Imagine That

by Kristin Wallace

  Nate couldn’t name anyone. He shrugged. “So?”

  “So… now you do have friends. People who know and care about you. By now Julia has already started making calls. In a few hours an army of people are going to descend on your house ready to do anything they can to help. You will not be alone.”

  “An army?” Neat echoed as a frisson of panic skittered down his back.

  A grin pulled at the corners of Seth’s mouth. “You might wish you’d kept more to yourself.”

  “So this army is going to get us through?”

  “No, only God will get you through. All the well-meaning people in the world can’t provide what He can.”

  A sharp knife of pain slid past Nate’s ribs into his gut. “So, what happens if I’m having trouble believing in God’s power?”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  The voices had returned.

  For most people, hearing voices might prompt a call to a mental health professional. Emily danced a little jig around the garage apartment. Then she sat down and strained to hear them. Strained, because so far all she’d managed to make out were whispers and bits and pieces. She had a hazy castle guarded by a dragon of some sort, and a fuzzy cottage in the woods inhabited by… well… no one as yet.

  Ideas were percolating, though, even if she couldn’t decipher them.

  In any case, concentrating on the shaky communication with her muse provided a welcome respite from her overactive conscience. Emily didn’t have much experience with guilt, and she was finding the whole process exhausting. Especially since she had two separate reasons to flay herself. It was a wonder she hadn’t collapsed on the floor in a true meltdown by now.

  Her cell rang, and she glanced at the number. Nate again.

  Her skin pulled tight as her finger hovered over the talk button. In the end she let it go to voicemail.

  You are such a coward, Emily Jane. A no-good, dirty, rotten coward.

  She had to talk to him. Had to find a way to tell him she’d snuck his long-lost father in to see his mother. Then she somehow had to arrange a happily ever after reunion between father and son.

  Call him back, you big baby. Stop being a big baby.

  Fine. I will.

  “Where have you been?” Nate asked after the first ring.

  Emily crossed her fingers and lied. “Writing.”

  “You’ve had an idea?”

  “Beginnings of one. It’s pretty vague right now, but I’ve been trying to pin things down. I get lost sometimes. Don’t even realize the phone is ringing.”

  She checked the mirror over the dresser. Her nose hadn’t started growing.

  “That’s great,” Nate said. “I knew you’d eventually get your imagination back.”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry I spaced out for a couple days. Are you all right? How’s your mom?”

  Silence echoed through the phone. Then. “That’s why I’ve been trying to reach you. You should come now. There’s not much time.”

  ****

  Zach answered the door. He didn’t say a word, yet his entire body screamed utter misery. The teenager’s eyes were heavy-lidded, and tiny brackets formed around his mouth, while his shoulders slumped forward. Even his clothes seemed dejected.

  He stood on the front stoop and blinked at her until Emily stepped inside and swung the door shut. Then she wrapped her arms around him.

  “You made it,” a deep, gravel-against-asphalt voice said from behind her.

  Nate walked down the hall. He seemed a little more together than his brother, but she suspected his calm was all an act.

  “Of course I came,” she said. “I should have been here sooner.”

  “You’re here now.”

  Nate held out a hand, and Emily stepped forward. Her heartbeat seemed to echo with their steps as they approached Rachel’s room.

  “She’s gone downhill fast,” Nate warned her. “It might be a shock when you see her.”

  Shock didn’t begin to cover her reaction. Three days. How could so much have changed in three days? Emily swallowed a whimper as she took in Rachel’s ravaged body.

  Nate’s hands settled over Emily’s shoulders, and she took a deep breath. Tried to summon the calm Nate had wrapped around himself like a coat of armor.

  Nate went to the bed and leaned down. “Mom, Emily’s here.”

  Rachel stirred, and her gaze sought Emily’s.

  “I’ll be outside,” Nate said.

  Emily perched on the bed and took Rachel’s hand. “Hi.”

  “Hi,” she said, her voice wheezing and reed thin.

  They sat in silence for a long time. Emily’s senses catalogued every sound, storing them in her memory. A bird was chirping in the tree outside the window, and a couple of little boys were engaged in a death-defying battle somewhere up the street. A car horn bleeped. All normal sounds of a world continuing to move forward, while time seemed to have come to a standstill in the Cooper house.

  To distract herself, Emily grabbed the jar of cream from the bedside table and slathered some onto Rachel’s hands.

  “That feels good,” Rachel said. “My skin is so dry all the time. Everything’s dried up.”

  “Are you scared?” Emily asked, concentrating on the ribbon of veins threading along the back of Rachel’s hand rather than her all-knowing eyes.

  “Not anymore,” she rasped. “I’m going home.”

  Rachel’s fingers were so thin and frail, like tissue covering twigs. Once they must have been strong and capable. Now they were as withered as the rest of her body. “Heaven, you mean? What do you think it will be like?”

  “I’m not sure. I know it will be wonderful. To be released from my body. To see God. I’m not worried about myself. I only wish—”

  Emily sat forward. “You wish what?”

  Rachel’s composure seemed to slip for once, and a film of tears welled up in her eyes. “I’m scared for Nathan and Zach.”

  A mother to the end, Emily marveled. Never worrying about her fate, but those left behind.

  “They won’t be alone,” Emily said. “And I’m going to do my best to reunite your sons with their father.”

  “I know you’re worried about Nate’s reaction, but you know what has to be done. The same way you knew I needed to see Dale again.”

  “Doesn’t mean Nate will thank me. He’ll probably hate me.”

  “Nathan could never hate you, Emily. Don’t you know by now how he feels?”

  Emily’s breath caught and she squirmed. “I’m not sure how he feels. I don’t know how I feel either.”

  Rachel managed to lift her other hand and place it over Emily’s. “Don’t ever be afraid to love. You and my son… you’re more alike than you think.”

  “Both emotional walking wounded?”

  A corner of her mouth lifted. “I think I know why your car broke down here now.”

  Tiny hairs raised on the back of her neck. “Why?”

  “I think it’s something you’ll have to realize yourself. No matter what, I’m glad you decided to stay.”

  Emily squeezed Rachel’s limp hand. “So am I. I wish I could have had you for a mother. Nate and Zach may have been burdened with a weak father, but God more than compensated with you.”

  “He always works things for good.”

  “Like Joseph and his brothers?”

  “Yes. I want you to always remember that. Even the problems with your writing. There’s always a purpose. You will find your voice again. Just let yourself feel, and it will come. Oh, Emily, I don’t think you can even imagine what God has in store for you.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “I know I’m right.”

  Emily’s own eyes stung and she fought the urge to fling herself into Rachel’s arms. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you,” she whispered. “Seems silly when I’ve only known you a little while.”

  “Honey, this is not a tragedy,” Rachel said. “It’s just the next step. I’ll always be here. Death can’t m
ake us stop loving. It doesn’t win in the end.”

  Except it would feel like death had won soon.

  Emily left when Rachel finally drifted back into sleep. Nate was waiting in the kitchen, rinsing out a cup. Or rather, he’d started to. He held the glass under the water, but any cleaning had ended there. Emily walked over and shut off the faucet. She took the glass and set it in the basket to drain. Then she grabbed a towel and dried off his hands.

  His fingers flexed, trapping her fingers. Her head lifted. He used the towel to wipe away her tears and then tossed it on the counter.

  Nate’s kiss was sweet and filled with a mixture of longing and comfort. He pulled back enough to rest his forehead against hers. “I wish I trusted myself enough to let you stay tonight.”

  “I will if you want.”

  “That’s a temptation I couldn’t handle right now. Having you here? An easy path to forget what’s going on? Not a good idea.”

  “I guess you brought her doctor in,” Emily said. “What did he say? Why did she go downhill so fast?”

  “It happened a couple days ago. Overnight it seems. He said maybe she’s just ready now.”

  A couple days ago? Right after the visit from Dale. Had Rachel been holding on for her husband? And then having seen him had she simply let go? Emily’s entire being winced at the notion that she might have had something to do with Rachel’s sudden turn.

  “I didn’t realize it would be so hard,” she said.

  His chest expanded, and the muscles in his neck bunched and strained. “I did.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Tick… Tick… Tick…

  The clock by the bedside table marked the minutes in methodic beats. Nate watched the hand turn, wishing he knew how to make time stop. If he could freeze everything until a scientist somewhere found a cure. If he could make her hang on until then. If he could…

  Tick… Tick… Tick…

  Her chest still rose and fell, but now each breath rattled past her lips. She slept, but she wasn’t free of pain. Not yet.

  Enough. Nate bowed his head and prayed. God, please make this stop.

  He glanced over at his brother. Nate had tried to get Zach to go to bed, but he’d refused. Instead, the kid had dragged a chair next to the bed and taken up a vigil from there. He’d fallen into a fitful sleep a while ago, and Nate didn’t have the heart to wake him.

  Tick… Tick… Tick…

  He’d had to call Dr. Benedict again when pain wracked his mother’s body. The doctor had done all he could to make her comfortable, but the heavy medication meant she was no longer aware of anything. She hadn’t been conscious for hours, and Nate had begun to think he’d missed his last chance to say goodbye.

  When Nate rubbed a finger across her hand, she stirred and her eyes opened. Her gaze fell on Zach first. Settled there. Then she rotated her head. He grabbed the cup of ice chips from the bedside table and eased a few into her mouth. Gray eyes, so like the ones he saw in the mirror every day. Eyes filled with pain, and exhaustion, but also peace.

  Tick… Tick… Tick…

  He knew what Seth had been talking about now.

  “Zach… wake up,” he said.

  Nate had spoken in little more than a whisper, but Zach jerked upright like he’d heard a shout.

  “Hi, Mommy,” Zach said, reaching for her hand.

  Nate climbed into the bed and laid down next to his mother while Zach settled on the other. He nestled her against his shoulder and kissed her head.

  “It’s all right,” Nate whispered. “We’ll be all right. You can go now.”

  Tick… Tick… Tick…

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Nate hadn’t known what true silence was until his mother was gone. Hadn’t appreciated how much her presence had filled the house.

  Finally, when the yawning emptiness began to close in on him, he fled outside. He didn’t make it far, lowering himself to the front steps. The normal sounds of the neighborhood waking up felt comforting somehow. He squeezed his eyes shut, praying everything else would go back to normal when he opened them.

  Then a white sports car pulled up in the driveway.

  A tiny corner of Nate’s heart lifted as the door opened and Emily got out.

  “Anna called,” she said.

  Something loosened in his chest, and the silent scream residing in his throat eased. For hours now, he’d wrapped himself in a deliberate calm. He’d had a job to do. Had to ease his mother’s passage. See to Zach. Comfort Anna.

  Now, Emily was here.

  She took a deep, bracing breath and walked closer. She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair, stroked across his jaw. Nate leaned into the caress, as emotions boiled up inside him like a volcano. Twisting, writhing, choking. He snaked an arm around her waist.

  He heard her gasp at the abruptness, but couldn’t make himself let go. He had to hold onto her or he’d fly into a million pieces. Then she wrapped her arms around him, and the grief he’d been shoving down burst through. Clawed up his throat and pounded into him like a sledgehammer. Some distant part of his mind heard the harsh sobs, but he couldn’t stop the tears.

  Nate didn’t know how long they’d stayed there, but slowly consciousness returned. As the storm subsided she pulled back. Her hands framed his face. Those glorious blue eyes shimmered with her own tears as she lowered her head and feathered her lips across his forehead, his eyes, the corners of his mouth, before settling briefly against his lips. Then she sat next to him on the step and threaded her arm through his.

  “Where’s Zach?”

  “He went to Addison’s house,” Nate said. “Aaron and a bunch of other kids from school are over there.”

  “I’m glad he has friends to help him.”

  “He stayed till the end. I couldn’t make him leave.”

  “Did she—” Emily gulped and took a deep breath. “Did she suffer?”

  “No,” he lied, figuring the truth wouldn’t matter now. “She just closed her eyes and then she was gone.”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “The whole way over here I kept wondering what I could possibly say or do. I couldn’t think of a thing.”

  He placed his hand over hers. “You’re here. Seeing your car pull up was like an answer to a prayer. I can barely wrap my mind around everything, and when I think about Zach and how I’m all he has, I almost can’t handle it. I’m it. I have to be mother, father, and brother. How am I ever supposed to do right by him?”

  Emily shifted, resting her arms across her thighs. “What if you didn’t have to do it alone? What if there was someone else who wanted to be there for both of you?”

  Nate hesitated, puzzled by the abrupt physical withdrawal and the odd question. “There already is someone here for us. You. And Anna. She’s been making phone calls for hours. Seth has been by already, too. He said an army would descend on us. I wasn’t sure I believed him, but I’m starting to.”

  “Okay, but what about someone closer? What about… your father? Maybe he should know about Rachel. He might want know so he can help you and Zach.”

  A spurt of anger penetrated the fog of sadness. “The last thing we need is Dale Cooper,” Nate said. “I don’t even know why you’d bring him up. He means nothing to us. Nothing.”

  “I know what he did was terrible, but maybe—”

  Nate vaulted off the step. “There’s no maybe. He forfeited the right to know anything about our family, and the last thing we need is for him to ride in here on a white horse and play the hero. I wouldn’t let him get within a hundred feet of my brother.”

  “What if Zach felt differently?”

  “He doesn’t know our father. Doesn’t know dear old Dad would stick around just long enough to make everyone care before he took off again.”

  “Maybe it wouldn’t be like that.”

  “Of course it would,” he shouted. “It’s always like that!” Nate heard the harshness in his voice and bit back a curse. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to y
ell at you. I don’t know why we’re talking about this or why you brought it up. Why are you defending him?”

  “I’m not,” she said, unable to look him in the eyes.

  She was lying. The hunched shoulders and twisting fingers shouted a lie. What he didn’t know was why.

  Then she levered herself off the step. “Never mind. Forget I said anything. It was a stupid thought.”

  Nate studied her, trying to figure out what had happened. “Emily—”

  “You’re right. I shouldn’t have brought it up,” she said. “Please don’t be angry. I didn’t mean to upset you when you’re already dealing with so much.” She put her arms around his waist and laid her cheek against his chest.

  Having her wrapped around him made it easy to forgive and forget. He pulled her closer and buried his face in her hair.

  “Did you say an army was going to descend soon?” she asked.

  “According to Seth.”

  She stepped back. “Then we’d better get ready.”

  Emily led him into the house, filling the empty rooms with her presence. Enough so, he almost didn’t feel the absence of his mother.

  Almost.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  “Polly, I’m starting to think your method of coping has some real merit,” Emily said as she stroked the sleeping dog’s ears. They’d gotten a record ten feet before the four-legged porker hit the snooze button. “Rip Van Winkle tried it. Alice had a great adventure. Even Dorothy.”

  Polly snorted and rolled over. She obviously didn’t care if her companion could have used some comfort.

  Emily switched to the dog’s rotund belly. “I was supposed to bring books to Rachel today. She’d ordered Pride and Prejudice again. I think she wanted me to see it so I’d think about Nate. She’s sneaky—” Fresh despair washed over her. “Was sneaky. How do I even say that? How can Rachel be a was?”

  Polly’s big brown eyes opened. Human and beast stared at each other. Then the dog shuffled to her feet, climbed into Emily’s lap, and raised up on hind feet.