by Mike Ryan
It was about 2am when Cain finally got home. He quietly entered his apartment, slowly opening and closing the door so as to not wake Heather up, assuming she was sleeping. Cain looked at the clock and then noticed Heather passed out on the couch. He smiled as he saw her phone on her chest, still in the clutches of her hand, knowing she was probably waiting for him. He walked over to her and slowly pried the phone out of her hand, careful to not wake her up. Cain placed the phone on the table and then picked her up, his bicep cradling her head, his right hand underneath her thigh. She was so tired that she didn’t realize he had picked her up and was completely knocked out. Cain stared at her face, tempted by how close she was, and briefly thought about kissing her lips. It was the closest he’d ever been to doing so but thought there’d probably be a better, more appropriate time to do it. He’d always been attracted to her but always felt like he should wait to make a move on her, thinking there’d be a perfect moment, even though it never seemed to arrive. He took her into the bedroom and placed her on the bed, bringing the covers up to her chest. Cain then went out to the living room and crashed on the sofa, falling asleep within minutes.
Heather woke up around eight and once she got the sleep out of her eyes rushed into the living room, hoping Cain would be there. Once she saw him sleeping on the couch, a huge smile erupted on her face. She was so happy to have him back that she couldn’t contain the joy she felt. She quickly made herself a cup of coffee then sat down on the chair across from Cain and just watched him as he slept. As much as Heather hoped for him to wake up so she could talk to him, she was enjoying just watching him sleep. It was very calming for her, much different than the previous couple of weeks when she was in agony, terrified that she had lost him. She probably could’ve watched him all day and been content in doing so.
Cain didn’t wake up until ten, immediately seeing Heather’s smiling face staring at him. He smiled back at her as he sat up.
“Coffee?” Heather asked, holding her cup up.
“You know I never touch that stuff.”
Cain got up to go to the kitchen, Heather following right behind him. He got a bottle of water from the fridge and took some sips from it as Heather did all she could to refrain from jumping all over him. She started moving her arms up as if she was about to hug him but awkwardly itched her face or her body, or pretended to fix her hair. She desperately wanted to kiss and hug him but couldn’t bring herself to do it. He just didn’t give off the vibe that he was into her like that. She would’ve been embarrassed if she tried to kiss him and he wasn’t into reciprocating the pleasure. After a few minutes of small talk that she really didn’t care about she finally let loose with her feelings, not able to hold it in any longer.
“What is wrong with me?!” Heather cried.
“What do you mean? Nothing’s wrong with you,” Cain replied, confused.
“Then why won’t you touch me?!”
Cain looked away momentarily, grimacing, not really wanting to get into the subject.
“See. You won’t even look at me,” Heather said. “Do you not think I’m pretty? Am I not caring enough? Don’t like my cooking? What?”
“It’s not what you think.”
“How isn’t it?”
“It just isn’t,” Cain said.
“For the past year I’ve been trying to do everything I can think of to make you want me. I don’t know what else to do. If it’s my past that’s keeping you away then just say so. I can deal with it. If you just can’t get over what I used to do, then I’ll be disappointed, but at least I’ll be able to move on eventually.”
“It’s not your past. That doesn’t bother me. Well, I’m glad you’re not doing it anymore but what you did before you met me I can’t control or let bother me.”
“Then what is it? Are you just not attracted to me? I mean, if that’s it, then just say you only look at me as a friend,” Heather pleaded. “At least then I’ll be able to move on.”
“That’s not it.”
“God, you’re so frustrating! You tell me nothing! I’m pouring my heart out and you say nothing! Every time I think maybe we’re getting closer to starting something you pull away. You say it’s not what I used to do, it’s not my looks, is it my personality? Am I not smart enough for you? Not enough fun? What?”
“It’s complicated,” Cain told her.
“Please just tell me something! You’re torturing me by letting me be so close to you without really being close. You seem like maybe you want to move closer but then take a step back. I can’t keep pretending that all I want to be is friends. I have feelings for you and they‘re not subsiding, and they‘re not going away. So if you have any type of feelings for me then please just let me know,” she cried.
Cain stood there silently, staring at her, letting her words sink in. He already knew she had feelings for him, even a blind person could’ve seen it, and he knew it wasn’t fair to her to keep leading her on. But there was something that just made him keep resisting, even if he didn’t want to.
“I can’t make you feel something for me that you don’t,” Heather added, her face wet with tears. “If this is all our relationship will ever be then just say it so I can try to move on because I can’t take being around you anymore and not touching you. You sit next to me and I want to hug you, you stand next to me and I want to hold your hand, I see your face enter a room and I want to kiss you. I can‘t take not acting on any of that anymore.”
Cain continued with his silence, not knowing how to respond. He didn’t want to hurt her but also wasn’t sure moving into a romantic relationship was a good idea.
“Why won’t you let me in? I want you to pull me close to you. I want to know what you think and feel but you won’t let me. You push me away and make me feel like you’re not interested in me at all,” Heather said.
“Heather, it’s just…there’s just a lot I have to deal with.”
“OK. Like what? What is it? Just tell me and explain it to me so I can understand. I want to understand what you’re feeling.”
Cain sighed, not wanting to reveal what he was thinking. Seeing the tears rolling down Heather’s face was slowly breaking him down to the point he felt he should tell her his fears.
“What are you afraid of?” she asked.
“You,” Cain finally relented. “I’m afraid of you.”
“Me? How could you be afraid of me?”
“It’s you…and me,” he added, wiping some of her tears away.
“That makes absolutely no sense. Can you explain that a little?” Heather tersely asked, sitting down on the couch.
“What if we get involved and the person you go to bed with isn’t the same person that wakes up?” He asked, sitting next to her.
“I don’t understand,” she replied, shaking her head.
“The reason I’ve never tried anything with you is because I don’t trust myself. I don’t really know who I am. Since I woke up in that hospital bed last year I have no idea about my true self. Am I the person that I’ve always been? Am I someone different? What if the person you see now isn’t the person I really am and not the person you fall in love with?”
“I’m willing to take that chance,” Heather told him.
“All I know is what I’ve been told. What if at some point I regain my memory and I’m a different person? What if I go back to who I used to be and I was a jerk or I‘m just not a good guy.”
“You won’t be.”
“You don’t know that,” Cain reasoned. “I don’t even know that.”
“You’re right. I don’t know that. But I also know that you can’t live your life worrying about what could be…and you miss out on something that could be better.”
“For the last year I’ve been walking around with my head in the clouds. I walk around and it just feels like there’s something missing. I see visions of people that I don’t know who they are, yet it seems like they’re close to me somehow. I have nightmares that won’t go away. It just seem
s like everything is not what it should be. I feel like I’m close to discovering parts of my past but yet not close enough.”
“That’s not my fault.”
“I know it’s not,” Cain said.
“Then let me in. Let me help you. I want to help you.”
“I don’t know, Heather.”
“Let me help you figure out the missing pieces. We can do this together. You don‘t have to go it alone.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I know I don’t, but I want to. I want to help you if you’ll let me,” she said.
Cain sighed, feeling bad about all the pain he was causing Heather. It wasn’t what he intended. He looked away, staring at the wall, wondering what else he could say to her. From Heather’s standpoint, there was nothing more he could say, except for one thing. All she needed to hear was that he wanted their relationship to move to the next level. His continued silence felt like a knife penetrating her gut because she knew that meant that he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready for her. Instead of continuing their conversation, she got up to put her shoes on and walked to the door. She kept sniffling and wiping her eyes on the way. She knew the longer she stayed there, clinging to the hope that he’d come around to her way of thinking, that she was just continuing to torture herself and wouldn’t be able to move on.
“Where are you going?” Cain asked, concerned.
“I don’t know. Taking a walk I guess.”
Cain started to move his lips to say something, but didn’t have any words. Nothing he’d say would have any impact anyway. Cain watched as Heather walked out the door, staring at the door as it closed behind her. A piece of him wondered if he was going to see her again. He chalked it up to just the emotions since her things were there, so of course she’d be back. She probably just needed to clear her head, he thought. He knew she deserved better. Better than he could give her right now. He felt like the slimiest person in the world at that moment. Here was this beautiful, caring woman, who only wanted to love him and help him in any way possible, and he seemed to be doing everything possible to push her away.
He waited about an hour for her to come back, hoping he could talk to her again. He wasn’t sure what else he could say but maybe he could get her to understand the way he felt. The anxiousness proved to be too much for him and he felt he needed to get out some of his energy. He grabbed his guns and went down to the Center to get some shooting in at the firing range. Shooting usually seemed to calm him down. It was better than hurting his hand by punching walls, anyway. Hopefully she’d be back by the time he returned.
Cain spent the next hour firing round after round from his pistols, hitting his target almost every time dead center. As he was finishing up, he heard the door opening behind him. He turned and saw Shelly standing there. He wondered what she wanted and why she was there but didn’t acknowledge her with words. He figured she’d let him know soon enough. He turned his attention back to his guns and waited for her to speak.
“I heard there was an angry looking guy that entered the building and was on his way to the shooting range,” Lawson kidded. “So I figured I’d stop by to see who it was. Kind of had a feeling it might be you.”
“Looks like you were right,” Cain responded, not amused.
“So what’s going on?” Lawson asked, walking over to him.
“Don’t wanna talk about it.”
“OK,” she replied, standing next to him, looking away. “How’d your shooting go?”
“Good.”
“Maybe I can help.”
“I don’t need help shooting.”
“I meant with what’s bothering you.”
“You can’t,” Cain stated.
“Is it personal or work related?” she asked.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“C’mon, let me help.”
“Why does everyone keep asking to help me?” he asked, perturbed. “I don’t need anyone’s help.”
“By everyone, you mean who?” Lawson asked.
“Look, I know you mean well, but just drop it,” Cain replied, still tending to his guns.
“I could take a guess. Wanna hear it?”
“It’s your dime.”
“It’s Heather, isn’t it?”
The look Cain gave her was the only indication she needed to confirm her question. It was the only time he looked at her to that point and the look he gave her wasn’t a pleasant one, indicating Heather was what was on his mind.
“She’s the only other person besides me that I could think of that’d say something to you about helping you in some way,” Lawson added. “So I figured it must’ve been her.”
“Good guess.”
“So what’s going on?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Did you guys have a fight?”
His silence indicated she was right on the money again. He didn’t like to admit when other people were right about him so he tended to be quiet when they were.
“She told you how she felt about you huh?” Lawson guessed.
“You seem to know quite a bit about this for some reason,” Cain stated.
“It just stood to reason. Her and I had a talk about you,” she revealed.
Cain was taken aback and finally stopped fiddling with his guns and turned to face his handler. “You and her talked? When?”
“When you went missing in Syria she called me. She was concerned about you.”
“How’d she get your number?” Cain wondered.
“Apparently she memorized it one time when I called you.”
“Yeah, well, she’s pretty resourceful.”
“She is. And she loves you. That much was clear.”
Cain was starting to feel uncomfortable hearing about her feelings for him and started messing around with his guns again.
“You and I have a pretty good relationship but I don’t really wanna talk about this with you,” Cain told her.
“Why does that bother you so much?” Lawson asked.
“It doesn’t.”
“Then maybe you should give things a chance.”
“Why are you defending her? You don’t even like her,” Cain stated.
“That’s not true. I admit I didn’t like her before, mostly because of what she did. But after talking to her, I could see how she felt about you. If you could’ve seen how upset she was when she thought you might not be coming back.”
Cain cleared his throat and looked at Lawson out of the corner of his eye, without turning his head, trying to fight a tear from showing. Hearing about her concern for him touched him, more than he wanted it to. He already knew of her concern from her texts and voicemails, but it somehow hit him differently hearing about it from someone else. Doubt started creeping into his head, wondering if continuing to push Heather away was really the right move. Maybe he should let her in more, he thought. The more Lawson talked to him about Heather, the more confused he was getting. For the first time, he was letting his heart overrule his head. For the last year he had convinced himself that shutting his heart off to the world was the best thing for him. Now, his heart was talking to him more than his brain.
“Why are you here?” Cain asked.
“Just here as a friend. Thought maybe you wanted to talk.”
“So what is it that you want me to do?”
“I don’t want you to do anything. Just listen to your heart. I know for a long time you’ve acted very methodically, like you don’t want your emotions to show or get the better of you.”
“And?”
“And maybe that’s what makes you such a good agent. But maybe letting your emotions show sometimes isn’t such a bad idea.”
“You think I should…,” Cain started to say.
“It’s not up to me to say you should do anything. All I’m saying is to look within yourself and really ask yourself what you want. Maybe she’s not the person you need to help you heal. But if it’s just that you’re afraid to open up and b
e vulnerable, well, usually the biggest risks also have the biggest rewards.”
Lawson didn’t stick around any longer for Cain to reply. She left him with that thought, hoping it might help him somehow. She thought a girlfriend might’ve been good for him as she sometimes worried that he was wound a little too tight and he didn’t get enough down time. She wasn’t about to tell him what he should do but secretly hoped he gave Heather the chance that she wanted.
Cain looked over at the empty space where Lawson had just been standing, hearing her words again as if she was still standing there talking. He let those words penetrate through him as he tried to decipher what it was that he wanted. His stomach felt like it was in a thousand knots. He finally pushed his head to the side and started listening to what his heart had been telling him for a while. He kept thinking of Heather and the more he thought of her, the more he realized that he didn’t want to be without her. He didn’t have a lot going for him in his life, but he finally started to see that she was what he looked forward to. Coming home and seeing her face, talking to her, she was really what kept him going. All the times he was away on missions, it wasn’t the apartment that he missed, or the things that entertained him between jobs, it was her. If she was no longer there he’d have nothing to come home to. Just some empty walls, some furniture, and a TV. She was what kept him together. Cain knew what he needed to do and put his guns in his belt and raced out of the Center, hoping Heather would be at the apartment when he got there.