The fourth time Russell had to pry the soggy ball from Watson’s clenched jaw, he grumbled, “Someone needs to teach this dog that when you fetch, you need to give the ball back.”
Julie drew her sweater across her chest, noting the chilling air. “Maybe I should take him for a walk while you run Ben’s bath.”
“Aw, Mom! It’s still early!” Ben smacked his fist into his glove, then leaned forward as his father tossed him an easy pitch.
“Good catch, son!” Russell turned to his wife. “If you don’t mind, Jule, I’d like to take Watson on his walk tonight. I need the exercise.”
So did Julie. She’d missed her run this morning. But she simply shrugged. “Well, sure. If you want to. But it looks to me like you’re already getting your exercise.”
Ben had thrown the ball wide, and Watson made a spectacular midair catch. Russell lunged to cut the dog off before he reached the bushes, and ended up on the ground, tussling with the puppy.
Ben laughed. “Atta boy, Watson!”
“Just who are you cheering for?” Russell asked through teeth clenched as tightly as Watson’s. Finally he gave up. “You win! Ben, do we have another ball?”
“Maybe this would be a good time to quit,” Julie suggested.
Predictably Ben howled, and Julie glanced at her husband, hoping he would volunteer to supervise Ben’s bedtime instead of taking Watson for a walk. Russell had more patience for Ben’s moods and would probably have him laughing again before long.
But Russell either hadn’t seen her beseeching look or chose to ignore it.
“Hit the shower, buddy,” he said. “I’ll put these gloves away. Watson? Want to go for a walk?”
The puppy, no dummy, knew exactly what he was being offered. He began to bark and run in circles. The only way to quiet him now was to snap on that leash. Julie ran inside and snatched it from the hook by the back door. Then she tossed the length of leather to Russell.
“I was thinking of walking down to the beach,” he told her. “I may be a while.”
Even in the twilight, she could see frown lines deepening on his forehead. Since their move, she hadn’t seen much of that frown. What was up?
“Is anything wrong?”
He purposefully blanked out his expression. “What could be wrong?”
“You look…I don’t know…stressed.”
“Jule, have I ever told you that you worry too much?”
About a million times. She let the subject drop, hoping she’d imagined the anxiety on his face. After all, what problem could he possibly have encountered in this sleepy town? He loved his work, so she knew it couldn’t be that. And it wasn’t stress about Ben. She had the market cornered on that subject.
“Take a jacket, Russell. It’s getting cold.”
AS RUSSELL STEPPED OUT onto the front street, the town of Chatsworth seemed to draw around him with a warmth more substantial than that offered by the denim jacket Julie had tossed to him moments earlier.
Watson strained on his leash and led with his nose, from one bush to another. Russell let the pup have some freedom, switching the leash from one hand to the other to avoid getting tangled in the line as the dog darted from one enticing scent to another.
Despite a lingering guilt at having left Julie to cope with an ill-tempered Ben and not telling her the whole truth about this walk, Russell felt a certain lightening of his spirit. With each step he felt he shed another year.
He could remember countless nights like this one as a boy, then later as a teenager. Walking the streets, feeling that he owned the place, secure in this safe town that had been his universe until he’d left for university when he was nineteen.
That had been his one daring move. Most of his contemporaries had stayed in the province and attended schools in Regina or Saskatoon, as Heather had done. But for some reason, he’d decided on UBC. And set in motion the events that would eventually lead him to Julie.
Nothing in his life had prepared him for that moment. Certainly not the simple love he’d felt for Heather during their time together. Everything about Julie had been so complicated, so intoxicating, so overwhelming. He still couldn’t believe a woman like her—so poised, so talented, so together—had settled for a simple guy like him.
When they’d exchanged their wedding vows, he’d also made a silent promise to himself that Julie would never regret having married him. I’m going to make her happy.
Looking back, he could see how maybe he’d bent over a little too far at times to satisfy his wife. Whatever she wanted, he’d pretended to want, too. Not that he’d lied, not really. But she had so many definite ideas. And he didn’t. The only thing he felt passionately about was being with her.
And he’d made her happy—at least, he thought he had in the beginning, anyway. The past few years, some of the compromises he’d made had begun to eat at him. Then Ben’s accident had sent everything in their life crazily out of balance.
He’d let Julie down big time then. Standing in the hospital room, watching their son, unconscious and foreign on the narrow, sterile bed, he’d seen her hurting and hadn’t known how to reach out to her.
Touching hadn’t worked. Neither had assurances that everything would be okay. Their son was a fighter. He would survive. Russell had truly believed this from the start, but Julie saw the situation differently.
Even now that Ben had begun to recover, Julie’s wounds remained unhealed. Sometimes he still caught that raw look of fear in her eyes. Ben’s accident had unnerved her and she was scared.
Of course, at odd moments he felt it, too. The terror of living in a world where anything was possible—both good and horrible. One minute he’d been driving home from the harbor, anticipating a nice cup of coffee and a chance to read the paper. Then, with the ringing of a cell phone, he’d changed course for the hospital, uncertain if his son was dead or alive.
Yes, he felt the terror. But he was a man. His job was to be strong and to protect. That was why, when he’d seen his family floundering in the aftermath of the accident, he’d thought of Chatsworth. The perfect haven.
The town had been on his mind a lot anyway. Vancouver was beautiful, but the big towers and traffic, the never-ending flow of people and conversation, had begun to wear him down. He hadn’t even realized what was wrong with him at first.
Everything crystallized after Ben’s accident. He’d brought his family here, hoping to give them the sense of security they needed. And it had worked—for Ben, at least.
Julie was another matter. She didn’t complain, but she was definitely out of her element in this small town. As for their relationship…well, this situation with Heather wasn’t helping. Something was definitely off-kilter. Tonight he planned to find out what the problem was. And hopefully fix it.
In the dying light, Russell followed Willow Road, leaving the small town behind. A beckoning glow from the golf clubhouse lured him onward, although the golf course itself was now closed for the season. One by one he passed the three ball diamonds that lined the road, then the outdoor pool, enclosed in chain-link fence and padlocked until spring.
He passed the public boat launch, then the boarded-up concession stand, where townspeople bought ice cream and soft drinks on hot summer days.
Moonbeams undulated sleepily on the still surface of the lake. Russell could smell the water now, and hear the waves lapping against the wooden dock that stretched a good twenty feet out into the water.
In the summer, kids played here. The timid ones sat on the edge, dangling feet to test the water. The wild ones ran up and down the wooden length, even though adults cautioned them to walk. And the brave ones cannonballed into the water with warlike shrieks of triumph.
He’d been one of the cannonballers, he recalled. If Julie had grown up here, he was willing to bet she’d have been the toe-dipping type.
But Julie hadn’t grown up in Chatsworth. And she wasn’t here now. Heather was.
His petite ex-girlfriend sat on the edge of the dock,
the moonlight turning her red hair to gold.
Russell slipped off his shoes and socks and left them in the sand, next to her sandals. Gently he guided Watson with him onto the dock. “Have you been waiting long?”
“I drove down around seven and watched the sun set. It was beautiful, made me wonder why I don’t do this more often.”
Her sadness was heavy in her eyes tonight. Maybe she didn’t come here that often because she had no one to come here with. He walked the length of the dock, keeping Watson’s leash short. Despite the curious surroundings, the tired pup seemed happy to rest when Russell finally stopped.
“You look eighteen with your hair like that. Maybe even sixteen.”
Her unruly strands were held back in a high ponytail. Her outfit also contributed to the impression of youth. She had her jeans rolled up to her knees, and a thick sweatshirt on top.
“Sometimes I wish I could be sixteen again.”
She’d been his girlfriend when she was sixteen. God, but he’d known Heather a long, long time.
“Tell me what really happened that year you took off from university.” He’d planned on circling the subject and gradually working up to it, but the question just burst out. When she didn’t answer right away, he added, “I know how eager you were to become a teacher. It was all you talked about that summer.”
The last summer they’d been together. Before he’d met Julie.
“Sit down, Russell. I can’t speak with you looming over me like an angry schoolmaster.”
Did he seem angry? If so, it was only at himself. He eased onto the slightly damp wood and let his legs dangle over the edge of the dock like hers. The water wasn’t as cold as he’d expected.
He heard Heather draw a deep breath. “I started my third year in university that September, but I’d dropped out by November.”
“Why?” He prayed for an answer different from what he feared.
“I was pregnant.”
HE’D JUST BEEN REFLECTING how the world could change on a dime. This was one of those times. Russell planted his hands on the dock behind him and leaned back.
Purposefully he recollected the last time he’d made love with Heather. It had been late August, a week before he’d left to start grad school. The summer after her second year.
The math worked.
“The baby was mine?”
“Yes.”
Oh, man. “How did it happen? I thought you were on the pill.”
“I was on the pill, Russ, back when we were dating. But you and I hadn’t been together for a while, and there wasn’t anyone else in my life. So I stopped.”
Russell glanced over the water. Town lights twinkled on the other side, only a mile away. One of those lights was his house. Yet he felt a world away from Julie and Ben right now. “I wish I had known that.”
He’d like to believe he would have been smart enough not to have sex if she’d told him. But would he have been?
“I realize I should have said something. But I was pretty sure you didn’t have any…other protection on you.”
He hadn’t. She’d been right about that.
“And I wanted one last time with you.”
How could she have known that would be the last time they’d make love? He hadn’t. Their relationship had been a series of endings and new beginnings over the course of his years at UBC.
And yet, something about that night had been different, he acknowledged. Maybe they’d both realized, on some level, that they’d reached a watershed in their relationship.
Heather sighed, and the sound transported him to a time when her breath had mingled with his. He remembered red hair pressed to his cheek, tight blue jeans, Bruce Springsteen on the radio.
They’d been in the back seat of his car, which could have been tacky and awful, but somehow with Heather and him had only ever been wonderful, if a little uncomfortable, even funny, at times.
They’d dated steadily when he was in grade twelve. But been realistic when it was time for him to leave to go to university. “I don’t expect you to spend your weekends alone,” he’d said. “Just as I don’t plan to, either. I love you, Heather, but we’re young.”
She’d agreed. She’d said she wanted to date other people, too. They could keep in touch, though. And maybe when they were home in the summers…
That particular summer, they’d both been busy with jobs, earning money for the next year of university. He’d been on shift work at the potash mine in Esterhazy. She’d been in charge of a day camp for children. They’d barely seen each other, until that night before he had to leave for Vancouver.
“I wanted you so badly, Russell. I was stupid, I guess, somehow not willing to believe that just one time without protection could really make me pregnant.”
Ah, yes, the invincibility of youth. Russell could understand how she’d felt, even as he wished she’d told him the truth. She’d taken fate in her hands that night. And later, suffered the consequences on her own.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?” He tried to keep the blame from his voice. After all, she must have been terribly upset, scared, confused.
“I didn’t know for sure until mid October. I told myself that the next time I heard from you I’d break the news.”
But he’d met Julie in September of that year. And he hadn’t called Heather. Or even written. Now Russell pressed a hand to his forehead. “I was a thoughtless jerk.”
She didn’t dispute it. “Then I decided I would tell you in person, at Christmas.”
Only, he hadn’t gone home that year. Julie’s parents had invited him to spend the holiday with them, and he’d been only too happy to take the opportunity for more time with Julie.
“I heard you had a new girlfriend, but by then I was already pretty angry,” Heather confessed. “My parents knew you were the father, but no one else in Chatsworth even realized I was pregnant. I didn’t start showing until I was five months along, and after that I didn’t come home again until…later.”
She must have felt so alone. “What did you do?”
“Well, I’d already dropped out of university. I just couldn’t focus. I took a job at a Dairy Queen in Saskatoon, close to where I had an apartment. My mom and dad came to be with me when I had the baby….”
She hung her head, her shoulders tight. “I never even saw him.”
Him. A boy, then.
He thought of Julie and him together at prenatal classes, then during Ben’s birth. The joy, the fear, the total intensity of becoming parents had brought them to tears as their new baby lay swaddled in Julie’s arms.
For Heather the experience had been nothing like that. No partner to offer reassurance and love. Only the pain of childbirth, followed by the agony of separation.
“You gave him up for adoption?”
“Yes.” Julie’s voice was fierce now. “It was the best option for me and the baby. I knew he’d be placed in a good home. The father was a doctor. The mother had been trying for five years to have a baby.”
“Hell.” He should have been part of that decision. Why hadn’t he called Heather or at least written to tell her about Julie? Even though they’d parted with the understanding that they’d both date other people, it would have been the decent thing to do—even if Heather hadn’t been pregnant.
Truthfully, he couldn’t remember even thinking about Heather after he’d met Julie. Which was hardly an excuse. She’d been his girlfriend—more important, his friend.
But if he’d been in the wrong, well, so had she. Hell, she should have told him.
Now the truth hit him with full force.
He had another son in this world. A little boy who would be older than Ben; he’d be…twelve.
“Have you ever tried to get in touch with the child?”
“I’ve been tempted about a million times. Especially after Nick…” She drew her feet up from the water, then sank her face into her knees. Russell put an arm around her shoulders and felt her shivering.
<
br /> “You’re cold.”
“No. I’m just…upset.”
Anyway, he slipped off his jacket and wrapped it around her.
“The adoption was arranged through the hospital. I’d need special permission to try to find him now. Later, when he’s an adult, I can put my name in a registry and if he wants to, he’ll be able to contact me…us now that you know,” she added tentatively.
Us. He and Heather were parents. Oh, not in the traditional sense. But still, it was a bond that went far beyond the one he’d thought they shared.
He had another son….
Thoughts ran in circles in his mind. Shock, probably. Until he’d had time to process this new information, he’d do well to be careful about what he said. And yet he couldn’t stop himself from asking, “And that’s enough for you?”
“It has to be,” she replied, stiffening and pulling away from him. “If there’s one mistake I’m determined not to make, it’s this. I’m not going to upset that child’s life just to make myself feel better. I gave him up and I have to assume he’s happy. If he isn’t, maybe he’ll come looking for me. And if he does, I’ll be there for him. In any way I can.”
Russell could see the logic in that. And the unselfish caring behind the logic. “Heather, you’re one hell of a strong woman.”
She said only what he deserved to hear.
“Well, I’ve had to be, haven’t I?”
CHAPTER TWELVE
“JULIE? HONEY? WHAT ARE YOU doing out here?”
Startled, Julie awoke in an instant. She was outside on the back deck, sprawled on the lounge chair in its fully reclined position, mummified in her sweater and an old quilt. The sound of the lapping water must have lulled her to sleep.
“What time is it?” She unwrapped the quilt enough so she could sit up.
“Past ten. Almost eleven,” Russell admitted. He still wore his denim jacket and his hair was windblown. She smelled the outdoors on him, the mustiness of lake water and sweat.
She’d been waiting for him, worried. “That must have been a hell of a walk.”
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