“Come on, sweetheart… I want you so badly….” He crooned into his wife’s soft, pale ear, while his body moved next to hers, slowly mimicking the actions he was desperate to carry out.
Julie didn’t reply this time, but her breathing sounded louder to him, faster. Her fingers on his back pressed with a certain desperation into his skin.
After several deep, mind-losing kisses, he eased the silk chemise up to her waist. Cupped her buttocks with one hand. And slid inside.
Their moans collided. The bedcovers tumbled to the floor. And for once, no one was on either side of the bed. Only in the middle.
JULIE HAD ACHED SO BADLY for Russell to make love to her. She hadn’t had the strength to deny her need or his. Now, though, with passion sated, she worried.
“What if you didn’t withdraw in time?” He’d cut the line very, very close.
Expecting Russell’s reassurance, she was surprised when he replied, “Would it be so awful if you became pregnant?”
Of all the things he might have said, that was the worst. “You promised you’d be careful!”
“I did try. I’m sorry if I…” He moved away from her a few inches. “Hell, Julie, it’s just been so long.”
That was true, but it wasn’t their carelessness, per se, that had her so upset. “How could you even say it wouldn’t be awful if I became pregnant? Russell, we talked about this before we were married. We both agreed. One child. One child only.”
“Yeah, we agreed. But we didn’t sign a blood oath.”
“Are you telling me you’ve changed your mind? Because I’ve got to tell you, your timing is pretty terrible. How can you even think about another child when Ben is still recovering?”
Russell’s sigh revealed exasperation. “What does Ben’s accident have to do with this?”
“Well, how would he feel if we told him we were going to have another child after all these years of having only him?” God, Russell was usually more understanding than this. She hated having to spell out her thoughts. “Don’t you worry he might feel like damaged goods? That we were trying to replace him?”
Furious at Russell for starting this, at herself for saying something that hurt to think, let alone utter, Julie swaddled her soiled nightgown and hurled it at the closet door.
“That’s crazy, Julie. Ben wouldn’t react like that.”
But his tone lacked conviction as he stared at the discarded piece of peach fabric, obviously taken aback. She didn’t often put on a display of temper. Already she felt slightly foolish for doing so now.
“If you had only gone for that vasectomy…”
Russell crossed his arms over his chest. “You could have had your tubes tied.”
Julie resisted the urge to carry on with the argument. They’d discussed both these options in that first year after Ben’s birth. Their respective physicians, however, had counseled against such drastic action at their ages, which had been midtwenties then.
“Russell, isn’t Ben enough?”
Her reasons for wanting just one child had been different at the beginning of their marriage. Then, she’d thought that since both she and Russell were pretty intense about their careers, they’d only have time for the one child. Besides, she’d never wanted a loud, noisy household. She didn’t cope well with disorganization or chaos. One child would be all she could handle.
After Ben had been born, she’d been even more certain her decision had been the right one for her. Her love for Ben was so overpowering she couldn’t imagine feeling as intensely for a second child.
“Julie, of course Ben is enough. All I said was, if you accidentally became pregnant, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.”
“Maybe that’s what you said, but what did you mean?”
“Hell, Julie. Let’s not argue. Okay? I mean, what are the odds that you’re pregnant? Next to nil, right? I promise, next time I’m in Yorkton I’ll pick up some protection. This won’t happen again. Now—” his voice softened “—come over here and let me hold you.”
Russell pulled her close and she allowed her body to mold against his. They hadn’t slept this way in months, and it felt so good and right.
Still, she couldn’t fall asleep. Not because she truly worried about being pregnant.
But because Russell wouldn’t mind if she was. It made her wonder if secretly he wanted another child. Maybe even more.
She reflected back on the days when they’d been dating. The first time the subject of children had come up, who had been first to say only one? She herself. She was almost positive. At the time Russell had seemed in full agreement.
Only, what if he’d acquiesced just to make her happy?
JULIE WAS UP AND DRESSED early the next morning. She put on coffee, then went back into the bedroom to make the bed while Russell showered.
He came out with a towel at his waist. She noted his big, capable hands, broad shoulders, strong back. All dripping wet. Long ago she’d given up lecturing him about drying off in the bathroom. For some reason, her husband preferred to air-dry. She sat on the edge of the bed as he brushed his hair.
“You know, Russell, another baby wouldn’t solve the problems between us.”
His hand froze as he was choosing between two button-down plaid shirts.
“Is that why you think I wanted to make love last night? God, Julie. It must have taken all night for you to think that one up.”
He was right about one thing. She had stayed up most of the night. And it seemed to her that her question pretty much distilled the issue between them. “Well, there must be some reason the prospect of another baby is so appealing to you.”
“Appealing? I just said—”
“Ten years ago you were fine with the idea of only one child.”
“And I still am!”
“Mom? Dad?” Ben knocked on the bedroom door, then opened it, looking confused. Still in his pajamas, he cuddled Skip against his chest. “What’s the matter?”
They never raised their voices at each other. Blaming herself for starting this discussion while Ben was awake, Julie went to put a reassuring hand on her son’s shoulder.
“Nothing’s wrong, buddy. Are you ready for breakfast? Do you want me to fry you an egg?”
“But—” Ben glanced at his father.
Russell managed to deliver a reassuring smile. “I’ll be right out, son. Julie, would you put eggs on for me, too?”
“Sure.”
Observing this last exchange between his parents appeared to finally reassure Ben. He followed his mother obediently to the kitchen, where she cut him some grapefruit, then made eggs and toast.
Breakfast awaited by the time Russell finished dressing and joined them. He poured himself coffee, then caught her round the waist and kissed the top of her head.
Making peace. That was so like Russell.
Julie served him his eggs and toast, attempting to quell what had become, for her, a growing anxiety. She knew Russell went out of his way to make her happy. Up until now she hadn’t considered very often whether she made him happy.
She’d bet anything he did want more children. Looking back on their years together, she could suddenly pinpoint a dozen signs she’d chosen to ignore at the time. Despite their physician’s advice, she’d been ready to go ahead and have the surgery to make further pregnancies impossible.
Russell had begged her to hold off for a few years. Just in case. She’d assumed he was thinking of something catastrophic, as the doctors had discussed: death, divorce or disease.
She’d never allowed herself to consider he might be hoping she’d change her mind about more children. But he must have been. And she hadn’t known. Just as she’d never guessed he secretly wanted to live in a small town like Chatsworth. Or that he could be happy teaching in an elementary school rather than at a university.
“Dad,” Ben asked, “where’s my bike?”
Julie glanced down at her plate, biting her lip. She’d shown Ben, two days ago, where she’d put his bike in the gara
ge. He hadn’t ridden it since, so how could he have forgotten so soon?
“I think it’s in the garage,” Russell said patiently.
“Oh, yeah. Right.” Ben didn’t seem bothered that he hadn’t remembered this. “I was wondering if after school I could go riding with some guys from school.”
Julie tensed. “Riding? Where?” Russell had spent an afternoon with him, helping him relearn his skills on the bike. But was he ready to go out on his own?
“I don’t know, Mom. Just around town.”
“You need to be more specific than that, Ben.”
“Oh, Mom!”
Russell intervened. “Just stay within town limits and you should be fine. Now, hurry and brush your teeth, Ben. If my students do roll call and I’m not there, I’ll get a late slip.”
“You can’t get a late slip, Dad! You’re the teacher!” Giggling at the idea, Ben disappeared down the hall.
Alone in the kitchen with Russell, Julie didn’t know what to say. How could he be so blasé about the prospect of his nine-year-old son, still recovering from a serious brain injury, riding around town on his bike, unsupervised? One bad fall—
She couldn’t stand to contemplate it. So she jumped up and started clearing dishes to the sink.
“What are your plans for this morning, Julie?”
“First I’ll jog down Willow Road, to the clubhouse and back. Then put a second coat on the door and windows. And start on that decorating advice column Suzanne assigned me.”
“The computer’s working okay? The fax and the scanner and everything?”
“I haven’t needed to use the scanner yet, but yesterday Suzanne sent a fax and it came through perfectly.”
“Well, that’s great. Sounds like you have a busy day. Don’t worry about lunch. I’ll make Ben and me some sandwiches.”
“Fine.” She guessed Russell meant to be considerate. How he made her feel, however, was unneeded.
BEN WAS PRETTY QUIET on the walk to school, which was fine by Russell. He felt buffeted by Julie’s tirade that morning. How had one little comment on his part erupted into such a big deal between them?
He hadn’t meant anything by it. Simply that becoming pregnant wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen to them.
Only, Julie had chosen to read all sorts of stuff into his one little sentence. That he wasn’t happy. That he wanted more children. Even that there was something wrong with their marriage.
The day was bright and clear and warm again. As Russell and Ben turned the corner, the brick school came into view. Kids were spilling off a yellow school bus parked out front.
“There’s Craig! See you later, Dad!” Ben ran the remaining block with his awkward gait, waving as he tried catch his new friend’s attention.
Alone, Russell faced his feelings more honestly.
Julie was at least partially right. Something was wrong with their marriage. Sometimes the problem seemed buried, almost imaginary. At other times, like last night and this morning, he could almost picture Julie packing her bags and leaving him.
As for having more children—well, Russell had trained himself not to think about that. He’d known Julie’s opinion when he’d married her. And since she was the one who had to be pregnant for nine months and go through the delivery…he’d let her think his preference was also to have just the one child.
But he’d longed for more children, starting shortly after Ben’s first birthday. Even more intensely since Ben’s accident. Not because he wanted to replace Ben—that was insane. Simply because life seemed so fragile to him now. Hence, so precious.
“You look deep in thought.”
Startled to find Heather right beside him, Russell put out a hand. “Sorry. Should have been watching where I was going.”
“But you make such a cute absentminded professor.” Heather’s dimples cut into her cheeks as she smiled. “What were you so focused on?”
“Just considering the science curriculum for the day. Trying to decide if we should jump right into the theory of relativity, or slip out into the school yard to collect leaves.”
“Oh, I vote for leaves. In fact, why don’t we take our classes out together?”
Russell snapped his fingers. “You know, that’s the best idea I’ve heard all morning. Let’s wait until after lunch. The kids all tend to doze then, anyway.”
THE GRADE FOUR AND FIVE students fanned out over the playground, eager to collect the best, the most perfect leaves. Only a few were tinged with yellow and gold this early in the season, but the children had been encouraged to collect a sample of both green and yellow so they could discuss the ways a tree prepares for winter.
Russell and Heather hung back from the kids at first, letting them enjoy the unexpected pleasure of running out of doors when they’d expected to be stuck behind a desk.
“All too soon these golden days will be gone. We usually get our first snow before Halloween,” Heather said.
“I remember.” Trick-or-treating in mitts and a winter jacket. Lying in wait around corners, in order to fling snowballs at his buddies.
“I’m glad you suggested we do this. It’s really a perfect day, isn’t it? Warm sun on our backs, blue sky, the joyful laughter of children.”
“Hard to believe anything bad could happen on a day like this,” Russell agreed. Happiness, like a beautiful summer afternoon, was something he couldn’t take for granted anymore. Probably he never would.
One of Russell’s students ran over with a question. Heather ambled toward the big poplar tree to give a leg up to a couple of the children. Fifteen minutes passed before the two adults found themselves with a few minutes to chat again.
In the intervening time, Russell noticed that when she didn’t think anyone was watching her, Heather looked pretty sad.
“These past few years haven’t been easy for you,” he noted. “How have you coped?” He couldn’t imagine losing Julie in such a gruesome, horrific way. How did a person ever get over the anger? The bitterness?
And yet, Heather didn’t seem bitter.
“You want to know my biggest regret?” She arranged her collection of leaves like a handful of playing cards.
He plucked one of the leaves, then raised his eyebrows as if he’d chosen just the card he needed. “Tell me.”
“That we didn’t have children. That I wasn’t even pregnant. We’d only decided to start trying. If Nick had to die, why couldn’t it have happened just a few months later?” She let go of the leaves, watched them flutter to the ground.
“I’m sorry.” He remembered some of the talks they’d had in the past. Back when they’d felt that at eighteen and sixteen years of age, they were already far more mature than their parents. They’d dreamed of getting married. Of starting a family.
I want lots of kids, Heather had said. Lots and lots of kids.
“You’re the only person I’ve ever admitted this to, Russ. But the truth is, I’m sadder about the kids I missed out on than I am about Nick.”
“You’re still young, Heather. You’ll make a great mother one day.”
He could tell right away he’d said the wrong thing. Her expression hardened and she backed away.
“We’d better get these kids into class or there won’t be time to press the leaves before the bell.”
“Right.” He let out a whistle that could be heard over the entire school yard. As the children gathered, he kept part of his attention on Heather. At one point he was sure he saw her brush away a tear.
Something was obviously wrong.
What?
CHAPTER NINE
SHE HADN’T INTENDED to become a regular. But somehow the café drew her. Friday morning Julie showered after her run, dressed casually in a sleeveless pullover, black pants and mules, then took Skip for a walk to Main Street. Not that Skip did any walking. Julie cuddled the baby feline next to her chest and crooned to her all the way.
The summer weather continued and Julie had to admit the unpretentious little
town looked just fine against the clear blue September sky. She walked up Teal Avenue to Main Street. With the café door propped open, Julie could smell the bacon half a block away.
Taking her last cholesterol-free breath, Julie ducked inside. She was surprised how many people she recognized in her first glance around. Adrienne, with the cloud of red hair, perched on the closest stool to the door. She squealed with delight at seeing Skip and immediately held out her hands.
“Oh, look at my baby! She’s grown so much! Does your son like her?”
“He adores her. She sleeps with him every night. He named her Skip.” Julie shrugged apologetically.
“Skip! Did he think she was a dog?”
“No, but we’d like to buy one.”
Next to Adrienne sat the handsome man from the hardware store—T. J. Colins—his baseball cap on the counter next to his mug of coffee.
“Drove by your house last night. The new paint works wonders for that old house,” he said.
“Thanks. I’m glad you talked me into using the premium brand. It covered in just two coats.”
Farther down the line sat the grizzly old coot who owned the tiny grocery store. Lucky. Julie had already been in several times and she nodded at him politely.
It was nine-thirty, half an hour before the official opening of business on Main Street, and the local proprietors were loading up on caffeine and Jim’s high-fat blueberry muffins.
Julie settled on a stool between Adrienne and T.J., and Donna poured her a cup of coffee.
“You say you want a dog?”
“Well, Ben and Russell do. And if we’re going to do it, I think it’s better now, while Skip is still a baby.”
“That’s a smart plan,” Lucky agreed. “Cats can get pretty territorial.”
“Farmer over there—” Donna indicated one of the back booths “says he’s got a litter of pups. Mother’s a collie, but the daddy was a neighbor’s mutt. Won’t be small dogs—I’ll tell you that for sure.”
Julie almost laughed, remembering Russell’s comment and her reply about a country eBay. She should have known it was no joke.
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