— USA TODAY
A
man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clears his throat, and announces, “Not guilty.”
The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?”
— LAWRENCE ADELSON
M
y father was a guard at San Quentin, and we lived on the prison grounds. Occasionally, inmates came by and helped with yard work. One day Mom lost the keys to the shed. A man who was mowing the lawn offered to help. Picking up a hammer, he gave the lock two sharp taps, and it magically opened. “Wow,” said Mom. “How did you do that so quickly?”
Handing back the hammer, the prisoner said, “Ma’am, I’m not in this place for nothing.”
— LANE BECKER
A
murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor. The detective asks, “Sir, did you kill her with that golf club?”
“Yes. Yes, I did,” says the man, stifling a sob.
“How many times did you hit her?”
“I don’t know. Five… maybe six… Put me down for a five.”
— BRIAN HANSEN
A
small town’s sheriff was also its lone veterinarian. One night the phone rang and his wife answered.
“Let me speak to your husband!” a voice demanded.
“Do you require his services as a sheriff or a vet?” the wife asked.
“Both,” cried the caller. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”
— FROM THE (SEARCY, ARKANSAS) DAILY CITIZEN; LINDA WALLER
A survey sent out to our contractors posed the question, “What motivates you to come to work every day?”
One guy answered, “Probation officer.”
— E. HEWITT
S
uspicious person: Officer made contact with a man walking backward down a street. When asked, the man told the officer he did not want anyone sneaking up on him.
— FROM THE (SEARCY, ARKANSAS) DAILY CITIZEN; LINDA WALLER
A
n attorney I worked with at a personal-injury law firm deeply resented the term ambulance chaser.
“It’s not right to call us that,” he told me. “Besides, we usually get there before the ambulances do.”
— BRIAN MAYER
S
tanley R. Zegel was rear-ended while stopped for a red light.
Police were told by the driver of the offending car that he had been distracted looking at a paper for the address of the nearby court-ordered driving-improvement course he was on his way to attend.
— FROM THE WINFIELD (ILLINOIS) REGISTER; JOANNE AHER
G
oing with a prisoner to the local hospital to have blood work done was too much for me: I fainted as the needle was inserted into his arm. I was out for only a second, but it was long enough for the inmate to become concerned for my well-being.
“You know,” he said, “if you take these cuffs off me, I can drive us back to prison.”
— JOY DAY
My mom had a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.
“I have never been stopped like this before,” she said to the officer.
“What do they usually do, ma’am,” he asked, “shoot the tires out?”
— JOAN TORELLO
I
nmates at our Ohio prison are allowed to shine shoes in order to make a few extra bucks. One day I was having my shoes shined when the prisoner began to complain.
“Here I am with a degree, and I have to resort to shining shoes,” he grumbled.
“What kind of degree do you have?” I asked.
Without looking up: “First degree.”
— STEVEN RAY
A
lawyer was playing golf when he got hit by a ball. When the player came over looking for the ball, the lawyer said, “I’m a lawyer, and this will cost you $5,000.”
“I’m sorry,” said the golfer. “But I did say ‘fore.’”
“I’ll take it,” said the lawyer.
O
ur waitress’s favorite customers are cops. “When they’re done,” she says, “I get to give them their ticket and they have to pay it before they can leave.”
— PHILLIP TILLEY
A
police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”
— MICHAEL KNIGGE
P
art of my job at the district attorney’s office is to send letters to people accused of crimes, informing them when a court date is scheduled. One such notice was returned, clearly by a criminal mastermind, with this jotted on the envelope: “I DO NOT LIVE HERE.”
— CASSIE GALINDO
A
friend was reading the front page of the newspaper when she asked, “What part of the body is the melee?”
“A melee isn’t a part of the body,” I said.
“I didn’t think so, but it’s right here in the paper.”
“How’s it used?”
“It says, ‘A police officer was injured in the melee.’ ”
— JASON CORNWELL
W
hen a seven-year-old girl called 911 and then hung up, the Burnett, Wisconsin, police were dispatched to her home. When they arrived, they discovered the problem—the girl’s grandfather was cheating in a game of cards.
— ANANOVA NEWS
I
was the court stenographer the day a teenager, who’d been in drug rehab, came before the judge. He told the court how he was gradually overcoming his addiction. The judge was impressed. “Well done,” he said. “Let’s hope you end the year on a high.”
— PHILIP HORTON
Did you hear they arrested the devil?
Yeah, they got him on possession.
— GREGG SIEGEL
A
n old-school cop and I were leaving the precinct when a couple of teens flashed peace signs at us. “Great,” he muttered. “Now they’re giving us two fingers.”
— CAROLYN ANDREWS
W
hile prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: “Did you see the defendant at the scene?”
“Yes, from a block away,” the officer answered.
“Was the area well lit?”
“No. It was pretty dark.”
“Then how could you identify the defendant?” I asked, concerned.
Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, “I’d recognize my cousin anywhere.”
— MORRISON LEWIS, JR.
L
ike many attorneys, I have handwriting that’s barely legible. After I scribbled instructions for one of my clients, he spent a minute trying to decipher what I’d written before declaring, “If I took this to a pharmacy, I bet I could have a prescription filled.”
— DARRELL F. SMITH
A
n attorney specializing in personal injury decided to branch out, so he added libel claims to his practice. He wanted to add insult to injury.
— SHARON BERKEY
P
otential jurors know that much of their time is spent simply cooling their heels. As the court attendant, I was doing my best to keep a jury pool of 75 happy while they waited to be called. After a full morning of doing nothing, however, one man suggested this:
“Open the blinds,” he commented, “and we could watch the seasons go by.”
— CAROL BECKLEY
I
was at my desk in the station house w
riting up a report on a drunk driver when our police chief yelled over, “Is your squad car running?” Budget cuts made him watch every penny, and he didn’t want us wasting gas.
“The engine’s off,” I assured him.
“You on overtime doing reports?” he persisted. “We’re not paying officers to sit around doing reports.”
That’s when the drunk offered his assistance. “Hey, Chief,” he slurred, “if it would help the department, I could drive myself to jail.”
— JED SEIDL
S
o what did the cop have to say to his stomach?
Nothing. He’s always been one to listen to his gut.
— A.J. GIORDANO
A
labama state troopers were closing in on a speeding car when it crossed into Georgia. Suddenly the officer behind the wheel slowed to a stop.
“What are you doing?” his partner asked. “We almost had him!”
“He just crossed over into the eastern time zone,” he said. “Now he’s a full hour ahead of us.”
— SCOTTIE BARRON
Family Fun
J
oe figured out a way to remember his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist and told him to send flowers to his wife on those dates, along with a note signed, “Your loving husband.” His wife was thrilled by the attention, and all was great until one anniversary. Joe came home, saw the bouquet, kissed his wife, and said, “Nice flowers. Where’d you get them?”
J
eff’s blind date with Suzanne was bad from the start—in short, they loathed each other. Fortunately, Jeff had asked his friend to call him so he’d have an excuse to leave if the date wasn’t going well.
When his friend called, Jeff pretended to be in shock. “I have to leave,” Jeff said to Suzanne. “My aunt just died.”
“Thank God,” Suzanne replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would’ve had to.”
— FROM LAUGH OFF BY BOB FENSTER (ANDREWS MCMEEL)
A
woman rubbed a lamp and out popped a genie. “Do I get three wishes?” she asked.
“Nope, I’m a one-wish genie. What will it be?”
“See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace.”
“They’ve been at war thousands of years. I’m not that good,” he said. “What else do you have?”
“Well, I’d love a good man. One who’s considerate, loves kids, likes to cook, and doesn’t watch sports all day.”
“Okay,” the genie said with a sigh. “Let me see that map again.”
— D. RICHARDS
M
y sister-in-law phoned to ask my opinion about a special pecan dish she had served at her daughter’s wedding reception. “What was that all about?” my husband asked after I hung up.
“It was just a recipe question,” I replied. “Do you remember the nuts they had at Arrah’s reception?”
He furrowed his brow for a moment, then said, “I don’t recall all their names.”
— DEBBIE STEPHENS
M
y husband is a car nut. That’s why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read, “The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!”
— CYNTHIA ADCOCK
W
atching a TV show on couples prompted me to ask my wife of 60 years, “If you had it to do over again, would you marry me?”
“You’ve asked me that before,” she answered.
“What’d you reply?”
She said, “I don’t remember.”
— MILTON LIBMAN
O
ur agency helps people figure out their marital woes. One man who came to us seemed to have solved his own problems even before he chatted with anyone. On the registration form, under marital status, he wrote, “Devoiced.”
— PATRICIA LANGFORD
A
drunk walked into a lounge. After staring at a beautiful woman who was sitting at the bar for 10 minutes, he sauntered over and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought you were my wife. You look just like her.”
“Ugh. Get away from me, you worthless, insufferable, no-good drunk!” she yelled.
“Wow,” he said. “You even sound like her.”
— NICK MCCONNACHIE
A
fter listening to her complain about her boyfriend, I tried steering my friend toward the positive side of their relationship. But she was having none of it.
“I was just trying to offer some perspective,” I said.
“I have perspective,” she snapped. “That’s what I was just sharing with you.”
— MARY ODBERT
I
was thrilled to see a beautiful bouquet of flowers awaiting me at the teachers lounge. But I was mystified by the card, which read, “With love from A. C. Credmire.”
That evening I told my husband about A. C. Credmire.
“That’s me,” he said, laughing. “When I called it in, I’d asked the florist to sign it, ‘With love from a secret admirer.’”
— GERI WILLES
S
urfing the Net, I came across a movie poster of a man and woman kissing passionately in the pouring rain. I called my husband over. “How come you never kiss me like that?”
He studied the sodden couple. “Because we haven’t had that much rain.”
— SERENA S.
I asked my husband if he wanted to renew our vows. He got so excited—he thought they had expired.
— RITA RUDNER ON COMIC RELIEF 2006 (HBO)
“H
oney, I have good news and bad news,” a man tells his wife.
“What is it?” she asks.
“First, I think I’m losing my voice,” he croaks.
“So,” his wife says, “what’s the bad news?”
— MINNIE MORETZ
W
hen we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. “That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’ ” he said. “And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for $798,000.”
— RON JAMES
W
hen a friend’s marriage began to unravel, my 12-year-old son offered, “I think the problem is largely psychological.”
“How so?” I asked.
“He’s psycho and she’s logical.”
— DEBORAH MOLER
F
resh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it.
“What are you complaining about?” he fires back.
“You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year.”
— L. B. WEINSTEIN
I
was passing a couple in the produce aisle and noticed the man fastening a twist tie on a bag of oranges. “Those are gorgeous,” I said. “Did you pick them out?”
“I don’t pick,” he replied. “I just hold the bag open.” As his wife stepped away, he muttered, “And sometimes I don’t even do that right.”
— DALE BOOTH
R
andy Pausch was a renowned computer science professor, but that didn’t carry much weight with his mother. After he got his PhD, she introduced him to friends by saying, “This is my son. He’s a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”
— TERRY GRAY
S
ervers at Disney World’s Cinderella Castle treat you like royalty—literally. After lunch our waiter asked, “Is there anything else My Lord wishes?”
“Yes,” I joked. “I’d like my wife to treat me like this at home.”
He bowed to my wife, Donna. “My Lord desires to be treated like a king in his castle. May I suggest a reply?”
“Su
re,” my wife said. “Tell him he’s spent a little too much time in Fantasyland.”
— TERRY GRAY
I suppose it speaks volumes about the state of my marriage when I admit to nodding knowingly at a remark made by a colleague. She was telling me about the death of another coworker’s spouse, when she commented,
“How sad. They’d been married only five years, so I imagine she still loved him.”
— JANET IVES
I
had obviously crossed some line while talking with my wife because suddenly she was steaming mad. Without coming right out and asking what I’d said wrong, I tried a Dr. Phil trick: "How could this conversation have gone better?"
She replied, “I could have had it with a different person.”
— ALAN SCHORY
P
urely by coincidence, I ran into my husband in our local grocery store on Valentine’s Day. Tom was carrying a beautiful pink azalea, and I joked, “That better be for me.”
From behind, a woman’s voice: “It is now.”
— PATRICIA RUT
M
y ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
— TERRY SANGSTER
A
man walks into the street and hails a passing taxi.
“Perfect timing,” he tells the driver. “You’re just like Frank.”
Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine: America's Funniest Jokes, Stories, and Cartoons Page 4