by Roman, J.
“TOMMY? You okay?” Uncle Charlie asked a few hours later. It was eleven thirty, and I was surprised he was still awake. I sat in the middle of my room, surrounded by boxes, some empty, some half full.
I’d cried a few times as I’d taken out her family albums and saw the pictures we’d taken at Myrtle Beach last year, but I’d held it together pretty well otherwise. For the most part, the things in the boxes were happy memories, leftovers from my old room. Mom’s things had been put in storage to wait for the day I was ready for them. I didn’t know if I ever would be, but it seemed to be okay. The family albums had been the only thing I’d grabbed outside of the stuff from my room. They had been stacked on the dining room table where she’d been working on them, and on impulse I’d stuck them in two boxes the day Uncle Mark had come to help me pack up my things and move them into the new house. I hadn’t remembered I’d done that until I’d opened them.
I looked up. “I’m fine. Just unpacking some boxes.” A strange look came over his face, something between hope, relief, and sadness.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. It was time.” I didn’t think I needed to share my epiphany.
He hesitated like he didn’t know quite what to say. “You need some help?”
“I think I’ve got it. Maybe after I finish we can load the empty ones in the car?”
He nodded. “Sure thing. You need to eat something besides popcorn, though. There’s leftover pizza in the fridge.”
“I’ll eat in a minute. You’ll pick me up from practice tomorrow, right?” I hadn’t thought about it all day. It was the last practice before we had a meet on Tuesday, so it was important I was at my best.
“Sure will. Have you heard from Jason?”
I shook my head, my chest tightening slightly.
“Ah, well, that’s okay. I’m sure you can talk to him about it Monday at school.” Uncle Charlie always seemed so gentle to me. He wasn’t usually the disciplinarian, and I knew that assuming the hard-line he had with us the past week had taken its toll on him. He was a good guy, just like Uncle Mark. They didn’t deserve what we had been giving them lately. Guilt gnawed at my backbone.
“Yeah. I will. Uncle Charlie?”
“What is it, son?”
“I love you guys.”
A soft smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “We love you too, goofball. Finish up and get some supper. I’m going to bed.”
“Good night.”
“Night.” He shut the door as he left.
I ate some pizza and guzzled a glass of juice before I climbed into bed an hour later. I still had a couple of boxes left and a crap-ton more that needed to be taken to the trash, but I was satisfied with the progress I’d made. I checked my phone for the millionth time since Jason had left and wasn’t surprised to find it without messages.
“WHERE’S Jason?” Kevin, Jason’s best friend and resident football god, asked as I came into the cafeteria. He pushed off the wall as I came through the double doors and fell into stride beside me. He obviously hadn’t eaten lunch yet. The tall, broad-shouldered, blond-haired giant was Jason’s would-be bodyguard, the guy closest to Jason other than me. I’d wondered the same thing myself when I’d come onto campus this morning. He hadn’t been at the long brick wall where he usually met up with his friends in the mornings, nor had he been in his first class. I would know; I had waited in the hallway for him afterward, and he hadn’t come out.
I shrugged, hoisting my backpack higher up on my shoulder as I did so. “I don’t know. He was supposed to text me this weekend, and he never did. I assumed he was at your place.” I had even tried to text him first. He hadn’t replied. I’d just assumed he had wanted me to leave him alone.
Kevin frowned. “You mean he left your place?”
“Yeah. His stepdad made him quit his job at work, and he got drunk. My uncles told him he had to go to counseling, but Jason left instead. You know he won’t tell anybody about it.” I could tell Kevin about Jason. He was the only person I could talk to about Jason.
Kevin sighed, his shoulders tensing. “I’ll leave after lunch and see if I can go find him. Aaron didn’t come to school either. Maybe they’re together.” He swallowed as Angelina waved to him from the table we usually sat at. “I just hope he didn’t go back to that stupid bastard’s house.”
A knot formed in my gut. “He wouldn’t.”
“If he thought it would make it easier, he would.” Kevin huffed, sadness settling in his expression. “He can handle suffering so long as no one else is. For someone so self-centered, he hates to see other people hurting because of him.” His blue eyes met mine. “If you hear from him, let me know.”
“Sure.”
He broke off to meet his girlfriend, leaving me to contemplate what he’d just said. Great, now I’m going to worry all day. Lunch was going to taste like ashes, I just knew it.
I tried to engage everyone in lunch conversation, but I just didn’t have much energy. My chicken sandwich was undercooked, my mashed potatoes definitely came out of a bag, and my milk was lukewarm. I managed to bitch about how bad today’s lunch was and even talked a little shop with Davie, another wrestler, while we waited for sixth period to start. But my mind was on Jason, where it always seemed to be lately.
MY CELL buzzed in my pocket as I dumped my tray in the can. I looked around to make sure there were no teachers around before I fished it out. We weren’t supposed to have them during the day, and it would be a bitch if they took mine away. The New Message indicator flashed. It was Jason’s cell. Thank God.
Hey Tommy-Boy, I’ll meet you at your house after school. ;)
I typed out my reply quickly. Can’t. I’ve got w. practice. Where have you been?
Less than a second later, the phone buzzed again. Around. Plz, skip? I need you.
I had a meet tomorrow. The team was counting on me. But maybe I could tell Coach that I wasn’t feeling well. It might cost me my starter position, but that was all right. If Jason needed me, it would be worth it.
Fine. Meet you there. I hesitated before I messaged the next bit. I didn’t want to appear too clingy. I decided to say it anyway. You all right?
Will be when I see you. : )
In my experience, the more emoticons someone used, the more they didn’t want you to know what they were really saying. That was okay. A few more hours and I would be with my boyfriend, and I would make whatever was wrong with him better. Maybe I could even convince him to stay home or go to Kevin’s or something. Too late I remembered the fact that I didn’t have my car.
I scrolled through my contacts until I found what I needed. Hey Kev, can you give me a ride to my house after school? J is meeting me there.
He okay?
Don’t know. He seems off but idk.
Don’t have sex with him.
That gave me pause. What the hell kind of advice was that? He was my boyfriend, and if we wanted to, no one, Kevin included, would stop us. It brought me back to the thought I’d had over the weekend. Maybe we shouldn’t wait. Maybe that was what we needed to take things to the next level. My body was certainly keen on the idea. Jason was gorgeous, and he knew it. His deep green eyes and pretty, plush lips beckoned anything with a pulse. He was a sexual creature, and I was seventeen. If everyone could give me the excuse of teenage hormones, I could give myself the same excuse. Jason had asked me to wait, and I had respected him. But if he changed his mind, I would oblige him.
I didn’t reply to Kevin’s message. I figured I didn’t need to. Besides that, I had arrived at my classroom, and if Mrs. Fox saw me with my cellphone in my hand, she would give my ass detention, and that was something I couldn’t afford today.
KEVIN didn’t mention anything about his message when he met me in the quad after class. I had decided in sixth period that Nathanial Hawthorne was a long-winded prick for writing The Scarlet Letter and torturing generations of students with its tedium. Everything he said could’ve been said in about ten pages minus all his stupid
nine-page descriptions of the rose petals and curtains. I still had no idea what was going on in my seventh period Spanish class, and I made a mental note to ask Uncle Charlie, who spoke Spanish and French fluently, to help me with my homework. Coach had seemed disappointed when I’d swung by his room to tell him I wasn’t coming to the last practice before our meet, but he let it slide since I hardly ever missed and just told me to feel better.
Kevin and I walked silently to the jammed parking lot where his ’69 red Corvette sat off to the side, away from most of the regular cars in an effort to protect it. Angelina’s electric blue VW convertible bug was parked beside it.
“When you see him, tell him to call me,” Kevin commanded, unlocking the driver’s side door before crawling in and unlocking my door.
“I will,” I promised. “You could come in and see him, you know.”
He shook his head. “He doesn’t want me. He called you. He’s avoiding me because he knows I’ll kick his ass for leaving something good for whatever dumbass reason he’s come up with. So I’m relying on you to do it for me.”
“You really care about him, huh?” I tried not to let the spark of jealousy I felt enter my voice, but I don’t think I managed it.
He cranked the engine. “He’s my brother. I would move hell for him if I could. He’s just not easy to do things for. My parents would take him in a heartbeat if he’d put aside that pride of his and let someone help him. I don’t want him like you do, man. When we were younger, I tried to like him like that. I think he maybe wanted it to be like that between us at one time, but I can’t be gay any more than he can be straight. We’re friends, closer than blood, but still just friends.”
Reassured, I nodded. I could understand that. Rick and I hadn’t been nearly as close, but we’d been in that moment of “Could you? Could I?” at one time. Turned out we couldn’t any more than Jason and Kevin could’ve.
The drive home was blessedly short, and I started anticipating Jason’s mood. From his texts, it wasn’t an easy job to do. Would he be playful or moody? It was always a toss-up with him. Capricious, thy name is Jason Strummer. Kevin parked by the mailbox at the end of my driveway and shook my hand as I gathered my backpack from the floorboard.
“Take care of him, Tommy,” Kevin said.
“I will.” There was nothing else to say, and I imagined that Kev was probably late for football practice. I got my bag, opened the door, and then stepped out onto the drive. My footsteps clicked at a quicker-than-normal pace as I went around to the back of the house where my uncles left a spare key hidden in a ceramic turtle beside the back porch steps. I looked at my phone to check the time. It was three forty. Jason should be here by now. I bent to check the turtle and found it empty. He was waiting inside.
I climbed the steps and opened the door that went into the kitchen. Everything was familiar and in place. “Jason?” I called. Maybe he was in the living room. It was then I noticed my bedroom door was shut. O… kay. My heart started to pound with the implications of that.
“In here,” his muffled voice came through the door, and I hesitated only a moment before I turned the knob and pushed the door open. The sight that greeted me sent my pulse into overdrive. A very shirtless Jason was lying on his back on my bed, hands behind his head like something out of a movie. He gave me that smart-ass smirk he used when he was playing.
“Welcome home, Tommy boy. Miss me?” He cracked up. “I always wanted to say that.” He sat up. “Glad you’re here.”
My mouth was impossibly dry all of a sudden. “I did miss you.” My eyes raked him, snagging on the planes of his abdomen and continuing down to his jean-clad legs.
An almost predatory glint came into his eyes, and he rolled out of bed and came at me. “Yeah? How much?” He reached for me, and I didn’t resist it when he pulled my head down for a kiss. I groaned without meaning to and wrapped my arms around his muscled body. My mind blanked, completely devoid of any thought as our bodies merged where our mouths met.
I couldn’t help my wandering hands as the intensity shifted to something more than it had ever been before. Kevin’s warning rang out in my head suddenly as Jason tugged me down to my mattress and we began the grinding dance we’d done many times before. Don’t have sex with him. Did this count? I couldn’t remember why it was a bad idea or why I had ever considered it a bad idea.
“Tommy?” Jason asked, tugging on my shirt in an effort to get it off. I reared back and pulled it over my head before tossing it to the other side of my room.
“What?” I wanted him in the worst way. I wanted him more than I had wanted anything in the history of people wanting things. It was damn close to “needing.”
“You unpacked your mom’s stuff,” he said. It wasn’t what I expected him to say, but I wasn’t in a position to care about the shift. I kissed him and let him work the buckle of my pants as our tongues tangled.
“Yeah.” What did that have to do with anything? His hands cupped the most intimate part of me through my boxers, and I groaned. Damn. How was I supposed to have a conversation now?
“Does that mean you’re ready to let her go or something?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess. Maybe.”
“Okay.” Then he was kissing me again, and somehow we both managed to get one another’s clothes off down to our underwear. Green eyes looked at me under half-lowered lashes. “Tommy, I want you.”
“Want you too, Jason. Always.” I swallowed as everything in my body grew frantic with need.
“I love you, Tommy. I think I’m ready for more.” The sentence didn’t penetrate my fogged mind for a good ten seconds.
“What?”
Jason shifted and looked almost nervous when he next spoke. “I want all of it. I think, you know, that I’m ready to go on now.”
I swallowed. Kevin had said—Screw Kevin. This was about Jason and me. We’d been through a lot in the time we’d been going out, and we’d waited later than most people at our school to take things to the next level. I nodded. I was ready too.
He grinned up at me like he’d won the lottery, and I knew I’d made the right choice. We stripped one another down to nothing and laughed as I fumbled the condom in my shaking hands. I didn’t tell him, but I’d never gotten this far with anyone else I’d been with, and I was nervous as hell that Jason freaking Strummer would be my first. I never felt so powerful as I did in the moment he wrapped his arms around me and whispered breathy encouragements in my ear. This was heaven, and Jason was my angel.
I came apart at the seams a moment later, and I didn’t even care if the jagged edges ever fit back together. Being broken by Jason was the best experience of my life.
Chapter Six
I LAY on my back with Jason curled on my chest, sweat-slicked and drowsy. Every fiber in my body was completely and utterly relaxed, and I felt a giddy high unlike anything I’d felt before. I didn’t want to move. I just wanted to bask in this. Jason made a sound, and I thought it was a sigh at first.
“That was great,” I managed to say. I was supposed to say stuff like that after, right? He didn’t answer, just held on tighter. I frowned. “Wasn’t it?” I didn’t have much to go by, but Jason had orgasmed. I saw it.
“Yeah,” he whispered. “It was great, Tommy boy.” The rough note didn’t set well with me. I tipped his head and looked down in bewilderment. Tears glittered in those pretty green depths. “What happened? Did I do something wrong?”
“No,” he said, the tears spilling over to streak down his cheeks. “I’m sorry. I just needed… something. I—” He shut his mouth, his jaw ticking in some unnamed emotion. My moment of euphoria vanished.
“You went back to your house,” I said, knowing it was true and sick to my stomach to know it was true. His whole body started shaking. I knew then that he’d used me. I’d been another drug he’d used to numb himself. This hadn’t been about us. It had been about his stepdad. I felt sick.
“I told you I needed you,” he managed to say
in a broken voice. I shook my head, denying the fucked up situation. “He was going to the cops, Tommy. He said he was going to come after your family. I had no choice.”
“No. Fuck that! You had a damn choice, Jason. You chose to go back to that place and be used by that….” I couldn’t even come up with a good name for what his stepdad was. Anger twisted my insides into knots. “I can’t do this. I can’t.” I pulled away from him and got to my feet. I deposited the condom in the trashcan with a disgusted grimace and started pulling on my clothes. Kevin had been right. I shouldn’t have slept with him.
“Tommy, no. Don’t say that. I love you. I mean, I really love you. I can’t do this by myself, please—”
“Stop talking! For God’s sake stop talking!” I snapped, unable to bear the sight of him. “You won’t let anyone help you, and I can’t live like this. I won’t.” I pulled on my shirt, the final piece of my wardrobe, and turned back to him. He had pulled my covers up to his chin and was crying softly. “Get your shit and get out, Jason. I will not be a booty call for you. I’m trying to heal, and you are a knife that keeps cutting me open.”
He took a deep breath, and I saw the transformation come over him. Like a fisherman reeling in his gear, his mask slid back into place. Silently, he gathered his things and pulled on his shoes. He paused at the door as he went to leave. “Please, don’t, Tommy. I’ll be better.”
I sighed. “No you won’t, Jason. You know you won’t. You won’t be better until someone makes you be better, and I’m not strong enough to do that.” I’d finally reached my limit with him. I didn’t know how strong my resolve was, but it would have to be strong enough. I loved him, but in this instance love wasn’t enough to make things all better. This wasn’t a fairy tale and I wasn’t Prince Charming, or if I was, my Cinderfella sure as hell wasn’t letting me slay the dragon.