Standing, he headed out to the porch. She didn’t move a muscle as the door slammed behind him. “Hey, we were working remember?”
She didn’t look up. She leaned her elbow on the rail, her phone clasped in her palm. “I need a minute, okay?”
Warning alarms rang through his head. When Jen pulled away, it usually meant bad news. He didn’t want to push it, or push her. He hadn’t been back in her life long enough to even assume she wanted to share anything with him. Still, seeing her in obvious distress didn’t set well with him. “Can I help?”
She didn’t answer. If anything, her shoulders slumped a bit more.
“I’m sorry for whatever bad news you just got, but maybe my news can raise your spirits a bit. I studied the layout of the Trails’ End. You want the house, barn and the outbuildings for your camp. I want the fields and crops. We can work through this and figure out how to make both our dreams come true. Especially for the camp.”
She tilted her chin and looked up at him, her eyes dull and mouth straight. It wasn’t much, but at least he got her attention. He ran with that little crumb of encouragement. “How does this sound -- I’ll buy the ranch and draw up a lease giving you and the camp perpetual access to the agreed upon acreage. I’ll even work in improvements over the course of your lease as the camp grows.”
Jen straightened from the railing, her back propped against the support post. Her gaze darted around everywhere but meeting his. Zac didn’t know if this was a good move, but at least he’d gotten a reaction. When she opened her mouth to speak, he rushed in and cut her off.
“Don’t make a decision right now. I know it sounds sketchy at best, but believe me, we can make this happen. You’re still trying to find funding and from the looks of the crop rotations you’re working on, there is a lot of gray area in your knowledge to secure any loans. I can help you, if you just let me.”
Her fingers curled around the phone as the heel of her boot stomped on the porch boards. She finally met his gaze, her blue eyes bright with moisture. “Zac--”
“It will work, Jen.” He interrupted again, expectant, yet afraid of her response. “We were a great team once. Together we can build this place, make it the best working ranch camp it can be. It’ll be fun.”
Moistening her lips, her mouth returned to the same grim line. She held up the hand and waved her phone at him. “No preparation in the world will help me get these words right, so I’m not even going to try.” Tears brimmed, but none spilled over. “You’ve got a daughter, Zac, and she’s going to die unless we can help her.”
A daughter? No way he’d heard that right. Her chin trembled making the hairs on his forearms rise. Jen never cried, not even when she had good reason. “What?”
Her fingers curled tightly around her phone as her fist pumped up and down. “You…you and I…we had a daughter,” she said softly. “A long time ago. She has cancer. She needs a bone marrow transplant.”
Daughter? Cancer? Acid spiked the middle of his gut as memories busted out of the depths of his heart. The dreams - and the love - they’d shared. Whispered commitments to each other that hadn’t amounted to more than passion for the moment.
Jen squared him with a steady gaze despite the moisture making her blue eyes sharp and brilliant. Apprehension grew and he tamped it down into oblivion, giving it a spin out of pure self-preservation. “One of your camp kids needs help? How can I help?”
The slow shake of her head made it impossible to misconstrue the truth. Bitterness rose in his throat. “How? When?”
Pushing away from the post, she squared her stance and swiped away the tears rolling down her cheeks. Her capable, nurse persona slipped into place. “A long time ago.” She crossed her arms, her fingers locked into her elbows giving the appearance of an immovable force. “I gave her up for adoption. To a very good family.”
“Our baby?” Giving voice to his fears only shocked him more.
Silence.
His mind spawned dozens of scenarios to justify the information given him. Some viable; some ridiculous. Some simply outrageous.
“Is this some sick way of getting back at me?” Her lack of response made his anger burn hotter. “Your life was always lined up. Every piece in place. Have I messed up your plans? Broken a link in your tidy chain?” Even as the cruel words poured out of his mouth, he knew the truth and it did not set him free.
The color drained from her face. “No.”
He barely heard her as the enormity of the situation crashed around him. Talons of betrayal ripped through his heart. She’d had a child…their child…a child he’d never known about. The realization made him sway as he reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose.
And their child had cancer.
* * *
Her life had never lined up. Zac had been the only constant in her life. After her mother had died, Jen had counted on him to be there for her…and then he wasn’t. A whole new world had opened up to him and he’d embraced it with gusto. “No.”
“No, what? You hate me, or I messed up your plans?”
“Neither.” Thoughts and feelings long subdued shot to the surface and she didn’t know how to stop them. She motioned to the wicker furniture arranged beneath the window. “Zac, can we sit down?”
“I’d rather stand as my world explodes around me.”
Jen hiked a hip onto the porch railing and prayed for the right words to explain, to make him understand. “We messed up our plans. We were invincible the summer before college, remember? Plans, dreams, freedom all lay before us - before both of us, Zac. You were leaving for Colorado State and I was packed for DU.” She pushed away from the railing and began to pace. “Had a great apartment lined up just off campus with a roommate chosen for me like something out of an Internet dating site.”
She took a breath, undaunted by the uncompromising jut of his chin. “That’s having your life all lined up. Classes, books, friends all waiting for you to walk in and begin a new life. The only thing missing in the whole picture was familiarity and heart.” She stopped back at the newel post by the steps and looked out over the hillside covered in pine trees backed up to her house. Vast and serene, a slice of mountainside she could only appreciate now that the past was behind her. The whole ranch became a fortress for her when she finally realized God’s plan for her life, that she’d never been alone. She squinted along the ridge line, following a trail of cone studded pines until she returned back down to the porch and met Zac’s wary brown eyes. She dropped her gaze. “Yeah, I was excited to begin my nursing degree, but nothing was lined up in my life.”
“Are you telling me you were homesick? After all the plans we’d made? You wanted back home?”
“That was the last thing I wanted.” Recognizing his disgusted tone, she dug her fingertips into the railing. “You found your new life.” The cruel memory of walking into the lobby of his dorm wisped through her brain. She shook it away before the details played out. “I got what I wanted, and so did you.”
“What did I get?”
A creak of the porch board warned her he’d stepped closer. He stood beside her now, a lifetime too late for everything she'd wanted to say to him. And everything she wanted him to say to her.
“Neither one of us was ready to raise a child, Zac.” A breeze blew her hair across her cheek. “I made a decision I thought was best.”
“You were pregnant and handled it alone?” He grabbed his ball cap and pulled it off before driving his fingers through his hair. “I don’t buy it. Maybe the kid wasn’t mine.”
His words stabbed deep in her heart. She lifted her head and met his defiant glare. “I forgive you for saying that.”
He blew a breath as he fit the cap back in place. “So why didn’t you tell me?”
“I tried to once, but couldn’t go through with it. I wasn’t going to ruin the life you’d dreamed about for so long.” Her stomach turned at the memory of their moonlight talks back in high school filled with the big what-ifs of life. They
’d shared their innocent dreams, their eager anticipation of finding out what the world held for them. The promises they’d made to one another, promises carrying as much weight as the breath they’d been delivered on in the heat of the moment. “You couldn’t wait to get out of Hawk Ridge. I didn’t want to drag you back. I didn’t want you to resent me.”
Zac stood silently, digesting the secret she’d held alone for so many years. The Zac of years ago would have thrown a tantrum and denied the claim. Jen didn’t know what to expect out of the Zac that stood before her today. “I didn’t want you to resent us.”
“So you just took the decision out of my hands because you didn’t think I could handle it?” his tone strung so tight it cracked. “Wasn’t that just martyr-ly of you.”
“I didn’t know what to think, Zac,” she snapped and began to pace across the porch. “I didn’t know what to do. I was eighteen years old. I was scared. I had no one to turn to. I prayed and prayed for an answer and then prayed some more…and still, I wasn’t sure.” Her emotions collided as memories boiled to the surface. “Being a martyr had nothing to do with it. I didn’t want to disappoint you, I didn’t want to disappoint my dad.” She stopped back at the railing and looked out along the pine-covered slope. “But that’s exactly what I was — a big, fat disappointment.”
She fought the tears, yet they spilled down her cheeks anyway. “I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t run to you. All I could do was ask God for direction, and I didn’t get a whole lot of that either.” Brushing at her cheek, she confronted the last demon on her list. “If your parents found out, they would’ve made you do the right thing. I couldn’t let that happen.”
He turned from her and planted his hands on the railing, dragging in a deep breath. “You more than anyone—” he stopped, the veins in his neck protruding along side muscle and tendons. “I thought you believed in me. I thought you knew me.”
Jen leaned closer, trying to catch his soft words. Her own thoughts jumbled together…a couple of months out of Hawk Ridge, he’d found the life he’d dreamed of...and it hadn’t included her. “I knew you; I knew me. I knew we weren’t old enough to take responsibility for a new life. I did the best I could.”
“You decided for the both of us.”
“You’d moved on.”
He straightened, his movements stiff and pained. Folding his arms across his chest, his biceps strained within the confines of his sleeves. “How do you know what I felt?”
“I had a pretty good idea.” Jen didn’t want to dig any deeper into the memories she’d kept closed away for so long. She certainly didn’t want to open the door and let them spring out all over Zac. She wasn’t ready for that yet.
“You always thought you knew it all,” he said with a rawness that tore between them. “You never had a clue.”
CHAPTER FOUR
The last few bites of his sister-in-law’s savory chicken potpie stuck in his throat like paste on a pinata.
“Good to have you home, Zac.” Melanie passed a bowl of seasoned zucchini to him as the family sat around his parents’ kitchen table. “After two years of being a part of this family, I’m looking forward to getting to know at least one of Gabe’s brothers.”
“You got the prize out of this litter, Mel. You might think you want to get to know them, but really, you don’t.” Gabe grinned with pride.
Zac grabbed his glass of water and took a long drink. Gabe’s wife, Melanie, knew how to make meals tasty and heart healthy. Even six months pregnant with twins, she insisted on cooking for the entire family whenever Gabe gave the go ahead. For a man who swore he’d never get married, Gabe hit the marital jackpot when Melanie and her son had literally crashed into his life.
That crash didn’t compare to the explosion Jen had detonated only hours earlier. He set the glass down and picked up his fork, stirring a piece of crust with the tines. He prided himself on knowing what he wanted in life and going after it. How was he supposed to deal with this foul ball? The familiar dinnertime banter surrounding him should have bolstered his mood, but instead, left him feeling like a complete and total alien.
He’d fathered a child. Did he tell his family? What happened next? He herded a small group of peas with his fork to the center of his plate.
“Don’t you listen to him, Melanie.” Grace Davidson buttered her dinner roll in complete oblivion to her son’s dilemma. “Nick and Zac are fine men. They’ve been about their business and visit when they can.”
Grace nudged him with his elbow when he didn’t respond. With a frown, Zac stabbed a pea, sending it spinning across his plate. “I get home when I can. I’m here; Nick’s not. Pick on him.”
“Oh, dear, we’re not picking on anyone.” Grace shooed Gabe’s anticipated retort away. “It’s always nice to be remembered by your children. When they have the time.”
“Grace, the boy is home, quit nattering at him.” Martin swallowed and pointed at her with his fork. “Pass the potatoes.”
“I’m not nattering at him. I simply—”
“Dad, it’s alright.” Zac nodded at Martin and grabbed his plate. He had no business ruining the conversation at the table with his mood and he certainly didn’t want his mother wheedling it out of him. “I’ve been away awhile, but now I’m home. Excuse me, I need some air.” Placing his dishes in the sink, he grinned at Melanie as he slapped Gabe on the back. “I can see why my brother has picked up a few pounds. Great meal. Thanks.”
“Hey,” Gabe protested. “It’s all muscle.”
“That’s what you’ve been telling me for years, bro.” Zac pulled open the door and gave his brother the once over. “Looks good on you.”
A hint of fall nip greeted him as he stepped out onto the porch that ran the distance of the house. The slight wind carried the scent of pine and timber, wrapping him in the peace of home. No matter how far he traveled or how long he stayed away, the homestead kept a power draw on him. A draw he fought no more.
He stepped over to a pair of wooden rocking chairs. The chairs had been there ever since he could remember. A small table now sat between them and a three cushion glider added additional seating. He sank down into the floral print of the chair closest to the railing and propped his booted feet up on the handrail, staring across the drive at the corrals and old, black barn. Little had changed, yet everything had changed. What had Jen been thinking? If he’d given her a car and she’d chosen to sell it because they’d broken up, he wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But a child? They created a child together and she gave it away?
My child. She gave away my child.
Anger, confusion, despair all clamored for attention in his brain. All rational thought escaped him and he bowed to the whim of emotions. A mixed-up, turned-around, unfathomable churn of emotions.
“Zac?”
He jumped at the soft voice. Not two feet away, Melanie stood beside him, her brows drawn together as she studied him.
How could a woman so obviously uncomfortably large move so quietly?
“Zac, are you awake? Is it okay if I join you? Gabe won’t let me do the dishes, so I thought I’d better just get out of the way.”
“Sure. Have a seat.” His feet hit the porch with a thud as he shifted in his chair and faced her. Talking was the last thing he wanted to do. “Too much action in the kitchen?”
She sank onto the glider, stretching her legs across the cushions. “Way too much. Grace moves around that table like war planes at two o’clock. I could’ve stayed in the corner and listened to her tell Gabe he was washing dishes all wrong, or I could come out and cool off in the early fall evening air. I think I chose wisely.”
“For your sanity, I think you did, too.” Zac grinned in the deepening dusk. He really liked Melanie. She had a way of cutting to the heart of the matter without caring if the other person wanted to hear her opinion or not. You knew where you stood with her.
Yep. He liked her a lot. “What does Jason think about being a big brother soon?”
“He’s a coward about it, just like Gabe. The thought of gaining two sisters at once is a bit intimidating.” Melanie laughed. “Before I married Gabe, Jason didn’t really know what family life was like. He had no idea having a dad and grandparents could be so much fun. And now, he’s about to have siblings. ”
Her smile faded as she looked across the yard toward the mountain peaks. “Jason never knew his father. He’d abandoned us when I got pregnant. We weren’t married - hadn’t even discussed the option. My parents and I didn’t see eye to eye on how I should handle the situation. I kept my final decision from them for years. Jason didn’t meet my parents until a couple of years ago.”
The conversation hit close to home. Same circumstances; different ending. “Why did you do it then? Keep the baby, I mean?”
At her silence, Zac realized he’d stepped over some serious privacy bounds. “Sorry, Melanie, I didn’t mean to pry. Forget I asked. Please forget I asked.”
“It’s okay, Zac. Really.” She shifted on the settee and stuffed a throw pillow behind her. “It wasn’t an easy decision to make. I knew I wasn’t going to terminate the pregnancy like Paul wanted me to do. My parents decided adoption was the only course I could consider. No one asked me what I wanted to do. Good thing too, because I didn’t have a clue. So, I prayed.”
The sounds of the night closed in around them and the wind blew just hard enough to keep the mosquitoes away. Zac leaned toward her, not wanting to miss a word. Never before had he thought about unplanned pregnancies or what women did about them. Now all of a sudden, the information and circumstances were coming at him from every angle. Voices sounded from the kitchen along with cabinet doors closing and footsteps crossing back and forth. The dishes were almost done. Please, Lord, I want to hear the end of the story.
“I didn’t think God heard my prayer for the longest time. I didn’t gain any great wisdom or see a path to follow. I prayed throughout my pregnancy for direction and all I got was help, support and assistance from everyone I knew. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but God had answered my prayers all along. I went into labor and delivery thinking I’d talk to someone at the hospital about giving up my baby.” Her voice trailed as she smiled at him, a smiling full of joy and compassion. Zac stared, too engrossed to realize how close he’d leaned toward her until she sat forward practically nose to nose with him.
Second Chance Ranch (The Circle D series) Page 5