"I didn't get to say goodbye," I murmured against his chest and closed my eyes. Nothing made much sense in the anguish I was experiencing. I'd have given up my dreams, my future, my stupid movie deal for just a few minutes to tell her goodbye.
She was all I had left, and now... I had nothing.
Chapter 2
Ethan
I couldn't get her out of my mind. Like she'd poisoned me the first time we met and now I was slowly being consumed by the idea of us together. Where was she? Back in L.A. yet? How was she? The drama from the night before left a million questions running through my mind.
Frank had basically pushed me back as he and Deza got Riley out the door and into one of their cars. I understood why I couldn't go with her, but seeing her fucked up, pale as a ghost and shivering uncontrollably broke something inside of me open. I'd spent my whole life not giving two shits about anyone but myself and now... She'd messed that up. My selfishness was at stake.
"That and my sanity." I moved my arms to position my clasped hands below my chin as I laid on my stomach in the darkness of my room. It was near lunchtime, but there was no reason for me to get up and moving just yet.
I'd want to check in with Riley, but the last thing she needed was to hear from me, no doubt. By the sound of things, her mother had been in an accident and hadn't survived. I wasn't sure if there was a father figure in the picture or siblings. If she'd mentioned any to me, I'd forgotten. It wasn't information I needed to get into her panties and so I'd discarded it. I was horrid, but honest with myself at least.
The knock at my bedroom door was ignored as I closed my eyes and let out a long exhale. The pain of losing someone wasn't something I was intimate with, but I only had to imagine the earth opening up and swallowing my older brother, Liam, whole. Terror and anguish danced in tandem in my stomach as I thought about losing him. Or Deza. Or Riley.
"I know you're awake. It's after twelve. Lunch is in the kitchen, and it's a toasted sub. You're going to have to eat yours cold." Deza's voice was both stern and caring. She couldn't be a total rascal to me no matter how much she tried.
"Go away," I whispered and pressed my lips to my hands. I wanted so badly to be the kind of man that would steal the keys to one of the cars, race to the airport and fly back to L.A. I could find Riley at her house and pull her close, kissing away her cares and telling her that I would be beside her no matter what, but it was stupid. I was stupid. My whole fucking life was a movie. I wasn't about to turn the only romantic attraction I'd had in forever into something rehearsed. I couldn't. No matter how much the voices in my head told me to.
"I'm coming in. Cover yourself up." The door behind me opened and I tossed the covers off my lower half, leaving my incredibly white ass on display.
"It's a full moon. Come on in." I stretched out my arms in front of me and humped the bed a little, causing my ass to giggle.
"Ethan!" The door closed and the sound of Deza's curses left a subtle smile on my face.
If nothing else in my life made sense, I could count on my agent and best friend to be easily disgusted by me and my love for nudity.
A combination of muffled voices moved outside my door, both masculine, and I couldn't help but get up. I could hear Riley's name being mixed into the conversation and needed to know how she was. I wouldn't overdo the drama too much, but Frank was more than aware that Riley and I weren't just coming back for a night cap and an evening of telling ghost stories around the fireplace. She'd been wrapped around me when he pulled her back to tell her about her phone.
I got up and pulled a pair of shorts over my hips, buttoned them and walked out into the hall. Paul and Frank were disappearing around the corner into the kitchen. I ran my fingers through my hair as I followed them silently.
"Did you get Ethan up?" Frank.
"Yep. He's awake and showing his ass like he always does first thing in the morning." Deza snorted as I rounded the corner.
"You're lucky I wasn’t laying on my back. I'd have ruined you for that big ugly black man you've got a thing for." I stopped by the counter and picked up a bag of chips, opening it and popping a few into my mouth.
Paul laughed and dropped down into the chair beside me. "When are you going to understand that women like Deza want the full package? Your cock isn't going to win you any favors in present company."
"How about me acting like a cock?" I lifted my eyebrow and smirked at him as Frank snagged my bag of chips from my hand.
"Just so you know, we're going to do a little more filming and get out of here. Most of the movie will be filmed in town when we're back in a month or two, and back at the studio. We have the office and house scene's set up there. We'll be using the Hotel del Coronado in San Diego for a little bit of our filming too."
"And what's going on with Riley? Is she not coming back?" The very thought of her not returning left my heart contracting in my chest, my stomach tying itself in knots. When had she become so damn important?
"We're not sure what's going on yet." Deza grabbed the bag of chips from Frank and tossed it back toward me. Her dark hair was pulled back, and her already tanned skin looked good against her white tank top and shorts. I could see why her ex, Darren, would put up with the rest of her shit. Not that I would, but then again, she'd never give me a chance to if I wanted one. Which I didn't.
"But you guys have confirmed that her mother is dead?" Paul asked, his expression darkening a little.
"Yeah. Unfortunately. We talked to one of our sources this morning, and found out that she was in a head-on collision last night. She didn't die until they got her into the ER, but it was soon after. Brain trauma from the impact." Frank shook his head and let out a shaky sigh. "I feel so bad for Riley. I'm pretty sure her mom was all she had left."
"What? No brothers or sisters?" My voice was a little more emotionally charged than I would have liked it to be.
"Nope. Not that we know of." Frank glanced over at Deza. "Was her mom married?"
"No clue, but I know her father wasn't in the picture anymore either." She wrapped her arms around her middle and shook her head. "It could have been anyone in our families. We need to make sure we give her all the love and warmth we have to give when we get back, okay?"
"What kind of love and warmth are we talking about here? Define it?" I slipped my hands into the pockets of my shorts and gave her a boyish smile. I was being stupid, but it was easier than letting any of them know that I ached for the beautiful blond co-star that had stolen bits and pieces of me since the day we met.
"Really?" Deza rolled her eyes and turned toward the stove. "Your sandwich is over here. You know how we all feel about you giving any kind of love or warmth to Riley."
"And, from what I saw last night... you were ready to offer both." Frank turned his attention onto me. "Have we ever told you who to date?"
"Yep. Since I was twelve." I lifted my eyebrow.
Paul snorted before laughing. "He's got a point, Frank. You guys have always been hovering over the top of him."
Deza whipped around with something like hurt in her eyes. "We've both given up a lot for you. To protect you and help raise you. Don't act like we're a burden because we care what you do in your private time. If you and Riley got together-"
Frank cut her off. "When they get together."
"We're not getting together. We wanted to fuck. All right? What's so bad with two grown-ass adults wanting a little relief?" I threw my hands in the air. "I know what's at stake, but we're not talking about dating or looking at rings. We're talking about sex. Non-committed, a couple times of bodies slapping against each other fucking." I walked around the counter, grabbed my sandwich and walked out. They had no control over me or who I was going to take to my bed, Riley included.
I felt better telling myself that. Even if it was a damn lie.
***
"Hey. Aren't you..." A pretty dark-haired girl sat down next to me at the bar later that night and smiled. I'd spent the day on the beach or trying to
nap in my room, trying not to complete mine and Riley's night in my head while I laid there. After the sunset, I'd given up. I wasn't going to get through the next few days by ignoring the fact that Deza was right.
Riley was off limits and I was screwed for wanting more with her. It was selfish and dickish and soooo me.
"I am." I gave the girl a wink and turned back to my beer.
She laughed. "You get that often?"
"More often than you can imagine." I gave her a second glance. She was pretty, exotic, safe. She wasn't Riley, nor did she look a damn thing like her. I could handle that. Maybe.
"I'm Ina. I live here by the water. Just down the way." She pointed down the beach, and I followed her directives instead of checking her out. I wanted a night by myself, though I needed to drown in something, someone, and try to forget about building anything with my pretty co-star. I needed to put a stop to the fantasy before if left me with no choice but to chase after it.
Where are you tonight? Are you okay? Do you miss me? I glanced up at the moon above my head and let my eyes move across the stars.
"You wanna maybe go back to your hotel for a drink? I hate paying so much here, but I think if you ordered a bottle from the bar to be delivered to your room, they might take a few dollars off."
I had more dollars than I knew what to do with, but maybe she didn't know who I was. I let my eyes run across her beautiful face and reached out, touching the side of her cheek and brushing my thumb over her thick lip.
"You just want a drink? Nothing more?"
"Let's start with a drink and see where things go."
I chuckled. "I know where things will go. You'll get naked for me, and I'll use you all night to enjoy the carnal delights that a woman like yourself can bring. You'll go home with stars in your eyes, not knowing that I spent the whole time with my eyes closed, my heart aching for someone else. Do you wanna be another woman tonight? To fuck a guy that keeps his eyes closed the whole time."
She pulled my hand from her face as the light in her eyes dimmed a little. "What's her name?"
"Riley, and I hate her for stealing my heart." I turned back toward the bartender and pointed to a bottle of Jack. "One of those for the lady?"
"Absolutely." The guy pulled it down and handed it to us with two shot glasses. "I'll hit your tab for it."
"Perfect." I pushed it toward her and handed her one shot glass. "Find someone worthy of your time and have fun."
"I don't mind you closing your eyes." She gripped the bottle and picked up both glasses. "I'll close mine too."
I nodded, finished my beer and took her hand. It's not like I'd ever end up with Riley anyway. If Frank and Deza didn't make sure of it, I probably would. Living a life of fulfillment was never my lot in life. My passion and pleasure and drive came from my pain. Who would I be without it?
Chapter 3
Two Days Later
Riley
The last two days had been a fog, a haze that I had to continuously push my way through. Losing track of time, or trying to understand that my mother really was gone had become part of the norm. I couldn't help but think it was my mind's way of coping with such a fucked up tragedy. The funeral was two days away, but the thought of standing over her casket left me empty, hallow, barren.
"Hey. I'm going to make myself some eggs. You want something?" Char stopped beside me as I sat at the kitchen table. Her soft grip on my shoulders felt good, like she were capable of infusing warmth into my cold soul with enough pressure.
"Sure. That would be nice." I glanced over my shoulder at her and offered a sad smile. "Thanks for taking off this week to be around me. I've needed it. Needed you."
I put my hands on hers and squeezed them softly.
"I'd do anything for you. You're like a sister to me." She leaned over and kissed the top of my head. Her long blond hair cascaded down around my shoulders and tickled my cheek. "Jace is going to be one of the pall bearers at the funeral. You're okay with that, right?"
"Yeah. I need to call Deza and Frank today and catch them up on everything. I think Deza has called twice a day since I left. I just keep letting it go to voicemail."
"And she'll totally understand that, Ri." Charlotte squeezed my shoulders once more and released me.
I stood up and walked into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. "You want a cup?"
"Yeah. I had a message on my phone from Jeff yesterday." She sighed and shook her head. "I've told him twice that I really think we should see other people. He's just not getting the hint."
I was grateful for something normal to talk about for a minute and jumped on the conversation with a little too much vigor.
"So tell him to fuck off then."
She snorted. "It's not that easy. He's a good guy."
"So. He's not your guy." I put my hands on my hips as the coffee started to percolate next to me. The smell filled up my senses and offered me peace.
"That's true. I'll get a little more firm with him over it. I need to get Jace to answer my phone the next time he calls. That will scare him shitless. Jace has that deep, scary voice."
"Speaking of Jace." I glanced around. "Has he been here all week too? I've been in a haze of sorts."
"Yeah." She smiled as her cheeks colored pink. "He's not willing to leave your side unless he's working. He has to feel something for you, Riley. It makes no sense for him to be so protective and smothering you the way he is. He loves you. I just know it."
"We've been friends for a long time." I walked to the fridge and pulled out the creamer. Something about the idea of Jace loving me just felt natural, right? It wasn't exciting or a turn on at all. It was just a warm blanket around my heart. The idea of Ethan Lewis loving me left my pulse spiking, my knees weak, my girl parts purring. It was a whole different ballgame, but was that what I needed right now?
Excitement with the possibility of loss - again, or security with an old friend? Hell, I wasn't even sure if Jace was pushing toward us being more than the sex-buddies that we had been for years.
"They say the best relationships are those built on friendships." She pulled down two coffee mugs from the cabinet above her head and handed me one of the mugs. "Maybe you should consider letting down your defenses and giving him a chance."
"This coming from the woman that hated Jace Dillon since she met him." I took the cups and poured the coffee before working on mine to turn it into a dessert.
"He's grown on me. It's been like eight years, Riley. He's not as bad as he used to be."
"Right. He's worse." I took a tentative sip of my coffee and groaned. "Thank you."
She glanced up from working to crack an egg into the frying pan in front of her. "Thank you for what? You made the coffee."
"For going to the hospital to be with my mom, Char." I set my cup down as tears filled my eyes. "Did you get to see her before she died?"
She turned back to the stove as her shoulders tightened. "Yeah. But she didn't know it was me."
I moved up behind her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders, pressing my cheek to the back of her neck. "Did she say anything to you?"
"She just kept mumbling that she was sorry and that she loved me." She let out a soft sob and covered her face. "I wanted you there so fucking bad. Those were your words to hear, not mine."
I nodded and tightened my arms around her as my own tears flowed freely. "You think she meant them for me?"
"Yeah. I know she did." Charlotte wiped her eyes and turned, pulling me into a hug. "I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any more loss in your life."
I clung to her and tried to get my breathing under control. "No one deserves this type of hurt."
"Agreed." She squeezed me and released. "Do you have something to wear to the funeral on Thursday?"
"I think so. I'll check later today." I wiped my eyes and walked over to grab my coffee as my phone started to ring. "I'm betting that's Frank or Deza. I should probably get it."
"Yeah. I'll work on breakfast. Go find o
ut what they're up to and tell them how you are, but remember... you don't owe them or anyone else a goddamn thing. Keep whatever you want to yourself for only you." She glanced over her shoulder and gave me a stern look which didn't come off as well as she might have intended. Her face was blotchy and her eyes red-rimmed from crying.
I smiled. "I'll be fine. I'm a big girl."
She turned as I walked into the living room and picked up my phone. I waited until I was in my bedroom with the door shut to answer it.
"Deza? Sorry I haven't returned your calls. I've been a little out of it." I put my coffee down and sat down on the edge of my bed. The only light in the room filtered in from the windows and left me feeling calm, peaceful.
"Hi Riley. It's no problem at all. I just wanted you to know that we were thinking of you and praying for you. You've been heavy on our hearts." She cleared her throat. "It's funny how you just joined us, but we already feel your absence."
"Thank you for that." I took a sip of my coffee. "How is everyone? Is filming still going on? Did you get an understudy to take my place?"
"Whoa. One question at a time." She chuckled.
I smiled, unable to help myself. "How is everyone?"
"We're good, just missing you. We left super early this morning and are waiting for a connecting flight. It's going to be a long day, but hopefully everyone will head home for a few days when we get back in town. I know Ethan will be working in the studio on a few things this week, but that's just to keep us on schedule."
"Is he-"
"He's good. Don't worry about him. He's just concerned about you losing your mother. Would you mind giving me the information for the funeral? We're hoping to send flowers, and I know I'll be there to support you for sure. Frank should too."
I wanted to ask if Ethan would, but it was childish of me to do so. My only concern shouldn't be about Ethan showing up and holding me while I cried. I didn't live in a movie, though it was starting to feel like it some days.
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