by Tia Siren
I sat there for several minutes, trying to focus on what Taryn was saying but completely aware that Will was across the room. My heart was pounding in my chest, and even though my stomach had calmed with the bread, I was starting to feel a bit dizzy and light-headed. I couldn’t believe that out of the entire city, I had walked into the restaurant where Will was entertaining a client. It was like the universe was playing games and I was its target. I took a deep breath and sipped my water before pulling my napkin off my lap.
“I’ll be right back,” I said. “I have to use the restroom.”
“Okay. Do you want the usual if the waiter comes back?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “That will be perfect. Just no wine this time.”
“You feeling okay?” she asked, laughing. “I mean, I can’t remember the last time you turned down wine.”
“I’m fine.” I faked a smile. “I’ll be right back.”
I stood up, trying not to look over at Will, and walked through the restaurant to the back where the bathrooms were. Before I could open the women’s door, I felt Will’s hand on my arm, pulling me into the unisex bathroom. I looked around at the familiar setting, remembering when we had come in here before, which was exactly why I was in the position I was currently in. I hadn’t exhibited any self-control back then.
“I saw you get up,” he said. “I had to come talk to you.”
“Right,” I said, shaking my head.
“I remember the last time we were in here,” he whispered, leaning his face close to mine. “It’s probably one of my favorite memories actually.”
“Oh?” My eyes were closed, and I felt his breath against my cheek as my heart flip-flopped in my chest.
“That was so hot,” he whispered. “Holding you up against the cold wall, plowing into you with people right on the other side. Maybe this would be the perfect time for a repeat.”
He ran his hand up my side. The hair on the back of my neck stood up as I thought about getting fucked right then and there. He leaned toward my ear and kissed my neck.
“I really miss your sweet little pussy,” he whispered.
I had to admit, with having so many hormones flying through my body at once, I was tempted. Pregnancy had started to make me extremely horny, and all I wanted right now was his cock inside me. However, I took a deep breath and stood firm.
“Not today,” I said, putting my hands on his chest. “We talked about this.”
“No?” He leaned in toward my lips. I breathed in deeply and pushed against his chest, moving him backward.
He stopped and put his hands up, a look of hurt on his face. I hated that this was so difficult, and I hated that everywhere I turned, there was Will. I took a deep breath and shook my head.
“I don’t know what else to tell you, Will,” I said. “We can’t do this anymore.”
“Why not?” he asked. “I can see in your eyes that you want me.”
“I have news for you, Will,” I said, getting irritated. “You may think you’re the most desirable man ever and that because of that and your power you can do anything you want and people will just melt at your feet, but I’m not one of those people. You think you can march into the bathroom, kiss me, seduce me, throw me down, and fuck me, but you can’t. You know why you can’t? Because I’m not yours. I’m an independent woman, and I’m no longer here to satisfy your fantasies. I’m not a woman who’s going to let you use me anymore to fill a gap or fantasy in your life. If that’s something you need, then you might want to start looking somewhere else for a girl who fits the bill, because it’s no longer me.”
With that, I turned and walked out door, shutting it behind me and leaving him there to stew in his own thoughts. He annoyed the hell out of me. I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to even try that. Had he heard nothing I had said when I talked to him last time? Had he completely forgotten the conversation in the hallway when I first got back home? It had been hard to tell him no, but I was damn glad I had. I needed to focus on my future, whether Will was a part of it or not. Eventually I would have to tell him about the baby, but at that moment, I wanted to be as far from him as I could get.
Chapter 23
Will
Sitting at my desk these days was almost like torture. I had enough stuff to keep me busy, but my mind was stuck on my life at home. I wanted to focus. My business was important. But so much had been happening with Ella coming back that I could barely concentrate when someone was sitting right in front of me. I was sure I had read the same e-mail ten times and still hadn’t responded to it yet. I hadn’t talked to Ella in a few days, ever since the bathroom incident at the restaurant. I had read things all wrong. I had thought if I reminded Ella of how hot things used to be, she would want to rekindle that romance. I should have known from the way she’d been acting that it wasn’t going to be that easy. I was starting to be reckless when it came to her. Taking her into the bathroom in the middle of the day with a client sitting out on the floor had been dumb of me.
Her response to my advances had started to get me thinking. As soon as she had stormed out of the bathroom, I had realized I had hurt her far worse than I’d thought. My previous behavior toward her wasn’t something she could forgive me for, nor was my way of trying to make it up to her. I was going to have to change my strategy. Coming on to her wasn’t working and trying to talk to her alone was also backfiring on me. Even though I knew my behavior was a big reason she was pushing away from me, I sensed that maybe something else was going on with her. I couldn’t be sure because she was refusing to talk to me rationally about anything.
I needed to sit down with her and really talk. I wanted her to feel comfortable talking to me, like she had when we were texting and Skyping before. I needed her to open up to me again, because besides the fact that her attitude was impeding my attempts to get her back in my life, I was starting to worry there was something wrong that she wasn’t telling me.
I stared out the office window, wondering what the best approach would be. I didn’t have the luxury of time on my side since every day brought us closer to when she would return to school. I needed to be bold, direct, and show her that I cared about what was going on in her life. I needed to be candid with her as well, showing her that I was willing to open up to her, maybe gain some of that trust back that I had lost along the way. I picked up the phone and dialed Ella’s number, deciding that this couldn’t wait.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Ella, it’s Will,” I said.
“I assumed so since your name came up on my screen,” she replied sarcastically.
“Right,” I said, shaking my head. “I was calling to see if you would meet me later so that we can sit down and talk seriously about everything.”
“I’m not sure what else you think there is to say,” she replied. “I told you how I felt about our situation. I told you how I felt about my life and how busy I am.”
“Yes,” I replied. “You told me a lot, but I never had the chance to tell you anything.”
“I don’t know,” she said with a sigh. “I just don’t think it’s going to do anything but drag this out more than it should be.”
“Please,” I said. “I just need to talk.”
“You just needed to talk before and you told me I was distraction.”
“I know I did,” I said shamefully. “And it was terrible of me, but at the same time, it wasn’t taken the way I meant it.”
She groaned. “Fine. I will meet you, but only for a few minutes.”
“Thank you,” I said. “How about we meet before the party on Saturday? Avery will be with his grandmother, so we can talk openly.”
“All right,” she said. “I’ll see you Saturday.”
When we hung up, I already felt better because I was going to be able to sit down with Ella and talk to her face to face. This time, though, unlike the day she got back, I wasn’t going to let her rule the conversation. I was going to be assertive in letting her know what I was feelin
g and how things could be changed. Before I could think about it anymore, there was a knock on my office door. I looked up and nodded my head, seeing Brian standing there looking in at me. I had completely forgotten we had a meeting scheduled.
“Hey,” I said, standing up and shaking his hand. “Please, sit down.”
“You okay?”
“Huh?”
“I can see it written all over your face,” Brian said as he sat down. “There’s something going on with you. It’s like you’ve taken distracted to a whole new level. Even when I saw you yesterday, it was like you were on a completely different planet.”
I sighed. “Yeah. I guess I’m more than a little distracted right now. I’m sorry. I know you guys need me to be focused and on my game when I’m here.”
“Work aside,” he said, “you’re not normally the kind of guy to be distracted. What is going on with you?”
“Nothing, man.” I sighed, straightening the papers on my desk.
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” he said. “Come on, tell me what’s up.”
“Ella is back in town,” I said, shaking my head.
“That’s a good thing, right?” He laughed. “”I mean, you can at least get laid.”
“Yeah, except when she showed up, she was completely iced over toward me,” I said. “Like stone cold, not wanting anything to do with me, icing me out.”
“Wow. What made her do that? I mean, you aren’t the most charming guy in the world, but hasn’t she been away at school?”
“Yeah,” I said. “But the last time we were together, she had somewhat called it off right before she went back to college. It was this whole thing after we had sex. I said something stupid like I tend to do. I mean, she was pissed, but at the same time, I didn’t think it was really that big of a deal. I thought she was trying to keep things under control while she was away. From the way she’s acting, though, you would think I killed her cat and then pushed her down a flight of stairs. I’ve heard of the cold shoulder before, but it’s bad, like really bad.”
“Okay,” Brian said, shrugging his shoulders. “So go out to the bar, pick up a chick, and get laid. I don’t really understand what the problem is.”
I realized that I hadn’t been completely honest with Brian. I hadn’t wanted him to see me as weak or incapable of having a casual relationship. However, by painting that picture, I was now stuck in a position where I couldn’t tell him why it was bothering me so much. I couldn’t tell him that I had tried sleeping with someone else and hadn’t been able to get Ella off my mind. I couldn’t be vulnerable with my own best friend because I had been such an asshole from the beginning with the whole Ella situation. Now I was stuck looking like a complete idiot with no explanation to give Brian.
“Look, dude, you had your fun,” he said. “You got to screw this hot little college student for quite a long time, and without getting latched down in a relationship. Now, you have the ability to move on to the next girl. I mean, you landed the dream of every guy our age: a hot, sexy college girl fucking your brains out every time she comes to town and then icing you just when it could get awkward, setting you free into the world. Like, this is literally no muss, no fuss here, dude. You should be thanking the universe for handing you the perfect single-man scenario on a silver platter. If you start digging now, you’re just going to ruin it with drama and emotions.”
“Yeah, I feel you,” I said, shaking my head.
“You know, it could also be a testament to your sexual prowess,” Brian said.
“How?”
“Dude, you’re the older guy. You probably showed her things she had never experienced before. I mean, it really depends on how sexually active this girl was before you met her, but you probably really opened her eyes and got her blood pumping. It’s a possibility that she took all that hot sex she learned and found herself a man back at Harvard. This is just the only way she knows how to keep herself from sleeping with you again.”
I sat there thinking about what he had said, and I didn’t like it. Immediately, a strong sense of jealousy flowed through me at thinking about Ella sleeping with anyone else. Besides, she was a headstrong girl. I was almost positive that if that had been the case, she would have just told me the truth. I took in a deep breath and let it back out, shaking my head. I really hated the fact that I had to think about this at all. It was fucking exhausting.
“I do have to say, though, you seem a lot more upset about all this than you should be,” Brian said, sitting forward. “It makes me think there’s more to this than you’re letting on. I mean, you didn’t go and fall in love with this girl, did you? It’s not a classic switch-up where the girl gets icy and the guy is pining away, is it? I mean, I’m not judging. You can tell me.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I didn’t fall in love. There’s no pining for her. I just think it’s strange the way she is acting, and I wanted to know what was going on with her. If it really is nothing or she is in a relationship or whatever, I don’t give a damn. I guess I just want to make sure she’s okay, no hard feelings and no crazy psycho tendencies.”
I was lying my ass off, knowing full well that she was not okay, there were plenty of hard feelings, and she was in no way a crazy psycho. However, sitting there in front of Brian, I just made shit up, trying to appease him since I knew he didn’t think highly of women right now. I wished I had someone to talk to about this whole situation, but it looked like I was going to have to go it alone.
“Yes, you do care,” Brian said, rolling his eyes. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be so worried about what was going on with her. But anyway, this is your thing, man. It’s okay if you aren’t a woman hater. You have no reason to be.”
Brian and I changed the subject to work and went through our meeting. When he was gone, I sat back in my chair and thought about the conversation we’d had. If I allegedly didn’t care about any kind of future with Ella, then why was I so obsessed with the whole thing? Maybe Brian was right. I cared a lot more for this girl than I was allowing myself to admit.
Chapter 24
Ella
I was extremely glad I had the kind of body that wasn’t showing I was pregnant yet. Hiding a baby belly would have made things even more stressful, and my family would have caught on. My stomach, at that moment, was still flat, and it didn’t even look like I had eaten a big lunch or anything. I did check it every day, though, obsessed with knowing what it looked like so I wouldn’t get caught off guard by someone’s comment. I had even taken daily pictures to compare so I could see when the change started to happen. So far, it looked like I was in the clear. When I went in to the ob/gyn to get my initial checkup and all the tests run, the doctor had told me I might not even start to show until I was six months along. That information had calmed my nerves quite a bit, especially after I calculated that I would be happily back at school, getting ready to go into the homestretch of my last semester. They may notice there, but I didn’t care about them. I cared about Will and my family.
Every time I saw Will now, I thought about the baby. Every time I saw Will with Avery, I thought about the fact that I should tell him I was pregnant. At the same time, though, I was having a hard time believing he would have a positive reaction when he found out. I imagined him flying off the handle, and the anxiety I felt at that made me consider not telling him at all and just being a single mom, taking care of things on my own. Would it make me a horrible person to not want a man to force himself to be part of my life just because of a child?
I was convinced Will didn’t see me as anything more than a nice distraction and a plaything for when he got horny. How could I not think that way? He had literally told me I was the perfect distraction the last time I was home. He was not interested in having anything real or serious with me, much less raising a child with me. The fact that he had already tried to have sex with me again in the bathroom more than proved my point. Just thinking about his attitude in the bathroom that day turned me away from thinkin
g he had any feelings for me.
It might be best if I just never told him and let him continue with his life the way it was. Maybe I should move on and completely distance myself from him, go somewhere new and raise my baby. Just because he was affluent, well-known, rich, and already a father didn’t mean he would want to be part of this child’s life. There was a chance he would tell me he didn’t want anything to do with us. It wasn’t outside the realm of possibility. Even more famous and richer people than him had thrown their children to the wolves. Steve Jobs had completely separated himself from one of his daughters, not wanting anything to do with her. I almost felt like it would be worse for my child to grow up knowing their father didn’t want them than wondering if he did. The pain that would cause would obviously never go away, and I didn’t want to start my child’s life on a negative note.
Just thinking about my child in pain made me upset, and I hadn’t even seen a sonogram of them yet. I had to be a mother before I was even a mother, and all because Will was being such an asshole. I walked out of the bathroom, where I’d just taken a shower and done my hair and makeup, and pulled my dress off the hanger on the door. Tonight was the Christmas ball, and I had picked out the perfect dress. I was supposed to meet Will before the party to chat, but I was going to stand him up and ignore his texts and calls. At that point, with the baby dilemma on my mind and the way he had acted the last time I saw him, there was no way I could face him. I didn’t know what he wanted from me anymore. I’d made everything clear and put it all out there. He had made his feelings perfectly obvious as well. There was nothing else to be said.
Will was going to the party, and there was a strong possibility I would see him there, but with so many people in attendance, I was betting I could avoid him. I had always been able to avoid my parents at these kinds of events, not having wanted to be showcased around as some sort of trophy, so it shouldn’t be difficult to avoid him as well. I shook my head at my reflection, confident in my plan. I was also impressed by how I looked. My dress was red and sparkly, and it flowed down to the floor. I had pulled my hair back in a loose updo and hung ruby earrings from my lobes. My makeup was subtle but festive with ruby red lips to complete the look.