S
itting in a hospital waiting room, I watched a woman helping her son finish a crossword puzzle. “Mom,” he asked, “what fits here?”
“It’s man’s best friend,” she hinted.
The boy thought for a second then guessed, “Duct tape?”
— CAEL JACOBS
A
Dutchwoman explains her nation’s flag to an American friend. “It symbolizes our taxes,” she jokes. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our bill, and blue after we pay.”
“Same with us,” says the American. “Only we see stars, too.”
D
id you hear about the man who spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc, and Florence Nightingale? Apparently, he was a heroine addict.
T
eeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart. As my buddy reached for his wallet, he said to her, “You’re in great shape. You must work out a lot.”
Flattered, she gave him a big smile. “Thank you.”
The next day a different young woman was driving the cart. “Watch this,” I whispered. I walked up to her and said, “Wow, you must work out a lot.”
“Yeah,” she replied. “You should try it.”
— THOMAS OSBORNE
A
fter my wife and I had navigated through a website for 20 minutes, a talking image of a woman popped up to offer help. “At last,” my wife said, “a real person.”
— VINCENT PELOZA
Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
— ADAM RUDEBUSCH
T
wo buddies were watching the game when one turned to his friend and said, “You won’t believe it. All last night I kept dreaming of a horse and the number five. So I went to the track, put $500 on the fifth horse in the fifth race, and you won’t believe what happened.”
“Did he win?”
“Nah,” the guy said. “He came in fifth.”
— LUIS ANDRE
T
he knit cap my friend sent me from England was a bit small. But it was lovely, so I wore it to church that Sunday. Afterward, I e-mailed her to say how nice it looked on me. She shot me back a note saying how glad she was. “Especially,” she wrote, “since it’s a tea cozy.”
— JAMIE CARLSON
T
he gunslinger swaggered into the saloon. He looked to his left. “Everybody on that side of the room is a lily-livered, yellow-bellied coward,” he shouted.
He looked to his right. “Everybody on this side is a flabby, dim-witted saddle tramp.” No one dared challenge him.
Satisfied, he was ordering his drink at the bar when he heard the sound of hurried footsteps.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he yelled at the little guy who’d stopped in his tracks.
“Sorry,” the man said. “I was on the wrong side of the room.”
— GEORGE MORRIS
Did you hear about the mermaid and the fisherman?
They met online!
— ROGER WEAVER
O
ne year my father was in and out of the hospital. Each time, his tireless neighbors stepped in—mowing the lawn, shoveling the driveway, taking Mom to the hospital, picking up prescriptions.
After Dad recovered, my mother said, “I’d like to thank the neighbors for all they did. What would be something they’d appreciate?”
Dad suggested, “Tell them we’re moving.”
— MARK REILLEY
M
y son, a used-car dealer, showed his customer a 2005 Chevy in great condition. “And it’s only $7,000,” he told the man.
“I’m willing to give you $3,500,” said the customer.
My son feigned disappointment. “If at all possible,” he responded, “I’d like to sell you the whole car.”
— LIZ BROOKER
B
ob: Al, when did you get a trombone?
Al: I borrowed it from my neighbor’s kid.
Bob: I didn’t know you could play the trombone.
Al: I can’t. And now, neither can he.
— CAPERS SIMMONS
W
hen his house went up in flames, my brother-in-law watched firemen fight a losing battle to save the greenhouse. One firefighter tried to console him: “We couldn’t get the plants out, but we did water them.”
— ROBERTA HUNT
S
ome New Yorkers were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.
“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed. “We’re going to put you all into big pots of water, cook you, and eat you.”
“You can’t do that to me,” the tour leader said. “I’m the editor of The New Yorker !”
“Well,” he responded, “tonight you will be editor-in-chief!”
— HERM LONDON
E
very year, my father visits a friend in Tennessee. During one stay his buddy teased, “You should move down here. Of course, then you wouldn’t be a Yankee anymore.”
“I’ve always wondered about something,” Dad said. “What’s the difference between a Yankee and a damn Yankee?”
“A Yankee,” his friend replied with a smile, “only comes to visit.”
— CRESAYA WINCHELL
For a story about safe driving, a BBC anchorwoman had this revelation:
“Most cars have only one occupant, usually the driver.”
— ALEX CHERN
A
t the DMV to renew her license, my mother had her photo taken and waited for her new card. Finally her name was called, and she went to the counter to pick it up.
“Good grief,” she said. “My picture’s hideous. It looks nothing like me.”
The woman in line behind her plucked it out of her hand. “That’s because it’s mine.”
— CLARE SPAULDING
O
ur surname, Stead, rhymes with bed, but people often say steed, like the horse. One day a business associate of mine came over to the house and was greeted by my mother.
“Is Mr. Steed in?” the woman asked.
“He’s Stead,” my mother snapped.
“Oh, no,” the woman gasped. “I was talking to him only yesterday.”
— J. STEAD
Y
ou don’t just see the sights when you work at the San Diego Convention & Visitors Bureau—you see and hear it all, as these queries can attest:
“How many oceans does San Diego have?”
“Why is your office called the International Visitor Info Center if you don’t have information on Oklahoma?”
“I’m calling from Canada. Is it acceptable to wear navy blue in November?”
— THE SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE, C. TUCKER
I
was working as a lab instructor at Stadacona’s Naval Combat Systems Engineering School in Halifax when I overheard two students having an animated discussion. One of them was explaining a concept using technical terms like “pulse modulation” and “plasma-based.” I was impressed by their scholastic enthusiasm, but was quickly brought back down to earth when the second student replied, “Yeah, that’s great against the Romulans, but don’t forget that the Klingons use…”
— JOHN C. ARKSEY
A
young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle in England. “How did you enjoy it?” the guide asked when it was over.
“It was great,” the girl replied, “but I was afraid I was going to see a ghost in some of those dark passageways.”
“No need to worry,” said the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost in all the time I’ve been here.”
“How long is that?” she asked.
“Oh, about 300 years.”
— DONALD GEISER
I helped a lost little girl by taking her to the store
’s service counter and having them page her mother. I saw this as a chance to teach my 12-year-old daughter, Kylie, a safety lesson.
“That girl did the right thing,” I said. “Do you know why? Because she asked a woman for help, not a man.”
Kylie looked at me, mystified.
“Why on earth would I ask a man for help if I was already lost?”
— STEPHANIE TAIT
T
hree days of suffering through a nasty virus left me wiped out. But I found a silver lining the very first day I could crawl out of bed. Throwing on a pair of pants, I called out to my husband, “Look! These jeans fit—they finally fit!”
“Great,” he said. “But they’re mine.”
— ANN DWYER
A
friend and I were listing all the disgusting foods we like to eat. I guess I won the contest because when I told her how much I enjoyed tongue, she shuddered.
“Ewww,” she said. “Why would you want to taste something that tastes you back?”
— DONNA EIDINGER
F
reelance newspaper writers don’t get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks.
“Wow,” said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. “You must deliver a lot of papers.”
— MEAGAN FRANCIS
T
raveling through Spain, my friend Amy and I soaked in the culture, gorged ourselves on excellent food, and basically, indulged our every whim. One day we walked into a shop that had the most gorgeous coats. As we tried a few on, we noticed the odd looks we were getting from the shopkeepers. We didn’t know why until one kind English-speaking patron took pity on us.
“Excuse me,” she said. “This is a dry cleaners.”
— ROSIE SPIEGEL
T
he escalator was broken, and the only way out of the airport was up a flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee.
I began dragging my bag and was making a loud thud on every step when a man behind me grabbed the suitcase and carried it to the top.
“That was so chivalrous,” I gushed, thanking him.
“Chivalry had nothing to do with it,” he said. “I’ve got a splitting headache.”
— MEGAN SICLARI
O
ur friend hates to work out, which means the treadmill in her bedroom barely gets used. Nevertheless, she swears by it.
“It really works,” she told me.
“I throw my jeans over it, and they get smaller.”
— SHEILA TARNER
A
fter standing in line at the DMV for what felt like eons, my brother finally got to the counter. As the clerk typed his name into the computer, she said, “That’s odd.”
“What’s wrong?” James asked.
“My computer says you’re deceased.”
Surveying his surroundings, James muttered, “Great. I died and went to hell.”
— FAE BUNDERSON
W
hen I arrived at my mother’s apartment complex, I was greeted by the disconcerting sight of a fire truck parked outside. There was no sign of smoke, and the firefighters didn’t seem worried. Still, I asked one, “Is it safe to go inside? I’m a little wary of entering a building when the fire truck’s lights are on.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “We do it all the time.”
— NANCY DOANE
A
fter a severe storm walloped Kentucky, our utility company sent us to the hardest-hit area to get power restored. I was picking up fallen wires when a car horn blared at me.
“Hey!” I yelled at the driver.
“Didn’t you see all those red flags, signs, and barriers back there?”
“Oh, yes,” he replied. “I got by them all right. It’s your truck that’s in the way now.”
— GLEN STAUFFER
An amateur pilot wannabe, I knew I’d finally made progress with my flight training the day my instructor turned to me and said,
“You know, you’re not as much fun since you stopped screaming.”
— BARBARA MACLEAN
A
t Air Canada Jazz, we have four different paint schemes on our aircraft. The most prominent feature is a maple leaf on the tail. The fleet features either a green, yellow, red, or orange leaf, symbolizing the four seasons.
Upon arriving at Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, on a sunny but cool fall morning, the air-traffic controller asked why, yesterday, our plane had a yellow tail, but today’s was orange. Without any hesitation my first officer replied, “It is autumn now, you know.”
— MIKE CHUTSKOFF
How come married women are heavier than single women?
A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what’s in the bed and goes to the fridge.
S
aving for a new car on a teacher’s salary takes a while. So in the meantime, a mechanic friend loaned me an old junker so beat up, even its dents had dents. I came out of school one day to find a police officer and a woman examining it. “What’s going on?” I asked.
“I saw her hit your car,” the cop explained. “But I can’t figure out where.”
— YEFIM A. BRODD
I
took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn’t understand why it was so cheap, until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling. Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: “Nice house,” he said. “It’s even self-cleaning.”
— TIFFANY J. IN THE CLASSIFIED GUYS
W
hen my luggage didn’t make the flight home with me, I stormed over to the airport’s customer-service counter.
“Can you describe your suitcase?” the clerk asked.
“It’s a navy-blue duffel bag, 24 inches long, 18 inches wide, and 20 inches high,” I said. “It has red piping around the edges, three big stars on one side, and the words Atlanta Olympics in big letters on the other side.”
“Okay,” she said. “And is there anything distinctive about your bag?”
— KRIS MUCKERHEIDE
A
mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. “Ask him where the money is,” the mobster says.
The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, “What are you talking about?”
The interpreter tells the godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The mobster puts a pistol to the bookkeeper’s head. “Ask him again!”
The interpreter signs, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”
“Okay, okay!” the bookkeeper signs back. “The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard!”
“What’d he say?” asks the don.
“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
M
y son’s first job took him to Shenzhen, China. During the Chinese New Year I asked Todd why it was called the Year of the Pig.
“I’m not sure,” he wrote back. “A few months ago it was the Year of the Dog, and I’m still writing Dog on all my checks.”
— PHAMA WOODYARD
O
ne morning, my mom went out to the freezer to get some meat to thaw. When she returned, my 15-year-old sister, Rebekah, looked up from the computer and exclaimed: “You’ve got enough meat to feed an army!”
She added, on second thought, “Well, maybe the Canadian army.”
— ABIGAIL WHEALE
My wife loves sales. She’ll buy anything that’s marked down.
Yesterday she came home with an escalator.
— JOHN SFORZA
A
teetotaler is seated next to a rock star on a flight to Texas. After the plane takes off, the
musician orders a whiskey and soda.
“And the same for you?” the flight attendant asks the teetotaler.
“I’d rather be tied up and ravaged by crazed women than let liquor touch my lips,” he snorts.
“Here,” says the rocker, handing back his drink. “I didn’t know we had a choice.”
— JOHN BOWMAN
O
ne of the youth league soccer coaches didn’t care much for my refereeing and had no problem letting me know it. Fed up, I threatened him with a penalty if he didn’t can it. He calmed down, but an older woman took up where he’d left off.
“You’d better control your sideline,” I warned the coach.
The coach turned to the woman and barked, “Knock it off, Mom!”
— JOSEPH WHEELER
D
ad’s satellite dish conked out. When I walked into his living room, I found my father talking on the phone with the help desk. The TV set was pulled away from the wall, and he was staring at the mass of tangled wires spilling out from the back of it. He looked completely overwhelmed.
“Tell you what I’m going to do,” Dad said to the technician. “I’m going to hang up now, go to college for a couple of years, then call you back.”
— DANA MARISCA
Y
ou can take the man out of the auto business…
I was walking through the door after a morning of appointments—I’d gone to the beauty salon to have my hair colored and then to the chiropractor—when I heard my husband talking on the phone with my son.
Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine: America's Funniest Jokes, Stories, and Cartoons Page 13