by Katy Winter
Now Sarehl stood in the outer courtyard in the city of Krynn, his entourage swelling about him as he watched the scurrying to and fro and listened to the crisp commands being issued all about him. He ignored them. Strategos Sarehl now moved southwest, to join the northern army temporarily camped not far from northern Kyaran soil. Sarehl stood meditatively, Kaleb to his right and Kalor to his left, Dalmin, Arth and Sache close behind. It was obvious a move was imminent, so Sarehl nodded absently at Kalor and moved across to where the women stood quietly waiting.
"It's time," he said gently to Kasan, who turned at his approach.
"This is so slow," she teased, relaxing so he could throw her up into the saddle.
"I thought," he remarked with an injured air, "we'd done very well. It's been not quite three hours."
"All very well, Strategos," laughed Kasan, settling herself and uplifting the reins. "You don't have a small child to attend to."
"True," responded Sarehl, crossing to Sasqua and holding out his arms to the little boy who wriggled to get to him. Sarehl swung Kalbeth to his shoulder and turned to watch Sasqua gracefully mount. "Do you wish the lad to ride with you, or with one of us, Sasqua?"
"I will take him for the first part of the day," she replied. Kalbeth flung his arms about Sarehl's neck.
"Now then, lad," remonstrated Sarehl gently. "I'm not leaving you and you may ride with me later. For the moment, you go with Mater." Kalbeth only knew a few words, but they were quite distinct.
"Shar," he said succinctly, nestling his head into Sarehl's, the dark curls entwined and fingers clutching hard.
"Back to Mater now, Kalbeth."
Sarehl lifted the little boy high in the air above him, waited for the adorable gurgle that always engendered and saw again the younger brother he'd adored. He thought it cruel this little boy, so endearing and delightful, should cause him such pain. It was something he'd managed to hide from all but Kaleb and he was careful never to let it touch his dealings with a child who was the image of his father. Kalbeth was swung chuckling back to his mother who secured him in front of her, her hand sweeping across the dark head in a gesture of affection.
"He is upset he has seen you so little in the last few days, Sarehl," Sasqua said. "He calls for you."
"I know," murmured Sarehl. "Affairs of state wait for no one, my dear. At least now we're away from all that, and the endless protocol, we'll all see more of each other."
"Everyone is kind to Beth's child."
"To Beth and Sasqua's child," corrected Sarehl calmly. "It isn't surprising. He's an adorable little fellow. You're a very good mother, Sasqua."
Sarehl held up a hand to her. She took it, her gentle smile making her thin face lighten suddenly, her eyes shining when she glanced down at the small dark head against her chest. She and Sarehl saw the thumb tuck in the corner of the mouth and it made them both laugh. He let go Sasqua's hand and turned back to Kasan.
"Are you coming with us?" she enquired. "Or are you walking?"
"I want you both to be as close to Kaleb as you can," he replied. He crossed to her, and, without having to stretch upward, tweaked one of her long tresses. "Pass the lad to one of us as soon as you both tire."
~~~
The journey was made in cool weather, but mercifully the snows had melted and the harsh unrelenting winds had passed. The air was cool but still and any sun was welcome. Sarehl was preoccupied with plans he proposed for the deployment of the army, Kaleb was busy dealing with an epidemic that swept through the entourage, and Kasan was kept busy, too, because Kalbeth got a cold that left him fractious. Sasqua had never fully regained her health, so was unable to manage a sick boy on her own and she relied heavily on Kasan whom she trusted from their first meeting. Kalbeth fretted for Sarehl if the man was gone for more than a short time. Sasqua just smiled at that and reminded Sarehl that Churchik boys grew up with their fathers.
After a week, the little boy was well enough to ride about on Sarehl's shoulders, his hands plucking at Sarehl's curls in sheer delight, his large, blue eyes sparkling. It was on one of those occasions, that Kalbeth came out with a word that startled everyone. Smiling at the giggling and gurgling boy, Sarehl had just swung the child backwards and forwards through the air and was about to place him firmly on the ground, when Kalbeth stared back up at Sarehl and said clearly:
"Da."
As the child's feet met earth, Sarehl went to speak, but something in the boy's eyes suggested he shouldn't. Kalbeth stood quite still and continued to look up, his big eyes wistful.
"Da," he repeated, pointing to Sarehl and then to himself. "Lil Beff," he said.
Kaleb came forward quietly to stand in front of the little boy. He went to his knees, a hand out to Kalbeth.
"Yes, you're a little Beth, lad. And Sar-da is your father, yes, but you've another Da as well. You're named after your Da, aren't you?" The little head nodded.
"Da?" he asked again, turning to Sarehl. Sarehl saw Kaleb's imperceptible nod and immediately lifted Kalbeth in his arms again.
"Aye, lad," he answered gently. "Until you're older you call me Da or Sar-da."
Kalbeth snuggled into him, lifted his head and said in the treble childish voice, "Da, Da, Shar-da."
He considered that for a moment, then began to chant it as he was carried firmly off to bed by a tall man very close to tears.
~~~
Later, when Sarehl came back to the fire, he was met by a thoughtful stare from the healer. Sarehl sat, his eyes on the fire.
"That was inevitable," said Kaleb placidly.
"I suppose," was the response.
"Bethel called you that as a small child, didn't he?"
"Yes."
"And the others?"
"All of them, yes. They had no other father."
"Kalbeth has no father either." The dark eyes lifted from contemplating the fire.
"He has Bethel."
"Not a father he can know and understand, Sarehl. You're a father to him, and, like it is for Bethel, you'll always be that. Even when his own father comes home, Kalbeth will have two father personas quite distinct in his mind."
"I'm not his father."
"You're not Bethel's father either." Sarehl bit his lip.
"He's a son to me," he whispered. "I raised him with Mam."
"So's Kalbeth, my friend. You're raising him with Sasqua. What holds you back from giving fully to that child?" Sarehl looked up sharply at that.
"I don't hold back from him."
"Do you feel it would be disloyal to Bethel?"
"No."
"Are you afraid?"
"Yes."
"What of? That this boy may come to mean as much to you as his father does? That you may lose him as you've lost Beth? Has the hurt over Bethel gone so deep, Sar, you can't bear to give all you once gave one child to another?"
The dark head bowed. It was obvious Sarehl had difficulty sorting out his own mind.
"I don't know."
"Let the boy come to you, Sarehl. Open to him as you did to the others, especially to Bethel. The child's making the overtures." The healer saw hurt in black eyes that briefly met his. "I know you haven't discouraged him, my friend, but I also know there's part of you, deep inside, that rejects the child ever being born. He senses it because there's something very special and unusual about that child. Don't ask me what it is, but he craves absolute acceptance from you, Sar, and when he doesn't get it there's sad wistfulness in those beautiful eyes that follow you."
"I didn't know," whispered Sarehl. "I've tried to be everything to him. I couldn't hurt part of Bethel."
"No, Sar, I know," responded Kaleb, his voice understanding and his hand out to touch his friend's arm. "I don't mean to be unkind. I care for you both."
"He's so much like his father, Kaleb, you simply don't -." The deep voice broke. Sarehl put his head in his hands.
"That's it, isn't it?" said the healer calmly. "Always he acts as a reminder of the boy torn from you, tortured and abuse
d." Sarehl couldn't speak. "Sar, see only the joy you had with Bethel. Enjoy the pleasure of watching Kalbeth grow the way you did with Bethel, and help shape him as you did Bethel.
Let the similarities bring comfort, not grief. Think how blessed you are the lad's so like someone you dearly love, and stop seeing him as an image that haunts and torments you. Think, too, of handing back to Bethel a son as like he was at the same age as you can make him. Take pride in the child you help to mould. He's very young, not yet three cycles, but there's so much he wants to give and he wants to give it to you. The others did and you accepted it. Bethel did. Now Kalbeth does."
"I'll think over what you say," murmured Sarehl tiredly. Kaleb eyed him thoughtfully and said no more.
~~~
The next weeks saw the relationship between one small boy and a very tall man blossom. Dark eyes stared down into adoring blue ones as the pair walked very slowly together, the man guiding little steps with a smile. Sarehl lifted Kalbeth into his arms and chattered to him in exactly the way he did with Bethel and his siblings. Kalbeth saw such an expression in black eyes when he was brought to Sarehl by the fire, he seemed transformed. Kaleb noticed, as the weeks went by, the little boy was calmer.
He said nothing. He just watched with approval. Sarehl in no way held back from Bethel's son. The healer saw clearly how Sarehl must've been with his younger siblings and his own children, especially with Bethel, and it helped him to more fully understand how devastatingly hurt and traumatised Sarehl had been.
~~~
Sarehl saw the approaching party and rubbed at his scar, as he anticipated meeting up with Ensore after so many long and tiresome cycles. He glanced across at Kasan who rode beside him this afternoon, aware she strained to identify who the advance riders were.
"Can you tell yet?" he asked, in a teasing voice. Kasan transferred her gaze to Sarehl, her eyes clear but anxious.
"I've been long gone from my home, Sarehl, but I think one of them's Ongwin."
"Yes, I think so too," agreed her mate. "They're all there, my love - your family and part of mine." He swung round to Kalor and Kaleb who rode behind them, flanking Sasqua and Kalbeth. "I wish to ride ahead," he informed them quietly. "Kasan hasn't seen her brothers since she was a child."
"Go ahead," advised Kaleb, on a grin and a nod. "There's time aplenty for us all to talk, as doubtless we will."
Sarehl nodded at Kasan. They moved forward, urging their horses to a canter. They noticed that four riders from the welcoming party did the same, one rider much younger than the others. Sarehl could now clearly see the two pair of brothers. His heart raced.
The riders met in a jangling of harness, all dismounting in haste for emotional greetings of families torn apart. Men hastily came forward, but then imperceptibly paused. Eli and Ensore stared with disbelief at a woman they'd last seen as a child, then their astonished gazes took in Sarehl who stood beside her. He wasn't looking at them. He stood, surprised, as he took in the tall, leggy boy standing with Daxel.
Kasan broke the frozen tableau. She stepped forward with hands out.
"Ens," she whispered huskily, through gathering and falling tears.
Ensore took two quick strides to be beside her and caught her in a crushing embrace, quite unable to speak for a few moments. Eli was beside her as well, his arms out and his wicked gray eyes suddenly moist.
"Little Kasa," he said and coughed. He had to clear his throat noisily several times when she transferred from her elder brother to the younger. "Gods, but you've grown! I remember the girl and here's a woman."
"Eli," she managed, before she was clasped so tightly she could scarcely breathe. The three stood talking briefly, their voices low, until Kasan turned towards her mate.
Ensore looked across at Sarehl who had an arm about each brother, their heads bent together as they spoke quietly to one another, the three of them briefly in a world of their own. The emotion was so intense, it was almost unbearable. It was several moments before people broke apart. It was Sarehl who spoke first.
"Lad," he began, rubbing a hand across his eyes and staring down to a boy who lacked only four inches to be six feet tall and was of a strong and athletic build. "I left a child with Maren, but look at you. How you've shot up, Brue!" Brue smiled shyly at his older brother. "I hardly recognise you, lad. Dase, isn't he so like his father?"
"Aye," chuckled Daxel, grinning affectionately at Brue. "You ask Maren how much he eats and then you'll know why the boy's so big."
Sarehl saw the shy smile again and realised, with a slight twist to his heart, that the naughty, ebullient child was absent. He wondered if it was because Brue was overcome to see him again, or whether he simply saw the future mature man. He rested his hand on the young shoulder again and smiled down into the big, ingenuous blue eyes.
"I can't help growing, Sar."
"Course not. You're just at an age where any absence makes your rapid growth very noticeable. You look very well. You're obviously well cared for, aren't you?" Brue nodded his curly head.
"I'm told to eat well," he confided, then the roguish dimple peeped out and he added, "Ceda thinks I'm sickening if I don't and her medicine for that's revolting." Sarehl had to laugh at that.
"Yes, lad," he gasped. "I can well believe it." He chuckled for a few moments, then whispered for Brue's ears alone. "I'm so proud of you, Brue, and so pleased we're together again."
"Sar," responded Brue. He leaned against Sarehl when his brother gathered him in close again. The blue eyes sparkled when he turned his head to look at Sarehl again. "Sar, it's good to be with you. Are you going away again?"
"I won't be going away for any length of time again, little brother. That I promise you. We won't be apart, gods willing." Sarehl felt a quiver run through Brue and touched the copper head very gently.
When he finally looked up he saw that Kasan, flanked by her brothers, had come forward, the Dahkilans' expressions incredulous as they rested on the Strategos who just stayed where he was. Amusement lit his eyes as they went from Ensore to Eli and back again.
"Gods," breathed Eli. "Is it you, Sar?"
"Aye," he answered.
He was aware Brue moved from his side and he saw how Daxel drew the boy protectively back beside him, an arm about the young shoulders. Sarehl went forward, his limp so much less noticeable the brothers just stared.
"I can't believe it!" exclaimed Eli, hurrying forward to greet him with extended hands. "Sarehl, you look so utterly different!"
"Do I?" laughed Sarehl, clasping the hands and looking into dancing gray eyes that looked him over critically. "I'm just the same as I was yesterday and will be tomorrow." Eli let him go and fell back a step.
"No, my friend, you're changed beyond recognition and as we'd always hoped you'd be," said Ensore in his calm way, coming up to Sarehl with his arms extended. Sarehl responded to the embrace, a faint flush tingeing his cheeks and his voice cracking a little when he spoke.
"Ens, it gives me such joy to see you again. It's been so long!"
"Likewise," said Ensore, placidly, his eyes scanning the tall figure again. He looked at Sarehl with delight and deep affection. "Young friend, this is indeed a day of miracles."
"Ens, it's long overdue we're together. I've missed you very much."
"Likewise again, Sar," Ensore replied and then he turned, drawing Kasan forward. "And we thank you, Sarehl, for what you've become to our little sister." Sarehl touched Kasan's cheek with a long, slender finger.
"She's very lovely, your sister, my friend," he said teasingly. "How could I help but fall for her charms?"
"Sarehl, I wish -."
Ensore was cut short. Laughingly, Daxel claimed Kasan's attention, Brue blushed at something Eli said to him and turned to appeal to Sarehl, while other riders converged on them. Amused, Ensore just shrugged, his brows raised at Sarehl who lifted his hands helplessly at what rapidly became milling confusion.
Ensore finally managed to say in an aside, "We'll talk later, Sarehl."
Sarehl had time to nod, before he had his hands grasped by Ongwin who marvelled at his appearance and Ensore was forcefully claimed by Sache, Dalmin and Arth. Daxel stood back with Kasan and Brue. They found Kalor advanced on them, his arms out to Brue who went to him and was enfolded by very strong arms, the bond between the two as strong as the day Kalor found a sad little child he befriended.
It was Daxel who was signalled over by Kaleb to a shrinking and timid Sasqua who'd just dismounted, Kalbeth still clasped in her arms.
Daxel strode across, saying gently, "You remember me, Sasqua, don't you?"
"Yes," she replied, Kalbeth held protectively.
"Well then, sister, welcome. Won't you show me little Beth? I can see he's still got his father's coloured hair."
"That's not all," warned Kaleb, crossing to them and nodding briskly at Daxel. "Give the child to Dase, Sasqua, and let him see the boy for himself."
Sasqua held the still drowsy boy out to Daxel, who lifted the child so he could be cradled. He rocked the boy gently, speaking softly to him, then gave an exclamation when the huge eyes opened sleepily.
"Shar-da," mumbled Kalbeth, staring up at the darkly-bearded face.
"Gods, the eyes," muttered Daxel. "Is he so like Bethel as a child?"
"Yes," said Sasqua with satisfaction. "Sarehl says he's identical, except Beth has purple eyes and little Beth has blue."
"Hard on Sar," murmured Daxel, in an aside to Kaleb.
"Very," agreed Kaleb quietly, "but we all adjust, given time."
~~~
It would take time for them all to be settled as part of the huge war machine that moved inexorably north, though Sarehl could appreciate Ongwin had organisation so well in hand their pavilions were already set up. He had little to do. He and Kasan had their own quarters and Ongwin, in deference to the Strategos' written request, made sure a second smaller pavilion rested beside theirs, expressly for the use of Sasqua and Kalbeth. Next to that again were quarters for Kaleb.