by Sarah Tork
I left my house wearing the same clothes, jean shorts and a loose purple V-neck. Black sandals were another great choice; tonight our neighbors were watering their lawns and sprinkles fell on my toes. Water was medicine. It had the ability to calm me, even a few sprinkles.
My heart had broken this evening.
Shattered.
Because before Uncle Frank left, and because my window faced the front lawn, I saw something that left me feeling drained.
Hoping night would shield them from prying eyes, my uncle gave my dad an envelope. Judging from the hissy fit protest coming from Dad, I knew it had to be money. Yeah, he’d take a free pizza, a discount on a few shirts, but he’d return the favor with free auto repair work and discounted tires, and other car-related products. Getting money handouts brought reality to the spotlight, backhanding my dad’s pride… ruthlessly.
Their hissing stopped, but my heart began the process of splintering when Dad fell into his brother’s arms and began to cry.
He felt like a failure.
Just like I did.
My family needed money.
So why wasn’t I working?
Why wasn’t I contributing?
I had plenty of free time.
So why was I doing this to my family? Not making their lives easier, all because the selfishness in me desired otherwise?
My mom heard parts of their conversation and waited by our front door. After Uncle Frank and Winnie had left, she took Dad to their room and shut the door.
Hearing, seeing, experiencing my dad cry sent me down the unfamiliar path of mortification. Every part of me hurt, but it was my eyes that stung painfully, holding back tears despite the giant frog in my throat, wailing to escape. My thoughts spiraled like a tornado, swirling images of twenty-dollar bills and empty purses, and unpaid bills, and envelopes with IOU written over the top…. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I made an excuse about going to Annabelle’s house.
I needed air.
That’s it.
Annabelle was probably with James, so I went to Thompsons Park. Lying on grass and staring up at the night sky would be my medicine.
*~*~*
*JENNA*
The park was too busy for 8:00 p.m.
My plans to relax were decimated when park fun items flew over me, followed by their annoying owners, who needed to be in bed. And where were their freaking parents? It was Sunday night, and did it not occur to these “guardians” that kids needed at least eight hours of sleep?
Ridiculous.
As I burned in fury, my phone chimed with an incoming text.
Tom: Mad at me?
Jenna: Why would I be mad at you? Feeling guilty?
Tom: I do feel guilty. I left quickly yesterday. It came out of nowhere.
Jenna: It did. I’m trying to figure you out, Tom.
Tom: In a good way or bad?
Jenna: Haven’t decided yet. When you left like you did yesterday, I felt weird, like someone kicked me in the stomach. I never want to feel like that again.
Tom: What do you mean?
Jenna: I have so much on my mind right now. And my life can’t revolve around this relationship. I have too many things to worry about. Something’s got to give, or else I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I can’t worry about you potentially walking out with secrets weighing heavily on your mind while I sit in the background wondering if it’s something I did. And there’s my family’s situation, school stuff, swim team stuff, getting into university, getting a scholarship, maybe having to get a job…. I can’t do all of this.
Tom: You mean you can’t do all that and be with me?
Jenna: I don’t know.
Tom: Then don’t.
Jenna: Don’t what?
Tom: Don’t don’t.
Jenna: Speak English.
Tom: Can I see you?
Jenna: I’m not happy right now. Wouldn’t be the best company.
Tom: You’re always good company.
Jenna: I feel horrible right now.
Tom: Let me see you and I’ll make you feel better.
Jenna: I doubt you could. This pain won’t go away for a while.
Tom: I’m coming to your house right now.
Jenna: Wait, what???
Tom: Getting in my car now and I’m driving to your house.
Jenna: No, wait. Rush much? I’m not home.
Tom: Where are you then?
Jenna: Thompsons Park.
He didn’t text back.
Feeling tense, I dropped my phone in the grass. Tom driving over here was not part of the plan. I came here to relax; how could I with him trying to suck every ounce of energy from me? Part of me wanted to run and turn off my phone so he couldn’t find me. But I stayed put, enjoying a newly quiet park; or at least where I was lying had suddenly gone quiet.
Weird.
I looked up, finding kids being ushered into minivans along with their families, leaving me and a few other adults to enjoy what we came here for.
“Hey, night sky, it’s your girl Jenna here.” My eyes stung, looking at stars scattered amongst darkness that I craved to be sucked into. “Is anyone home up there? I could use some help.”
A star sparkled brighter and it was a sign, helping my body relax past the frustration and the misery, letting my subconscious know everything would be all right… eventually.
“It’ll be okay,” I whispered, reminding myself that the universe was bigger than my problems.
“And I’ll be okay,” I whispered, reminding myself that the universe, despite my conflicts, would set things into perspective again.
“And Dad, Mom, Robby, and Annabelle, they’ll be okay too,” I whispered, reminding myself that life wasn’t one door waiting to be opened. There were many and it’s up to us all to find the strength, the will, the power, and the discipline to keep going, opening doors even when we doubted ourselves the most. Because we could, and no matter how bad things got, we just needed to remind ourselves who we were.
“I’m Jenna Sabini.” I smiled, feeling a rush of relief.
Someone cleared their throat behind me. “Hey.”
Startled, I looked up and it was… “Tom?”
“Hey.” He seemed shy, hiding his hands in his jean pockets, looking down at me.
He was upside down.
“Come chill beside me,” I murmured. He lounged down next to me with no hesitation.
“What are you looking at, silly?” he asked. I could feel his breath as I faced him. His blue eyes were sad.
“Something beautiful.” I smiled timidly.
“Something beautiful,” he repeated breathily. “Then we’re both looking at the same thing.”
The feels… sigh.
“Oh, and one more thing.” I pulled Tom’s arm around my waist and looked back up at the sky, instantly lost among a sea of stars and darkness, bringing along someone I’d recently come to care about a lot. “Don’t forget about Tom, because he’ll be okay too. He’s stronger than he thinks.”
Tom hid his face in my shoulder, and because it was quiet in the park tonight, right now, I heard him breathe faster. So I pulled him in closer, hoping my warmth helped with whatever demon he dealt with privately. His arm tightened around my waist.
“Do you care about me?” I whispered.
“Of course I do.” He sighed, looking up, revealing blue eyes rimmed red with streaks of tears down his face.
My heart raced. I’d never seen a guy cry genuinely before. I caressed wetness along his jaw and made a decision. “I won’t ask why you’re sad, not if you don’t want me to.”
“I’ll explain everything.” Tom kissed my shoulder. He leaned up and brushed his lips alongside my jawline. “Just not right now. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, it’s okay,” I whispered, tightening my grip on his hand. “I guess we all have issues we’re trying to overcome.”
Tom sighed. “You have no idea.”
*~*~*
*JENNA*
&n
bsp; Tom drove me home, parking in front of my neighbor’s house. He pulled me over the gearshift and hugged me. “Another eventful night?”
Memories from the last hour flashed before me. Lying side by side was to become a ritual when our hearts raced past saving and our minds filled with anxiety. Silence, along with simply just being there for one another, helped more than either of us could have imagined. At least, that was how I felt.
His arms tightened around me as I inhaled his fresh linen-and-grass scent, while my nose caressed his soft heated skin. My belly stirred, bubbling nervously. It felt good holding him like this. The hug would end eventually, but it would be extended.
“Yes, it has.” I kissed his neck slowly, softly brushing my lips upwards to where his lips awaited, eager and tempting. I wanted to kiss him. So I did.
When kissing turned into face groping, it was my cue to pull away. Like I said, your girl right here wasn’t about that quick acting life. I liked kissing and hugging him, but other—other stuff needed some time to get to. Hopefully he’d understand, but so far so good. Brushing my lips one last time against the corner of his mouth, I sat back in my seat.
“Ready to break up with me yet?” Tom chuckled, the corner of his lips quirking.
“Not yet.” Breathing relief out, I leaned back and stared at the steering wheel in the darkness. “Ready to break up with me?”
He scoffed, shaking his head and looking at me like the idea was crazy.
Warm feelings everywhere, my fingers entwined tightly as my stomach fluttered again. “You flatter me, Mr. Colleto.” I breathed slowly as he placed his hand on mine. Unclasping, I held his hand with both of mine.
Tom’s blue eyes softened. “I’m just telling you how I feel.”
“I like it when you tell me how you feel,” I confessed, tightening my hold, loving his hand strength. Must have been from playing baseball for so many years.
Looking nervous now, his chest rose in and out. “I want you to know something.”
It was my turn to get nervous, my heart racing. “Oh, yeah, what’s that?”
He gulped and I swore I felt something close to electricity.
“You’re what I want,” he declared and my breathing hitched.
“Well.” I gulped. “That’s….”
He chuckled awkwardly. “I know… it’s cheesy, right?”
“No!” I shook my head vehemently, worried he felt embarrassed. “It wasn’t cheesy.”
“It wasn’t?” he asked timidly.
“No, it wasn’t cheesy,” I insisted and picked up his hand, brushing my lips over his thumb. “Tom Colleto, what are you doing to me?”
“I’m just a guy, slowly falling deeper and deeper with a girl who’s been nothing short of amazing. And a little crazy too, but I like that. It makes you… you.” He chuckled a little, took a deep breath and continued. “I respect you, Jenna.”
I was stunned beyond imagination; there was no class or magazine article that could have ever prepared me for how I felt. Keeping myself from crying like a girly girl was physically hurting me.
“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” I whispered.
“And it won’t be the last either.” Tom grinned, giving me a curt nod.
I snorted. “All right, now that was cheesy.”
My boyfriend bursts out laughing. “Thought I could go two for two, but… no bueno, huh?”
“No bueno… darling.” I leaned over the gearshift and kissed his cheek. “See you tomorrow, handsome.”
“Can’t wait.” He grinned, showing me his pretty teeth.
I peeled myself out of the car and crossed the lawn. My porch lights turned on and I quickly waved Tom to hurry up and drive away before my parents noticed me home and a random car by our house. Telling my parents about Tom would happen eventually, but like I told him before, I wanted a bit more time and this whole not getting a scholarship thing to pass and for life to return to normal.
I waved bye for the millionth time as he drove down the street. Old Jenna was cringing in disgust, but new Jenna was high-fiving herself for allowing this to happen without feeling like she was changing too much.
The kitchen lights were off. So were the family room lights. It was 10:00 p.m. exactly and my parents were still in their bedroom. Maybe they were sleeping, or maybe they were still talking about what happened earlier. I wondered if Dad had told Mom about taking money from Uncle Frank? He probably did. He knew better than to keep it from her. She’d find out sooner rather than later and give him a mental whooping about not being honest.
My homework was done, so I changed into gray cotton sleep shorts with the matching shirt and crawled in my bed with my phone. Missed text messages called me, but before I could open them there was a knock on my door.
“Jenna?” Mom opened my door and ducked her head inside. “You’re home.”
“I’m home, Mom.”
“I heard someone come in; I got worried for a second.”
“I’m sorry, I thought you guys were sleeping.”
Mom came in and sat on my bed. “Your dad just fell asleep.”
“He okay?” I asked.
She gave me the mom “everything will be all right” nod. “Of course he’s okay. Why do you ask?”
Her eyes narrowed, filled with questions. I was faced with a dilemma. This was their business; it was also kind of mine, but still… I felt like if I told her what I’d seen, she and Dad would get embarrassed.
So I did what any responsible empathetic daughter would have: I pretended I saw nothing. “No reason. Can’t a girl just ask how her daddy is doing?”
“Of course she can. She can also ask about her poor neglected mommy too.”
I smiled apologetically. “Forgive me, how are you doing tonight?”
She sighed and glanced at my windows, looking like she wanted to delve deep into a topic she’d yet to discuss with me. Then that logical, mom protecting her kids at whatever cost instinct took over. She faced me and smiled like nothing was wrong. “I’m your mom, I’m a beast. As long as my kids are healthy and happy, I’m okay.”
“Hey, what about Dad?”
“What about him?” She got off my bed and headed out. “As long as he doesn’t gas up my bedroom in the early morning, I’m A-OK. Life is good.”
Laughter banished the awkwardness. My room felt warm and cozy despite the air conditioner, all thanks to the reassurance of my mother.
All hail Queen Sabini!
I exhaled deeply and suppressed further laughter, glancing at my mom standing in my doorframe. “Love you, Momma.”
“Love you, swim star.” Mom smiled. “Night.”
“Night.”
CHAPTER 13
*JENNA*
Monday November 12, 2012
The bell rang a few minutes ago for lunch, but I was still in class discussing an upcoming project with my teacher. The hallway was near empty by the time I made it to my locker. I grabbed a few things and slammed it closed. Keeping my eyes down, I turned and bumped roughly into someone. Feeling a faint pain in my upper chest, I grimaced and looked up, finding Stacey Two up in my grill.
I held a hand to my startled heart and stepped back. “Woah, close much?”
She had two layers of fake eyelashes on, which usually made her look sleepy, but right now her eyes were fully open, alert to the max.
She seemed petrified, and for that reason only, along with my pity, I gave her a few seconds to apologize. Ten seconds passed, and the only thing I could conclude was that her IQ must have been below seventy-five. Clearly there wasn’t going to be an apology. What I’d bet money on was her mouthing off to me about getting out of her way so she could race to the cafeteria and snag a diet cola before they were all sold out.
But she didn’t.
In fact, by her deer-in-headlights expression, one might have thought she had something serious to tell me. Whatever it was, it didn’t feel right. The sketch factor was hitting the roof.
“She
wants me to fight you for him!” she blurted.
What the hell?
I grimaced, unsure if humoring her and delving deeper into what she had to say was the right decision. Curiosity won. I needed to know what the hell was going on.
Literally.
“Who? For who?” I asked a heavily breathing Stacey Two as she stood in the middle of the hallway looking like she was about to pass out from nerves.
“Latisha wants me to fight you for Tom in the cafeteria!” she confessed in one quick squeaky breath.
Excuse me?
What?
My jaw dropped. “No… way.”
Maybe she was lying to me? Maybe it was a plan, a scheme, or a revenge plot? Something wasn’t right. I felt it in my bones.
Without blinking, she nodded. “Yep, I’m so not lying.”
“Why are you telling me this? Aren’t you like Latisha’s BFF?” I narrowed my eyes at her, never having felt this amount of confusion before.
Never.
Stacey Two shoved her thumb in the direction of the cafeteria. “She wants me to fight you in front of everyone, for a stupid boy,” she screeched.
I raised my eyebrows and gave her a dirty look. “That stupid boy is my boyfriend. Only I’m allowed to call him stupid.”