by Anastasia,P.
“Kathera?” He kissed the hollow of my throat.
Yes. I wanted him.
Didn’t I?
His chest felt so good against mine and my fingers wanted to stay nestled in his soft hair. Maybe I did want to be his.
Yes. I did.
I wanted to taste him. Breathe him in. Be his. Be all of his.
All I had to do was give in… and let him take me.
Take me?
Wait…
What was I thinking?
I froze.
A breath caught in my lungs.
My mind cleared.
No.
I struggled to regain my wits as my body throbbed with an urge to become part of him—to literally let him in.
But I wasn’t ready for this.
“I can’t.” My voice was shaky from the adrenaline. “I-I can’t do this, Derek.” His grip loosened almost instantly and I slid off to his side, recoiling a few inches away from him on the bed. I was shocked at how quickly he had let me go, but I think he was deathly afraid of doing anything that could make me fear him.
“Kathera.” He used his free hand to wipe sweat from his forehead. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Derek rolled over toward me and touched my quivering face. His eyes widened with concern and he shook his head. “I wasn’t going to make you do anything you weren’t comfortable with. Please, believe me. I’m sorry. I just—”
“It’s okay.” Thoughts were hard to gather with my head still spinning. My insides were quaking and unsatisfied that we had stopped. God, I wanted him so much it made me feel unfulfilled and angry at myself. No. My body wanted him, but I wasn’t ready to give him the one thing I’d tried so hard to keep.
“I… want to wait. Please.” I stumbled over my words though I knew what I needed to say. “I… want to wait until I’m married.” My face felt hot. The request shouldn’t have been such an embarrassing thing to tell him, but it was. “I’m sorry I gave you the wrong impression.”
“No. No.” He shook his head and thoughtfully stretched his fingers out to slide the stray strap of my tank back onto my shoulder. “It’s my fault. I’m sorry that I would even assume anything from you. I couldn’t help it, Kathera. I—”
“I led you on and I apologize for it,” I said, looking away.
He hadn’t assumed anything. For a moment, I did want to have sex with him, and if my nagging conscience hadn’t been so strong, God knows I would have.
“I don’t want to do anything to push you away.” He rested a hand over mine.
“I’m not upset. Really,” I assured him softly.
I’d be lying if I tried to downplay Derek’s talents. He had me under a spell and I’d have been a fool to not covet such a capable lover. I just wasn’t ready for it all so quickly.
Maybe I should have spent the rest of the night alone.
That would have been the rational thing to do.
But, I thought that if I had left him just then, it only would have made things worse; it only would have hurt him more—trying to sleep while being tortured by the idea that he had done something wrong to me.
Derek had tried very hard to treat me the way he thought I had wanted to be treated. It wasn’t his fault that I had let my own inexperience get the best of me.
“Would you be upset if I wanted to stay with you tonight?” I scooted a little closer. “Please? Just… hold me close. If it’s a stupid thing of me to ask, I’ll—”
His arms wrapped around me again and he didn’t hesitate to pull me to him.
“Thank you,” I whispered, nuzzling his chest as my anxious heartbeat calmed.
He was quick to forgive.
He lay back and I cuddled up against his side. Pressed so close, my fingers unintentionally grazed over some of the scars on his chest. They were mostly small lines from cuts and scrapes he had likely gotten in his old fights. The swirling tribal dragon tattoos down each of his shoulders disguised most of them during the day, but right against his body I could feel them as sure as they graced his skin.
He had told me about the girl who had nearly gotten him killed—the one he had fought so hard to keep, only to discover that she had been cheating on him. The scar running down his side would be a constant reminder of his misjudgment. He had put his trust in the wrong girl back then; it had taken him years to get over, and I truly respected his decision to trust me now.
It had changed him greatly, though—his experiences. He had hurt many people including his parents, and he had been paying the price for most of his life, even after he had made the difficult decision to change.
I couldn’t imagine him with a dark streak. His touch was careful and reserved with me and, despite what had almost happened, I still felt secure in his arms. I knew he would keep me safe at any cost.
I rested my fingers on his skin. Scars had always fascinated me. Perhaps because each one holds a story only the bearer can really tell. They weren’t imperfections, they were embellishments.
One of Derek’s hands brushed a trail down my cheekbone. I smiled and knew he did the same. We had our differences and we had things we needed to sort out still, but there was no denying how good we felt in each other’s arms.
Morning came. Sunlight shone through the partially opened blinds and I blinked several times to adjust my eyes. My fingers uncurled from the edge of a soft blanket that had apparently been pulled over me as I had slept. I sat up and looked around the empty room.
Derek was gone, but my robe had been neatly laid out flat across the other side of the bed. There was a small note folded up next to it that read:
“Take it easy today. I went in early to get some things done. Forgive me for last night. You’re worth more to me than that.”
It was signed simply in a cursive “D.” There was a small, artistic heart scribbled beside his initial that made me chuckle. He was an artist, too, after all.
Our days and nights continued much like the first night we had ended up sleeping in the same bed together, only with him knowing exactly how far to take things and graciously accepting the consequences of his sacrifices. Derek listened to me and he respected my decision to save myself until marriage, but I sensed how excruciatingly difficult it was… sometimes for both of us. Maybe it was selfish of me to deny him the inevitable, but I couldn’t ignore the voice in my head that kept telling me to wait.
Still, he never hesitated to spend a portion of each night holding me close and pledging faithfulness to me with every kiss and earnest whisper. He was in love with me and not afraid to say it.
He had professed his feelings many times already and, to refrain from being insincere, I had explained my discomfort in returning the sentiment. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel the same way; I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I loved him in return until I was sure with all my heart and soul. My heart swore his embrace was meant to hold me, but my soul harbored unjustifiable doubts.
The knob squeaked as I twisted it and the water stopped running. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to wrap around my body. My wet feet formed shallow imprints in the bathroom rug as I wiped them back and forth a few times to dry them. I bent over, wrapped a second towel around my scraggly, damp hair, and then flipped the whole bundle back behind my shoulders.
It was quiet outside the bathroom door. Derek had left for the shop probably no more than twenty minutes ago and he would be back later in the night. I hadn’t been scheduled to work tonight, so the entire house was mine for the remainder of the evening. It felt nice to pry open a few windows and let in the fresh winter air. The days became dark earlier, and I tried to enjoy the sunlight while it was there, because it vanished all too quickly.
I slipped my arms through my soft t-shirt and pulled my jeans on. There was a chill in the air from the breeze, but I liked it. Nothing my dark-gray hoodie couldn’t stave off. I pulled open the top drawer of the large dresser in the guest room I usually stayed in a
nd slid out the folded-up hoodie. I shook it out and looked it over. There were a few wrinkles from storage, but it felt and smelled as comforting as ever.
I had barely finished tugging the sleeves down my wrists when I noticed it.
There… on the dresser.
A note.
And a small black velvet box.
I gasped without even considering what the note contained because I knew what the box did.
I stepped back, unsettled and afraid to open either of them.
My knees shook as I stretched a hand out to take up the note.
An elegant, soft yellow parchment envelope contained a matching paper note with hand-written cursive in black ink—the deliberately refined form of Derek’s handwriting.
My hands trembled as I lifted up the letter to read it.
FOREIGN FRUSTRATIONS tingled in my blood, imbuing me with the agony of another. My senses heightened and I felt a twinge deep down in the darkest regions of my soul.
She was torn and anxious. I could feel it in the marrow of my bones.
Why was I hearing her?
More importantly, why was I feeling her pain?
I had no choice but to follow my instincts back to the source—the very source that had caused a rift in the link between Ve’tani and me to begin with. I could not let it go unnoticed… but I struggled with the thought of endangering the life of the mortal I had grown so close to. Ve’tani had ordered me to kill her, and I had refused, but… I needed to see her again.
Kathera needed me.
The sun had barely begun to set, but I was aware of the risk and sacrifice it would take to leave just then. There were few clouds left in the sky and a brilliant violet hue stretched across the horizon with softening edges of sapphire and rose. It wouldn’t kill me to go, though the discomfort measured one notch above a cloudy evening and my eyes stung from over-stimulation. The rich saturation of the fading light was at the brink of intolerability, but it vanished quickly and relief melted through me as my skin cooled.
A light breeze carried a hint of Derek’s musky scent. It was distant; he had left many hours before I had arrived. More potent was the scent of intense sadness and doubt brought alive by a heavy rain of tears. I could smell them a dozen steps before she even knew I was there.
A distressed patter rose from the back yard of the house and I headed in the direction of the sound. It was silent all around us, aside from the heaving breaths she made; this part of town was quiet compared to the rest, and I could be at ease knowing that no one would see me.
I watched her from a distance.
Kathera sat on the third stair up on the back porch, hunched over, her face half-buried in her hands. Curly stray strands of wet, frizzy hair framed her face.
“I can’t,” she said, weakly, wheezing. She rocked back and forth and groaned. “I just can’t.”
“Can’t what?” I revealed myself and took a step toward the stairs.
She yelped.
Once she recognized me, her irises grew dark and ecstatic. She pushed to her feet and wiped her palms on the sides of her jeans.
“Matthaya!”
I backed away, surprised she seemed excited to see me.
“I’m not here for pleasure,” I warned stiffly. “What’s wrong?” The tension in her veins put even me on edge. There was a soft rustle of paper as Kathera slipped a small card from her pocket and offered it out to me with a shaking hand.
I took it from her as cautiously as she gave it to me and unfolded the note.
It read:
“Kathera:
I wake each morning knowing you are never far, but each moment I breathe without you in my arms makes my heart ache. I know that you want more from life than I have been able to give you in this friendship, and I don’t know how much better it will become—but I know that if we were to spend that life together, it would make me a better man. And as that man, I would sacrifice everything to make your hopes and dreams as real as possible.”
“It was next to this.” She uncurled her fingers to reveal a small, black jewelry box.
I recognized where this was going and tipped my head in understanding. There wasn’t a lot I could say.
“Why is this such a painful thing?” I asked. “You can’t tell me you haven’t taken pleasure in your share of nights with him.”
Even fresh from a shower, she could not mask the stench of their passion. She had tasted him willingly. It was on her breath. In her skin.
“I thought I was falling in love with him,” she started, staggering back toward the steps. “And then… this. Now I can’t stop having second thoughts. I can’t stop thinking I’ve made a mistake.”
“This happens often, Kathera.” I handed the note back to her and leaned down closer to where she sat. It was improper for me to stand over her while she sat on the porch stairs. “It doesn’t mean you aren’t in love with him. You’re simply frightened of the unknown.”
“It’s not fear,” she continued. “I thought it was going to work, but now… I don’t see him being the man I’m meant to marry.” Her fingers folded together in her lap and her head fell. “Yes, I’ve been happier since I began staying with him, but I’ve been having more dreams than ever.”
“Good ones?” I moved closer to her and then pulled back as I caught myself.
“Some good. Some bad.”
“The bad ones?”
“Suicide, again,” her voice broke. “But when I wake, the thoughts just linger in the back of my mind, haunting me throughout the day. I’ve even found myself dwelling on them. Wondering if they could become reality.”
Suicidal visions? Still? Why?
She shifted her weight on the step and looked back at me for a response.
“And the good ones?” I asked, changing the subject. “What about those?”
“I’m with you.” She smiled a thoughtful, serene grin I hadn’t seen cross her lips before. She looked off into the distance and sighed. “We’re sitting together in a meadow of flowers. Spring leaves rustle, the breeze whips through our hair, and things are different than they are now.” She chuckled. “There’s even a horse grazing nearby. I grew up in the city, Matthaya, I’ve never even seen a horse up close before. Can you believe that? And it’s so real. I can almost reach out and pet his bristly snout.” Her eyes met mine and she shook her head. “It’s such a beautiful place, too. I never want to leave. The sun is shining, the air is peaceful, and…”
“And?”
“You’re holding me in your arms and…”
I was charmed by how she described a fading memory of my past with uncanny detail.
“And?” I prompted a second time.
“And you’re happy.” Her eyes scanned my face for a reaction and then fixated affectionately on my gaze. “Matthaya… you’re genuinely happy in those dreams.”
I had been genuinely happy when I had been with Kathryn. Frightened of the future, but truly content despite the risks involved in spending time with her.
My stare broke away from Kathera’s and met the door behind her.
“I had a long, hard conversation with myself this afternoon,” she continued, “and I realized… that no matter what happens, I will never love Derek with the honesty and depth that he loves me. I just can’t, because I’m still in love with you.” She stood and I did the same. “Whether or not you do or even can feel the same, I am in love with you, Matthaya, and I can’t even explain why.”
“And what if I had never come into your life?”
“Then I would love no one and Derek would never have made it into my heart the way he has. Still…” She twiddled her fingers nervously.
My ears twitched.
“I can’t hurt him,” she added, pressing the folded note close to her chest and closing her eyes.
“You already have.” Derek stepped out of the back door and glared threateningly toward the both of us.
Kathera was startle
d from behind and nearly toppled off the staircase in surprise. She grabbed the banister to steady herself.
I had known for several minutes that he was coming, but there was no point delaying the inevitable. Derek had heard most of her last few sentences and was fuming. There was nothing I could do to change her state of mind and there was no use hiding what needed to eventually be said to him.
“What the hell is he doing here?” Derek’s nostrils flared and his lips wrinkled angrily as he came closer. “No, wait.” He turned to Kathera and stared at her judgmentally. “What the hell are you doing here with him?”
“Derek, I-I can explain.” Kathera took a step down from the porch as he approached her.
“I bet you can.”
An aura of dark energy radiated from him and he formed trembling fists with both hands.
“After all the screw-ups in my life, I was sure I wasn’t making a mistake with you, Kathera. Apparently, I was wrong about that, too. Everything I’ve done for you, and this is how you repay me? You’re still seeing him?” He turned toward me. “And you, you told me yourself that she was never yours. You walked away from her. You broke her heart and left me to put the pieces back together.”
The heavy pounding of his vengeful heart affected my equilibrium. My ears amplified the sound a thousand fold.
“Derek, please.” Kathera came between us. “Please, let me—”
“Stay out of this!” He grabbed her by the arm and jerked her back behind him.
She grimaced and withdrew. “Derek! What’s wrong with you? Why won’t you listen to me?”
He veered back at her. “Because one bitch in my life was enough.”
She gasped sharply.
“I sacrificed everything for you, Kathera! And you’re still in love with this guy?” Derek turned to face me. “Do you have any idea what I’ve had to deal with? Where the hell were you when she was crying in the middle of the night? Where were you when she was scared and afraid and needed someone?” He began breathing harder, fighting back the bitterness and pain shaping his face. “But here you are. I bandaged her up and now you’re here to take her back as if you never damaged her at all.”