by Roman, J.
There was really no point in delaying the inevitable, and a quick glance at my phone said that visiting hours were over in another half hour. If I wanted to talk to Jason, now was the time to do it. Steeling myself for possible rejection, I opened the door.
To say the room was crowded was a little bit of an understatement. It was standing room only. Tina had taken the only chair, and everyone else just seemed to hover around the hospital bed like planets orbiting the sun. It was an appropriate image. In so many ways, Jason’s gravitational pull seemed greater than the average person, so much so that people forgave him just about anything when he smiled. I was one of those people.
He was pale and looked bruised everywhere. The ugly green hospital gown did nothing to make his pallor look any better, either. His eyes, those beautiful, deep green orbs, seemed to take up his entire face, making him look infinitely younger and doll-like than he probably wanted to appear. The “I love you” was on the tip of my tongue when our eyes met.
“Hi,” he wheezed. He sounded breathless, quiet, the two things my boyfriend never was.
I swallowed hard. “Hi yourself.”
“Tina, could you walk me back down to the coffee machine?” Uncle Charlie asked, taking in the two of us. He was so good to me.
Tina seemed to pick up instantly. “Sure, Charlie. In fact, why don’t we all go? I’m sure the boys want to say their hellos in private.”
The adults filed out of the room leaving Kevin, Jason, and myself alone. I crossed over to stand by the side of the bed that didn’t have Jason’s IV. I had no idea what to say. Talking seemed like what I should be doing, but I had no idea where to begin.
“So, you were my hero, huh?” Jason asked, reaching out and taking my hand. Relief, scalding and knee-buckling, washed over me.
“I brought you something,” I managed to get out, handing him the flowers and stuffed lion I’d carried in my other arm.
He chuckled, but it sounded strained. “Girl.” Awkward silence reigned once more. He tried again. “I’m sorry, you know, for everything.” He twisted the tail of the lion I’d given him, looking like he’d much rather have the earth open up and swallow him than talk to me.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Jason,” Kevin said automatically. That was my line, but I’d been too tongue-tied to manage it. “This isn’t your fault. I’m just glad everything is out in the open now.”
Jason paled further if that was possible. “Everyone knows?”
I nodded. “Yes, baby. Everyone knows. At least my uncles and Kevin’s parents know. You don’t remember talking to the social worker?”
“I remember. I just thought… my mom might’ve told… you know?” He stared at the lion, avoiding our gazes. “Are they mad at me?”
“Why would anyone be mad at you?” I asked. It didn’t make sense to me. It was his stepdad’s fault that Jason was in this position. No one could fault my boyfriend for that.
He shrugged delicately, like he didn’t know the answer either. “They’re going to put me in a home.” He choked up then, the tears starting to spill over onto his cheeks as he tried to keep them in check.
I brought his hand up and kissed his knuckles. “No, baby. No one is putting you in a home. You’re going to live with Kevin.”
He looked up at me, a look of devastation on his face. “You don’t want me to live with you?”
I kissed his hand again. “Of course I do, but with us dating and stuff, it’s probably better if you stay with Kevin.”
“So we’re together?” Leave it up to Jason to cling to something like that. He’d just been raped, had the hell beaten out of him, and had the world he’d tried desperately to hide exposed, and he was worried about whether or not I was still his boyfriend.
I nodded. “Yes, Jason. I’m your boyfriend, and you’re mine, and I’m never going to break up with you again.” The promise was easy to give. The world didn’t make sense unless we were together. We were young and crazy and stupid, and I wanted to be all those things with him. I wanted to worry about normal things, like him looking at another guy’s ass or picking out a crappy birthday present, and I could finally see, though it seemed impossibly far away, the possibility of that normalcy. Jason would never be easy, but he would always be mine.
He nearly sagged in relief. “Okay. I can handle anything as long as you’re here.” He looked at Kevin, who took his other hand. “We’re good?”
Kevin nodded. “We’re great, brother. You ever scare me like that again and I’m going to kick your ass, though. I almost cried like a bitch.”
Jason laughed, the sound joyous to my ears. It ended in a grimace. “Don’t make me laugh, man. Hurts.” He tugged on my hand, and I leaned forward so he could press a kiss to my lips.
“I love you,” I whispered, meaning every syllable. Sometimes it seemed like what I felt for Jason was too big for me, like the feeling was so massive that eventually my body was just going to explode into a million pieces. It was weird to think that this morning I had been cautious about getting back with him, that I’d considered for a second that it wouldn’t happen.
“I love you too, Tommy boy.”
“You guys want me to leave you alone?” Kevin asked, bringing us out of the moment and back into the hospital room.
“No,” Jason said, turning his head to the side to look at Kev. “That’s okay. Sorry. Had to give my man a kiss.”
Kevin shifted. “Cool. Just making sure.”
We chatted about school stuff for a while, avoiding the elephant in the room. Kevin was apparently failing Spanish, and I could sympathize with him on that. While I wasn’t failing, I wasn’t exactly acing it either. I told him about Uncle Charlie and how he was tutoring me in it, and Kevin asked if it would be okay if we studied together sometime. Jason called us both morons and claimed to be in the running for valedictorian, though it was news to both of us. I’d always known he was smart, with his AP classes and whatever, but I hadn’t realized exactly how smart he was.
“So what are they going to do about Jonathan?” Jason asked out of nowhere. The atmosphere in the room plummeted.
“We don’t know. I suppose they’re doing some kind of investigation or whatever. Either way, the social worker said you don’t have to go back if you don’t want to. You’re seventeen, but so long as you have an adult who will take responsibility, you should be good,” Kevin offered. I was grateful he explained, because I still wasn’t entirely certain I understood what was going on as far as that front went.
Jason rubbed his face, looking tired. “I just want this to be over with. I don’t ever want to see him again.” He paused. “Can you find out what happened to my mom? I know she took the truck, but I wanted to make sure she’s okay.” My heart broke for him. If I had my way, I’d say good riddance to her as well and hope that wherever she was licking her wounds, they were half as painful as Jason’s were. But I supposed we never really stopped caring about our parents, even if they were scum. “I’ve got my aunt’s number in my cell. She’ll probably be there. Can you dial it for me before you go?”
I nodded and crossed over to the wooden cabinet by the sink. Inside was what remained of the clothes Jason had been wearing. They’d been cut off, and the contents of his pockets rolled around the bottom of the white plastic bag. I fished out his cell phone and went into his contacts. His aunt was the first one on the list, and I pressed the Call button before handing it back over to him.
Kevin and I were both quiet as we waited for someone to pick up. “Hey, Aunt Wanda. It’s me. Is my mom there?” Jason frowned, his brow lowering in his signature “not happy” expression. I could hear the muffled screeching from where I stood. “I didn’t do anything! What are you talking about? I didn’t touch Mom!” He paused as his aunt continued to rant at him. “Jonathan did this! I didn’t do shit to her. I didn’t ruin—” Louder screaming. “Fuck you! I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t ask for him to do this to me! God, what is wrong with you!”
I caught a
snippet of the conversation as he adjusted the cell phone on his ear. “If you would’ve kept your legs shut and not tempted a good man—” Rage lit me up like a Fourth of July bonfire. I grabbed the phone without thinking.
“Listen, bitch, we’re in the hospital right now, Jason just came out of surgery from what that “good man” did to him, and you will not talk to him like that ever again!” I snapped, shaking from head to toe as the urge to rip someone to pieces overwhelmed all logical thought.
“It’s that little faggot’s fault!” the woman yelled in my ear. “It’s how his kind works.”
“You’re not half the person that ‘little faggot’ is, you homophobic whore. You and the rest of you poisonous, bloodsucking fuckers better stay the hell away from him, and you tell that bitch of a mother of his that if she comes anywhere near him, I will beat her to fucking death and finish what her fucking husband started!” I threw the cell phone against the white block wall and watched it shatter on impact. Silence reigned, and the sounds of running footsteps clued me in that my conversation had not gone unnoticed outside the room. I was breathing like I was winded, and my shoulders were so tight I thought they might snap any second.
“Tommy,” Jason whispered. His voice was the only thing that anchored me as the storm of hate raged inside me. I hated his family, hated his parents, hated his life. I wanted to wrap him in cotton and give him every good thing I’d ever had. I wanted to bleed for him and make other people do the same. I wanted them to suffer as he had suffered, as he was still suffering. “Tommy, come here.”
I turned and took two wooden steps toward the bed. He scooted over a bit and patted the space beside him. I climbed in, careful not to touch his body because I didn’t know what was hurt and what wasn’t. He stroked my head with his free hand, the lion between us. The door opened, and two nurses and our parents filed into the doorway, concern written all over their faces.
“It’s okay,” Kevin said, stepping between us and them. “Just give us a minute. Please?” I couldn’t speak past the anger inside, and I was grateful someone else was handling the situation. It took some convincing to get the nurses to leave—they’d apparently grown exceedingly fond of my boyfriend in the short time he’d been here—but eventually everyone was back out in the hallway, and we had ten precious minutes to spend together until visiting hours were over with.
Kevin came back over to the bed and knelt on the floor beside it. He rested his head near Jason’s other hand, and he started shaking too. It took me a minute to realize he was crying.
“You didn’t need to do that, Tommy. I knew better than to be so causal about it. Aunt Wanda doesn’t like me because I’m gay, and if my mom told her that I was fucking her husband, I knew she’d blame me. I wasn’t thinking. Please, don’t be upset.” He sounded so matter-of-fact, like it was a given that people would blame him and would hate him for this. Tears pooled in my eyes. I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t understand how people could be like that. “Don’t you pity me, Tommy Johnson. Don’t you dare. I’m here. I made it. They don’t mean anything.” I cried for him. I know that sounds stupid, but I think I got why Kevin was doing it and I joined him. It wasn’t pity, not like Jason thought. It wasn’t because I thought he was weak but because I didn’t understand why there would be a world where someone would have to be so strong.
“I just love you, okay? I don’t pity you.” I felt beat-up as the tears ended and the anger left me. It was a hollow feeling.
He seemed to relax after that. “Okay.”
Kevin sniffled, cursed, and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “I fucking hate you, Jason. God, I swear if you tell anyone I cried, I will kick your ass.”
Jason just smiled. “I am so making an announcement on Facebook.” The universe righted itself and returned us to the space of normal we’d been in before as he spoke. Life was a ricocheting rubber band like that.
Chapter Eight
THEY kept Jason in the hospital for five days, and I visited him every one of those days. I even snuck him in a burger from Burger King on his last day there. Kevin and his parents were a constant presence there too, and we didn’t get to spend much time together one-on-one. When he was finally ready for release, it was the day before Thanksgiving. Between my uncles and Kevin’s parents, they arranged for a joint Thanksgiving celebration at Kevin’s house. Jason would be confined to the couch, even though the doctor had said that he could resume normal activities when he felt up to it. His ribs still gave him trouble, and his arm apparently itched like an SOB under the cast, but he was getting restless. His official full recovery time was six to eight weeks, and Tina and Joshua were going to make sure he actually rested. I was secretly supportive of this idea, though I bemoaned his fate along with him whenever he brought it up.
I was sitting on the couch, half paying attention to the TV as Dracula 2000 played in the background. Dean was sitting on the floor with his laptop on the coffee table, Danny was reading something scandalous on his Kindle—I kept looking over and catching words like “burgeoning” and “oh God!”—and Christian was confined to his playpen with a mountain of toys that he randomly banged against the side of the pen. Uncle Mark still wasn’t home from work, and Uncle Charlie was in the laundry room folding clothes. I tapped my foot impatiently. Jason was supposed to text me when he got settled at Kevin’s house.
“Hey, Uncle Charlie!” I hollered, bringing up my empty inbox on my phone yet again.
“What?” His muffled reply managed to be audible over the television and Christian.
“Jason was supposed to be out by one. Should I be worried?”
“It’s only three, Thomas. Let him settle in.”
I sighed. That was not the answer I wanted to hear. I was going to bang my head against a wall if Jason didn’t send me something. I was trying really hard not to be clingy, but the urge was definitely there. Kevin’s dad had bought Jason a new iPhone and put him on their service plan after I’d broken his, so I knew he had one. I just didn’t have the number yet. Maybe I was worried because the last time he said he’d text me, he didn’t for days on end.
My phone buzzed. Hey, Tommy boy. What’s up?
You home? I typed.
Yeah. I think I am finally. Kev and Joshua did my room while I was at the hospital. It’s KILLER.
Can’t wait to see it.
Come NOW.
Dean laughed. I looked up and saw him giving me a weird look. I frowned. “What?”
“I wish I had somebody like that,” my cousin said, the amusement written all over his face. “People don’t date me seriously. Not really. You hear from him and you get all melty. It’s cute.”
I flipped him off. “I do not get all melty.” I probably did, but I wasn’t about to admit it.
I don’t know if I can. I can ask.
Please do. I’m DYING for some Tommy time. I could almost hear Jason saying the words. We’d fallen back into our relationship easily enough. I was so happy things were going to be normal for a while. I felt like we really had a shot this time.
“Uncle Charlie?”
“What, Tommy?”
“Can I go over to Kevin’s? Jason is home, and he wants me to come.”
There was a pause, and I heard footsteps coming from the utility room. Uncle Charlie stood in the doorway of the living room. “Is it all right with Tina and Joshua?”
“I’m sure it’s cool. He wouldn’t have asked otherwise.” I wasn’t 100 percent about that, but I figured it would all work out. Tina and Joshua seemed to like me well enough, and everyone was babying Jason. They’d definitely let me stay.
Uncle Charlie nodded. “Fine. Be back by ten. I mean it. Not a second later or else you’re going to be grounded all weekend. Will you behave?”
I put my hand over my heart. “I solemnly swear not to drink, smoke, or screw anything while I am out and about. And I’ll even be back by ten.”
“Go get ’em, lover boy,” Dean drawled.
I pushed off the
couch and started looking for my stuff. Uncle Charlie tossed me the car keys from where they hung in the kitchen, and I put my shoes on eagerly.
I’m coming over, I texted as I hit the side door and made my way around to the car.
Good. I have something for you. ; )
I couldn’t wait.
I DON’T know what I was expecting when I went into Jason’s room, but this wasn’t it. This was my second time being in the guest room, and it looked completely different. It had recently been painted deep beige with accents of navy blue and hunter green, very masculine and very stylish. It suited him.
A collage of photos hung on one wall, family pictures of Kevin and Jason at various ages, obviously taken when Jason had come over to play as a kid. It reminded me of the history they shared with one another. However, there was a new photo to add to that history. It was a candid picture of our lunch table, one I hadn’t even realized had been taken. I was there, one arm thrown around Jason’s shoulder, my hat cocked to one side because I was joking around. Jason was leaning into me, all smirking grin and amusement. We looked really in love. I had become part of the collage of his life, a permanent fixture in the otherwise unstable landscape of his existence.
Those things weren’t what I was captured by, though. It was the man in front of me. Jason was in a pair of Family Guy boxers and a black tank top that showed off his arms… and his bruises. It made my heart hurt, but even that was a distant concern. He held a small bouquet of three perfect red roses and some baby’s breath in one hand. In his other arm, the one with the lime green cast, he held a zebra plushy.