She’d grown up rapidly that year, gone from being an idealistic student to the responsible mother of a child she hadn’t initially wanted. But that part had changed the very first time she’d held Jonathan in her arms. “I couldn’t. I had a baby to take care of.”
Kullen pointed out the obvious. “Lots of lawyers have kids.” As far as he was concerned, it was never too late to go back to school.
“Yes, but they usually have a spouse in the picture, someone ready to pitch in and pick up the slack at home.”
That would have been me if you’d only trusted me enough to confide in me. Out loud he pointed out, “There was your mother.”
But Lilli shook her head. “Not at first. When I left school, I went to live in Santa Barbara. I just moved back recently. I wanted my mother to get to know her grandson and I also thought I was going to need her support emotionally.” She thought of the custody fight she was facing. “Right now, I can’t devote myself to studying. Besides, I like managing the boutique.” She’d mentioned that in one of their meetings, but had never said anything more about it.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you, what kind of a boutique is it that you manage?”
There was a fond smile on her lips. She’d made tactful suggestions since she’d been hired and had, in a very short time, left her own stamp on the shop.
“It’s called Dreams,” she told him. “We cater to the quiet woman who wants to break out of her shell, at least once. I recommend clothing, do makeovers—”
“And make dreams come true,” he assumed, extrapolating from the shop’s name.
A smile slipped into her eyes as she nodded. “Hence the name.” It suddenly occurred to her that no one was upstairs with Jonathan. “What are you doing down here?” She began heading for the stairs. “Did you get tired of reading to your fan club?”
Moving quickly, Kullen got in front of her to prevent her going upstairs. “You don’t have to go up to his room. Jonathan’s asleep.”
She stared at him, stunned. “You’re kidding.” She looked up the stairs, as if her gaze could penetrate walls and she could see her sleeping son for herself. “This has to be a first. Jonathan never goes to sleep in under an hour.”
“Well, he’s asleep,” he assured her. “Must be the sound of my voice. Jonathan drifted right off by the time we got to page ten.” Kullen grinned. “I was hoping he’d stay awake longer. I was kind of wondering what happened to the Indian.”
“He asked you to read The Indian in the Cupboard?” This was a night for surprises, she thought. The book was set off to the side in what Jonathan called his “special place.”
“Yes, why?”
“It’s his favorite book. I’m the only one who’s allowed to read that to him. Even my mother’s not allowed to read it to him. He doesn’t want anyone else touching the book. He’s very fussy about that.”
“Then I’m honored,” he said and he was only half kid ding.
You’re more than that, she thought. You’re special to him.
She’d never seen Jonathan take to anyone the way he had to Kullen. In literally minutes.
Like mother, like son.
She warned herself not to get too comfortable with this situation. With this man. She knew firsthand that things always fell apart just when they looked their best. And she had a feeling this would be no different.
But she needed to be and forced herself to focus on what counted. “You said before you went upstairs that you had something you wanted to discuss with me.”
She saw Kullen’s expression grow serious. “Ask you, actually.”
An uneasiness undulated through her. Lilli had no idea what was coming but she braced herself for the worst. “Go ahead.”
His eyes swept over her suddenly rigid countenance. Amused, Kullen asked, “Would you like a blindfold and a cigarette?”
“Excuse me?”
“No offense, but you look like you’re getting ready to face a firing squad.”
“Sorry, I’ve gotten into the habit of expecting the worst.”
“Were you serious before, about being afraid that some one might try to kidnap Jonathan?” he asked.
She had been—and was—dead serious. “You probably think I’m paranoid.”
He shook his head. He wasn’t the one caught up in this. She would be the one who would know if there was a threat.
“Doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is what you think. You’re a lot closer to the situation than I am. Do you really think that there’s a chance Mrs. Dalton would resort to having your son kidnapped?”
She took a breath. She didn’t want him to think she was crazy, but she didn’t want to lie or downplay this, either. “Honestly?”
“We won’t get anywhere if you lie to me, Lilli, so yes, honestly.”
“I think Elizabeth Dalton’s given to obsessions. Right now, she’s obsessed with getting my son. Maybe she thinks she can somehow make it up to Erik by raising his son. I do know that I said no to her and she doesn’t tolerate being turned down very well.”
She got down to his question. “I have nightmares that someone will break in and take Jonathan,” she confessed. “I’ve been sleeping on the sofa lately so if anyone tries to break in, I’ll hear them right away. I haven’t slept through the night in weeks.” Even as she said it, she stifled a yawn. “I keep thinking I hear things….” Her voice trailed off and she looked up at him. “You probably do think I’m paranoid. Or crazy. Or both.”
“No, I don’t think you’re crazy. Or paranoid,” he assured her quietly. “I think you’re a mother who’s genuinely afraid of losing her son.” And that, he knew, had to be a terrible situation.
He felt for her, for what she’d been going through, not just now, but for so long. Pausing, Kullen thought for a moment.
“Would it help if you had someone staying here with you?”
“You mean like a bodyguard?” she guessed. “I can’t afford one, Kullen.” And there was an additional problem. “Besides, what guarantee would I have that Mrs. Dalton wouldn’t get to the bodyguard, make him an offer he couldn’t refuse? Instead of having someone I could rely on to protect Jonathan, I would be, in effect, inviting the enemy into my house.”
“It doesn’t necessarily have to be that way,” he told her.
“What do you mean?”
Kullen watched her eyes as he spoke. “What if your bodyguard was someone you knew?”
“Like who?”
Kullen smiled at her as he spread his hands wide, leaving himself open for her perusal. “Like me.”
That would be a godsend, but it also wouldn’t be fair to him. “I can’t ask you—”
“You didn’t,” he cut in before she could protest. “I volunteered.”
“Lawyer by day, bodyguard by night.” She couldn’t ask him to spread himself thin like that. “When would you sleep?”
“Why don’t you let me worry about that?” he told her kindly.
Having him here at night would go a long way to calm her fears. She knew it was selfish of her, but the thought of having him here to keep Jonathan safe was too tempting to turn down more than once.
“Oh, God, Kullen,” she cried, grateful beyond words. “You’re being so good to me. I don’t deserve it, not after the way—”
Kullen placed his finger against her lips to still them. “Again, why don’t you let me worry about what you do or don’t deserve?”
Lilli looked up at him, struggling to hold back tears.
There weren’t any words to tell him how much what he was doing meant to her. She had only one method of communication, one way to let him know how very grateful she was to him.
Rising up on her toes, she placed her fingers softly about his face and kissed him.
He could taste her tears in the kiss.
Chapter Ten
Kullen never claimed to be a saint.
And if he’d become a great deal more experienced in sexual matters in the last eight years since Lilli
had walked out of his life, it still hadn’t prepared him for the intense longing now ricocheting throughout his entire body.
As the taste of her mouth registered, he felt like a man who had just been snatched back from the brink of starvation.
To be sure, he had the normal appetites of a man, but they were always coupled with the feeling that he could walk away from the situation, the frothy entanglement, at any time. While making love was an adrenaline-fueled undertaking, he would still be more than fine if they didn’t go that route.
Everything was different with Lilli.
It always had been.
From the moment he’d met her, he had connected with her in a way he never had with any other woman since. Maybe that was because after Lilli had disappeared, he was careful to associate only with women who he didn’t want to build a future with. Attractive women who enjoyed a good time and thrilled to the skills of an expert lover. But he made certain that there were never promises, never hints of a permanent foundation. Every woman he was with knew from the start that there was no future looming on the horizon. He engaged in light, breezy, good, clean, teeth-jarring sex.
But there was more in a single kiss from Lilli than from all the women he’d been with since put together. Though still holding himself in check, Kullen knew he was coming perilously close to throwing caution to the wind. To sweeping Lilli into his arms and kissing her the way he’d wanted to all these years. With his whole soul exposed.
The thought of revisiting soul-numbing heartache was a great deterrent. Kullen drew back, not a little mystified that he actually could.
He needed to put her on notice. “You do that again,” he told Lilli quietly, “and you won’t be able to hold me responsible for what happens.”
Lilli trembled inside. She was both frightened and incredibly tempted, tempted to push the envelope just a little further. Tempted to kiss him again, but this time with even more feeling.
God, but she had missed him. Missed feeling safe be cause of him.
On the one hand, her life had no room for more complications. On the other, this was Kullen. Kullen, the man she should have been with all those years ago. The man she would have gladly married had life only arranged itself differently.
But it hadn’t and she had made her peace with that. Made it over and over again. She had to work with what was, not with what might have been. The latter was pointless and only tortured her.
She’d been tortured enough.
But even so, she heard herself saying, “Maybe I don’t want to hold you responsible.”
Kullen took a deep, shaky breath, banking down a powerful surge of desire that threatened to break loose.
This is a test, right, God? he asked silently. And if he passed this test, nothing but emptiness waited for him on the other side. That was the prize, if it could be called that.
Emptiness.
Lilli was his client, he reminded himself. Lawyers who slept with their clients were seen as unethical. Everyone knew that. He had enough on his plate without opening himself up to disciplinary hearings.
Besides, if he wound up being taken to task for that and his license was temporarily suspended, who would fight for Lilli and her son?
Kullen put his hands on her shoulders and, rather than pull Lilli to him the way every fiber in his being longed to do, he gently pushed her back and held her there. Away from him.
“This would be a mistake right now, Lilli.”
Taking a deep, fortifying breath, she nodded. “Right.” At least one of them had common sense, she told herself. But common sense was a poor substitute for a warm embrace. “If you’re serious about staying here, I’ll go get your bedding.”
“I’m serious,” he assured her. He’d made up his mind the moment she’d told him about her concern. He just hadn’t realized when he’d made up his mind what a superhuman challenge it would be to keep his distance. “You need to get some rest.”
Not with Kullen sleeping downstairs. Every cell in her body vibrated. It would take a long time before she would fall asleep—if at all. But at least she could rest easy knowing that Jonathan was safe.
Well, at least that made one of them, Lilli thought ruefully as she left the living room to get Kullen a pillow and blanket.
The feeling of being watched percolated through the layers of his brain, penetrating his consciousness before he was fully awake.
As sleep slowly ebbed from his haze-enshrouded brain, Kullen couldn’t shake the uneasiness that someone was staring at him. Really staring at him.
Was he under surveillance?
Was there a spy camera somewhere on the premises, secretly planted by Mrs. Dalton’s people in the hopes of gathering some kind of usable dirt on Jonathan’s mother? Or were the cameras here just to let them know the best time to stage the kidnapping?
Or was this feeling simply a carryover from a dream he no longer could remember?
His eyes felt glued together. It occurred to his awakening brain that he’d only fallen asleep a little while ago.
When he finally succeeded in forcing his eyelids apart, he discovered that there wasn’t a tiny spy camera trained on him. Instead, it was a tiny spy. The eyes that stared at him so intently, as if to memorize every inch of him, belonged to the very person he was supposed to be keeping safe.
Jonathan.
The moment Kullen opened his eyes, Jonathan’s intense look vanished, replaced by a huge grin.
“He’s awake!” the boy announced at the top of his lungs, obviously sending a message of this new development to someone else in the house.
Hovering over him, their faces less than five inches apart, the seven-year-old turned his attention back to Kullen and guilelessly asked, “Are you going to live with us?”
Kullen sat up. He searched for a way to explain his presence, sleeping on the sofa, without unduly frightening the boy.
Walking into the living room, Lilli was just in time to come to his rescue—in more ways than one. “He’s going to be staying here for a little while, Jonathan. You know, like a visitor.” Pausing by the sofa, she handed Kullen a large mug of black coffee she’d just brewed for him. She served it with a smile. “Thought you might want this.”
Given that his brain didn’t kick in until he’d gotten the proper fuel, he more than wanted it, he needed it. “You’re a lifesaver.”
“Tit for tat,” she answered glibly.
“What’s a tat?” Jonathan asked, directing the question to either of the two adults before him who was able to answer. “And what’s a ti—?”
Lilli quickly stopped him, placing her hand on his head before he could complete the question. “You have to get ready for school, young man. I have to get into work early this morning.”
Jonathan seemed a little crestfallen. “Can’t I stay home today with Mr. Kullen?”
“Sorry to disappoint you, champ, but I’m going to be going into work, too,” Kullen told him.
“Oh.” The boy thought it over for a moment and then his smile reappeared, lighting up his face. “Okay. I’ll go get ready,” Jonathan told his mother cheerfully, dashing out of the room.
Lilli sighed, watching her son race up the stairs. “God, but I wish I had half his energy.”
“You’re doing pretty well from where I’m sitting,” Kullen assured her. After draining the last of his coffee, he put the mug on the coffee table and rose to his feet. “I’d better get home and change my clothes. I look like I slept in these.”
“There’s a reason for that,” she laughed softly. “You did.”
“True,” Kullen conceded. “But I don’t want Kate noticing if I can help it.” When Lilli seemed puzzled, he explained, “She’ll grill me.”
“Oh, my money’s on you. I’m sure you can hold your own against your sister,” Lilli told him knowingly. “If you’re interested, I made you breakfast. Blueberry waffles.”
He was surprised by the choice. Blueberry waffles were his favorite, but she’d have no way of knowin
g that. She didn’t know what he ate for breakfast. There’d never been a morning after for them because there’d never been an evening before.
Just like there couldn’t be now, he reminded himself. Morning and a night of sporadic sleep had done nothing to dampen the longing he’d experienced last night when she’d kissed him.
Just the mere memory sent lightning through his veins. He needed a cold shower. At home.
“I’ll take that to go,” he told her.
In an effort to save time, he followed her into the kitchen. She deftly deposited the waffles into a plastic container usually used to transport sandwiches and added a dollop of maple syrup before snapping on the lid. She tested it to make sure it held, then placed the container and a plastic fork into a paper bag for him.
He hadn’t brown-bagged it since he’d been in school, Kullen recalled, feeling oddly pleased by the memory. Picking up his lunch, he promised her, “I’ll be back tonight.”
Lilli walked him to the front door. “I hate thinking that I’m putting you out this way.”
“Then don’t think about it,” he countered, hesitating by the door. “You’ll be all right if I leave now?” he asked.
She nodded. “Yes, thank you. It’s only the nights that seem so foreboding.” Lilli looked a little embarrassed. “I suppose that’s being silly. But for some reason, I feel like I can hold my own and manage in the daylight.”
She could hold her own in the darkness as well, Kullen couldn’t help thinking. Forcing himself to focus only on the situation from a professional standing, he nodded at her. “I’ll be back before sundown.”
Knowing that he would made her feel infinitely better.
But at the same time, she felt guilty. She was taking advantage of his kind nature. “I don’t want you to feel you have to be back.”
He sighed, shaking his head. She hadn’t changed. “You are the hardest woman to do something for, you know that? Stop protesting and just let me help you,” he told her. “It’ll go easier on both of us.”
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