by Ali Dean
Or maybe I was just trying to distract myself from the image of Flynn Malone lying in bloody bath water.
My burger and fries arrived, but before I could take a bite, I felt it. The air got hotter, thicker, and awareness settled in the pit of my stomach. I glanced around and there he was, standing by the stairs, leaning against the railing. He’d showered and changed from tryouts. His hair was still damp, and he was dressed in dark jeans and a plain tee – this time, grey. I thought navy blue and black looked best on him, but he was still the best-looking guy I’d ever seen in grey too.
I waited for him to see me, but his eyes weren’t searching the room. Nope, they were fixated on the pretty girl singing. My eyes swung back and forth between them, and I realized he hadn’t come for me. Of course not; he didn’t even know I was here. As I watched him, his gaze unmoving, it dawned on me. Not only was he not here for me, he was here for another woman.
Chapter Eight
My heart sank and I spun back around to the bar, focusing on the plate in front of me. I didn’t taste a thing as I bit into my burger. Yes, I hurt. Yes, I was sad. But most of all, I was perplexed. I’d felt so certain there’d been something between us; hell, I’d even thought the whole group had accepted me on some significant level. I hadn’t imagined it.
But I’d always known that when it came to Cruz Donovan, I wasn’t the same rational, driven, level-headed girl I was about most everything else in my life. Maybe I was even more blind than I thought when it came to him. Maybe he hadn’t made a move out of respect to my cousins. Had he been waiting for me to make a move? Had I been a potential hookup that didn’t go the way he’d hoped?
I couldn’t do this. Not with him. Anyone but him. Maybe I shouldn’t go to Harvard if he’d be there. He made me feel like a silly, irrational girl. I hated feeling like that. It wasn’t me. I was independent, a badass, ran my own show, rocked my own world. I didn’t need his approval or his interest for any of that.
I hoped he’d be gone by the time I finished my meal and paid the bill, but after another ten minutes, I knew without looking he was still here. The band had taken a break, and I felt the awareness that only came with one guy.
I got up and walked toward the stairs, about to make my escape, when I heard his voice. “Hazel?”
I looked up and his eyes were wide in surprise. I swallowed, trying to ignore that he was talking to the singer I’d been girl-crushing on earlier.
“Hey, Cruz.”
He reached out, and I tensed when he grabbed my hand and pulled me close. “This is Ruby Firestone. She’s a sophomore at Harvard. Ruby, this is Hazel Ross.”
The name rang a bell but I was too flustered to make a connection. “You have an amazing voice.”
“Thanks. It’s great to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
My eyes widened. “You have?”
She laughed lightly and my eyes swung to Cruz, who had a little smile on his face. “Ruby has hung out with the guys before.”
I knew he meant my cousins, Spike and Moody, but it didn’t explain how she knew of me. Plenty of girls had hung out with them, I’m sure college girls included. But why would my name have come up?
“Right. Cool. Well, um, I’m headed out. Nice to meet you.” As I turned to leave I remembered that Cruz had my hand. And he wasn’t letting it go.
Instead, he squeezed it and pulled me to him.
“Can I come by after?” he asked softly.
After? After what? Why?
I didn’t know what to say. Seriously, part of me wanted to say no. Maybe he hadn’t come here for me, but it was my hand he was holding.
I shrugged, and he smiled, shaking his head before I could say what I was going to say.
“You always do that.”
“Do what?”
“Shrug.”
I shrugged again and he laughed. His laugh did something to me. Man, I had to get a grip on myself.
“I know what that shrug means, but I’m coming by anyway.”
“I was going to say sure.”
“I know.” He was still smiling when he let go of my hand.
I was in a daze on my way home, my usual state of being after an encounter with Cruz. I hardly noticed the car slowing beside me until I was nearly at my front door. Glancing over, I noted the tinted window of a shiny Lincoln Navigator was rolling down, and Sean Malone was looking at me.
“Hazel Ross.”
His grandfather had just died, what did I say?
“Sean,” I said in greeting, then looked over to see who was driving. “Branden.”
“What are you up to tonight?”
I swallowed, thinking it would be a bad idea to mention Cruz, but also needing to give him something. I was already thinking there was a follow-up to his question. “I’m meeting a friend.”
“Oh? What friend?”
I almost told him Louise, but felt silly lying. Instead, I blurted, “I’m sorry about your grandfather.”
Sean whipped his head to his cousin, the vehicle stopped, and he hopped out. “What did you say?”
I took a step back.
“Your grandfather, I’m sorry.”
Sean’s eyes were wild and his voice was low when he asked, “How do you know about that?”
Shoot. Of course, it wasn’t public yet. “I heard some guys talking about it at Patriot Taphouse.”
He took a step closer until we were inches apart. “Some guys?” he asked.
“I didn’t know them. They were sitting next to me at the bar. They were wearing scrubs. I assume they were at the hospital when… when it happened.”
Sean tilted his head to the side and stared at me. Several long seconds passed before he seemed to come to some decision.
“You should come with us tonight. We’re having a small thing at Branden’s older brother’s place. You remember Keegan? It’s to get our minds off it. Get out of the house, you know.” His voice was gentle, coaxing.
Now that he put it like that, it would be harder to turn him down.
“Get away from my girl, Malone.” Cruz’s voice was right there and I had to step to the side to see him coming up strong behind Sean.
Sean turned, looked at Cruz, then turned back to me. “This the friend you were talking about?”
I knew what was happening here. I didn’t really know why it was happening, but it pissed me off.
Still, I couldn’t point out that my plans tonight weren’t any of Sean’s business. Not a day after he discovered his grandfather had killed himself.
I was focused on Sean and his intentions instead of what Cruz had just said. My girl. My girl?
Okay, I was focused on that too.
When I shrugged, I couldn’t help darting my eyes over to Cruz. He smirked with the movement.
Sean shoved his hands in his pockets and asked me, “Your dad know?”
“My dad?”
Sean tilted his head to the side, considering me. He didn’t answer my question.
So I didn’t answer his. Instead, I asked another one. “Why does it matter if my dad knows? I’m almost eighteen. And why do you care?”
Sean’s eyes roamed over me again, then swung back to Cruz before returning to me. He chuckled. “You know who your dad works for, right?”
I almost shrugged. “He does something for your family. So does half of Defiance Falls. The Malones own half the businesses, schools, real estate.” I swung my hand out, gesturing to the town generally as if that would sum up what I meant. I didn’t need to go into details, not that I knew them anyway. “That doesn’t give you a right to tell me who I hang out with.”
Sean’s smile grew as I spoke, which made my heart rate pick up along with my temper. I wanted to keep ranting, but I stopped myself when I saw that he wanted me to keep going.
“Your naivety is cute, Hazel. And it’s more than half the town. Why don’t you come hang with us tonight so we can clue you in?”
Now I was the one chuckling, shaking my head. Who did
this kid think he was?
Cruz was moving, making his way around Sean, and I spotted movement from the driver’s seat out of the corner of my eye. Now my heart rate picked up for a different reason.
“Come on,” I said to Cruz, before he could make it worse. I reached out to grab his hand just as he was about to step into Sean’s space.
Sean smirked again and took a step back to the car. “You sure, Hazel? You’re picking the wrong side, sweetie.”
Anger flared at his use of my dad’s nickname for me. He couldn’t have known, but it still felt like he was mocking me.
“I’m not going anywhere with you. I hardly know you.”
Sean gave me a single nod, then his smirk vanished when his eyes turned to Cruz. Neither one of them said a word, but the air was heavy with silent communication as they glared at each other. Cruz’s hand tightened around mine, and I wondered if it was the only thing keeping him from punching Sean. Sean’s grandfather had just died tragically and unexpectedly, but that didn’t give him a free pass to stomp around acting macho and throwing cryptic threats.
Finally, Sean turned and got back in the passenger seat and we watched the Navigator drive away. Cruz pulled me up my front steps. When I unlocked the door and we stepped inside, Cruz looked around.
“Your dad’s not home yet?”
“Why’s everyone asking about my dad?”
Cruz moved into my space, forcing me to walk backward until the back of my knees hit the edge of the couch. When he put a hand under my knee and hoisted it up to his hip, I forgot what I had just asked. My entire body snapped to attention as his hand slid up the back of my thigh and pulled me to him.
He answered my question then, but it wasn’t what I wanted to know. “I want to know if we’re alone.”
I should have pushed him away and demanded answers, but I wanted him to kiss me too badly. “We’re alone.”
“Good.”
He leaned forward and cradled my face with his other hand, lifting my chin up to him. It hit me square in the chest every time he looked at me, but this close? A rubber band squeezed my heart.
His eyes drifted closed right before his lips brushed mine. Soft. So soft, it was like a feather. I parted my mouth, and he lightly nipped my lower lip before his tongue caressed it. I couldn’t help the tiny moan that escaped. Cruz hitched my leg higher and as my center rubbed his jean-clad thigh, my back arched.
The contact made me wild, a hot burning pulsing through my veins. Cruz’s tongue dipped in further, and my arms went around his neck, encouraging him. I parted my legs wider as I sucked his tongue, and he groaned.
I sensed Cruz had wanted this to be sweet, gentle, and slow. It was quickly turning into something else entirely. All thought had fled my brain, though I was mildly aware of a battle going on with Cruz. He wanted to shove me back onto the couch and rip off all my clothes just as badly as I wanted him to do it. Yet he was holding back, trying to keep this tame.
He should have known better.
Tame was impossible when it came to the two of us. It had always been like this. It was one of the reasons I figured we’d kept our distance from each throughout high school. We were all or nothing. Even standing on the opposite side of the hallway at school there’d been sparks. Now? Alone in my house, nothing but clothes between us? I wouldn’t be surprised if sparks were flying from the heat, setting the house on fire.
That didn’t happen though. A phone buzzed. We ignored it. It rang, and Cruz’s eyes blazed when he pulled away. Yes, I could see it there, the battle of wills. Or maybe he was just trying to decide whether to answer the phone. It stopped ringing, but then another one started up. This one was mine, coming from my purse that I’d tossed on the other side of the couch.
Cruz pulled away, and the absence of his body on mine made me ache.
“You should get it. Maybe it’s your dad.”
The mention of my dad had me cooling enough to gather my wits. I turned and leaned over to grab my purse, getting to my phone right before it went to voicemail. It was Emmett.
“Hey Em.” I hoped I didn’t sound as breathless as I felt.
“Hazel. Uncle Jeremy home?”
“Okay, this is getting weird. Why is everyone asking about Dad? No, he’s been gone since Tuesday night for work. He’s usually not away for more than a night or two so I bet he’ll be back soon.” As I was speaking, I felt Cruz palming my ass. I glanced behind me and he was eyeing my backside appreciatively, like he just couldn’t help himself from caressing it. I slapped his hand away, not able to handle what that was doing to me while speaking with my cousin.
“All right. You with Cruz?”
I swallowed at the question, which rolled off him so easily. “Um, yeah. He’s here. He just got here.”
“Can I talk to him?”
I handed Cruz the phone, and then I escaped.
First, I walked to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. Once I’d downed that, I walked upstairs to my bedroom and looked out the window. It overlooked our small backyard. On the other side of our fence was a bike path, and on the other side of that, a forest. My head was swimming, overwhelmed by Cruz Donovan. There was more pressing in there too; Ruby Firestone, Sean Malone, Dad’s whereabouts, but I couldn’t be bothered with any of it. Cruz’s lips had been on mine, and it had felt, well… it had felt exactly like I’d remembered.
Our first kiss had been under the oak tree at the Lake, in the spring of eighth grade. It had been wet and sloppy, overeager. We’d practiced a lot after that, every chance we got that summer. Cruz loved kissing. There was some over-the-clothes groping, rubbing, but mostly, we’d kissed. My dad didn’t let me date back then, so he didn’t know about the kissing. Well, he probably suspected something was going on, but it’s not like I could invite Cruz up to my bedroom whenever I wanted.
As if reading my thoughts, I heard Cruz say from the doorway, “You know, I’ve never been up here before.”
I turned around, my fingers clutching the windowsill behind me. “Yeah, I was just thinking that.” I wasn’t ready to invite him in, either. Not when I knew what happened as soon as his body touched mine. I’d lose my head, and I needed it right now. “But my dad should be home any minute. He’s never actually said no boys in my room, but that’s because I’ve never put him in that position.”
My words seemed to have the opposite effect on Cruz than I’d intended. He took two steps forward until he was inside, but he left the door open. “You’ve never put him in that position?” He sounded happy about the possible implication.
“Dad’s never had many rules for me because he hasn’t needed to. I like it that way. It works for us.” I thought I’d made parenting a teenage girl relatively easy on my dad. I knew when it came to the sex stuff, that would be tough for him, so I didn’t do things like bring boys home. After all, Dad conceived me at sixteen, so that made things especially awkward.
“He hasn’t needed to? If I recall, he didn’t let you date until you were sixteen.”
His reference to our past made my chest squeeze, the rubber band sensation returning. “If you recall,” I echoed his matter-of-fact words, “I grew these,” I referenced to my sizeable chest, “at age eleven. Dad was protecting me from the predators.”
It sounded like a joke, but it really wasn’t. I remembered the attention I got from boys much older than me at soccer camps and tournaments. If Dad hadn’t laid down the law, the situation would have been much more confusing. Waiting until I was sixteen was actually helpful in warding off unwanted or misunderstood interest.
Cruz held up his hands in surrender. “I only ever touched them over your clothes. I was a perfect gentleman.”
I laughed; I couldn’t help it. I loved that he was joking about memories that had always felt so lonely. I never knew if he thought about it at all, if it was just a blur or if he had memorized the details, each caress, like I did. If he remembered the over-the-shirt boob-fondling, that gave me hope.
It looke
d like Cruz wanted to say more, wanted to come closer, but he shoved his hands in his pockets.
“Come on, we have to go.”
“What? We?”
“Yeah, the guys are waiting.”
I liked that they were including me again, on whatever they were doing. I still loved those guys, even if I hadn’t been part of their team the past few years. But I wasn’t quite ready to break the spell with Cruz.
I moved away from the window until I was right in front of Cruz. “You called me your girl to Sean. Did you mean it or was there another reason you said it?”
He didn’t hesitate. Not even for a second. “I meant it. You might not have realized this, Hazel, but you’ve been my girl since our first kiss.” His words caught me and I almost stumbled backward with the force of them. There was a flicker of something else though in his eyes, despite the conviction in his voice. It looked a little like guilt, like he was holding something back. Still, I felt the words that he had said, those were true. Cruz had no reason to lie to me, and they’d come out so easily for him, straightforward, like it was simple, the way of the world.
Maybe he’d known it to be that way all along, but I hadn’t. Or had I? Maybe somewhere deep inside me, I had known.
Taking a deep breath, I said, “Well then, one more kiss before we meet the gang.”
Chapter Nine
I could get used to this. Riding on the back of Cruz’s bike felt almost as good as scoring a goal in overtime. It was a rush. Satisfying like nothing else. And also, fleeting. Why did everything with Cruz seem temporary but also frighteningly permanent? I couldn’t help but be right there in the moment whenever he was near. All logic fled. Any reason to put up my guard or analyze things crumbled. I just wanted to be with him, experience him, as if I knew it might be my last time. But like he’d said, I’d kind of always had the sensation that I belonged to him. That he was mine, etched into my soul no matter how rarely we actually spoke to one another. I’d thought I was maybe a little crazy, imagining it. Despite what he’d said in my bedroom, and how he’d sealed it with a kiss and all that, I still had the feeling this was too good to be true and it would come crashing down.