“You’re really sweaty,” she said, laughing as tears streamed down her face.
All the insanity and neuroses that had engulfed my brain washed away. I had a smile so big it seemed impossible, as if I were the guy in an ad for the state lottery and I was holding the winning ticket.
After a minute she finally let go of me, stood up on her tiptoes, and kissed me again. Then I gave her friend Madeleine a hug, as well as the hostess who came to seat us, even though she looked like she didn’t necessarily want one.
Before we sat down, Amanda wanted to call her parents, and I decided to call mine as well.
“Hello?” I heard my dad say.
“It’s Justin,” I said.
“Oh, hey, son. What’s happening?”
“I did it,” I said.
“You did what?” he asked.
“I proposed to Amanda. She said yes,” I replied.
“Well hot damn! Good for you, son. Congratulations. Glad it all worked out. You looked a little nervous this morning. Thought your balls were gonna run up in your asshole for a minute there,” he said.
“They almost did.”
“Well, good to hear. You now have someone else to drive batshit crazy besides me. Welcome to married life, son.”
Acknowledgments
This book would not be possible without the support of so many of my friends. For my friends who appeared in the book, thank you for spending way too much time helping me remember exactly what happened. There’s no way I could have filled in all the details without the help of Ryan Walter, Danny Phin, Aaron Estrada, and Jeff Cleator.
Thank you to my father, who read every chapter before anyone else, and let me know when he found things to be “fucking silly.” Thank you to my mom and my brothers, Dan, Evan, and Jose, for constantly supporting me throughout the process.
Thanks also to a number of my friends who were always there for me, whether it was to read a draft or just talk through a problem: Cory Jones, Lindsay Goldenberg, Patrick Schumacker, Brian Warner, Brian Huntington, Robert Chafino, Mike Lisbe, Nate Reger, Katie Des Londes, Laura Moran, Brendan Darby, Zack Rosenblatt, Dan Rubin, Lon Zimmet, Robin Shorr, Heather Hicks, Jason Ervin, Casey Phin, Greg Szalay, Scott Satenspiel, George Collins, Chris Von Goetz, and Madeleine Amodeo, and a super-special thank you to Byrd Leavell, who is amazing. Thank you to my editor at HarperCollins, Calvert Morgan, who cleaned up all of my bad habits, and to the rest of the HarperCollins team, Kevin Callahan, Michael Barrs, and Heidi Metcalfe.
Thank you to Kate Hamill, who has been editing every word of this book for the last two years. She is unbelievably talented and tireless, and is responsible for making this book something I could be proud of. I could not have gone through this process without her.
Finally, thank you to my wife, Amanda. She’s the best partner I could ever have hoped for, and without her, I wouldn’t even have wanted to write this book. Amanda, thank you for letting me drive you insane while I wrote this. Just remember, even when I’m old and decrepit, I’ll always bring you a glass of water before bed. I love you.
About the Author
JUSTIN HALPERN is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Sh*t My Dad Says, inspired by his massively popular Twitter feed. SPOILER ALERT: He lives with his wife in Los Angeles.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.
Other Works
Sh*t My Dad Says
Credits
Cover design by Milan Bozic
Cover photograph by Kate Lacey
Copyright
itbooks
Names, situations, and identifying characteristics of some of the individuals featured throughout this book have been changed to protect their privacy. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
I SUCK AT GIRLS. Copyright © 2012 by Justin Halpern. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
FIRST EDITION
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-0-06-211337-5
ISBN 978-0-06-219961-4 (international)
EPub Edition © MAY 2012 ISBN 9780062113382
12 13 14 15 16 DIX/RRD 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
About the Publisher
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street
Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia
http://www.harpercollins.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Canada
2 Bloor Street East - 20th Floor
Toronto, ON, M4W, 1A8, Canada
http://www.harpercollins.ca
New Zealand
HarperCollins Publishers (New Zealand) Limited
P.O. Box 1
Auckland, New Zealand
http://www.harpercollins.co.nz
United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
77–85 Fulham Palace Road
London, W6 8JB, UK
http://www.harpercollins.co.uk
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
http://www.harpercollins.com
I Suck at Girls Page 15