by Rune Skelley
Rook yawned and snuggled into his chest. “What time is it?”
Fin fumbled around on the floor by the head of the bed until he located the alarm clock. “A little after 11:00.”
“A.m. or p.m.?”
He checked again. “A.m.”
“I’m pregnant.”
For the first second, Fin thought she must be joking.
The realization that she was serious set loose a blizzard in his head, burying him under images of a future he wasn’t ready for. The whole boarding house was an inappropriate place for children. They’d have to move, a repellent idea. Drinking and playing their music too loud, fucking whenever and wherever they chose, staying out until the next morning, he wasn’t done with those things yet. Now he was going to lose them. They’d have to buy a car. They’d have to behave like respectable adults, like role models.
That was all in the next second.
Then came the guilt, sweeping all of that aside. She must be furious at him for being so careless.
“I’m sorry,” Fin blurted.
Rook stared at him with her magical blue eyes, then she blinked. “You’re sorry? Oh, I thought…”
“What?”
“I thought you would be angry.”
“Why would I be angry?” Fin stroked her hair and gathered her into his arms. “It’s not like you did this to yourself. I should have been more careful.”
“I just thought… I was scared to tell you.”
Fin rocked them back and forth. He wanted to tell her she was being silly, but that felt like the wrong thing to say. He could see how she might have been unsure what sort of reaction to expect, but it disturbed him she’d been afraid.
“I don’t want you to ever be scared to tell me something. I’m so sorry.” He kissed her freckled nose. “You can tell me anything. I want you to know that. And I am sorry.”
Rook nodded, and sniffed. “You need to stop apologizing now.”
Fin nodded too, and they leaned back and looked at each other.
“What do you want to do?” Fin asked.
Rook drew a deep breath. “For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to figure out how to get an abortion.”
She’d kept this to herself for weeks, plural, and he’d suspected nothing. Was their communication that bad? She’d told him to quit saying he was sorry, so he didn’t say anything for a moment. Then, “An abortion, is that what you want to do?”
“I was sure before, but now I’m not. It seemed obvious and necessary, and I was so afraid of losing you.”
“That’s impossible.”
She smiled, but her eyes showed unhappiness. “I wasn’t thinking clearly for a while, so now I’m not sure about anything I decided. Now that I can think, it seems like I should do that. Think.”
Cold dread gripped Fin’s gut. Their marriage was accomplished so quickly, could that be something she felt she didn’t think clearly about? Now he’d made her pregnant, something else she wasn’t ready for. She was the best thing in his life and he felt like he was losing her.
“What do you mean about not thinking clearly?”
Rook squeezed her eyes shut.
“You don’t have to be afraid to tell me,” Fin reassured. Please still trust me.
“I got myself psyched up to tell you I’m pregnant, but I should tell you this, too.” She took another deep breath and Fin braced for the worst. “When I was little, I had these imaginary friends. Really, it was closer to multiple personalities, two extra people living inside my head.”
Bewildered by the conversational turn, Fin held her as she told him about Princess Brook and Princess Bramble and how she’d gone through therapy to deal with them. It was unusual for her to open up about her past, and Fin was gaining a deeper understanding of why. Her childhood rivaled his in dysfunction, surpassed it when you took the mental illness into account.
“Not too long ago, the princesses got loose. They’re how I coped while I was… away. Once I didn’t need them anymore, they wouldn’t leave. They screwed with my dreams, poisoning me against you.”
Fin’s brow furrowed, but with Rook nestled into his chest she didn’t see. He’d been partially right. Part of her didn’t want to be married to him. What on Earth was he supposed to say?
Rook continued, saving him from saying the wrong thing. “When I found out I’m pregnant, they got me convinced you would kick me out. They enjoyed making me miserable. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to ignore them, but they made me skate into traffic.”
“What!” Fin clutched her hands, holding onto her in a reflexive reaction to the thought that he could have lost her so totally. She glanced down at the scabs on her knees.
“I didn’t fall off my board. A car knocked me down. But I’m okay. Really. That’s what convinced me I had to get rid of them.”
“How does that work?”
She shrugged. “It’ll sound crazy, but I guess we’re past the point of crazy already. I went in there, inside my mind. They’d taken over my tower, so I confronted them, had a very uncomfortable tea party, and kicked their asses. I threw them out, and I feel so much better.”
“Threw them out? Out where?”
“I’m not sure,” she admitted. “There was this voice — not one of mine…” She trailed off, looking confused.
Fin felt there was more to the story, but he didn’t doubt the basic truth of it. He had a nagging sense of worry about her mental stability, and a heavy load of guilt. He vowed to keep a much closer eye on her.
Especially in her delicate condition.
“What do we do next?” He rested his left hand on her still-flat abdomen.
“I have an appointment next Monday. I’d like you to come along.”
“Absolutely.”
They hugged, skin on skin.
“I love you, Fin.”
Fin burrowed into her hair, holding her tighter. “I love you too. I love you so much. I’m so sorry I didn’t help you. I knew you were struggling, but I thought it was because you didn’t want to be married.” Tears stung his eyes and squeezed his throat. “You were so frustrated with me, and you stopped sleeping. I was afraid to talk to you about it because I thought I’d lose you sooner.”
Rook brushed her hair off his face and made him look at her. “We’re not too good at this communication thing yet, but we both have to work at it, okay? ’Cause I’m not going anywhere.”
Gazing into his wife’s fathomless eyes, Fin saw she meant it, and the relief made him giddy. He smiled a huge, dopey grin. She grinned back.
Their future was more complicated than he might like, but it thrilled Fin that they had one.
He gave Rook a deep kiss, which she devoured. She wrapped her arms and legs around him and pulled him on top of her.
What the hell, she was already pregnant.
*** *** ***
Severin descended the main staircase, feeling like he was waking from a dream. It appeared to be late afternoon, but of what day he couldn’t recall. The dream almost escaped, but he grasped it and recognized it as a real memory, not a dream at all. He’d spent the past few hours having tantric sex with Melissa.
Resuming his descent, Severin remembered many previous afternoons spent in similar pursuits with his sister, Gale.
She’s never coming back.
He and his twin were created as a pair, counterbalancing each other. If Gale was dead, he no longer had a counterbalance, and would grow ever more destabilized.
He realized this was not the first time he made that connection. His mind was falling to pieces.
Melissa had turned the tables on him. He must have allowed her to understand too much of what he did during intercourse, and now instead of serving as his energy source she stole power from him. She’d done it moments ago, he felt sure, but she had to reflect some of the energy back to him or the whole enterprise would be pointless. He was too far gone to even serve as a slave. Too far gone to understand his predicament.
Except in these few
moments after she’d used him. Carrying the secondary recharge she grudgingly provided, he could think for a little while. He would have to make good use of his time. Lay a trap to set things back as they should be.
Severin started down the final flight of stairs.
Her weakness was drink, Severin remembered. He should create a notebook to keep these ideas in, so he wouldn’t have to rediscover all the same information anew each time. With a scowl, it occurred to him he might already have any number of such notebooks hidden away.
Reaching the bottom of the steps, Severin glanced at the smooth pink stump of his left arm and found a reason to smile. The slab drifting loose in the Elsewhere held the real prize: a mammoth store of power.
Never mind trying to gain control of Melissa, or use her as a surrogate twin. Her job was to deliver that jolt to the Collective Id. While it was stunned, Severin would achieve his goal of becoming the Collective Superego, and he wouldn’t need her, or Gale, or anyone.
All he need do was trick her into touching the slab. The power would arc to her, drawn to such a superb conductor. If she survived at all, she’d be far easier to manage.
Before his wits deserted him again, Severin needed a plan. Something simple, something Melissa wouldn’t object to. Perhaps it could be as simple as encouraging her to experiment with the table. Or rather, reminding her he didn’t want her to.
He turned around, intent on getting back upstairs while he could still form coherent thoughts and Melissa was intoxicated with appropriated power.
“Severin,” Marsh called from the office, “I need to talk to you. It’ll only take a moment.” He came out to the foot of the steps carrying an armload of bank statements.
“I haven’t got time,” Severin muttered.
“This is crucial. Cliff always did the bookkeeping, and since he’s been gone it kind of piled up. Some of the utilities are past due, and needless to say it would be catastrophic for us to lose electricity. Plus, the only names on the accounts are yours, and... Gale. I strongly advise we change that.”
Severin glared at Marsh, who swallowed but didn’t back down. He was right, of course. Severin nodded, and Marsh released a gust of tension.
“We will go to the bank this afternoon,” Severin decided aloud. “Since you’ll be doing the books, Marsh, you’ll be signatory on the accounts.”
The relief in Marsh’s eyes turned to alarm. “Maybe we should discuss the assignment of the financial duties, to make sure we get the best person for the job.”
“You’re the obvious choice. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.”
Marsh blinked and nodded uncertainly.
Severin looked up the stairs, certain he’d just come down them a moment ago.
That’s right, he thought, I was on my way to the kitchen.
CHAPTER TWELVE
GRAINY SQUIGGLY CONFUSION
When two possible fathers are related (brothers, half-brothers, father/son) they may share many DNA markers. This complicates paternity testing and necessitates the use of more extensive analysis. We are happy to provide this service at an additional cost.
excerpt from DNAnswers Labs brochure
“Both of you can watch the screen,” suggested Betty the sonogram technician. She smeared cold blue gel on Rook’s belly and positioned the sensor against her skin. Grainy shapes panned across the machine’s display. Rook looked at the screen with interest, if not eagerness, and Fin squeezed her hand and looked too. So far, none of the images resembled anything Rook could identify.
“How long have you two been married?”
“Four months,” both Rook and Fin answered. They smiled at each other.
Betty nodded, pressing keys on her machine and surveying Rook’s tummy with the sensor. On the screen, Rook thought she saw something that could be a face, but it vanished. Betty ignored it, so Rook decided she must be imagining things.
“Alright, here we go,” Betty announced.
Fin leaned in and said, “Oh, I think I see it.”
Rook got another glimpse of a face, in profile, but it looked all wrong for a fetus. None of the mess on the screen made any sense, but Betty was now using keys on the machine to mark specific places on the image, and Fin was absorbed by whatever he thought he saw. The face flashed by again, then again.
Betty pressed another button and a whooshing, pulsating sound came from the machine.
The rapid rhythm corresponded to the way the face kept coming into view, and soon Rook recognized a circular shape enclosing it. She saw a spinning coin, heads on both sides, turning in time to the baby’s heartbeat coming through the speakers.
Rook watched the spinning coin on the monitor as her memory filled with an unwelcome vision of a desolate lakeside, herself in a black and white gown. The inlaid table beside her, and the inimical chill of the two-headed coin that she had to keep spinning.
“Would you look at that,” Betty said. “We have a honeymoon baby! You’re almost exactly four months along.”
Tears stung Rook’s eyes. She had started to let herself believe it would be a more recent conception, that the ultrasound would leave no doubt Fin was the father. This was the worst possible news.
Fin dropped her hand and left the room without a word.
*** *** ***
Fin stalked to the waiting room, looking for something to break.
After pacing back and forth five times in the small room, he slumped into one of the uncomfortable chairs and held his head in his hands.
Fuck!
He’d been kind of weirdly happy thinking about Rook having his baby, and looking at the ultrasound was exciting. Until, confronted with evidence it could be Kyle’s baby, he instantly felt like a moron for not thinking of it before.
Kyle was supposed to be done fucking things up.
Accepting the idea of fatherhood was difficult, and Fin still hadn’t fully accomplished it. This hit him low and hard.
He guessed he deserved a kick in the nuts for letting his guard down.
No wonder Rook thought he would be angry. She didn’t mention this possibility.
Fin hung his head. It had been just that, a possibility. She hoped it would turn out differently and they could ignore this issue. That’s why she didn’t bring it up.
For that matter, it remained entirely possible the baby was his. Kyle hadn’t been ruled out, but that didn’t prove anything.
Rook didn’t want to be reminded of Kyle any more than he did.
She needed his support, and that was all that mattered.
He got up from the shit-colored chair, and took a steadying breath.
*** *** ***
“Are you two women still fussing over that baby?”
Fin came back into the room and gave Rook a smooch on her cheek. She cried happily then, a little, and he mumbled “sorry” in her ear before seating himself on a stool and taking her left hand in both of his.
“I told you to stop saying that,” Rook reminded him.
“Then I guess I’ll have to stop being such an ass.”
“Are we almost done?” Rook asked Betty.
“Pretty nearly. I just need to get a few more pictures for the doctor.”
Rook looked back at the screen.
The coin was there, but less distinct. As it revolved, more slowly now, she could see past it when it turned edgewise. A small twitch in her abdomen coincided with a leg giving a tiny kick on the screen.
Suddenly, the grainy, squiggly confusion on the monitor contained a baby. With each turn of the coin, Rook’s view cleared for a moment and she found the outline of the fetus’s head, arms, legs, and spine. It was beautiful, and she was thrilled she hadn’t missed it. That she saw, eventually, what the others saw.
Fin squeezed her hand, and she planted a kiss on the back of his.
*** *** ***
On the walk home from the ultrasound, Fin and Rook held hands. The sun was bright, the air cold. Rook looked cute with her fuzzy wool cap pulled all the way d
own, but her legs must be freezing. Fin couldn’t understand why she didn’t buy some pants. He’d made a standing offer to let her borrow a pair of his anytime.
“Thanks for coming back.” She looked up at him, her entrancing eyes red-rimmed and a little teary. “I know how hard that was to hear. I didn’t…” She wiped her eyes on her glove, then cleared her throat and went on, “I didn’t want there to be any chance it was his.”
Fin squeezed her hand, glad she could talk about the issue directly. “Yeah. It’s not good news. But I know you didn’t mean for it to happen.”
They walked on in silence along the quiet, snowy sidewalk.
“I don’t know yet what I want to do,” Rook said.
“Me neither.”
“There’s one thing I do know. I love you and I want to be with you, but I don’t want you to feel trapped.”
“I don’t.”
“You don’t right now.” She smiled grimly. “I know what it’s like to have your dad leave because you’re not really his. I won’t do that to a child. I won’t.” Her eyes threw emphatic sparks. “So if we have this kid together you’re stuck with both of us forever. That’s a huge deal, I know. I’m not asking for an answer right now. I don’t even know yet if I want to have it. I just want you to know where I stand on that.”
They’d stopped walking at some point during her speech and she stared, unflinching, into his eyes. He stared back, hoping he measured up to her standards.
“I understand,” he said.
After a few moments, they resumed walking.
“We need to make this decision soon.”
Fin nodded. Sometimes being a grownup sucked.
*** *** ***
“You wore that on our first date,” Fin said, appraising Rook.
Valentine’s Day and they were going out to dinner. How sickeningly normal could you get? Fin was in a hokey mood and insisted they both wear red, so while she donned her satin dress with the embroidered dragon, he put on a shiny bowling shirt with his black jeans.
“Can I come too?” asked Vesuvius. “I’m red.”