by Annie Stone
She takes my cock into her hands, and my self-control is gone. It gets hard in her hands. Fuck!
“Hunter…” she whispers hoarsely.
I open my eyes and look at her. She bends over me and kisses my glans.
Oh, God. This is so good.
No, this sucks so bad!
She opens her perfect lips and takes my dick into her mouth. She sucks it, her cheeks hollowing as she sucks harder. Fuck! This is so perfect.
I claw one hand into the sheet, throw my head back, a try to lie still so I don’t feel my injuries. “Mac,” I moan quietly, and she looks me in the eyes. If this isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.
Fuck! I need to stop this. I can’t use her like this.
As if she’s read my thoughts, she sucks harder, taking more of me into her mouth. And her tongue! Fuck, her tongue is licking my shaft like it’s a goddamn lollipop! How can I tell her to let go?
I try to gather all my strength, but I can’t do it. Instead of stopping, she places my healthy hand on her head to keep it in place. She looks up at me, must hear my staccato breathing, and increases her efforts. I hold her, feeling bad about it even as I do it. I’m using her when I don’t even want her in my life anymore.
No, it’s not that I don’t want her. It’s that I can’t have her.
My dick hits the back of her throat, and she tries to relax. I can see tears welling up in her eyes as she fights the gag reflex. I loosen my hand, and she gives me a grateful look. A moment later, I cum in her mouth with a growl. The look of her swallowing my sperm is simply…phenomenal. I know I sound ridiculous, but when a girl wants you so much she swallows it, you suddenly feel ten feet tall.
She kisses my dick again before she finishes washing me. When she reaches the bandage on my leg, she averts her eyes slightly.
“Look at me,” I say.
She looks me in the eye. Firmly and lovingly.
“Do you find it gross?” Now I have to avert my gaze. I don’t want to see it in her eyes, see how she finds it revolting.
“Hunter, look at me,” she says.
Her little hand is on my thigh, and I have to look at her.
“You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, and I love everything about you. The fact that you’re going to wear a prosthetic is not going to change anything about that. I find nothing about you gross. Everything about you is perfect.”
I swallow hard, watching her, trying to see whether she’s lying, but she seems to be serious. Very carefully, she puts her fingertips onto the stump of my leg. She looks at me, but I’m so full of painkillers I don’t feel a thing.
“Everything about you is beautiful,” she says.
I nod slightly.
She helps me turn onto my side so she can wash my back. Then she puts a new hospital gown on me and tucks me in. Like a mother, I think, and suddenly remember the baby. Is it a boy or a girl? I’ve never asked. Even though her baby is related to me. I should at least know if I have a half brother or a half sister. But I can’t ask her.
When she’s finished, she asks, “Do you want me to leave?”
Hesitantly, I shake my head. It’s much too nice spending time with her. Fuck. She’s got me by the balls.
She sits down in a chair in the corner of the room.
“Come closer,” I say quietly and she is tugging the chair toward the bed.
Like it’s the most natural thing in the world, she takes my hand. And my hand seems to think it is the most natural thing in the world, because it squeezes hers.
“How are you doing, babe?” she asks softly.
She’s calling me that again! I need to send her away. I can’t let her believe we’re going to be together. It’s obvious we can’t be. Even if nothing had ever happened between us, I couldn’t allow her to throw her life away for me. I need to send her away.
Sometime. Soon. But not now. Right now, her hand is stroking mine, and it feels too good to stop. Her eyes are looking at me lovingly, and her velvet voice is wrapping itself around me. It all feels too good. I’m afraid I might be growing a pussy at this very moment…
“So-so,” I murmur.
“I know you’re scared. You don’t need to play the hero for me.”
Oh, Mac, you’re not getting it at all! You’re exactly the one person I have to play the hero for, because you’re the person I’ve always wanted to be a hero for. And still I told you and showed you things I’d never allowed anybody else to see or hear. I made myself vulnerable for you, and what did you do? You took a knife to my heart!
“I’m… I’m sorry,” she says, as if she can hear my thoughts.
“Mac,” I warn her.
“Okay. What am I allowed to talk about?”
“Shane says you’re not working for him anymore.”
She nods. “That’s true. I’m working for FemPower. I’m coordinating projects and campaigns all over California. I feel like I can actually make a bigger difference now. It’s very fulfilling on a personal level to actually be able to help.”
“You’ve always been good at lighting a spark in others.”
She shakes her head. “No, actually I’ve never been good at it. I…” She shakes her head. “Sorry.”
“Go on.”
She looks at me, and I know she wants to say something about our past.
“When you came to my talks…it was the first time I was good at it. Before, I just got through it somehow. Only when…” She swallows and gives me an imploring look. “Only when I told you my story was I able to also share it with others.”
“You never told Carter, did you?” I ask, wondering why I’m such a masochist fucker.
“That night was the first time he heard it.”
“Really?”
“Yes, and he wasn’t pleased. We got in a huge fight. And somehow…we were never the same again after that.”
“Stop, Mac. Stop.”
She nods. “Okay. But one more thing?”
I close my eyes and nod.
“I love you.”
I look at her. There are tears on her cheeks. “God, Mac.”
She looks so small and fragile. And, somehow, that smashes right through all the walls and chains I’ve built around my heart. I love her, I still do, and I guess that’s never going to change in this lifetime.
I tug on her hand, and she gets up. I scoot over a little and flip open the blanket. She looks surprised, but then she takes off her shoes and climbs in. She doesn’t really know how to position herself, so I open my arm and she snuggles up to me. Her head rests on my chest, and I can feel her breath.
And for the first time since I’ve been in this fucking hospital, I fall asleep.
4
Mackenzie
It’s one step forward and three steps back with Hunter. One night he holds me in his arms, and the next morning he kicks me out of his room. I spend entire days in the waiting room, hoping for tiny shreds of information, which I mostly get from Carey, because Hunter has told the doctor not to tell me anything.
And then something happens, and he opens the door for me again, letting me in. Every time, I can see he’s fighting against it, whatever his reasons. I really want to tell him about Hazel, but I’m afraid he’s not in the right frame of mind for it. I think he needs to learn how to deal with his emotional turmoil first. He’s still in shock. After all, just a short while ago, he woke up to discover he only had one leg left.
What he hates most is having to rely on others to help him. He doesn’t like letting me help, but he prefers me over nurse Berta. She’s on my side, so she keeps threatening to wash his private parts until he doesn’t have a choice but to let me in again.
But all this time in Germany is coming to an end. The day before I’m scheduled to fly home, I pace around the waiting room, nursing my coffee. Every time I call Carey, Hazel cries for me, and I can’t leave her alone any longer. I was hoping Hunter could come home with me, but he isn’t well enough to leave yet. And Carey told me he’s not coming back to San D
iego—he’s going to Virginia, which really did not feature in my plans.
Today’s the last night I can be with him, but once again he’s being so stubborn it’s driving me up the walls. I get that he’s scared. I get that he thinks I might hurt him. If only he would listen, everything would be all right. Wouldn’t it? Yes. I’m sure of it. If only he knew that I never chose Carter—I chose him. If only he knew about Hazel…
Oh, wouldn’t it be sweet to see him holding his little girl in his arms?
Slowly, I sneak over to the nurses’ station and see nobody’s there. The hallway is clear, too, so I scurry across it into Hunter’s room.
“Get out, Mac!” he snarls immediately.
I close the door. “No! I’m going home tomorrow, and I’m not leaving without saying goodbye!”
He screws up his face. “I don’t want to see you anymore.”
“Hunter—”
“No, Mac…”
“Please, I… Please!”
He snorts. “Have you ever thought about the fact that I might not want you to say goodbye to me?”
I hurry to his bed and kiss his cheek. “I don’t want to leave.”
“You need to leave.”
“Stop this nonsense! You’re driving me crazy!”
“No, you’re driving me crazy!” he growls. But it’s not the sexy kind of growl—it’s the scary kind. The kind that makes you want to run for it. “You chose Carter! I held out my hand for you. But you stayed! You broke my fucking heart. There’s nothing left in me to love you.”
“But—”
“No, Mac! Stop it already. I don’t want your apologies or whatever else you want to say to me. We’ve had our chance, and now it’s gone.”
“If only you would—”
“Go, Mac. Go. And never come back. I don’t need you, and nobody needs me.”
“Hunter—”
“Mac! Get out!” he screams. “I don’t want to see you anymore!”
“Please, let me—”
“Thanks for the blowjob, doll,” he says, his face hardening. I have never heard him sound so cold.
I shrink back like he’s slapped me in the face. “But…” I can’t keep talking. My eyes fill with tears.
“Come on, doll. Give me another one and then get lost.”
I can’t breathe. No air reaches my lungs. They’ve contracted, shutting out oxygen. I reach for my throat, tears streaming from my eyes as I reel back. I hit the door. Suddenly, I’m out in the hall. The door swings shut in front of me, and the last thing I see is Hunter’s gaze, so cold it makes me shiver. Right there in the middle of the hall, I break down on the floor, crying so hard I shake.
Nurse Berta finds me and tries to calm me down, but there’s nothing that could comfort me right now. I’m inconsolable.
“Shhh, calm down, girl. You need to be strong for him, do you hear me? He is not himself at the moment. A lot of soldiers with amputated limbs go through this. They go from hearing every day how they need to be physically fit, and suddenly they lose an arm or a leg, and they end up feeling worthless.”
I shake my head, sobbing. That’s not what’s happening here.
“Sweetheart, trust me,” she insists. “That boy loves you. We can all see it. He loves you. But he thinks he’s no longer good enough for you. He doesn’t want to be a burden to you because he loves you. He doesn’t realize he isn’t dead and can still have a great life with a prosthetic. He needs to learn to have faith in himself again, to accept himself as he is now.”
“Do… Do you think so?” I ask hopefully.
“I’m sure. Don’t give up. Go back to your daughter now, but do not give up. He needs you.”
I nod, and she helps me up. As she goes into Hunter’s room, I can see his face for a moment, and everything inside me contracts. He is crying, his expression screwed up in pain.
Nurse Berta is right. He’s pushing me away because he thinks he can protect me that way. What an idiot.
On the flight home, I work out a battle plan that basically contains only one action point: If he pushes you away, snap right back like a rubber band. We’ll see who’s more stubborn.
Of course, it hurts that he’s being cruel on purpose. Like the thing he said about the BJ. He knew it would hurt me, which is why he said it. From a professional point of view, I know that, but from a personal point of view, it hurts. It’s different when you’re involved. Your rational mind may be well trained, but the heart isn’t and ends up taking over.
I just need to take the fact that he loves me and engrave it in my heart. I need to remember that he believes he can protect me by pushing me away. That he doesn’t want to burden me by being an invalid. He just doesn’t realize he could have a good life with a prosthetic. A very good life.
I know we’ve got a long way ahead of us. A hard and rocky one. And hilly. I’m not taking his injuries lightly. But we can get through them together. A lot of people live very well with prosthetics, and there are good therapy options to get over the sense of loss associated with the trauma. If he gets phantom pain, he can use mirror therapy, which has shown great success. There are so many possibilities, and not one of them says we cannot be together. Or that he can’t be a great daddy to Hazel.
Just thinking her name, my heart contracts with longing. I haven’t held her in my arms for way too long. My little girl. How could I leave her?
Sometimes you have to make tough decisions, and this one was definitely not an easy one, but Hunter also owns a major piece of my heart. And I knew she would be safe with Carey and Sheila.
The closer I get to San Diego, the more excited I get about seeing her. They’re going to pick me up at the airport, and I can’t wait to hold her in my arms. Nothing goes fast enough for me. Passport control, baggage claim—everything is dragging.
Until I finally see her. Good thing Carey’s such a giant.
I run toward them, drop my suitcase, and get down on my knees, and Hazel throws herself into my arms. “Mommy! You bat!”
“Yes, honey, I’m back.” I kiss her little face, happy to feel her arms around me. “I’ve missed you so much!” Slowly, I get up and take two steps toward Carey, who hugs both of us.
“I’m so happy you’re back,” he mumbles into my ear and kisses me on the cheek.
I smile. “Did she terrorize you?”
“No,” Hazel says, while Carey says, “Yes.” They give each other a critical look before Carey taps her cheek, and she smiles. Well, over here, everything seems to be in order.
Carey gets my suitcase, and we head to the car. When I’ve buckled up Hazel in her car seat and closed the door, I tell Carey, “Thank you for everything. It wouldn’t have been possible without you.”
“It’s okay, doll. She’s my niece, and you went to see my brother. How could I not help?”
I smile sadly.
“Though I’m sorry about the way you and Hunter left things.”
I wave it off. “Oh, don’t worry. I have a plan.”
After we get in the car, he asks, “So what’s your plan?”
“Well, do you think it’s possible to get him to San Diego somehow?”
Carey shrugs. “I’m sure there is—if that’s what he wants.”
“Ah, no, he’s not going to agree to it.”
“I’d think not.”
“Damn.”
“That was your plan?” Carey asks incredulously.
I shake my head. “No, it just would have made things easier. But if he wants to make things complicated, we’ll just have to go along with it.”
“With what?”
“Going to Virginia.”
Carey raises his eyebrows. “What?”
“Hunter needs me.”
“Yeah, but you can’t just go and give up everything you have! You’ve worked hard for your life here. I can’t make it without you, either.”
I put my hand on his arm. “Not forever, Carey. Only until Hunter realizes he wants to come back to San Diego.”
“Leave Hazel with me, then.”
“I can’t. It breaks my heart not to be with her.”
Carey nods slowly. “I’m coming too, then.”
“But what about your job?”
“Fuck it. Hunter’s more important. You’re more important.”
“Can you get time off?”
He shrugs. “We’ll see.”
I squeeze his arm. “Thank you, Carey. Thank you. I wouldn’t know what to do without you.”
“I wouldn’t, either,” he retorts.
“Ass.”
“Ass! Ass! Ass!” we hear from the back seat. Why do kids always pick up the bad words?
Carey smiles at me. “We’ve got a parrot now.” Hazel laughs in the back seat. “So what’s the rest of your plan?” Carey asks as he turns onto our street.
“I put Hazel on his lap.”
Carey smiles. “Hmm. That might work.”
I turn to look back at our Little Miss Sunshine singing to herself in her car seat. “Oh, it’s going to work.”
Hunter has to stay in Germany for another four weeks before they fly him back to Virginia. After that, he’ll stay at a rehab facility until he gets used to his prosthetic. He could opt for an outpatient treatment, but he doesn’t have anybody in Virginia…
Oh my God…
Or does he?
For the first time, I think about the possibility that Hunter has a girlfriend. No, please no! I couldn’t take it. Not my Hunter!
“Carey?” I call into the hall. “Does Hunter have a girlfriend?”
Carey comes out of his room. “No idea. He never mentioned one, but it wouldn’t surprise me.”
“I hope not,” I mumble to myself while I return to packing Hazel’s suitcase. She watches me with interest.
“But if he does, I’m sure it’s nothing serious,” Carey says, sitting beside Hazel. “Nothing that could come remotely close to you and Hazeline.”
I have to laugh. He keeps making up new nicknames for her. “Hazeline?”
He nods. “Perfect name for her, don’t you think?”
She gives him a delighted look. An uncle’s child, I tell you.
Turning my attention back to the task ahead, I sigh deeply. We have two months. Two months to convince Hunter to come back to San Diego with us. That’s the time Carey managed to get off work. And I don’t want to send him back here alone. He’s always been there for me. Hazel and I are his family. We can’t leave him. So, eight weeks it is.