“When do you think it’ll be deemed safe to come in and start work?”
I asked as I took my hand out of his and walked toward the bedrooms, taking stock of what smoke damage there was. There were no fire sprinklers in the apartment, so there was no water damage, but the place reeked of smoke.
“I think we can come in next week.” He answered, but I was in a different place and his answer didn’t really register with me. I had tunnel vision as I went into my bedroom, assailed by memories of the last time I was in here, both good and bad.
I moved to my closet and dug out my suitcase. I threw it on the bed and unzipped it, flinging back the top. All of a sudden I wanted to get out; I didn’t want to be there anymore. Most of the memories were good, but the bad ones were overshadowing them, and until we could rebuild and do a proper cleansing and blessing, I didn’t want to come back for any length of time.
I went through my dresser, throwing clothes in the suitcase at random, not even sure what I was packing. I shoved shoes into a duffel bag and threw toiletries into a beach bag. I was sure that everything would be a mess the way I was just tossing them in, but I didn’t care.
It was as though all that had happened was finally crashing down on me, an inexorable rogue wave that I couldn’t stop. The fire, Padraigan, Gemma…Noah. It was going too fast with him, making my head spin. It had to stop, or at least slow way down. I wasn’t ready for it.
I was tugging the heavy suitcase off the bed when he came in, a somber look on his face. He reached for the handle of the suitcase but I shrugged him off, not wanting his help.
“It’s heavy, let me get it for you.” He said, but I shook my head and pushed him away with my shoulder. He stood back, somber expression turning to puzzlement.
“What’s wrong?” His voice was wary, immediately sensing something was different. I could feel the change in me, the turning back of my attitude to him. We had briefly been tuned into each other when I had called him for help, so he could probably feel it slightly too. Or I was projecting major attitude. Either way, he was going to get the picture.
“Nothing’s wrong.” I replied tersely as I set the suitcase down with a thud and jerked the retracting handle up with a snap.
“Teagan, something is wrong. You can’t fool me.”
“Gee, Noah, what could be wrong? Um, being violated by a vampire? My home being set on fire? No, you right, nothing’s wrong. Silly me.” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
I yanked the beach bag off the bed and threw it over my shoulder. I grabbed the handle of the suitcase and brushed past him, my exit not as dignified as I wanted it to be with the suitcase jerking me around. There was a large part of me that knew I wasn’t acting dignified to begin with, that I was being childish and stupid, but the emotions were warring inside me like opposing forces on a battlefield and I went with the most basic emotion.
He reached out and grabbed my arm before I could make it out the door, but I just turned slowly and looked down at his hand where it curled around my upper arm, my face twisted with disgust. A flashback of the wedding, and Noah stating he wanted a truce came to me, and a feeling of déjà vu came over me. This time though, he dropped his hand instead of turning me around.
“Is this how it’s going to be then? We’re back to being at each other’s throats?” He asked, his blue eyes boring into mine, looking for a chink in my armor. I regarded him steadily, squashing down the part of me that wanted to throw myself into his arms and cry like a baby. That made me even angrier.
“Honestly, it never should have been any other way.”
I had time to think on the way back to Gareth and Anna’s. Harley and I were driving our own cars back to their house, so I was alone with my thoughts.
I was completely disgusted with myself, but the tide had turned, and in me, the tide was strong.
I knew that I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. It was horrible to treat him that way. Since our reconciliation, he had been nothing but good to me, putting up with my shit and taking it with a grain of salt.
I wasn’t ready for a relationship; I had known that from the beginning. I was happy being who I was, having nothing but friends and the bookstore.
I laughed softly to myself. Well, at least I still had friends. No bookstore and no man.
It didn’t make me feel better to know that I had no man. The decision to cut Noah out was more painful than I thought it would be. It had to be that way, though. I didn’t think that either one of us knew the meaning of the word slow, so I couldn’t even suggest it. It was all or nothing. And I wanted nothing at this point.
I couldn’t be sure where my epiphany from the night before had gone, but it didn’t seem to matter at this point. The part of me that wanted Noah was completely lost to the part of me that wanted nothing to do with him.
Maybe once things settled down and Padraigan was no longer in the picture…I shied from that thought. I was a present dweller, never looking toward the future.
I turned into the driveway behind Harley and Noah sped passed me on the road, his engine revving. I couldn’t think about him being pissed or hurt, but I did stop my car and watch until he was out of sight. As soon as he zoomed around the corner, I put my car back in gear and drove slowly up the winding drive, my eyes filmed over with tears.
Chapter Eleven
“Where’s Noah?”
I looked over at Harley as I fought with my suitcase, wrestling it out of the trunk.
“He left, I guess.” I shrugged my shoulders, as if I didn’t care.
She narrowed her eyes at me, stopping her own fight with her suitcase.
“What did you do?”
“What? Why does it always have to be me?” I asked, my tone defensive.
“Because when it comes to Noah, it always is you. What did you do?” she repeated, her hands on her hips, voice stern.
With a massive tug I yanked the suitcase, and it popped out so fast that I almost lost my balance. I wanted to ignore her, didn’t want to have this conversation.
“I opened my eyes. We shouldn’t be together. Plain and simple”
She gave a disgusted sigh and turned her back on me, pulling her suitcase and bag behind her.
“What? What does that mean?” I yelled after her, but she just flicked her hand in an annoyed gesture and continued to the house. Gareth came out on the porch and helped her with her suitcase, shooting me an aggravated look, and with one last look of annoyance, Harley shut the door behind her.
“Great. Just what I needed.” I muttered to myself as I dragged my unwieldy burden behind me up the walk.
I opened the front door and went in, debating whether or not to go upstairs first or face the inquisition that was surely waiting for me in the kitchen. I could feel animosity coming from back there, so I squared my shoulders and left my luggage in the foyer. I was definitely not someone who would run from a tongue lashing, and with hostile attitude firmly in place I walked into the kitchen, bristling immediately at the three pairs of eyes that landed on me.
Anna’s were the most compassionate, so I gave her a slight smile. Gareth had his arms crossed over his chest, a stern expression in place, as though he had decided to be my father or something, and take me to task. It hurt to see that, but after all, Noah was his only family, so of course he would take his side.
Harley was glaring at me, and that stabbed me to the heart. She was my friend, my confidant. She was immediately supposed to take my side.
“Noah called, did he?” What a punk, running and telling everyone what I did to him.
So it surprised me when Anna said softly, “No, he didn’t, at least not about that. When I answered the phone, I could hear his thoughts. They weren’t quiet. All he told us was that he was going to his office to sketch out some plans to rebuild Written. What happened?”
I looked down, ashamed at myself for causing him so much pain that he couldn’t even keep his thoughts hidden from Anna. Not like him at all.
All
of the fight went out of me. I deserved their condemnation, but it still didn’t change my mind. It just made me realize that I could have handled things better with Noah.
“I really don’t want to talk about it.” All of the fight had gone out of me and I was left feeling weak and drained in its place.
“Let me be the voice of reason here, for a moment if you please.” Gareth’s voice was low, but calm. I turned my head to look him square in the eye.
“No matter what has transpired between you privately, because that is obviously your business and not ours,” he looked at Harley and Anna in turn, “but there is this little Padraigan matter that we have to contend with, and a united front is best. So no matter what our personal feelings are, we have to put them aside. Will you be able to work with Noah side by side on this?”
I appreciated the speech, and nodded mutely, not sure if I could live up to it. He knew it, eyeing me with guarded suspicion, but let it go.
I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, and I wanted out of there before the dam broke.
“Sorry, gotta go.” I muttered and left the kitchen quickly, not even picking up my luggage as I ran passed it up the stairs.
I heard the soft knock on my door, and turned my head to face it as Anna came in. My eyes were stinging and blood-shot from crying, and my throat felt raw. She moved over to where I laid stomach down on the bed, my aching head pillowed on my arms. She sat down gently and ran cool fingers through my hair, offering comfort that I didn’t know I needed until now.
I had spent the hours berating myself, hating myself. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, why my feelings had gone completely haywire. It was as though I was having the worst case of PMS anyone had ever had in the history of the world. The way that my attitude had shifted from being happy to snappy had left me reeling, causing destruction in its wake that I didn’t know if I could fix.
I still thought that Noah and I shouldn’t be taking things so quickly, my argument to myself being that we were thrust together in a highly stressful situation, and relationships formed in those kind of emotionally charged atmospheres never lasted, and I didn’t want the heartache when it ended, most likely badly.
“Teagan, what is going on? When we got back, Harley told us a little of what was going on between Noah and you, though she didn’t tell us all of it. Then when we saw the two of you together this morning, well Gareth and I thought that your war was over and you both had finally given in to the insane attraction that you had between you. God, everyone knew it before you two did.” She gave a soft laugh, patting me softly on the back.
I sat up and pushed my hair off my face, scrubbed the tears from my cheeks.
“I don’t know what happened. It just suddenly occurred to me that we shouldn’t be together, just as suddenly as I had realized that we should be.” I didn’t look at her as I said this, not wanting to see the compassion that I could hear in her voice. It would probably bring me to tears again.
“It just got to be too much. Padraigan, then Written being set on fire…I couldn’t handle all the bad, and concentrate on the good.”
“Teagan, that’s what you have to do in times like these-hang on to the good fiercely and fight for it.”
“I know, I know you’re right, but I just can’t.” I whispered, tracing patterns on the duvet with my finger.
“What are you afraid of?” She asked softly.
“I really don’t know. Is it fear that I feel when it comes to Noah, or is it just the thought of losing my freedom?”
Anna let out a laugh that was more of a snort of derision and her whole expression changed. She looked at me with incredulity, her mouth twisted into a grimace. Then her expression changed in a snap, her features reassembling themselves into her everyday expression.
“What? Now what did I do?” I snapped, throwing my hands in the air.
Anna stood from the bed and crossed her arms, looking down at me.
“Freedom? That is so selfish, Teagan.”
I gaped at her; it was all I could do. Anna was calling me selfish, and it hurt.
“We all give up freedom at some point, and what could be a better reason than love? Noah loves you Teagan, and I think that you love him, too. Look what I gave up. I gave up having a normal life, having children…but it doesn’t matter, because I have someone that means more to me than any of those things combined. I can do anything with Gareth at my side.” Her voice went from stern to soft and although it was a statement that would’ve made me gag two days ago, now it just touched something in me, something that I wasn’t aware that I had. It made me yearn to have what she had, that type of love that defied everything, including self.
“I don’t know that I love him. I don’t know what I feel. A day ago, it felt like it, hell this morning it felt like it, but I’ve never been in love so I have nothing to compare it to.”
“Sounds to me like the definition of love. Or, you could just be bi-polar”
With a groan I flopped back on the bed, my arms flung over my face.
When I came back downstairs, after some more soul searching and crying, I was ready to talk to Noah. I knew what I wanted, and I wanted him. The massive mood swing from this morning was chalked up to the pressure of everything that had happened crashing down on me, and I was ready to make amends, to grovel, if need be.
I tried to picture my life without Noah in it, and I couldn’t. I tried to remember my life before Noah, and all I could recall was a colorless existence. He had brought so much to my world, so much life, that I couldn’t bear to not have him there. I could totally understand Anna and Gareth now.
I skipped down the stairs, hoping that he was there already, but doubting it. If he was as hurt as Anna said, then he would stay away until I made the first overture. Which I was prepared to do.
When I came into the kitchen, nobody was there. I poked around, going into the parlor, and the office, but no one was around. I frowned a little, not knowing where they could have gone. I searched out Harley’s mind, but she was either closing me off or asleep, and I couldn’t get a read on either Anna or Gareth.
I went back upstairs and knocked lightly on Harley’s door. I didn’t get an answer so I opened the door and stuck my head in. She was asleep, curled up on top of the covers, hands tucked under her chin.
I shut the door softly and went back down stairs, at a loss for what to do with myself. I was not about to go looking for Anna and Gareth, so I flipped on the T.V., but it couldn’t hold my attention. I wanted to see Noah, and once my mind was set on something, I had to have it.
Making a decision, I stood up from the couch and found my cell phone, punched in his phone number. I listened to it ring, tapping my foot impatiently on the floor as it kept on ringing.
Was anyone available? Or were they all just ignoring me?
I pressed the button on the top of my phone, clicking the screen closed, my foot still drumming a beat on the floor.
What to do?
I spun around and walked to the front door, pausing to snatch my purse from the hall table. I got in my car and drove toward Noah’s, mentally rehearsing what I was going to say. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy, that he was proud and I had hurt him. I had to try though. Anna was right; when you found someone like Noah, you held on.
I hadn’t been to Noah’s house before, but Harley had pointed out the driveway to me on numerous occasions as we were driving passed it on one errand or another. How she knew where it was I didn’t want to know.
With only one wrong turn on the way, I pulled into his drive, a long twisting affair like Gareth’s, but where Gareth’s was flanked on either side by acres of lawn, Noah’s drive was lined with trees. It actually cut through a forest, so the whole effect was being surrounded by nature. The trees formed a dense canopy overhead, turning the light green.
The driveway ran into a circular drive, and I stopped the car, looking through the windshield, my mouth hanging open.
Noah’s house was a sanctuary. T
he log structure rose up out of the ground as though it was a part of the land, a perfect melding of earth and man. The large picture windows, the honey-colored logs, the full wraparound porch with the matching gazebo corners all formed an organic pleasing whole.
There were hummingbird feeders spaced evenly on the porch, willow chairs with comfy blankets draped over the arms, and flowers in pots everywhere.
I wasn’t sure that I had the right house, even though Noah’s truck was parked in front of a three car garage that angled off the side of the house. I just couldn’t picture Noah living out here. In a log home, yeah, but willow chairs? Hummingbird feeders?
I got out of the car just as he came out on the porch. I froze in place, my hand resting on the hood of the car. He was a beautiful sight to me, tall and golden in the late afternoon light of mid-spring. He crossed his arms over his chest, his face inscrutable.
“Hi.” I called out, composing myself. I walked slowly to the stairs, my eyes never leaving his hooded blue ones.
“Hello.” He watched me come slowly up the steps, but his expression didn’t change and neither did his stance.
I gained the porch and stood there awkwardly, tucking my hands in the back pockets of my jeans.
“What are you doing here?” He asked, his voice soft, but I could hear barely controlled anger there.
It took me aback, that anger. He’d been rude, derisive, insensitive, and mocking in the time that I knew him, but he had never been angry. It knocked me speechless, my lips sealed. I stared at him mutely, shaking my head.
“Teagan, I really don’t have time for this. I have too much to do, and if you’re going to waste my time with your drama, I would rather you just turn around and leave.”
“My…wait, what?” I stammered, the old fury trying to take control. I promised myself that I wouldn’t get angry, that I deserved whatever he threw at me, but this kind of attack was not what I expected.
“Your drama, Teagan. The back and forth, mercurial feelings that run through you like a storm out of control. I don’t want it.”
Magick (Immortals and Magick Book 2) Page 10