by Annie Stone
“Look at that!”
The familiar voice throws me, and I turn around in my chair.
“Killian!” I exclaim, trying to contain the grin on my face. “What are you doing here?”
“Killer!” Smiling broadly, he comes over to us and pats me on the shoulder. “How are you doing? I heard what happened. I’m on base right now, so I thought I’d drop by.”
“Thanks, man. I’m doing pretty good.”
He pats me on the shoulder again, a little insecurely. I guess the situation is kind of awkward for him. What do you say to somebody who just lost their leg? And, God, does he know about my suicide attempt?
Can I still look him in the eye if he does?
Hazel snuggles up to me, eyeing the stranger in the room.
Killian sits down at the table and smiles at Hazel. “So who are you?”
She buries her head in my shirt and shakes it. I smile like an idiot and stroke her head. “This is Hazel.”
“Hi, Hazel,” he says. But she doesn’t react. He looks at me.
“She’s my daughter.”
Killian’s eyes grow huge, threatening to pop out of his head. “Your what?”
I smile. “My daughter. And Mac’s.”
He shakes his head like he has water in his ears. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I just learned myself. Four days ago, to be precise.”
“And you’re sure?” He clamps his mouth shut, obviously realizing belatedly that’s the wrong question to ask while Hazel’s sitting right there on my lap.
“A hundred percent,” I say proudly. I didn’t know there was so much tenderness inside me. My hand is bigger than her head, and very gently, I stroke the brown curls wildly framing her face. “If she’d show you her pretty face, you could see it.”
Killian laughs. “Did you just call yourself a pretty motherfucker?”
“Fuck you.”
Hazel raises her face. “Fut.”
I smile. “You’re not supposed to say that. Mommy’s going to be mad at me.”
Killian laughs. “Maybe you need to start a swear jar. It could be a swear piggy bank.”
“Don’t give Mac any ideas.”
“Is she here?”
“Here in Virginia, yes. But she’s not allowed to come see me.”
“Why?” he asks, surprised.
Contritely, I run my hand over my beard. “She was on my blacklist, but she got in anyway.”
“To tell you about Hazel?” he asks.
I nod. “Yes. Exactly.”
“Sounds like a good woman. Letting you visit with Hazel even without her here.”
“I’m surprised myself.”
Hazel tugs on my sleeve, and I look at her. “What’s up, Haze?”
“Tirsty,” she whispers, not very quietly.
“Can you get me the bottle and mug from that bag?” I ask Killian, pointing at the bag Carey left for us.
He gets up and pours Hazel some water. When he hands her the mug, he pulls a funny face, and I hear a little giggle from her, which just makes him keep going until she squeals with delight. She drinks greedily, giggles again, and puts the mug down in the air next to the table. I just manage to catch it.
“Oops,” she says before she starts rubbing the wet patches on our clothes again.
“She’s awesome,” Killian observes.
“She is.”
He grins. “You’re in love with her.”
I shrug. “I am.”
“With both of them,” he says, and I can’t help but nod.
After a while, he asks, “So how are you doing?”
“Better.”
“You can talk to me any time, you know. I’m your friend.”
“I know.” I nod and swallow. “I was depressed in Germany. But then Mac gave me a daughter. Man, she’s perfect.”
Hazel gets restless on my lap, so I help her down. She runs around the table and comes back to me on the other side. She smiles before she runs the other way again. I smile at her. Every time she reaches me, she touches my leg like she wants to make sure I’m still here. But she doesn’t have to worry about that. I’ll never leave again.
“That’s cool, man,” Killian says gently, “but she shouldn’t be your only reason for wanting to be alive.”
“She isn’t. I’ve started therapy with the prosthetic, and it’s not as horrible as I thought. I’m already walking again in just a week. I’m still at the bar, but hey, a few days ago, I thought I had to rely on other people to take care of me for the rest of my life.” It’s hard for me to open up to Killian. He’s my best friend, but we don’t usually talk about this kind of thing. I guess it’s not so common in our macho culture to have these kinds of discussions among men.
But I’ve experienced the effects again and again. After I talk to someone, I always feel better. I don’t know if Killian knows this, but I think he’s seen some bad stuff in Iraq, too. Maybe he has been through therapy.
“Hey, that’s great,” he says, and I can tell he’s genuinely happy for me. “I’m so glad you changed your mind.”
Hazel comes back, nudges me, and giggles before running off in the opposite direction.
“Me too.”
“So how is Mac?”
I sigh. “I have no idea. I want to take things slow. I don’t want to ruin things. Especially now that I know she has Hazel.”
“You have rights, being her father,” he says.
“I know, but I don’t want to end up in some situation where I have to sue her. Mac’s not a vindictive woman. She wouldn’t have brought Hazel here if she didn’t want me to be part of her life. She would have let me believe she was someone else’s child.”
He nods. “Okay, so you’re a daddy—”
At that moment, Hazel trips and falls. My heart stops, and I get up. Even if my steps are wobbly and I have to hold on to the table, I get to Hazel and manage to pick her up.
She gives me a fascinated look. “Haze ouch.” She holds her hand under my nose, and I gently blow on it and kiss her.
“Better?” I ask, and she nods. I put her back on her feet and sit back down in my wheelchair. I feel like the Six Million Dollar Man. I was able to be there for my baby. Fuck, I really need to learn how to use this fucking leg properly.
“Impressive,” Killian says, sitting back down. He jumped up, too, when she tripped.
“She keeps me motivated.”
Killian smiles. “I’m proud of you, man.”
Before they leave, Carey gives me a letter from Mac and several bags of clothes she bought me. I’m relieved, because I was wondering how I’d make do with a wardrobe of exactly one pair of sweatpants.
When I get to my room, I open the letter. I take a deep breath, nervous since I don’t know what to expect.
After reading the first few words, I breathe out.
She wants me in Hazel’s life. And she wants me.
It’s like a pile of rubble has been lifted off my chest. I mean, I’ve been telling myself she wouldn’t have introduced Hazel to me just to snatch her away again, but reading it in her handwriting makes me indescribably happy.
And she loves me. Fuck yeah!
But that doesn’t mean we don’t still need to take things slow. Neither of us is the same person we used to be. We need to get to know each other again. Spend time with each other. But I’m glad we’re on the same page.
I write back to her, feeling like I’m back at boot camp. I’m not one to cry about missed opportunities, but it would have been so cool if she’d been my girl back then…
Mac,
You have made me the happiest man alive. Thank you for letting Hazel be part of my life. You are the best. I promise you will never regret placing your trust in me. I will be a great dad, and if I make mistakes, you need to help me correct them. I want to know everything about her. I don’t want to miss a fucking second.
Thank you, Mac. For everything. For my daughter, for your love, for your amazing BJ in Germany…
>
For a moment. I’m tempted to cross out the last part, but then I think it’ll probably make her laugh, which makes it okay.
…for your trust. I will not disappoint you.
We need to get to know each other again. I’m not the same person I was, and neither are you. I’m not saying we don’t have a chance, but we need time. Let’s not rush things. Let’s take things slow.
I’m not saying no, Mac. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m just saying—let’s do this right. We have all the time in the world, okay?
I’m happy I get to go back to San Diego this Saturday. I can’t wait to talk to you and hear about everything. For example, I want to know why Carey has seen your vagina…
Whatever happens, I want you to know that I have always loved you, and you’ll always have a place in my heart. You will always be part of me—and so will Hazel.
She is perfect. Thank you.
H.
I grab my crotch just to make sure I still have a dick.
It’s official. On Saturday, I’m going back to San Diego. My therapist attested that, in her professional opinion, I’m not going to attempt suicide again, so they have to release me. As much as I loved being alone with Hazel, too much is still unclear between me and Mac.
But not for long. Mac and Hazel went back yesterday, and Carey’s flying back with me today. I already miss Hazel. I don’t know how Mac came to see me in Germany and left her for so long. Suddenly, I see her selfless act in a totally new light.
I’m walking pretty well by now. At least in short stretches. But for an exhausting trip like this, I can’t go without a wheelchair, even if I hate the thing. I wonder if Mac and Hazel are going to pick us up at the airport. I hope so.
When, after what seems like a hundred hours, we finally step out of the secured area of San Diego Airport, I immediately see them. They’re both waving, their faces beaming. Mac’s walking toward us, Hazel on her hip. I get up, not wanting to greet them sitting down.
“Daddy,” Hazel coos, stretching out her arms for me. Mac hands her to me, and I hug her tight before she demands Carey’s attention. He takes her in his arms, and they start babbling at each other.
Mac stands there a little awkwardly, obviously not sure what to do.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” she says quietly.
“Come here.”
And that’s enough to make her hug me. I hold her tight, bury my nose in her hair, and breathe her in. Her fingers close around my neck, holding me tight. She begins to sob.
I break away from her, and she wants to protest, but I don’t give her time. My lips find hers, and without much ado, I kiss her like I’ve been wanting to kiss her for a long time. I pull her in tight, and she opens her mouth, taking in my tongue. My kiss gets more passionate, more wanton.
Right, we’re taking things slow…
I can’t. I need to kiss her, need her like air to breathe.
One hand is behind her head so she can’t escape, the other on her lower back, pressing her against me. Fuck! I’ve missed her so much.
My mouth is fucking hers, and she’s returning my kiss just as hungrily. Yes, she wants me. She still wants me.
Carey clears his throat behind us. Slowly, I end our tongue wrestling, kissing her more gently again, and lightly stroking her cheek. Fuck, I’m done.
“Shall we go?” Carey asks, and you can hear the amusement in his voice. Ass.
I sit back down in my wheelchair, and Carey puts Hazel on my lap. He pushes us, and Mac carries our suitcases, which I hate. I need to get rid of this fucking chair.
Instead of going home, Carey drives us to an isolated stretch of beach. There’s nobody else there, but just before the sand starts, there are some picnic tables.
“Is this okay?” Mac asks. “I thought…”
“Perfect.”
Mac and I get out, and I manage the three steps from the car to the bench. Immediately, Carey backs up and turns the car around. He’s going to pick us up again when we’re done. God, I can’t wait to start driving again. This is so annoying.
To top it off, I feel like a prisoner because I can’t even walk when I want to. But maybe it’s better this way. Maybe we need to talk about this while I can’t run from it. The only downside is I can’t run after her if she decides to beat me to it…
She sits on the other side of the table, kneading her hands and chewing her bottom lip. I put my hand on hers.
“Hey, Mac…”
She looks up, and it kills me to see the insecurity in her eyes. That was the look she gave me way back then…and I never wanted to see it again… She needs security.
“Whatever we tell each other here, Mac, when we leave here, we’re also going to leave our past. We need to get it out so the air is clear between us, but then…then we can start looking ahead again, okay?”
She nods but doesn’t seem convinced.
I turn and tap my good leg. “Come here.”
Hesitantly, she gets up and steps around the table. “But your prosthetic…”
“Sit down.” I grab her hips and pull her onto my lap.
She’s so beautiful, and she belongs right here. I smooth her hair back out of her face before I kiss her again. She moans softly. I’ve missed these sounds so much!
Since I’m a greedy bastard, I knead her breasts, her perfect tits that drive me crazy. She squeezes my hand, and I put it in her cleavage. I pull down the fabric of her shirt, freeing her tits. She rubs her pussy against my hard-on.
Fuck!
I won’t be able to talk.
“Mac,” I gasp as I pull away. “I’m so fucking hard. I can’t even think straight.”
She gives me a cheeky smile and massages my dick through my jeans. “I can feel it.”
“You beast.” I kiss the tip of her nose.
She slides off my lap, kneels down in front of me, and starts unbuttoning my pants. I should be a gentleman…but I’m not. I want her full lips around my cock. I’ve thought about her BJs, always hoping they weren’t just a brief spell, that I’d keep getting them for the rest of my life. No, not hoping. At that point, I had no hope left. But I desperately wished it.
She looks up at me, and there’s so much love in her eyes it makes me swallow. My girl is about to suck my dick… Fuck yeah!
She gets my dick out and strokes it before taking it into her mouth. “Fuck, yeah, baby!” I moan, happy nobody but her can hear me.
Her head bobs up and down, her lips wrapped tight around my shaft. One hand grips the base, because she can’t quite fit my dick in her mouth. I imagine for a second what it would be like if she were to deep-throat me, but then I’m back here and now. Even if she doesn’t have my dick in her throat, this is spectacular. And maybe we can work on that in the future…
I put my hands on her head. I want to give her some freedom, but I can’t keep my hands off her. I stroke her long, brown hair, my eyes locked on the point where my cock and her lips are connected. It’s so amazingly hot when it comes out of her mouth, wet with her saliva. She keeps looking up at me through her lashes. Seriously, those looks make a man weak…
“Mac, baby,” I gasp quietly. “This is so hot. You are so good at this. Take it into your mouth some more.”
She does, and I can feel my glans hit the back of her throat every time. That makes it so much better!
Her second hand gently reaches for my balls, rolling them in her palms. Her thumb and index finger forms a ring around the base. I need to hold back not to cum in her mouth right away. Nothing’s better than fucking a tight pussy—except for Mac’s BJs…
I throw my head back and growl, “Fuck!”
Enough said.
She licks across me with her tongue, and I’m in heaven. Or maybe hell, because such pleasure probably doesn’t exist in heaven. But if Mac’s in hell, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
And then I can’t hold back any longer. I reach around her head more tightly, squeezing her against me. I can feel her g
ag a little, but at that moment, I don’t care. I know I’m being a selfish bastard, but nothing is as good as this moment! It is so incredibly sweet. I’ll never need drugs if I have her sucking my dick. There’s nothing like it!
In Germany, she swallowed. So I don’t even think of the possibility that she might not want to do it now. Yes, I know. I should never assume… But, again, my horniness turns off my thinking.
My sperm squirts deep into her mouth, and she swallows every last drop of it. I can feel the waves surging through my cock, getting pulled deep down her throat.
“Fuck, yeah, baby!” I moan, tilting up my pelvis, thrusting into her mouth, extending my pleasure for as long as I can.
When the last drop has left my body, I take my hand off her head. With a little gasp, she lets my cock out of her mouth. She looks up at me. Her eyes are a little moist, and I rub the skin underneath them. She turns her head, kissing my palm.
“Are you okay?” I ask quietly.
She nods and gets up. I close my fly while she straightens her top. Then I pull her back onto my lap, holding her and stroking her back.
“Whatever we have to say to each other, this is the end result,” I whisper in her ear. “You and me. Got it?”
She nods, kissing my neck. “I love you.”
My hands pull her in closer, and I’m more than just happy when her arms hug me back. “I’ve always loved you.”
I can feel her tears, and I know she’s happy. “Don’t cry, baby,” I whisper. But that makes her cry even more. Does anybody understand women?
When she finally calms down, I say, “Let’s talk.”
She nods and moves to climb off my lap.
“Hey, where do you think you’re going?”
She gives me a surprised look. “I thought…”
I give her a smile that melts her. I can see it happening. It’s only fair that she can’t resist me, either. “You don’t think I’m letting you go now that I’ve got you where I’ve wanted you for seven years, do you?”
She sits back down, this time straddling me so we can look at each other. My hands are on her hips, her hands on my arms. “I’m not too heavy?”
I snort. “Don’t be ridiculous!”