“Noooo!” cried Ben in desperation. “Mum and Dad were right. I am useless. I can’t even light a match!”
Granny put her arms around her grandson.
As they cuddled, their wetsuits squeaked a little.
“Don’t talk like that, Ben. You are an amazing young man. You really are. Since we have been spending so much time together I am a hundred times happier than I could ever say.”
“Really?” said Ben.
“Really!” replied Granny. “And you are so very clever. You planned this whole extraordinary heist yourself and you’re only eleven years old.”
“I’m nearly twelve,” said Ben.
Granny chuckled. “But you get my point, dear. How many other children your age could plan something as daring as this?”
“But we aren’t going to steal the Crown Jewels now, so it’s all been a massive waste of time.”
“It’s not over yet,” said Granny, as she pulled out a tin of cabbage soup from her handbag. “We can always try some good old-fashioned brute force!”
Granny handed the tin to her grandson. Ben took it with a smile, and then walked over to the cabinet.
“Here goes!” said Ben, as he swung back the tin to strike the glass.
“Please don’t,” said a voice from the shadows.
Ben and Granny froze in terror.
Was it a ghost?
“Who’s there?” Ben called out.
The figure stepped out into the light.
It was the Queen.
∨ Gangsta Granny ∧
27
An Audience with the Queen
“What on earth are you doing here?” asked Ben. “Er…I mean, what on earth are you doing here, Your Majesty?”
“I like to come here when I can’t sleep,” replied the Queen. She spoke in that instantly familiar posh voice of hers. Ben and Granny were surprised to see she was wearing a nightgown and little furry Corgi slippers. She was also wearing the coronation crown on her head. It was the most magnificent of all the Crown Jewels. The Archbishop of Canterbury placed it on her head when she was crowned Queen in 1953. The crown, which dates back to 1661, is made of gold, encrusted with diamonds, rubies, pearls, emeralds and sapphires.
It was an impressive look, even for the Queen!
“I come here to think,” the Queen went on. “I got my chauffeur to bring me over from Buckingham Palace in the Bentley. I have my Christmas address to the nation in a few weeks, and I need to think carefully about what I want to say. One always finds it easier to think with one’s crown on. The question is, what on earth are you two doing here?”
Ben and Granny looked at each other, ashamed.
Being told off was bad enough at the best of times, but being told off by the Queen was on a whole other level of being-told-offness, as this simple graph demonstrates:
“And why do the pair of you smell like poo-poo? Well?” pushed Her Majesty. “I am waiting.”
“I am solely to blame, Your Majesty,” said Granny, bowing her head.
“No, she’s not,” said Ben. “It was me who said we should steal the Crown Jewels. I talked her into it.”
“That’s true,” said Granny, “but it’s not what I meant. I started this whole thing, when I pretended to be an international jewel thief.”
“What?” exclaimed Ben.
“Pardon?” said the Queen. “One is terribly confused.”
“My grandson hated staying with me on Friday nights,” said Granny. “I heard him one night, calling his parents and complaining about how boring I was – ”
“But Granny, I don’t think that any more!” protested Ben.
“It’s all right, Ben, I know things have changed since then. And in truth I was boring. I just liked to eat cabbage and play Scrabble, and I knew deep down that you hated those things. So I made up stories from the books I read to entertain you. I told you I was an infamous jewel thief called ‘The Black Cat’…”
“But what about those diamonds you showed me?” said Ben, feeling shocked and angry that he’d been deceived.
“All worthless, dear,” replied Granny. “Made of glass. I found them in an old ice-cream tub at the local charity shop.”
Ben stared at her. He couldn’t believe it. The whole thing, the whole incredible story, was made up.
“I can’t believe you lied to me!” he said.
“I – I mean…” said Granny, falteringly.
Ben turned to glare at her. “You’re not my gangsta granny after all,” he said.
Then there was a deafening silence in Jewel House.
Followed by a rather loud and rather posh cough. “Ahem,” said an imperious voice.
∨ Gangsta Granny ∧
28
Hung, Drawn and Quartered
“I’m terribly sorry to interrupt,” said the Queen, in her clipped tones, “but might we get back to the important matter at hand? I still don’t understand why the two of you are here in the Tower of London in the middle of the night, smelling of poo-poo, and attempting to steal my jewels.”
“Well, once I had started, the lie grew and grew, Your Majesty,” continued Granny, avoiding Ben’s eyes. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I just got carried away I suppose. It was so nice to spend that extra time with my grandson, to have fun with him. It reminded me of when I used to read him bedtime stories. That was in the days when he didn’t find me boring.”
Ben fidgeted. He was starting to feel guilty, too. Granny had lied to him, and that was horrible – but she’d only done it because she was upset that he thought she was dull.
“I had fun too,” he whispered.
Granny smiled at him. “I’m glad, little Benny. I’m so sorry, I really – ”
“Ahem,” interrupted the Queen.
“Oh yes,” said Granny. “Well, before I knew it, things had snowballed, and we were planning to take on the most daring robbery of all time. We climbed up the sewage pipe, by the way. We don’t usually smell like this, Your Majesty.”
“I should hope not.”
“PPPPPP000000000EEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Ben was feeling really guilty now. Even if Granny had never been an international jewel thief, she certainly wasn’t boring. She had helped plan this robbery with him, and now here they were in the Tower of London at midnight, talking to the Queen!
I have to do something to help her, Ben realised.
“The robbery was my idea, Your Majesty,” he said. “I am so sorry.”
“Please let my grandson go,” interjected Granny. “I don’t want his young life ruined. Please, I beg you. We were going to return the Crown Jewels tomorrow night. I promise.”
“A likely story,” murmured the Queen.
“It’s true!” exclaimed Ben.
“Please do what you want with me, Your Majesty,” continued Granny. “Have me locked up here in the Tower for ever, if you like, but I beg you, let the boy go.”
The Queen looked lost in thought.
“I really don’t know what to do,” said the Queen eventually. “I am touched by your story. As you know, I too am a grandmother, and my grandchildren find me dull sometimes.”
“Really?” asked Ben. “But you are the Queen!”
“I know,” the Queen chuckled.
Ben was stunned. He had never seen the Queen laugh before. She was usually so serious, and never cracked a smile when giving her speech on TV at Christmas, or opening Parliament, or even watching comedians at the Royal Variety Show.
“But to them I’m just their boring old granny,” she continued. “They forget that I was young once.”
“And that they too will be old one day,” added Granny, with a meaningful look to Ben.
“Exactly, my dear!” agreed the Queen. “I think the younger generation need to have a bit more time for the elderly.”
“I’m sorry, Your Majesty,” said Ben. “If I hadn’t been so selfish and moaned about old peop
le being boring none of this would have ever happened.”
There was an uncomfortable silence.
Granny rummaged in her handbag and offered the Queen a bag of sweets. “Murray Mint, Your Majesty?”
“Yes please,” said the Queen. She unwrapped it and popped it into her mouth. “Gosh, I haven’t had one of these for years.”
“They’re my favourite,” said Granny.
“And they last so long,” added the Queen as she sucked it, before composing herself again.
“Do you know what happened to the last man who attempted to steal the Crown Jewels?” enquired the Queen.
“Was he hung, drawn and quartered?” asked Ben excitedly.
“Believe it or not he was pardoned,” said the Queen with a wry smile.
“Pardoned, Your Majesty?” said Granny.
“In 1671, an Irishman by the name of Colonel Blood tried to steal them, but was caught by guards as he tried to escape. He hid this very crown I am wearing now under his cloak and dropped it on the ground just outside. King Charles II was so amused by Colonel Blood’s daring attempt that he set him free.”
“I must Google him,” said Ben.
“I don’t know what Googling is,” said Granny.
“Nor me,” chuckled the Queen. “So, in royal tradition, that’s what I am going to do. Pardon you both.”
“Oh thank you, Your Majesty,” said Granny, kissing her hand.
Ben fell to his knees. “Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, Your Majesty…”
“Yes yes, don’t grovel,” said the Queen, haughtily. “I cannot abide grovelling. I have met far too many grovellers during my reign.”
“I am so sorry, Your Majestical Royal Majesty,” said Granny.
“That’s exactly what I mean! You’re grovelling now!” replied the Queen.
Ben and Granny looked at each other in fear. It was hard not to speak to Her Majesty without grovelling at least a little bit.
“Now jolly along quickly, please,” said the Queen, “before this whole place is overrun with guards. And don’t forget to watch me on the telly on Christmas Day…”
∨ Gangsta Granny ∧
29
Armed Police
It was dawn by the time they trundled back into Grey Close. This time there was no police car to give them a lift. It was a very long way home from London on a mobility scooter. Over the speed bumps they went, bump bump bump, and whirred into Granny’s drive.
“What a night!” sighed Ben.
“My word, yes, good golly I do feel rather stiff from sitting on that thing for so long,” said Granny, as she eased her old and tired body off the scooter. “I am sorry, you know, Ben,” she said after a pause. “I really didn’t mean to hurt you. It was just so nice spending time with you, I didn’t want it to stop.”
Ben smiled. “It’s OK,” he said. “I understand why you did it. And don’t worry. You’re still my gangsta granny!”
“Thank you,” said Granny softly. “Anyway, I think that’s quite enough excitement to last a lifetime. I want you to go home, be a good boy, and concentrate on your plumbing…”
“I will, I promise. No more heists for me,” chuckled Ben.
Suddenly Granny froze.
She looked up.
Ben could hear a helicopter whirring overhead.
“Granny?”
“Shush…!” Granny adjusted her hearing aid and listened intently. “That’s more than one helicopter. It sounds like a fleet.”
WOOO-WOOO-WOOO-WOOO-WOOO!
The sound of police-car sirens screeched from all around, and within moments heavily armed police surrounded them from every angle. Granny and Ben couldn’t see any of the bungalows in the close any more because they were trapped behind a wall of policemen in bulletproof vests. The whirr of police helicopters overhead was so deafening that Granny had to turn her hearing aid down.
A voice came over a megaphone from one of the helicopters. “You are surrounded. Put down your weapons. I repeat, put down your weapons or we will shoot.”
“We haven’t got any weapons!” shouted Ben. His voice hadn’t broken yet and it came out a bit girly.
“Don’t argue with them, Ben. Just put your hands in the air!” shouted Granny over the noise.
The gangsta pair put their hands up. A number of especially brave policemen surged forward, pointing their guns right at Ben and Granny. They pushed them over and pinned them to the ground.
“Don’t move!” Came the voice from the helicopter. Ben thought, How could I move with a great big policeman kneeling on my back?
A flurry of leather-gloved hands made their way up and down their bodies and fumbled through Granny’s handbag, presumably searching for guns. If they had been searching for used tissues they would be in luck, but they didn’t find any weapons.
Ben and Granny were then handcuffed and brought to their feet. Out from behind the wall of policemen stepped an old man with a very big nose wearing a pork-pie hat.
It was Mr Parker.
Granny’s nosy neighbour.
∨ Gangsta Granny ∧
30
A Packet of Sugar
“Thought you could get away with stealing the Crown Jewels, did you?” whined Mr Parker. “I know all about your wicked plan. Well, it’s over. Officers, take them away. And lock them up and throw away the key!”
The policemen pulled the captives in the direction of two waiting police cars.
“Hang on a sec,” shouted Ben. “If we stole the Crown Jewels, where are they?”
“Yes of course! The evidence. All we need to put you two gangstas behind bars for ever. Search the basket of the scooter. At once!” said Mr Parker.
One of the policemen went through the basket. He found a large package wrapped in soggy clingfilm.
“Ah, yes, that must be the jewels,” said Mr Parker confidently. “Give it here.”
Mr Parker shot Granny and Ben a smug look. He started unwrapping the package.
Quite a few minutes passed until the big package was a little package. Finally, Mr Parker reached the end of the clingfilm.
“Ah, yes, here we are!” he announced, as a tin of cabbage soup fell to the ground.
“Could I have that please, Mr Parker?” said Granny. “It’s my lunch.”
“Search her bungalow!” barked Mr Parker.
A few policemen tried to bash open the front door by charging at it with their shoulders. Granny looked on, amused, before venturing, “I’ve got the key right here, if you’d rather use that!”
One of the policemen approached her and rather sheepishly took the key.
“Thank you, Madam,” he said politely.
Granny and Ben shared a smile.
He then opened the door, and what seemed like hundreds of policemen charged inside. They frantically searched the bungalow, but after a short while they re-emerged, empty handed.
“There’s no Crown Jewels in there, I’m afraid, sir,” said one of the policemen. “Just a Scrabble set and quite a few more tins of cabbage soup.”
Mr Parker’s face went red with fury. He had called out half the police officers in the country, all for nothing.
“Now, Mr Parker,” said one of the policemen to him. “You are very lucky we aren’t arresting you for wasting police time…”
“Wait!” said Mr Parker. “Just because the jewels aren’t on them or in the house, doesn’t mean they don’t have them. I know what I heard. Search…the garden! Yes! Dig it up!”
The policeman put up a calming hand. “Mr Parker, we can’t just – ”
Suddenly, a light of triumph lit up in Mr Parker’s eyes. “Hang on. You haven’t asked them where they were this evening. I know they went to steal the Crown Jewels. And I bet they don’t have an alibi for tonight!”
The policeman turned to Ben and Granny, frowning. “Actually, that’s not a bad point,” he said. “Would you mind telling me where you were tonight?” Mr Parker was positively beaming now.
Just th
en, another policeman waddled over to them. There was something familiar about him, and when Ben saw his moustache, he knew why.
“Boss, we’ve just had a call through for you on – ” PC Fudge began, holding up a walkie-talkie. He stopped suddenly, staring at Ben and Granny. “Well!” he said. “If it isn’t the clingfilm people!”
“PC Pear!” said Ben.
“Fudge!” corrected Fudge.
“Sorry, yes, Fudge. Nice to see you again.”
The superior officer looked confused. “Sorry?”
“The lad and his granny. They’re the Clingfilm Appreciation Society. They went to their annual meeting in London tonight. I dropped them off, in fact.”
“So they weren’t stealing the Crown Jewels?” asked his boss.
“No!” laughed PC Fudge. “They were merging with the Bubble Wrap Society. Stealing the Crown Jewels indeed!” He smiled at Ben and Granny. “What an idea!”
Mr Parker had gone red in the face. “But…but…They did it! They’re villains, I’m telling you!”
While he was spluttering, the superior officer took the walkie-talkie from PC Fudge. “Yep. Uh-huh. Right. Thank you,” he said. He turned to Ben and Granny. “That was Special Branch. I asked them to check if the Crown Jewels were still there. Turns out they are. I’m sorry, Ma’am. And boy. We’ll have those handcuffs off you in a jiffy.”
Mr Parker slumped, looking utterly dejected. “No, it can’t be – ”
“If I hear one more peep out of you, Mr Parker,” said the policeman, “I will throw you in the cells for the night!” He turned smartly on his heel and walked over to one of the patrol cars, followed by PC Fudge, who waved at Ben and Granny as he left.
Ben and Granny approached Mr Parker, their hands still cuffed together.
“What you heard were just stories,” said Ben. “Just my granny telling me stories. Mr Parker, I think you may have let your imagination run away with you.”
“But, but, but…!” blustered Mr Parker.
“Me? An international jewel thief?!” Granny chuckled.
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