bed, her sweaty skin stuck to the covers, her hair clammy against her neck, but her emotions were raw. She didn’t know where she was. Lips salty with tears; throat burning, hoarse; her mind raced. I didn’t save you. Either of you. I’m so sorry, Darin! I tried, I tried, but I can’t. I can’t save her. I can’t save Mom! Over and over again, her mind screamed. Worthless! she cried, gripping her pillow tight, until the blackness took what was left of her voice.
Chapter 23
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The next morning, Jai stared at herself in the mirror, marveling at the disconnect between the nightmare she’d had and the perfect visage reflecting back at her. As always, her body betrayed her mind, making everything look perfect while her insides were gutted, raw. She gave thanks, though. It’ll be easier to hide this from Joy. She took a deep breath and went downstairs.
“Jai, love.” Joy beckoned her with the wave of a hand. “Come, sit with me.” Jai walked across the two-story great room to the couch where her mother was. Joy pulled a cashmere throw across her lap. Jai smoothed it over Joy's legs.
Jai looked out the window and watched the snow fall. She stoked a fire, then sat on the floor beside the couch. Joy motioned for Jai to come closer, and Jai rested her head across her mother’s lap. The last week, Joy had invited her to relax this way. Today, she stroked Jai’s long brown hair. The sun had lightened it to a golden brown. Jai enjoyed the feel of her mother’s fingers, lacing through her hair, when the nightmare flashed before her eyes. She looked away, her body stiff. Joy frowned. Joy understood her body had aged like any human’s. She was luckier than most, having lived so long without any serious health condition or illness. But, Jai couldn’t ignore the pain. It hurt to see her mother deteriorate and lose the vitality she once had.
“Jai, dear. I know you’re worried.” Joy swept and stroked Jai’s hair, from root to tip, twisting her fingers along the soft curls that had formed at the ends. Joy pictured how Jai’s hair had curled that way, so beautifully, since she was a baby. “But, growing old is natural,” Joy said. “Natural for me.”
Jai lay silently, staring into the fire. For her, growing old was unnatural. She understood, intellectually, that Joy was human, no matter how young Joy was in mind. They were connected, tethered to each other, humming in sync. But, no matter how much Jai wished to suspend time, to prolong Joy’s life, her mother’s wave was waning. Jai was acutely aware of it when they synced, and Joy made no effort to hide that she knew. It was Joy’s way of letting Jai know she understood the state of things, like a private note understood by only the closest of friends. That was what Joy had become, not only the one who had given Jai life, but the mentor, teacher, confidante…the best friend Jai had ever had. No one else had supported her as much as Joy. And, no one ever could. Joy was the last of Jai’s family. When she’s gone, I’ll be alone in this world. Jai couldn’t help but think it. Jai tried not to think of herself. It’s not about me, she chided. It’s the desperation in me, she realized, the anxiety, the fear I’m feeling, truly feeling for the first time. Fear drove Jai to those thoughts.
Deeper still, it was shame. Shame that she couldn’t share her gift, her blood, with others. Darin had died decades ago, when the world didn’t know what sentients were. Many times, she’d wondered if her blood was compatible with his. His illness was rare. She was a teen at the time. But, why didn’t I do more? Couldn’t I have found another way to help him somehow? She found ways to blame herself for not saving him or her father. Time and again, she looked at Joy, believing, I could’ve saved us the heartache…could’ve prevented their passing. For years she’d tried to hide the shame from her mother, but Joy didn’t need to sync to see it. It was clear in the quiet moments. Recently, Joy had caught her, standing with Sean and the rest of the group, crowded by friends, the only one not laughing. It was hard to laugh, though. Jai knew Joy’s passing was near.
And, like a fortune one didn’t want to be told, Joy could look at Jai and see her own impending death. Of course it frightened Joy, to recognize the inescapable truth of it, but death was universal to humans. The more they sparred, the more Joy knew with greater accuracy how much time she had left. She tried to make light of it, calling Jai “my thermometer,” a joke in which Jai found no humor. Eventually, Jai began making excuses, not wanting to lift the veil, to keep the countdown hidden. But, Joy insisted that they continue Jai’s training.
“Your training’s more important now than ever, Jai. Just look at our world. Since that sentient murdered a human, humans are demanding that sentients disclose themselves, like you all belong on some predator list. It’s like slapping a ‘neighborhood watch’ sticker on a lynch mob. It’s only a matter of time before they take matters into their own hands and find a way to hack into the list of so-called ‘anonymous’ testers.” Joy was right. Jai was lucky she hadn’t been tested. Sentients were in danger, and there was no way Joy would let Jai skip her training. They’d trained day in and day out, no matter how painful syncing might’ve been…for either of them.
Soon, Jai realized that the more they synced, the more Joy allowed Jai these moments, to be with her and look away, a place to be together, yet apart. The fire flickered in Jai’s tear-filled eyes, as Joy continued to stroke her hair. “Jai, it’s normal to feel what you’re feeling. I understand. Just remember: it’s not your responsibility to save me. We know I’m human. This life, my life, is like any other human’s.”
A minute passed before Joy broke the silence. “Please forgive me.”
“Forgive you?” Jai began to sit up, but Joy patted her head down.
“I know I’ve hurt you by refusing your help. I know you’ve worked hard to find a scientist who can try to treat me with your blood. I appreciate that, I do. But, it’s not what I want.”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Mom. I respect you and your choices.” Jai said it with conviction, reminding her mother as much as herself. Honoring Joy’s wish was the hardest thing Jai had ever done.
“Yes, yes, I know. But, more than respecting my decision, you need to make peace with it…in your own heart. Don’t burden yourself with worry. Don’t harm yourself with what-ifs, or question if you could’ve made a difference. A difference is only a small blip in time, when it comes to a human life. And, I’ve already lived a long and joyous one. I must go eventually, and I choose to go naturally. Let it be by my own terms.”
Joy paused for a deep breath. “I won’t lie to you, Jai. My body is weak now, weaker than it’s been before. I can feel and sense it. Just know that I’m fine with that. Trust that this is what I want. I know you question if I’m being honest with you; I am.” Jai had always worried Joy was holding back, pretending she didn’t want Jai’s blood, just to protect Jai’s identity. It seemed both were true. Joy didn’t want to jeopardize Jai’s safety, or fight for more time.
Suddenly, Joy stopped caressing her head and straightened her body. Jai steeled herself before turning to face her. “Jai.” Joy’s voice was a calm, soothing balm. She took Jai’s face in her hands a
nd smiled, deepening the wrinkles around her eyes. “Promise me one thing,” she said. Jai held her breath. She tried to avert her gaze, but Joy took her by the chin, redirecting her, square in the face. “Promise me: you will let yourself feel.”
“What do you mean?” Jai laughed, uneasily.
“You know what I’m talking about, Jai. I’ve noticed how you’ve distanced yourself from your friends, even from Sean.” She paused, searching Jai’s eyes for some sign of recognition. “I know it’s been hard, to leave so many human friends in the past, to have so many grow old or fall ill and die. I know it’s been hard on you, to make connections when the life you’ve lived just shows that others will leave you first. It’s hard to be the one left behind. I’ve lost friends too, but not on the scale you'll have to. I do not and would not pretend to know what that will truly feel like. Only you and sentients like you will know what that experience will bring. Just take care not to harden yourself.”
Joy looked at Jai, adoringly. “You know, since you were a child, I thought you were sensitive, in the very best way. And, as you’ve grown, I’ve realized you are much more sensitive than most. In fact, it’s your sensitivity to others that’s made you more compassionate, made you attuned to others in a way most people will never become, sentient or not, even with practice. But, sometimes life can wear on a person. And, since the world’s discovered your kind, the world’s become a very different, frightful place. We’re lucky to have friends and resources, to shield and protect ourselves from it. All I ask is that you resist the urge to go too far. I know life can be painful sometimes, but don’t hide from your emotions, Jai. Let yourself experience life. Feel everything, whether you’re happy or sad, joyous or depressed. It’s what makes you like me. It’s what’s connected us all these years.”
Joy confessed, “I fear you’ll let that part of yourself go, especially once I’m gone. Please, don’t. Even if you’re in pain, go to Sean, find a friend, find many friends, who will hold your hand and help carry you. Life is for living. Rejoice in your life! Pushing others away will only leave you disconnected and alone. I’m not talking about just having people around. You have many people around you, many friends. You always have. I’m talking about letting people in. Let others see you, the real you.
“Don’t trade the uncertainty that vulnerability brings for the certainty that disconnection offers. Develop true connections. Belonging will always be uncertain, and their rewards more beautiful. Be brave, Jai. Don’t just feel. Feel deeply. It’s the only reason to live.”
It was a shock to hear her mother say it out loud. The last decade, Jai had felt a numbness trickle in, but she didn’t think her mother had noticed. Naming it left Jai exposed. She was naked. Tears ran down her face, as she looked into Joy’s deep, brown eyes. “I love you, Mom. I promise I’ll try.”
“I love you too,” Joy said, smiling. “Don’t be afraid,” she whispered. "You’re strong. You’re my daughter, and you always will be.” And, with a bow of the head, Joy touched her forehead to Jai’s, syncing their minds, for the very last time.
Chapter 24
2121
“Jai?” Sean whispered. She lay awake, her eyes still closed, in bed. Jai’s body ached, deep in her bones. It felt like a boulder had slammed into her, pulverized every cell in her body. Her eyes were dry from wringing every last tear. Sean leaned over, wearing the same clothes that he’d worn at the wake.
“Thank you, for staying with me.”
“Of course, Jai. You know I’m here for you.”
It’d taken all of her strength to muscle through the day. Sean drove them, across icy roads, to the funeral home downtown. Jai made arrangements for the monks and greeted hundreds of guests. All the while, a polite smile was plastered on her face. She’d managed to keep it together until the cremation. Then, she unraveled. “This way, Dr. Dean.” The attendant’s voice jostled her to attention. Sean held Jai’s hand tightly in his, as she took her first steps into the private room. There, all the guests’ flowers and cards were arranged, a glorious display of good-byes. In the front lay her mother, resting in a mahogany casket.
Sean loosened his grip and allowed her some privacy. As she walked to the casket, she willed herself to move forward. This is happening, she reminded herself. Right now. This is real. Her heart pounded against her chest. She wanted more than anything to turn away, to pretend that Joy was just sleeping there. Mom will wake up soon. We can go home together. No, Jai. Snap out of it. She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. She breathed deeper, her breath skipping as she inhaled, her ribs knocking, shuddering. She held on to the exhale, trying to steady herself before looking down.
Joy lay, her hair combed gently against a satin pillow. Her eyes were so softly closed, there was no sign of strain along her brow. Her lips a pale pink, she appeared to be at peace, a serene expression on her face. Her arms were folded, one atop the other, across her small waist. Jai remembered their last embrace, how petite her body had been. How their last sync, filled with strong, happy memories of their family, had diminished, until the steady pulse of their connection had faded to nothing. When Jai had opened her eyes, Joy was limp in her arms. She’d kissed Joy’s forehead. It was soft, like a baby’s. She’d breathed in the gentle scent that only her mother had.
Be here, now, Jai chided. She looked down into the casket, forcing herself to see her mother once more. Jai shook her shoulders, and bowed her head. Closing her eyes, she opened herself up, allowing all of her mother’s energy to flow into her.
The silence was deafening. Jai’s body began to shake, as she realized how alone she really was. There was no sign, no signal, of her mother, no vision or emotion to embrace. She opened her eyes, her vision blinded with tears, while her mind’s eye remained startlingly bare. She wished for strength to persevere, to maintain her composure. Thank you, Mom, for being my friend, for loving me, just as much as I loved you. I always will. She blinked, sucking air into her lungs. She tried to remember this moment, this last time that they’d share.
It seemed like only a few seconds had passed when the attendant began to close the casket, to prepare Joy’s journey into the crematory. Sean placed his hands gently on Jai’s shoulders and slowly moved her aside. Jai’s eyes contracted. Here, stay here, Jai thought, again and again, straining for the strength to bear it. Jai watched as the attendant rolled the casket into the cremation chamber. “Dr. Dean, at this time, if you’d like to, we invite you to begin the process,” the attendant whispered. “Or, if you’d prefer, we can begin the process for you.”
“No, I’ll do it,” Jai said, extending her arm. She reached out, toward the button. Joy had wanted it that way. It would be their last sync, the final connection Jai would have with her mother. I have to do it. I must do it, to say goodbye.
Chapter 25
2121
Jai threw a few outfits into a suitcase and ordered fuel for the jet.
“I’ll be back next week,” she said to Sean, who was standing by the bedroom door.
“Jai, please. Let me fly you.” He ran his hands down the length of her arms, but she broke free. She walked fast into the walk-in closet.
“No, I can do it. Really. I know you’re busy with the gang. I don’t want to burden you. I won’t be gone long.” It only made sense to inter Mom’s ashes at their home in Chiang Mai, where Mom and Dad had erected a columbarium for Darin and the rest of the family.
“Seriously, I want to go, to be with you.” Sean took her hand and pulled her in close. She rested her head, the deepness of his voice resounding in his chest. “She was more a mom to me than my own mother. You know that.”
“Yes, I do.” It brought Jai comfort knowing that. Joy had so much love to give, to all those who surrounded her. She knew how to accept others for who they were. Jai knew she needed to work on that, to accept what Sean told her at face value. He’d insisted he fly her, and he wasn’t one to say something carelessly. He always said what he meant, and meant what he said.
> “Good. Then, I’ll meet you in twenty. I just have to make a few calls first.”
Soon after boarding, Jai passed out from exhaustion. By dinnertime, they were in Chiang Mai, sitting in the sala, enjoying the warm night air. It was a welcome respite from the cold winter back home. Sean handed her a plate of food and ate, stopping to aim his fork at her. “I have to say, I’m glad I chauffeured you. You slept most of the way. Just think what might’ve happened if you’d piloted yourself.”
“I know. Thanks. I guess I was more tired than I realized.” Jai wasn’t entirely surprised, though. Since the week before Joy’s death, Jai knew she wasn’t herself. Her sixth sense was like a frayed wire, blaring away. Each beat of Joy’s heart sent an electric shock through Jai’s mind. She was hypersensitive and, after being on edge for so long, Joy’s death had short-circuited her body. Her wires were crossed, melted, and now muted.
Sean caressed her hand from across the table. “What time do you want to go tomorrow?”
“First thing,” Jai said. She headed upstairs, her plate of food untouched.
When she awoke the next morning, Sean was already out, meditating after a morning walk. Jai slipped a sundress over her head and let the thin straps fall loosely on her bare shoulders. Life is worth living, she remembered her mother say. She took a deep breath, trying to place her trust in Joy’s words, and walked downstairs. She found Sean stretching on the deck.
“Hey, you,” he said, and wrapped his arms around her waist. “You look beautiful.” He admired the nape of her neck, then kissed her.
“Morning,” Jai said, her voice flat.
He ran his hands through his thick golden brown hair. “Do you want some breakfast? I could whip something up.”
“No, thanks. I don’t have much of an appetite.”
“I know. I haven’t seen you eat anything for days. I know sentients don’t need to eat, but can you at least join me for some thai tea?” Jai nodded. When he returned, tray in hand, she caught herself smiling. He’d paired tea with rotees. “Knew I’d get you,” he said, watching her eat. “You’re a sucker for condensed milk.” He laughed as she finished her last bite. “Now, we’re ready to go.”
Obsidian: Birth to Venus (The Obsidian Chronicles Book 1) Page 14