by Roman, J.
“Here?” I asked incredulously. He had to be kidding me. It smelled damp and slightly moldy back here, and there was a garbage dumpster not ten feet from the section of wall he’d backed me up on.
“I’ve fucked in worse places,” Jason said. I watched in horrified fascination as he unbuttoned his pants and lowered his zipper. No. It couldn’t happen like this. We had waited because it was supposed to be special. It was supposed to be more than this. I grabbed his wrist, and he looked at me quizzically.
“Jason, save it for this weekend. Not here. Not drunk. Come on, man,” I said. I squeezed his hand before letting go and reaching to button up his pants.
“Either you do me now or I will find someone else to do it.” The threat chilled whatever lust had been rising in conjunction with Jason’s touching and alcohol. I waffled like I had when presented with his other ultimatum.
“You’d do that? To us? Over him?” The words forced themselves out of my mouth, my stomach roiling in protest.
His eyes were twin dead spheres as they met mine in the shadowed light of the alley. “I have to get it out, Tommy. The only cure is to wash it away with something else.”
“He didn’t touch you. He’s not going to touch you. I thought going out was going to wash it off?” Fear and anger swirled inside me in equal measure, both at Jason’s stepdad and at Jason for what he was doing to himself. It was like he was asking to be punished, and I couldn’t stand it.
“It wasn’t enough. I need… please, Tommy.” He put his hand on my pants button and started jerking it open again, the movements jerky and desperate. I shoved him back, and he stumbled. I cursed and reached to catch him, but it was too late. He landed on his ass with a thud. He looked up at me like I’d grown another head, his lower lip trembling. Jesus. I knelt on the ground beside him and gathered him up in my arms as answering tears welled up in my own eyes.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so damn sorry. I didn’t mean to. Please, forgive me.” I wasn’t a violent person. In fact, I held my temper better than any guy I knew, and I hadn’t meant to shove him so hard. “It was an accident,” I added as he clung to me. Am I any better than Jonathan?
“It’s okay. I’m sorry too. My head. It’s so messed up. I can’t deal sometimes.” He sobbed into my chest, the alcohol taking away his inhibitions just like they were doing to mine. If he cried in front of me, he held it in until the last moment, and then, and only then, would he let it out in controlled bursts of sound. This was all-out and raw. I cried with him.
I don’t know how long we stayed there on the cold, dirty ground, crying together over everything and nothing. I wanted so badly to put him back together, to heal him and give him the insular life I had lived in the years up until my mother’s death. I’m not strong enough. I’m not strong enough to do this. But I would have to be. Jason wouldn’t let me bring anyone else into his hell where I’d walked and fought my way in. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized I’d never really had to face something so big by myself. Even when my mother died, Uncle Mark and Uncle Charlie had been there to take me in and take care of me. My cousins had been there to make me laugh and pack my things. With Jason and his situation, I was really and truly alone.
Chapter Three
“COME on, baby,” I whispered against his forehead after the tears stopped and our breathing evened out. The cold, which had been easy to ignore the moment before, was now making the two of us shiver. “We left Dean waiting out there, and he’s liable to fall into a gutter or something. He was almost as drunk as you are.” I was still pretty lit myself.
“Yeah. I’m good now.” His eyes kept sliding shut like he really wanted to pass out. I shook him a bit.
“Come on, J. I mean it, get up.” I folded my knees under me in an attempt to get to my feet. Despite the fact that my legs were numb, I managed. I dragged Jason up and wrapped my arm around his waist so we could lean on one another as we stumbled from the alley and into the parking lot once more. By then I was stiff and cold and so ready to crawl under some blankets and sleep the last few precious hours I had left before I had to get up for my morning swim. Too late I had remembered the homework I’d put off. Damn it.
Jason stopped walking, and I nearly fell over at the suddenness of it. “What the hell?” I asked, wondering and dreading what drama Jason was about to dish out next. That wasn’t a nice thought at all. I immediately regretted it. It wasn’t like Jason could help it. He had been really messed up mentally.
“Dean is getting arrested,” Jason said, staring over my shoulder. I whipped my head around, and shock went through my system. Dean was snarling something indiscernible as the two uniformed officers put cuffs on him while his chest rested against the hood of a patrol car. One of them hauled him backward while the other opened the back of the car.
“Oh God,” I whispered, unable to look away from what was happening. Uncle Mark and Uncle Charlie were going to kill us. As my younger cousin, Dean was my responsibility.
Jason grabbed my hand and tugged me back. “Back up behind the building. If they see us, they’ll do the same to us.”
“We can’t just leave him!” The idea was abhorrent to me. I could go and talk to them, offer to take him home, something.
Jason snorted. “What are you going to do? Fight two cops? Give me your cell. I’ll call one of the twins to pick us up.”
“Jason, we can’t just walk away!”
His expression hardened. “What are we supposed to do, Tommy boy? Dean has the keys. The minute the cops see two other drunk, underage kids, they’re going to drag us down to the station too. And what will that accomplish? Nothing. Instead of picking up one kid, Mark and Charlie will have to pick up three. We have one option, and that is to call for a ride and go home before anything else happens. Trust me.”
“None of this would’ve happened if you hadn’t needed to drown your sorrows, so don’t talk to me about our options!” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them or call them back.
“Hey, who’s over there?” one of the cops shouted from across the parking lot. The uniformed man started in our direction.
“Go, Tommy,” he said, shoving me deeper into the shadows. I hesitated but followed his command. I was always weak where he was concerned, but this felt like cowardice to me. I was sick to my stomach at leaving my cousin. Like rats, we disappeared into the thickest shadows, the tap of our feet on the pavement the only indication that we’d been there at all and the smell of mold a lingering sickness in my nose. For the first time, I walked away from something that was my responsibility, and the sickness of shame joined the churning of uncertainty that had taken up residence in my gut.
AARON pulled up at the minimart in his white Prius with the purple interior lights on the floorboards. I was shivering, arm draped around Jason as I sobered in the wake of adrenaline and the cold. My thoughts were on the horrible turn the night had taken. With a record, could Dean get a scholarship? With all the kids in the house, he would need one. God, what would Uncle Mark and Uncle Charlie think? Dean was always the one in trouble, and they’d worked really hard to put him on the right path.
Aaron and Adrian Vargas were not my favorite people. Both of them were arrogant punk-rock jocks who weren’t really individuals but more a part of the same cocky organism. I was convinced that they didn’t have independent thoughts. To see Aaron without his brother was a rare thing. But I put up with them because Jason had a friendship with them that was relatively close.
“Hey, guys, wassup?” Aaron drawled as he rolled down the window and hit the unlock button. He grinned in that cocky way that set my teeth on edge.
“Glad you’re here, man,” Jason said, smiling right back. How could he smile at a time like this? “You know Kev can’t get out of the house after eleven. Why you still up?”
Aaron shrugged. “Party over at Meghan Daughtery’s place. Adrian was getting cozy with her, so it was about time to leave anyway. You crashing at our place?”
“
Nah. Just need a ride back to Tommy boy’s.” Jason squeezed my waist for emphasis.
Aaron giggled. “Then get in, man. It’s cold as balls out here, and I want to get home. Goin’ to be awful having to sleep by myself, J.J. Sure you two fags don’t wanna come cuddle?”
I blinked in confusion, bristling over being called a “fag” even if he was half joking. What the hell? Cuddle? Seriously? “You don’t sleep by yourself?”
Jason elbowed me in the side. “Aaron and Adrian share a room. Sorry, Aaron. Maybe next time.”
“Yeah. Sure. Cool. Get in.”
I opened the back door behind the driver’s side and crawled in while Jason circled around the car and got into the passenger seat. Aaron cranked up the stereo to some “music” that was more screaming than actual words, and he and Jason shouted at one another over the bass. I stared out the window and watched the city pass as we sped toward our destination. What was I going to tell Uncle Mark?
We arrived in ten minutes, much sooner than I really wanted to. I needed some time to get my thoughts together, and as tired as I was, ten minutes wasn’t enough. Jason and Aaron shook hands, and I even managed to wave as I got out of the car.
“Do you think Mark and Charlie will be mad?” Jason asked as he walked around the side of the house to the side door.
I turned to look at him. Had his parents never gotten onto him? “Uh, yeah. Hell yeah. They’re going to kill us.”
“So they’ll what? Ground us?” His lips twitched like he was amused by the idea.
“It’s not funny, Jason.”
The porch light came on, and fear flooded me. Crap. The door opened, and from the darkened interior stepped Uncle Charlie in his bathrobe.
My uncle crossed his arms over his chest and motioned with his head toward the door. “Get in this house. Right. Now.” I’d never heard Uncle Charlie shout, but the last word had a definite punch to it. He stepped back and glared at the pair of us as we climbed the steps that led into the house. Uncle Charlie brought up the rear and slammed the door behind us. “Go into the living room and sit down.”
Jason opened his mouth, but I shook my head quickly. Please, don’t be stupid about this, Jason. I couldn’t say it out loud, but I really wanted to. Two of the softer lamps were lit, throwing the world into a golden light. The rest of the house was still dark, so Danny and Christian were probably still in bed. Thank God I wouldn’t have witnesses to my humiliation.
I plopped down on the couch, and Jason followed my lead, intertwining our fingers as we waited for Uncle Charlie to speak. He didn’t seem to be able to sit. Instead, he squared his shoulders and took a deep breath.
Finally he started to speak. “We have rules in this house.” I knew that. “We give more leeway to you boys than most parents. We have respected you, cared for you, and given you the benefit of the doubt in situations where most would accuse. So please, explain to me, why did we find your beds empty with no note? And then we get a phone call from the police to inform us that Dean was down at the police station for underage drinking. We had no idea where the two of you were. I didn’t know if you were dead in a ditch somewhere or at a party or passed out.”
“Charlie—” Jason began.
“Do not interrupt me, Jason. You are the newest person in this household, but you are no less subject to our rules. If you would’ve been arrested, you would’ve destroyed your chances at that scholarship from NYU. Dean’s entire future may be compromised because of your actions. He was already on probation because of his record. Your parents may have been okay with this behavior, but I assure you I am not. And, Tommy, your wrestling career is over as far as I am concerned. So I suggest you stop trying to shrink into the couch and play invisible man.”
My mouth fell open. “What do you mean? I made cocaptain this year!”
“I don’t know if you’re responsible enough to be a member of the team.”
I started to protest, but Jason beat me to the punch. “That’s not fair. Extracurriculars look good on college apps.”
Uncle Charlie held up a hand to silence him. “We’ll discuss it tomorrow. I’m too mad to deal with you two right now. Mark will be back with Dean in a little bit. Go get your keys, Tommy, and put them on the coffee table. From this moment on, your driving privileges are rescinded.”
I didn’t argue, didn’t bother. I just stood. I couldn’t even look at Jason as I slunk off toward the kitchen and my bedroom. It was officially the worst night of my life, and I just hoped everything would look better in the daylight. Of course, with the headache that was already pounding behind my eyeballs, I somehow doubted it.
THE banging on my bedroom door was agony. I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut to ward off the shards of light that were attempting to pierce my skull along with the banging noise.
“Get up, Tommy. Get up and come into the kitchen. We’ve got things to discuss,” Uncle Mark shouted through the wood. His deep baritone was sleep-roughened, like he hadn’t had his coffee yet. “Now, Tommy!”
“All right!” I managed to rumble. My hair even hurt.
I rolled out of bed and prayed for coffee. I managed to put on a pair of blue jeans but left off the shirt. Coffee was my main priority. I shuffled to my door and pushed it open. Uncle Mark stood there in his robe with a glass of water and two aspirin.
“For the headache,” he said by way of explanation.
I grunted my thanks and headed in the direction of the coffeemaker. Christian, his meaty little baby arms waving, gurgled his good morning at me where he sat in his highchair eating Cheerios. He was a cheerful little thing. My other cousin, Danny, sat beside Christian, scribbling out some last-minute homework and eating toast.
“You’re going to be late for the bus, Danny. Hurry up,” Uncle Mark said, patting Danny’s head. Danny nodded and scribbled faster. I tossed the two aspirin in the back of my throat and chased them with water. It wasn’t the coffee kick I wanted, but it would go a long way to curing my headache.
“Should I get ready for school?” I asked, recalling how Uncle Charlie had announced his rescinding my driving privileges.
“No. We’re driving you to school late today,” Uncle Mark announced, crossing over to the stove to stir a skillet of eggs he was cooking. I was shocked. We went to school unless we were absolutely dying.
“Morning,” Jason greeted as he came through the door. What had he been doing outside this early? “The windshield has been scraped off and the cars are started.” He was bundled up in the new jacket Uncle Charlie had brought home for him a week ago, and he was wearing the scarf I bought him downtown earlier in the week. Naturally warm, Jason rarely wore both together. It was one or the other. It must’ve been colder outside than normal.
Uncle Mark nodded. “Good. I suggest that you sit and eat breakfast while you can. Go on, Danny. You’re going to be late.”
My cousin shot us a curious glance before gathering his things and pushing back from the table. I poured myself a cup of coffee and added a half ton of sugar before shuffling back to the kitchen table to sit beside my boyfriend. Christian gurgled and slammed his little fists on the tray of his high chair, amused for whatever reason and unquestionably loud. I winced at the god-awful clank.
Danny left out the door. “Where is Dean?” I asked as Uncle Mark put a plate of eggs in front of Jason.
“Upstairs showering,” Uncle Mark said. “He’s got to meet with his probation officer and tell him about his arrest last night. You two are going to go with him and explain your role in all of it. It took some very big promises to get him to be able to move between states on probation. I dread to hear what Brad is going to say.”
Depression settled on my shoulders. It was our fault Dean was in trouble again. “I’m sorry, Uncle Mark.”
Uncle Mark sighed like I’d made him aware of the burden he was carrying. “You have greatly disappointed me and your Uncle Charlie.”
“I know.” And I did know. I knew I had screwed up big time. I glanced at Jason’s sul
len expression. He didn’t seem the least bit repentant. He looked more pissed than anything.
“We’ll discuss your punishments later.”
Uncle Charlie came through the door from the living room already dressed in his suit. He beelined to the coffee pot and poured the last of it in his favorite travel mug. He didn’t say a word to us but exchanged a brief kiss with Uncle Mark.
“Is Dean almost ready?” Uncle Mark asked.
“Yes, but he’s going to have to eat his breakfast on the go because we don’t really have time for him to eat with the other boys. We’re supposed to be there at eight, and it’s seven thirty now.” Uncle Charlie got some bread out of the breadbox and started laying peanut butter and banana slices on them. It was Dean’s favorite snack.
“Is this going to take all day? Because I have a chemistry test this afternoon. I’m already missing my calculus quiz,” Jason piped up. I turned to look at him. Was he crazy? You could cut the tension in the room with a butcher knife.
“Jason, you will be there for your chemistry test, and I will give you a note so that you can make up your calculus quiz this afternoon after school,” Uncle Mark said. It didn’t bode well that Uncle Charlie was still not speaking.
Jason seemed to settle down after that, and it wasn’t another three minutes before Uncle Mark was rushing us out of the kitchen to get dressed. Jason and I still hadn’t had the opportunity to say anything to one another. I didn’t know where he was in his head today. Was he crazy and wild like he’d been last night, or had he settled and returned to his normal sweet-and-sour self? I just didn’t know, and I was terrified he’d show that wild streak to Uncle Mark and Uncle Charlie. I had no way of knowing how they would react, what they would do. At the least, they would demand answers for it. Would they put him in therapy like they had Dean and Danny? Like they’d been trying to make me do since my mom passed away? Or would they kick him out after they realized just how damaged my boyfriend really was?