by Ali Dean
When I hadn’t seen him anywhere, it wasn’t an old familiar ache in my chest like earlier. It was a sharp pain with a wave of sickness. And it made me mad as hell. I wanted to find that bat and swing it at something. Which scared me. And made me madder.
As I’d walked back to the truck, I’d tried to put more than physical distance between me and Cruz. I hurt. My feelings hadn’t been hurt, not really, in years. Only Cruz had the ability to make me feel like that. Like a crazy girl. I thought I’d seen a glimpse of something. Thought I’d felt it deep, and between not just me and Cruz, but all of us.
But what had really happened? Nothing. We hadn’t even kissed.
It was three AM. I’d had one sip of alcohol four hours earlier and could have driven home. But I hadn’t. I’d set up my sleeping bag in the bed of the truck, curled into it, locked myself inside, and slept until the sun rose.
Now, I was ready to head home and nap. It was noon, but maybe I’d sleep straight through until tomorrow.
The girls’ tryouts had taken over all six fields this morning, and as we left, the guys were arriving. I wanted to avoid everyone, but of course I wasn’t able to rush out of there. I was the team captain for the second year in a row. Each of the head coaches of varsity, junior varsity, and the assistant coaches stopped me separately, apparently not realizing they were all asking me the same questions. They wanted my opinions on tryouts, evaluations on certain players, updates on the college recruitment process.
Couldn’t they see I had bags under my eyes?
I was cranky when I walked past the water coolers. My throat tightened when I realized dozens of guys were already here, lacing cleats and filling water bottles. I knew Cruz was around. As usual, it was a visceral thing. My body knew. Don’t ask me how. Of course, even with my brain’s protest, my eyes went right for him.
He was standing with his hands on his hips. Three guys were standing around him, but they weren’t his crew. And he seemed only half-engaged in the conversation. As soon as I spotted him, he must have felt it because he turned and looked right at me.
I tried to keep my expression blank, but had a feeling everything I’d felt was written all over. I didn’t have the energy to play it cool. So I glared, slapped high fives to a few guys as I passed, and fist-bumped Bodhi, all without breaking eye contact with Cruz. I wouldn’t let him mind-fuck me again. Or break my heart.
“You hangin’ again tonight, cuz?” Emmett asked, blocking my path.
I shot him a glare too. One that said, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
He waggled his eyebrows. “We’ll pick you up at eight. Go take a nap. You look like crap.”
I almost growled. Instead, I punched him in the arm and he howled like a baby. Then I drove home, took a shower, and climbed into bed.
When Dad woke me up, I was disoriented.
“Sweetie, you’ve been asleep for five hours. Come on down and eat dinner.” He poked his head in my door. “I got Chinese.”
“Crab wontons?” I asked, my voice scratchy.
“Of course.”
I grumbled as I swung my legs out of bed and shoved slippers on my feet.
Dad and I lived in a townhome walking distance from downtown Defiance Falls. Dad couldn’t be bothered with yardwork, and we didn’t need much space for the two of us. A townhome made sense. Plus neither of us could cook, so we usually got takeout in town or walked to a restaurant.
Tonight, we were sitting on our back deck. “I’m going out tonight,” Dad told me. “You’ll be okay home alone?”
“Yeah Dad, I’m good.”
He always asked this, even though I’d been staying home alone regularly for years now. At first, Mimi and Pops came to stay with me, or I’d stay with them or my cousins. Usually when Dad went out of town, it was for work. When I was eleven and got the sex talk from my aunt, Dad finally admitted his overnight trips weren’t always for work but were sometimes for “female companionship.”
I didn’t ask which one it was tonight. I figured it was probably work. He was still disheveled from being in his work cave all day. His shirt was wrinkled, face unshaved. Dad’s work involved something with computers. I didn’t know what exactly, but he spent all day and night at his desk with multiple screens. When he wasn’t on work trips, he worked from home.
He was weird. And cool. If that was possible. Dad had only been seventeen when I was born. My mom’s family didn’t want her to keep me. But she was older than him, and since she was eighteen and Dad was sixteen when they’d conceived me, yeah… my dad and our family had some leverage. When my dad and grandparents explained this to me, they kept my mom mostly out of it. As if she hadn’t had a say and it had been her parents who hadn’t wanted their teenage daughter with a baby. I tried not to think about it too hard. Her family moved away after I was born; I wasn’t told anything else about them and I didn’t ask. All I knew was that my grandparents and my dad shared custody of me when I was born, and when my dad turned eighteen, he got full custody.
Dad has always been really good with computers. He dropped out of high school and did freelance computer programming so he could support us. Mimi and Pops were a big part of my life; the twins’ parents, Vanessa and Ian, were a constant too, though the twins were enough of a handful for them.
I was glad Dad went out to meet up with women; I actually wished he did it more often. Outside of his family, Dad kept to himself. He left the house every day for food and to go to his gym, a mixed martial arts place he could walk to in town. Otherwise, he had an overnight trip about once a week, either for “female companionship” or work. Oh, and he came to all my games and soccer tournaments. Which was so weird. He was thirty-four and got hit on by everyone – teachers, soccer moms, and recently, even some of my teammates. It was embarrassing for everyone involved.
“Have fun last night?” he asked.
I shrugged. “It was okay.”
Dad studied me. “Em texted me. Said you were the life of the party and only had a sip of whiskey.”
I almost choked on a bite of sweet and sour chicken. “What?”
Dad tried to hide a smile. “It’s Emmett. I figured it was half true.”
I took a sip of water. “Maybe a quarter true.”
“I’m now on a group text with the twins. They told me they’re taking you to the beach tonight.”
I let out a long sigh and swung my legs onto the empty chair beside me. “Yeah, no. Last night was enough for me.” Truth was, I hadn’t decided yet. I liked it. The uncertainty, the emotions, the excitement. The energy. Cruz.
But it was tiring as hell. And it hurt. I hated how the night ended. I didn’t want to put myself out there again. At the very least, I could use a week to recover. How did the guys do this every night?
“Gotta say, sweetie, that makes me happy to hear. Love those boys, and know you want to have some fun, but…”
I waited, curious where he was going. Dad ran his index finger over his lower lip, thinking.
He finally landed on “They can be trouble,” a vague summary.
Dad was like most fathers, I supposed. He trusted me but he could be overprotective. My aunt and uncle hadn’t had any control over the twins for years. They’d stopped making rules that would only be broken. At the end of the day, Bodhi and Em managed not to do much damage. At least, not much they were caught for. They’d been in fights, but we only knew because of the bruises and a broken nose that one time. The cops had never been involved. The liquor cabinet used to get raided, but now they found it somewhere else I guess. And they’d come home drunk, hungover, or not at all. But there had been a reluctant acceptance by everyone somewhere along the way. They still kicked ass at soccer, made it to all the practices, and that kept them in line. Enough. They even did decently in school.
So, sure, they were trouble. But Dad knew they’d look out for me, so he really didn’t need to worry.
“I didn’t say I’d never go out again, Dad. I might.”
Before Dad co
uld reply, we heard the doorbell ring from in the house.
“You locked it?” I wondered before glancing at my phone. It was eight, and I guessed Bodhi had been serious about picking me up tonight. But the twins usually came right in.
“Don’t think so,” Dad said with a frown. He went inside, and I reached for the last wonton. I was still in nap clothes, and I hoped the twins didn’t get pushy. It had been forever since I’d hit up the beach at night, but it was a thirty-minute drive to the shore. I wasn’t really up for it.
After a minute, I got up to see what was going on, and I found Cruz Donovan standing in our doorway.
Chapter Six
Dad stood in one of his “Dad” poses. I called it that because most of the time, he was too young to pull off looking like the father of a teenager. He did this thing when he wanted to be taken seriously as an authority figure. He made a wider stance, crossed his arms, and jutted his chin. In my case, the chin tip was down. With Cruz, he couldn’t do that. They were both over six feet tall.
I’d seen him take this stance with every guy I’d dated, and really any boy who approached me at soccer tournaments or when my dad was around to witness it. Cruz was the first teenage boy who didn’t appear intimidated. Dad’s workout was fighting. He had full sleeves of tattoos. But I knew he was also a nerdy teddy bear who relied on his own parents and his older sister to help him with this parenting thing, and he lacked confidence when it came to certain aspects, like the girl-specific stuff.
I thought it was cute. Cruz, however, had his own little stance going on. He stood tall, shoulders back, eyes steady with my dad’s. They flickered over to me and he didn’t cower. Instead, he gave me a small smile. It wasn’t cocky. It was a simple “hello.” Then his eyes returned to Dad’s.
“Mr. Ross.”
Was this the first time one of them had spoken? Had they seriously been standing here like this for several minutes?
“Cruz.”
This was not like the other times a boy had picked me up for a date. Of course, in those cases Dad was prepared. But in this case, it wasn’t even a date. Dad knew I was going to hang out with my cousins. He knew the twins were friends with Cruz. This was a group thing. No stare-down or intimidation tactics required.
“Dad?” I stepped up next to him. He didn’t move back from the doorway. Nope. He ignored me.
“Do you know what you’re doing?” he asked Cruz.
It was a weird question. Yeah, Dad was a little weird sometimes but this question didn’t even make sense. Cruz showed no confusion about it. In fact, he seemed to understand perfectly.
He nodded. “I know.”
My eyes darted back and forth, but the air remained tense.
“You sure about this?” Dad asked.
Cruz nodded again, no hesitation. “I’m sure.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. “Um, okay. Right.” I stepped in front of Dad. “Cruz, what are you doing here?”
“I’m here to get you.”
I noticed the motorcycle parked by the sidewalk behind him. I thought there might be a car with my cousins and the others in it.
“Why?”
“We’re meeting everyone at the beach. I thought Bodhi said to be ready at eight.”
I narrowed my eyes, pursed my lips, and did my own little stance, jutting a hip out. “I didn’t say yes. I’m staying in tonight.”
I said that, but I didn’t want to stay in anymore. Heat was flowing through me. That buzz was fluttering low in my belly. I didn’t understand what had happened between Dad and Cruz, and that had thrown me off. It was confusing, but somehow, it hadn’t surprised me. At least, Cruz remaining calm and cool through it hadn’t been surprising. As usual, everything he did got me all hot and bothered.
“You sure?” Cruz asked.
“We going on that?” I nodded to his motorcycle. I didn’t know much about motorcycles, but this one was a Ducati. Not too big, not too small, black, shiny, and sleek. Dad was still behind us, and I wondered what he would think about the ride.
Apparently, Cruz did too. “Up to your dad.” His eyes moved behind me. “I’ve been riding for two years. I’ve got an extra helmet.”
I figured Dad would say no way. “That’s up to Hazel.”
“I’ll go change.”
“Wear pants,” Cruz said as I turned to pass by Dad.
I heard Dad lecturing Cruz as I jogged upstairs. No drinking. Helmets. Speed limit. If anything happened to me… Yada yada.
My hands shook as I peeled off my cami and sleep shorts and picked out a bikini. I slid black jeans over it, added high tops and a tee shirt. Did I need a jacket? Where would I put it? Whatever.
I grabbed a hoodie and jogged back down. This time, Dad was turned, facing me. He looked… concerned? I wasn’t sure how he looked because I wasn’t familiar with this expression.
“Sorry I’m leaving you with dinner clean-up.” I went up on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “Love you.”
“Hazel.” Dad said my name in a tone that had me peering at him more closely. “Be smart, sweetie. I’ll be at work. Call Mimi or Pops if you need anything, or your aunt and uncle. Or me, I’ll answer if I can. Got it?”
“I know, Dad,” I said.
“Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
This all felt so serious. Why did everything that went on with Cruz feel so monumental anyway?
Cruz was waiting on his bike when I stepped outside.
“Do you think I need this?” I held up my hoodie.
He shook his head. “I have one for you.”
He had one for me? I still felt disoriented as Cruz secured a helmet on my head and instructed me in getting on behind him. This time, I knew the disorientation wasn’t from drinking or smoking. No, it was simply Cruz himself, and everything that came with him. He wasn’t a boy anymore, and it had little to do with turning eighteen. As my hands went around his waist, I felt the firm planes underneath cotton. I longed to explore more, touch the ridges I’d seen on occasion when he’d taken a shirt off at practice. He pulled my arms tighter around him and I slid forward until my chest rested on his back.
A flood of heat washed over me right as he turned on the engine. I grinned into his shoulder. This was surreal. I didn’t know why Cruz was here without the others. I didn’t know a lot of things. And I didn’t care. Not at all. My hair flew out beneath the helmet as we turned off our residential street. He drove conservatively through downtown and I thought he’d pick it up when we hit the highway to the shore, but he kept it easy. Even going the speed limit on the highway was exhilarating.
I couldn’t stop the smile of wonder on my face. I couldn’t stop the coil in my belly that grew tighter with each acceleration. It all felt temporary. A fleeting moment I needed to memorize and cherish.
When Cruz pulled up to the beach parking lot I saw the guys playing volleyball in the disappearing sunlight. They’d had tryouts all afternoon, but like for me, tryouts weren’t too rigorous at this point. Besides, none of these guys were the type to lie around the beach, at least not for long.
Cruz parked and pulled off his helmet. I didn’t want to take mine off yet. I just needed a second. And I wanted to have some armor on when he turned around. I didn’t know if he’d felt an ounce of what I’d felt on that ride. If he hadn’t, it would hurt.
He glanced over his shoulder, held my gaze, and I knew. Oh yeah, he’d felt it. I melted into him further, relieved and softened by that knowledge.
One of the guys called out to us and I finally loosened my hands from his waist. He pulled off my helmet, our eyes remaining glued to each other. That shift I’d felt last night, it hadn’t been imagined.
When we hit the sand, I kicked off my sneakers and looked around. It was just the six of us. I’d assumed this would be another party.
“Just us?” I asked Cruz.
“Just us,” he confirmed.
Huh. Okay.
We sat on a log watching the four guys finish a set. The
n we redid the teams so Cruz, me and Spike were playing the twins and Moody.
This part of the beach was never crowded, and by the time it got dark, we were the only ones in sight. We kept playing, the moonlight just enough to keep the game alive. I’d stripped down to my bikini, not able to keep up in jeans.
When we were all slick with sweat, we headed to the ocean. Even in August, the water was cold. The rest of the guys had brought towels and once we’d dried off, Moody started a small fire. We gathered around, and I felt part of something bigger. There was no agenda, nowhere to be, no one to impress. I sat between Bodhi and Emmett, wrapped in a towel. Cruz returned from his motorcycle and sat across from us, on the other side of the fire. He watched me, then held up a black hoodie.
He didn’t say anything, and I knew he wanted me to move over to him if I wanted it. I’d rather watch him though, at least for a minute while my suit dried.
Spike said, “I talked to Ruby today.”
“Yeah?” Cruz shifted his attention to his friend.
“Said they headed to Boston tonight.”
“Sean and Branden too?”
Cruz nodded, eyes on the fire. My cousins shifted beside me. Moody perked up.
“You guys go,” Cruz said. “I’m going to stay here with Hazel.”
Emmett let out a soft curse and Bodhi sat up, leaning forward. “Dude.” He sounded serious, and he almost never sounded serious.
Cruz raised his eyes, looked straight at Bodhi. A long silence stretched. Then, everyone stood up. Everyone except for Cruz and me.
The other guys said their goodbyes to me, and shot Cruz weird nods. They were weird because they were a communication of sorts. One I definitely wasn’t part of. I could have put up a fight. Thrown a little tantrum about why everyone was acting odd. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to be part of this. Whatever it was. So I played along. For now.
They drove off in Moody’s 4Runner. Cruz and I were alone.
“They’re going to Boston?” I asked.
Cruz shook his head.